A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been sleeping with a guy from work he is 32 years old and I am 38. and it just keeps going on and on and he says that he doesn't not want a relationship and he cannot be my boyfriend yet we spend weekends together and I go to his parents for dinner with his whole family and spend weekends there (he lives in his own wing next to his parents house.) i know everything about this guy is screaming 'loser' but i am just crazy about him and the sex is intense between us and we are very addicted to each other and we get on. I have tried staying away for 4 months once and he begged and begged to see me and I said no all this time and seeing him every day is so hard but i did it, but then he kept trying saying he misses me so i had to do it eventually. i just caved in because every other guy in my life does not work out. I have TRIED so many times but i have 3 dates with guys and then something is wrong with the sex or their personalities i cant stay with anyone, yet this guy from work I am so connected to and he says so too but yet he cant give anything to me other than sex. Any ideas what I should do? I want to get married and have kids. What if i just have his baby cuz i really want a baby and I cannot gamble more time on dating and ending up alone.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 Good luck on your date xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Just don't rush things; your age can't be helped but it doesn't mean you should append up the dating process to find a father for your child.
Being sensible will provide you more happiness than letting your emotions runaway with you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindycares thanks for your answer,i'm not going to trick him at all he knows ive never been on the pill we use condoms but lately we stopped but he pulls out, the truth is i told him and said you do realise theres a possibility i might get pregnant and he said 'ohh do we have to talk about this now?' he's an absolute idiot taking no responsibility for his actions and I do not want to have anything more to do with this. I do not have time to waste and I have a new date tomorrow night with a 37 year old who has a good job and doesnt live with his parents and wants a relationship. For one reason or another we go through shit to realise what we DONT want, but yes obvoiuslyt he sex was a huge thrill but it makes me miserable long-term and its just pointless, moving on! Thanks to others for your help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): I always feel sorry for children who never know their fathers. Stop and think about this, this isn't just about you, or this man you're sleeping with who has no idea he may be a potential sperm bank. This is much bigger than you. This is a potential new life being born, babies grow up and start asking questions, they want to know where their father is, who was he etc. etc. I think you're being very selfish on many counts.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 ..But if he does not want you to be his gf,least of all he will want to make a baby with you. Even if you promise to raise the baby all on your own - and you actually do it- he would still be saddled with objective legal responsibilities , forget about the moral ones, for years to come. Your child could grow up and decide when he/she is an adult, to sue the father for all the unpaid child support,with interests . ( That's exactly what a young relative of mine did, and she won. She got herself quite a bundle ). Do you think he'd be OK with having this hanging over his head ?
Or do you plan to trick him and just sprong the surprise on him once you are pregnant ? Wel,, yes sure, if he has unprotected sex he should know that it may result in pregnancy- it's still a sneaky trick, and I am sure it would not endear you to him- that would be the end of the passionate chemistry etc.
If you want a child , and possibly marriage too, this guy is obviously not the one and you are so wasting your time with him. You should keep searching for someone who wants th same as you, and if unluckily you should not find him within a certain time frame,- you can still adopt, or get inseminated by a sperm donor. So at least you make sure that half of your dream comes true. If you hang on to Mr. Chemistry, you are going to end up empty handed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): Do you not see the way he's using you? You said yourself that he can't give you nothing more than sex. As well as that, you're using him, because you're after a baby. What'll happen when that baby grows up in to a teen? You're not going to just say "oh yeah hunny. I'd used your dad just to have you. you wern't made of love. just sex." I don't think she'd like that. It's obvious he only wants you for sex, and judging by your writing, you only value his lookks and sex, and the thought of having a baby. No, you're not right for each other, and no you shouldn't have his baby. A healthy good baby is made by love from both of the parents.
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female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I'm sorry but i just want to scream NO! I understand your need to have a child and family, but this man can't even commit in a relationship never mind take on the massive responsibility of being a father, and ok you are saying this the now but think of how your child would feel in this, you don't expect him to be around, but the child will! I am a single mother and my daughters father is a dead beat father, yeh he pays for her but he doesn't bother coming to see her and it really is a knife to my heart when she crys for him or he let's her down time and time again, I'm sorry that is the reality of having a baby with a man like that! My biggest regret is I didn't choose a better father for my child. But I don't regret her for a second. Just be ready for a lot of tears, tantrums and emotions from your child, if you do choose to have a baby with him he ain't going to stick around them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): Op this guy is one of those 3 dates guys but he's decided he's bored so he'll stick around and fuck you.
He can't factor into your decision to have a child.
In your position I'd just adopt, if that's too difficult or you want it to be genetically your child then head on in to a sperm bank and gets an athletes sperm or something. The one good thing about a sperm bank is you can genetically pick the traits you want without having sift through a bunch idiots to find the right guy.
If you have the means to support a child then you don't need a man, just sperm.
OP your broodiness and desperation is leading you to bad choices here as regards this guy who's currently sticking it in you but has made it clear he sees you as nothing more than a warm hole.
You don't need the headache of a father to your child that wants nothing to do with you but will want to be in the child's life. Sperm donors don't care, and as a child raised by a single mother you don't need two parents, just one good one.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 March 2014):
Dear OP,
You might need to decide what you want the most: Good sex, a long-term partner or a baby.
You can keep on with the good sex right now, but then you can't have the baby (or else the guy will dump you).
You can have the baby, but then you can't have the sex (because you will be busy with birth courses, pregnancy problems and later with a little child that poops in its diapers, cries and needs your breast).
You can find a long-term partner, but that might take time and will require waiting with sex (at least I'd recommend that) and the baby (because you want to make sure first he's there to stay). And maybe it will even be too late to have a baby, or you'll find a good partner who doesn't want children.
There's no perfect solution that will guarantee to cover everything, at least I don't see one. If I was you, I'd drop the co-worker and then either become a single mum or start dating for real. Or start dating someone who has a baby already (I'm lazy, so I'd probably prefer if the child was already there) :). But that's just me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2014):
 Oh yes, I forgot to add, don't make a father out of him without his consent.
And I agree with the other aunts who suggest that you may benefit from some counseling, to find out why you are latched onto a man who won't commit and who lives with his parents, wing or no wing. You are not connected to him in a healthy way, sorry.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 You're the "in the meantime" woman, until he meets someone his age or younger to get married to and start a family. A relative of mine stayed with a guy for 11 years hoping he would commit to her some day, and it never happened. However, they did have a child together, and she confided in me that when her baby was born, her attraction / addiction to the guy disappeared. She feels that the purpose of their relationship was to have this child, and when that purpose was fulfilled, the relationship ended. It was not an easy road for her. He accused her of trying to trap him, but they worked through their issues. Eight years later, they enjoy shared custody and a great friendship raising their child together. However, be aware that being a single mom is not easy. It is much easier when you have a loving, supportive partner.
I agree with Aunty Em that there may be reasons why you can't handle a normal relationship. I think talking to a therapist will help you in figuring out what it is you want. If you really want to have a child with this man, then discuss it with him, but don't do it without his knowledge. That would be unethical.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): If/when you have a child "naturally", I think you should have it with someone who WANTS a baby, at the very least. He sounds like he isn't ready to commit to a relationship, let alone wing a father.
I understand that you want to be a biological mother, but I don't think you should go ahead with a flaky guy. Either sperm donors or find a guy who wants to be a father and is looking for someone who wants to be a mother (compatible as friends and co-parents would be necessary) and have a legal agreement written up would be the way to go, I think. Although, I think sperm donors would be more "foolproof".
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks darling you"re so right and i know it deep down that hes an absplute waste of time and hes just someone i go back to when things go wrong with other guys...but then.im sucked back into him again and thats when i cant stand it. Im not going near him again and i hope and pray that I find a good guy who can offer me the things i.need. youre right hed be a lousy father and i dont want that.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 March 2014):
You need to ask him if he wants a baby with you...I guarantee, he will drop you like a sack of dirt. Sorry but maybe its the only way to cure you of your addiction to him. If you get pregnant without his knowledge, you also will most likely not see him for dust.
Maybe you should seek help to discover why you think you cannot have a normal relationship.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2014):
If you want to get married and have children, then you need to end the relationship with this "loser" as you called him. It is blocking you from meeting other men who would be better choices.
If you want a baby as a single mom, go to a sperm bank! Giving a child a father like this "loser" is a really selfish move. If all he has to give you is his semen and some sexual thrills then he sounds like he'd be a really louse father. Why would you hand your children a father like that?
I'd say it's pretty clear what you need to do, the question is, what is determining your future? Your brain or your hormones? When you start thinking with the big head, it's very obvious that you need to lose the "loser."
P.S. Wait for at least 90 days before having sex with the next guy. Three dates is too soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): No. Why can't you adopt if you really want a child that badly? or use a sperm donor? It's unfair for the child if this man doesn't want a relationship. if he doesn't want a relationship, then he's not going to want to be a father too.
I'd say keep on looking for a man who you like and actually WANTS what you want :)
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