A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hi. Health related question.Some time ago, I used to wake up in the morning, be very tense in the chest area and feel miserable. Recently, this has returned. What is it? Could it be stress related?It seems that lately when I try to sleep, all I can think about is my ex and her new boyfriend. Then when I wake up, I have this awful pain, thoughts about them, and then worse yet; thoughts that there is something wrong with me. I've always had a concern that I have some sort of Heart related disease... For no real reason, other than those morning pains.Do I stand alone here, or do others feel this pain? Also (I know it's almost a secondary, off the topic kind of question), what can I do to stop thinking about my ex and her new boyfriend? I'm making myself feel ill thinking about them, and there's no need for it. Recently I've began telling myself that it's not a big deal, but it would be good if you could share ways to stop the thoughts of them when night comes.Any help/suggestions you can offer would be appreciated. Many thanks in advance.
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (24 January 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Birdy! Very nice to hear from you.
It's very comforting to know that all this isn't heart attack related (not that I really thought it was as bad as that!). I think if this continues much longer, I will have to talk to my doctor about everything. I'm sure I can tell my doctor about everything that's happened in the past few months, and explain where these feelings are coming from. I guess I'm holding that off because I would like to think I am not so bad that I need to seek professional help on this. All my old feelings MUST go away by my own doing... I think. It's been nearly 7 months since I got my heart broken, and about 2 months since I found out my ex was dating again. I've felt a lot better recently, but in the past few days, all these old thoughts are popping up again.
You prove a good point. I'm not really in a position to shape my own life just now. Not securely at least. I guess if I could have done that, I would have moved up to be with my girlfriend, but I couldn't and so after 2 years I was left behind. Out of my hands (in theory).
That was a very wise quote. I hope I can learn from it.
You could be right about heartache, but that makes me feel very disappointed in myself. My ex let go of me; she isn't worth crying (or in this case, feeling physical pain) over... and yet I think I do. Still, I think anxiety is a big part of it. I'd be lying if I said things were quiet at the moment: I've got a massive project to finish at college, for which I need 40 mins of material, and right now, 13 days before the deadline, I have 22. I still think I can do it, but I guess I have worry in the back of my mind. (I UNDERSTAND THIS NEXT BIT MAY BE FROWNED UPON BY SOME CONSIDERING HOW I STILL TALK ABOUT MY EX IN THE WAY I DO) I have been trying to establish a relationship with a girl I have met. She's great company and we've had a nice time together in the early stages. I think she is the reason for me feeling less stressed about the fact that my girlfriend is moving on with her life, and I guess this is me trying to do the same.
I hope you don't look too badly upon me for this.
That last paragraph was sooo good! Thank you for that. I can go to bed with those words in mind, and I will try to take them with me into the next day. Thanks very much again for your reply, and hope to hear from you again :)
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Hi Andy!
Ouch. I remember having these - it's an anxiety attack or panic attack. Don't worry, it's not a heart attack, you are much too young for that, even with family history. You can check it out with your Doctor if it makes you feel any better. Gosh, you are worrying yourself sick! You have to let some of it go! A lot of people have struggles and crisis' in their mid twenties, it's as common and normal as a mid-life crisis. Obviously, you have been through heartache, but a lot more people panic because they don't have have a handle on what the rest of their life will bring. I think that it's partially because we wait SO long to get out and get on our own to have control of our own lives, Then we DO and it hits us - we don't really ever truly have control over our lives. They just kind of evolve!
The parts that you can control, throw yourself into, and the rest will follow. That music career, for example, and your new relationship. But there aren't any finites in life, it's a journey, not a destination. My brother was never able to let the little things go and not worry about things he had no control over anyway, and he pretty much has obsessive/compulsive personality disorder. There was a time when I probably could have fallen into the whole mindset too, but I learned a lot about letting go of control and just appreciating the chaos by having KIDS! Yep, gotta give over the reins once they're in your life! Also, I had a polish housekeeper who was a hoot and a half. When I left Canada, she gave me a lovely book on European art (we were heading to Holland). She obviously recognized my control issues, so she put a little bookmark in it. When I wrote her to thank her, I told her that I was going to get the saying tattooed on my ass in case I ever needed "reminding". I think it helps me to stop and appreciate the blessings that I have in my life instead of dwelling on the rest.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things that I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
It's by Reinhold Neibuhr. There's actually a few more lines, but these are the stanzas that everyone recognizes. Well, anyways, that's my take on it. The pains are possibly still a wee bit of heartache, more likely anxiety and worry. You might be a bit nervous about letting your heart go and love again. Do you think that could be part of it?
My husband and I were just talking about someone losing their pet, and the person said - "Well, I honestly can't go through this again, this is too hard, I'll never get another dog" and we both looked at our little two year old puppy and grabbed our hearts. I asked him about what she had said, and he replied "Well, sure - that would save her from more heartache, but then your also giving up all the love and fun of another dog - I think that's the point where you have just given up on life and are sitting around, waiting for death." Now, sorry, don't get me wrong, it's not a loss like a person, but that conversation actually happened last weekend so I just wrote it verbatum. I guess the point is that you wouldn't truly appreciate the joy in life unless you had also experienced a bit of the pain; and you can't control when either one of them comes in or out of your life. Have faith, throw your hands up in the air, and enjoy the ride!
Morning Rant, fueled by two double expressos, ouch, having a few twinges myself...
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (23 January 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. The pains have returned out of the blue! In recent days I'd been feeling much better, but for whatever reason, I've woken up miserable with chest pains. I'd like to think it's becoming a little more rare, because as I say, I haven't woken up miserable for a while.
It's usually 3 thoughts I have which adds to it, and most of them are irrational: 1) Dying young. I've always have a belief that I would, some how. 2) My ex, and wondering if she is still with the guy after me. I think about how long they will be together, and if she prefers her relationship with him than she did with me (granted I wouldn't blame her if she did because there is less distance between them, but I still say he'll never love her as much as I did). And 3) My father having a heart attack. This is something I've started to worry about a lot more in the past few months. There isn't really an explanation as to why, but I don't think a day goes by where I don't picture struggling for breath, and it's becoming a little distressing.
Any further advice would be appreciated. I've felt a lot happier within myself ever since I entered a new relationship, but it's quite over shadowed whenever these pains come in the morning.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): I know exactly how you feel. I have suffered the same horrible pains, especially in the mornings when you know there is another day to face. Try taking magnesium at night and try Bach's rescue remedy if you get stressy in the day. It works as well. Good Luck. ECT
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (9 January 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to point out, Sparkly Stars, what you said wouldn't normally be patronizing, it has merely become that after so many other people telling me that in these past months. You've never told me that before, so please don't worry about it. Your comment was appreciated. It shows that you care! :) I just wanted to point it out to people. I also want to thank you again for your support!
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A
female
reader, Sparkly_Stars +, writes (9 January 2008):
 Hey Andy00.. Firstly, I really do apologise for saying 'You poor thing'! I really didn't realise how patronising it sounded! Its just cos I have kind of been in the same situation as you recently that I know how totally yucky it feels, and I really do sympathise with you. But.. as you said, you don't want people to feel sorry for you, and that is totally fine! Wake up with your head held high, and start a fresh chapter in your life, and whenever you start thinking yucky thoughts or start thinking about whats happened phone a friend, or do something to take your mind off things. I am sooo sure you will be fine! Its her loss.. xxx Sorry again xxx
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (8 January 2008):
 I think if she had actually left you for another guy, they would've been seeing each other much sooner. She probably just met him recently and things developed.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (8 January 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd just like to thank Sparkly Stars and Loops for their latest answers. Very good advice from you both. I must say, I'm starting to get sick of people feeling sorry for me, e.g. "You poor thing". Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what you're saying, because it's very nice, but I've heard people talk like that to me for the past 6 1/2 months now (granted I only just found out about my ex's new boyfriend about a month ago), so I just want to make myself better, so people don't have to feel sorry for me anymore. I suppose I just have to accept that this is normal for now.
I want you to know before I type what I am about to type that it is nothing to do with the advice any of you have given me, be it now or the past, but; sometimes I don't think this site helps me. I say this because as an agony uncle I try to help people with their problems. But tonight for example, I have seen lots of questions about "Do you think their was somebody else?" ect ect, and this has made me start to wonder if my ex was thinking about going off with this other guy before she broke it off with me. She told me when we broke up that there was nobody else, but I don't know if I completely believe that now.
Maybe I'm just easily manipulated by things I see and hear? Or am I just talking rubbish?
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (7 January 2008):
Hi yeah I agree thinking negatively about your ex probably wont help. Im going through this at the moment, though Im guessing my break up has been slightly more recent than yours, ( few days ago tops). I want to call him all the names under the sun, and as far as my friends and family are concerned I have every right to ( he wasnt very nice at all). I keep getting that awfull knot in your stomach feeling, and remember a few years ago when I split up with my first serious boyfriend feeling majorly ill( sickness and things) and my doctor told me at the time i wasnt manifesting these symptoms they were as real as they came but they were caused by stress not illness.
I have been given the suggestion recently for everytime a bad thought comes into my head, or I feel upset or funny ( which after two days is quite a lot) to write down what im thinking somewhere, make it anon even if its a blog somewhere ( theres millions out there that no one has to know its you) or a diary, anything, it doesnt have to make sense but it will help you at least get out what is on your mind if nothing else, till you feel more in control.
Hope this helps
Good luck
Loops
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A
female
reader, Sparkly_Stars +, writes (7 January 2008):
Hiya.. I am a final year medical student (doing my finals in a few weeks..!), so I really hope I can answer your question! Firstly, if the pain you were getting was related to your heart, you would also be experiencing other symptoms too.. such a breathlessness, dizziness, losing consciousness, or feeling your heart beating really scarily hard and fast called paliptations) and trust me- if it was heart related, the pain would be unbearable.. so I think from how you have described the pain in your question it is safe to say it isn't physically heart related...
So, having established that there isn't anything wrong medically with you.. I totally agree with what others have written in their posts.. This is heartache probably worse than having a physical heart-attack.. (well.. not really.. but you know what I mean!!) cos its the 'love' pains your getting! You poor thing.. I really do feel for you.. but you have to realise that it is normal to feel yucky like this (especially first thing in the morning.. I really don't know why.. but when I was going thru heartache I used to feel worse in mornings too...) But, please try and remember that time is the best healer.. and one day (even though you won't realise it now..) you will wake up without this yucky feeling.. and you will start to forget! Try talking about it to people (preferably people who hate her.. so you can have a good rant about it ;o) that always helps!!!)
But remember.. if incase we all happen to be horribly wrong (which I doubt!) then please do seek medical attention if you do experience any of the symptoms I described earlier..
I really hope you feel better x x x and do let us know how you get on! xxx
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (7 January 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for the informative answers. I am still very concerned about the pains, particularly when sweet-thing said that it would eventually "take it's toll". Quite a worry. And incidently Sweet-thing, I'm not sure thinking negatively about my ex will do me much good, because that way I'm still thinking about her, which I probably shouldn't do. Plus, I can't think of many bad things to say about my ex. I loved her very much. I guess she did have things that annoyed me about her, but I'm sure there were more annoying things about me... I guess the main bad point about her is that: She dumped me, whenever I consider myself the person who would have loved her more than anybody she could ever meet in her life... But I suppose that's doubtful? When you have as little experience as me, it is difficult to accept otherwise, especially in the knowledge that she is trying to find somebody.
In any case, I will consider seeking medical help if things don't improve, and in the mean time, just continue to try and tell myself that all this isn't that big a deal.
You all gave sound advice, so if there is any more that you would like to add, please do so. Thanks very much.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (6 January 2008):
You are not taking control over your thoughts and they are manifesting themselves in bodily symptoms. This is typical of unchecked stress and it will take its toll eventually. You are the master of your mind. If you chose to think these thoughts, they will continue to erode your health. The mind is a powerful thing. But you can control it. Try switching thought patterns. Try positive imagery. Try making a list of all the things you hated about your girlfriend. Sounds silly but it can help you see her without the love-blinders you are currently wearing. Like, when my girlfriend got dumped by the love-of-her-life (her words, not mine) she realized all the things about him that she wouldn't miss. Things like, the way he lost his temper all the time and would have a meltdown because she forgot to close the hamper. Or the way he'd order her around and become bossy. When he found someone else, instead of picturing him holding this new woman in his arms, the way he used to hold her, she pictured him yelling at her, and throwing one of his colossal fits, which he was more famous for. And slowly, it began to bring a smile to her lips. He was now someone else's nightmare and that tight feeling in her chest began to disappear. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (6 January 2008):
I am so sorry about your heartache. I'm pretty sure that at your age, it's a bunch of heartache and perhaps a little bit of depression. If you wake up and your first thought is of her and that's when it starts, well, that's your answer. It's physically very painful, that hollow feeling that you get in your chest. I lost my Dad last year, and I would wake up with a cramp right across my stomach area, not quite the same feeling, but it did lessen after a few weeks. Emotions are a strange thing, when they can do that to your body.
Time is the best healer. The best thing that you can do for yourself is what you have been trying to tell yourself, "It's no big deal". Keep telling yourself positive thoughts about all of this, use your will-power and banish thoughts of them the second they come into your head. GET BUSY. Throw yourself into whatever you like doing, join clubs, work out, take a special interest course for no reason other than you always wanted to learn it. The night is the worst time, yes. You can try the elastic band on the wrist and snap it if you start obsessing. Take a hot bath before bed. Drink a hot drink. If you can fall asleep with the TV on, it will be easier to not have thoughts creep in. Or wear your earbuds and sleep with an Ipod going. It will get better with time. Hope this helped a bit, Take care.
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female
reader, loops +, writes (6 January 2008):
Feelings of misery, unhappiness, and other such neagtive feelings can manifest themselves in physical feelings, be it because you stress yourself that much that you lowered your immunity and thus are more prone to feeling ill, or because your body manifests your mental stress into something physical. This COULD be what you are experience, but I suggest you go get checked out by a doctor just incase. It sounds like you are having a hard time over your ex, and you might find if you start being honest and talking about your feelings about her to someone the physical things may disapear, as it seems they only started when you thought about her so much, and she and her new boyfriend clearly bothers you.I know from experience as regulary when Im stressed I end up ill, be it colds or something more serious, and the only way to get out of it is to solve the underlying cause. Whether this be calling a friend and talking, or maybe even approaching your doctor regarding it.I hope you feel betterGood luckLoops
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