A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for about 11 years now and have 2 kids, a girl aged 8 and a boy aged 4. Recently I was on a night out with friends and were at this bar where we met a few girls and ended up going to their apartment which was nearby. And while we were getting it on I kinda lost my nerve and did not go further. I left the apartment and came back home and slept. The next morning my wife was looking thru the phone for a number when she saw my call to that girl at an odd hour. Getting suspicious she called the number and hung up as soon as she heard a female voice on the other line. Now she is convinced that I was having an affair or had been visiting prostitutes behind her back. I have told her the entire story word by word and now she is even more furious as to how could I even go to her apartment. I agree I was wrong and that I did give in to temptation but I have been utterly devoted and faithful to her for the entirety of our marriage and have never ever cheated on her. How do I mend this?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 January 2018):
 Your decision to move out will not help you should there be a divorce. one of the promises you can make and start keeping is regular visits with the kids. Remember that it is not her job to figure out what you have to do, or what punishment you need. She has done nothing to earn that responsibility. And one other thing you can start is individual therapy. You need to figure out why you did this so you won't do it again.
One time infidelity is possible to recover from. You do not yet have a pattern of betrayal and cheating.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2018): Give up those friends and don't drink alcohol at all unless you are with your wife.
Recognize that regaining trust is a long slow process.
What you fractured cannot be repaired overnight.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2018): Thank you all for your responses. I already realize all that has been said and I fully realize that I messed up and that I have broken her trust, made her doubt our entire relationship. I do honestly love her and am devoted to her. The thought of what I have put her through crushes me every living moment to the extent that I am truly disgusted with myself. I know all these are mere words now and that it will take A LOT for anyone to believe me let alone her. And I am willing to work for it even if it takes an entire lifetime to mend this. I just want her to somehow know that I realize all of this, that I truly feel sorry for whatever I did and that I am willing to take any punishment she has to offer, to give her some solace that all is not lost, someway to alleviate the pain that I have caused her because I cant see her like this. I just want to somehow give her comfort, some semblance of my devotion towards her. I have already moved out on my own to spare her facing me everyday, give her space to work the way forward (it has not been for my convenience. I miss her and my kids so very much I cant stop thinking about them). But I dont know what else I can do. My phone has never been locked nor it ever will be. She knows all my passwords for personal mail, work mail, everything. She has access to my bank account, knows about all my cards and also knows that I have the same password for everything. I have always been an open book and intend to stay that way. But I messed up, I made a mistake and I admit it honestly and openly. I have never told her I didn't intend to go, never made an excuse, just told her I made a mistake. But she is so angry more at herself for trusting me so much than at me that I just am not able to get through to her. I just dont know what to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017): Do you really expect me to believe that you stripped down while necking and nothing happened?
Oh yeah!
Lies, lies and more damned lies.
Oh the innocence of the nearly event that didnt happen!
Except it did!
And you are looking for an alibi watertight fast reprieve.
It happened!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 December 2017):
"I have been utterly devoted and faithful to her for the entirety of our marriage and have never ever cheated on her."
Except once.
You took something that was precious to you, and you broke it carelessly. Blame the friends, blame the drink, blame the willing accomplice. But the fact is you did it. That beautiful thing is not so beautiful any more. But that is not all this beautiful thing that you cherished, wasn't yours alone. It was joint property of you, your wife, and both of your kids.
The very first step in mending this is to realize the extent of what you have done.
I'm going to just give you one tiny taste of what your family is going through. When your wife looks at you across the table she doesn't see the great guy that you are most of the time. She sees a fool who chats up girls at the bar. She doesn't see the guy who stopped it just in time. She sees the guy who wen't to her home, undressed her, undressed himself, and was almost to go the distance. That's what she sees. When you want to kiss her and make everything ok again she can't, because all her mind can see is you kissing someone else.
She can't trust you. Oh she wishes she could. She wishes with all of her heart that there had never been a strange number on your phone.
There is more there is so much more. but the first things you can do are:
Don't try to minimize what you have done in any way.
Don't go out with friends that would let you do something like this.
Promise your wife that you will not contact those friends except to say that you will not be with them any more, Then keep that promise. Every day when you leave the home promise her you will be home at a specific time, and keep those promises. Make and keep promises every day.
Your email, and phone are unlocked to her any time she needs to check. This is the long time and hard work that you are being told about.
In the end you may save the marriage. I know people who still see their spouse cheating every time they close their eyes after 5 years. One thing you need to know is that no matter how good you are and no matter how much trust you are able to rebuild, it will never be the same. Just think you can never again say that you have been "utterly devoted and faithful"
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A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (29 December 2017):
 While you were getting it on???? Dude, thats cheating come on. You FUCKED UP BIG TIME and if it wasn't for her checking your phone, fuck up number two. How do you mend it, I guess you do whatever it is that you would expect of her if she got it on with some random's hotel room
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 December 2017):
 How do you mend this? Slowly, consistently and patiently.
Can you put yourself in your wife's shoes? Can you even begin to imagine how she feels, having found out her husband, the father of her children, has betrayed her in this way? Her whole world has come crashing down around her. As far as SHE is concerned, things are NEVER going to be the same again. Her trust in you is shattered.
Firstly, you need to take full responsibility for what you did. Nobody forced you to go to that apartment. You made the choice to go, knowing full well what would happen once you were there. Don't blame anyone else for our choice.
Secondly, don't feel that the fact that you "lost your nerve" makes this any better. It doesn't. If you had said "I suddenly realized what I stood to lose and got out of there", then that would have been a TINY bit better. Losing your nerve just means you didn't have the bottle to go through with what you WANTED to do. I bet your wife feels wonderful, knowing the only reason you didn't actually do the deed was because you weren't brave enough.
You two need to sit down and talk. Ship the kids out to someone for a few hours and talk. You need to understand why this happened and what you can do to (a) ensure you are not tempted again, (b) rebuilding your wife's trust in you (let me tell you, that is going to be a long haul) and (c) improve your relationship so that you come out of this sorry episode stronger.
In your shoes I would apologize to your wife for the pain you have caused her and ask her what she needs you to do to start rebuilding your relationship. For starters, I would stay away from the mates you were with on that night.
The atmosphere between you is bound to be strained for a while. Try not to let the kids sense there is anything wrong. Kids can be super sensitive at picking up tensions between adults. This has nothing to do with them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2017): Well, you confessed; only after she went through your phone. By some strange coincidence she was looking through your phone after a night out; and found some strange number that she just so happened to call.
She has been doing this all along. It was not by chance she went through the phone, it was her regular routine. Wives and girlfriends snoop through your personals.
She has to get over the shock before she can even think straight. Naturally she's furious! Her husband of 11 years and the father of her two children went home with some strange women. You had a woman's number, you picked-up in a bar, in your phone! Your wife called, and she answered!
Dude, you are sooooooooo busted! You get no sympathy here!
You know better! You have everything to lose!
Your wife apparently never has trusted you. So it is unlikely you will be forgiven anytime soon, if ever. She will punish you for a very long time. You broke her heart and destroyed any benefit of the doubt. She has proof-positive that you cheated!
You actually "got it on" with that woman. So you're not innocent by any means; just because you lost nerve. She has every right to give you hell.
Well, this is going to be a problem for awhile; and she is now justified to monitor your phone. As well as your comings and goings; like you were a rebellious troublesome-teenager.
Nothing upsets a wife or girlfriend more than when you confirm their suspicions of cheating.
All you can do is apologize and take your medicine. I'm afraid you'll be on a short-leash for a very long time!
If she becomes insufferable or toxic; then you should insist on marital-counseling together. She's torn-up inside.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 December 2017):
 OP, its a good sign that you told your wife the truth rather than have her find out through someone else but honestly what did you expect her reaction to be? You didn't think she was going to hug you and kiss you and thank you for being honest did you? You have hurt her, shaken her faith and trust in you! I mean, its just the thought that you went to an apartment with a woman and made out with her. How would you feel if your wife came home and told you a story like you told her? Would you be thrilled? I rather doubt it!
Again, its best to be honest but you have put yourself in a bad situation. Your wife's faith in you has been shaken and now she doesn't trust you. And why should she? Once faith and trust are gone in a relationship the whole foundation of the relationship is on shaky ground. You are going to have to work to get her to trust you again. It won't be easy but it can be done.
You need to figure out WHY you cheated. Talk to your wife, go to counselling if you want to save your marriage. Remember that she's probably going to question your every move. If the situation were reversed, I'd imagine you'd feel the same and be unable to just assume she was being faithful. Good luck..it won't be easy but you can work and regain her love/trust if you want to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2017):
 It just takes ONE "dumb" action to break faith and trust. It takes a LOT more rebuilding that trust back up.
I think you need to sit down with her (without the kids around) and have a chat. I think you need to tell her WHY you in the first place thought it was a good idea to go home with other women, I mean WTF were you thinking? And no, don't blame your wife for YOUR choice here.
Secondly, I think you need to have a conversation about trust and how YOU can rebuild it.
I can tell you that if my husband did what you did after 20 + years I'd be pissed. And I would lose respect, faith and trust in him. What you did was not some minor thing as you try and pass it off as. I mean, HOW would you feel if your wife this did to you?
And what kind of friends do you have that encouraged this and participated? I mean you aren't 20. It sounds like some dumb stunt a 20 year old would pull off.
But, I think you need to figure out WHY you did it, and how you can rebuild the trust AND respect she probably have lost for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2017): It will probably be very hard for you to convince her to believe nothing happened. It seems suspicious that you had her number and called her. Was this before or after you left her apartment?First be honest with yourself about what motivated you go to her apartment and if you kept her number because you might change your mind at some later date. Just the fact that you went there intending to cheat says you need some introspection as to the why of this situation you got yourself into. This may be helpful to you when trying to make amends to your wife.You're going to need to have an honest conversation with her. Listen to her about how this has made her feel and what she thinks you can do to work this out and regain her trust. You may need to go to couples counseling. This is not going to be easy for you and it will certainly not be easy for her to forgive and trust you again. It may take a long time and hard work, but if you sincerely love and appreciate her all your efforts will be worth it.
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