A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My now fiance had a porn addiction he was even looking at it at work. I basically told him if you do it again i'm done, this was over a year ago and i never caught him looking at it until now. I'm 37 weeks pregnant I looked at his phone history last week (he knows i do this as this was supposed to be his proof to me that he's not looking at it) There were the websites I confronted him after crying my eyes out at the betrayal I ask him if this is the first time he's looked at it since then and he says yes and i say you better not be lying he said he has no reason to lie he already got caught and it would make it worse. Well today well he was at work i was on our ps4 system and looked at messages between him and his friend he lied and told me his friend bought him something but the messages said he's just gonna tell me that and he really bought it. It makes me curios and i look at the web history on that and towards the bottom there were porn sites. So either he lied then and it wasn't his first or he lied and is continuing. Tomorrow was supposed to be a big romantic day movies and a restaurant because we wanted to go out before the baby comes. Should i just hide that im upset and try to act normal so things will be ok or do i confront him again and we both stay upset for days? I love him very much and the only problem is porn and not being truthful when he thinks he'll get in trouble. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2014): Have you ever watched the movie "Don Jon"? If not, I encourage you to, very similar situation. Quite frankly I dont see the issue with him watching porn, BUT I can see where you are coming from and since you told him you would be done I think you should go through with it. Maybe stay at a relatives place for a few days to let him think about what he has done. But honestly, maybe he has an addiction or maybe its just something he enjoys, I dont see the harm. He is not cheating and yes hes lying but because if he is sincere with you and says he wants to continue to watch it you will leave him. I am trying to see things from your point of view but I would think ending a relationship over that is really pointless, but if it makes you that uncomfortable then go through with your ultimatum.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 July 2014):
 I'm not even a scotch drinker, and now I'm curious!
Though, I've had Cristal and thought...ehh.
(Sorry, back to the subject at hand!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): Lol @llifton! I look at porn too and I am a women. It has NOTHING to do with how I feel about my partner, it's just a way for me to get some sexual diversity without cheating. In fact, I sometimes don't even remember what it was that I was looking at because it is so not relevant to my real life affairs. I am definitely not trying to make light of how you feel. I understand that you feel hurt and betrayed. I know I would be upset if I found my boyfriend look at porn sites, if I myself didn't look at porn and understand. Maybe you need to figure out WHY it bothers you so much. Is it because you compare yourself with the women in the porn? Do you feel that the porn could lead to outside temptations? People watch porn because we are sexual creatures and watching others making love (depending on the porn you watch..lol) is an extreme turn on. It's one of the great joys of life. These are not people, in any way at all, that you have a connection to on any real level. Sex can be sex, remember. It's just in the moment. It can also provide an outlet.I think you need to come to a compromise about all of this, like one uncle here suggested. While I understand your hurt, I really do, I don't think your actions are really reasonable. He is not talking to other women, that would be completely another story. Maybe open up and watch some porn with him! I hate to break it to you, but he is probably not going to stop looking at porn because the temptation is WAY too great. Do some soul searching, really think about this and again, ask yourself why you really feel the way you do. You describe him looking at porn almost as though he is having an affair, and to me that is just plain non-sensical. These are just images on the screen, in a moment, that are forgotten. Unlike an affair there are no emotional attachment, or any possibility of a real emotional attachment. However, this is just how I feel (I do know many women feel differently) and if you cannot find it in yourself to open up to his perspective, that is okay too. Just realistically speaking, you being upset about it is not going to make him stop...sorry, this is just a fact. So you either accept his occasional indulgence, or move on to another relationship where the man is much better at covering his tracks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2014): Porn usage is like people's sexual history. It's bad when its a conflict. But its orders of magnitude worse when people lie about it to avoid dealing with the truth.
The best thing you could do to make progress is to find a compromise with him that you both can live with. Compromise does not mean that he does everything you want. It does not mean that he does whatever he wants and lies to you about it either. Meet in the middle and both keep up your ends of it.
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reader, llifton +, writes (18 July 2014):
 At svc, what Scotch is he drinking for $60 a glass?? Holy cow.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 July 2014):
 I can't improve on what CindyCares has said.
But my take is the same.. never issue an ultimatum you are not ready to back up. AND make sure the consequences are clear.
Let me give you an example from my life since it's current.
BACKGROUND: (can be skipped by those that know my story)
I am married to an active alcoholic. I love this man (I so wish I did not it would be so much easier to leave) and I knew he had this problem when we married. Unfortunately in the last year or so it has gotten worse. The last time he drank scotch it got out of hand and I had a huge choice to make.
THE ULTIMATUM:
"IF YOU BRING SCOTCH INTO THIS HOUSE AGAIN OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER and you will leave" Pick one... me or scotch.
it's clear.
it's concise
your behavior will net this result.
(drink scotch and lose your wife)
well he made a choice. He misses his scotch. But so far so good. He knows i mean it.
I have told him he can drink scotch when out. (at 60 dollars a glass for his poison of choice it's not happening often) and he can still have beer or wine but NO SCOTCH.
he's not happy but he is complying.
YOu said "if you do it again I"m done"
that could mean: i'm done with you and leaving (my take)
it could mean "if you do it again i realize i have no control and i'm done complaining about it"
when you first said it you felt the first one...
now that push has come to shove you have to back peddle and come up with what you want it to mean so that you don't lose this guy. which to me seems reasonable.
Men (and women) look at porn. If it's not interfering with your home life, sex life, work etc... then I see no problem with it.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 July 2014):
 Yeah, I am curious too to know HOW you will show him that you are not putting up with this.
What does it mean exactly , what will you do ?
Cry ?, sulk ? slam doors ? Go on a sex strike ?... Empty his bank account ?...
Whatever it is, it is clearly some kind of punishment which he does not fear. As SVC says, you have painted yourself in a corner. Never issue untimatums that you are not willing to enforce, and always be clear and precise about the consequences.
" Don't do it anymore or else " is an ultimatum that everybody would shrug off just as your guy is doing.Hhe knowIs that he just needs to be more careful in order to not get caught, that if he gets caught he'll just have to tell you some fibs,... and that if you don't believe the fibs you'll thunder for a while and then you'll get over it.
The only way to solve a problem is to make sure that the other person too thinks or realizes it is a problem. So if he has a porn ADDICTION ( i.e. this ruins your sex life, social life, quality time together, he shirks responsibilities to watch porn etc. ) then it is a big problem, lke every addiction, and he needs professional help. Therapy. Counseling. Rehab. The whole 9 yards.
If it is not an addiction, just a personal choice of his, and you can't convince him to change his choice just by explaoning, reasoning, pleading your case... I guess you have to decide how much of a deal breaker this is. You just said you'd never LEAVE him over that, so at the end of the day, it is not such a global dealbreaker. It means you don't like it but you can live with that. Which, I suppose, it is exactly what you will do, since you can't MAKE people see things your way, you can't MAKE them do what you want- if they do not agree. Apparently, your husband does not agree that he is doing anything wrong, or at least it's no t so TERRIBLY wrong- so, I suppose that, since you are not going anywhere, might as well getting used to the iidea, stop policing his porn watching, stop tryng to catch him, stop monitoring what he does in his private time.... and just beg him to be discrete so that you can comfortably keep his " flaw " in the very back of your mind.
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reader, llifton +, writes (18 July 2014):
@finalmailings - speaking for all the lesbians in the room, even we look at porn. Lol. Both my gf and I do. :)
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reader, llifton +, writes (18 July 2014):
You say "I basically told him if you do it again i'm done' I din't mean the relationship i meant done putting up with it as in he'll have to make it up to me."
What exactly does that even mean? It sounds like you're giving him absolutely no consequences for his 'bad behavior.' You're about to be a mother. What do you think is the best way to discipline a child? To give them threats that you never intend to uphold? Or to actually lay realistic ground rules and boundaries and stick by them?
I once had an ex who used to threaten her child with the worst possible punishments. Example: "if you don't stop doing that, you're not going trick or treating." And when he inevitably did it again, guess what? He still went trick or treating. She threatened him with the worst possible scenarios, hoping it would scare him enough to not do it. But he never took her seriously and always did it anyway. He learned very quickly that mom doesn't mean what she says and that there really weren't any real consequences to his actions. Me, on the other hand, if I told him he would be rewarded or punished for certain actions, I always stuck to my guns. He never second-guessed me or disobeyed me because he knew I didn't play around. I was consistent. The boundaries I set, I enforced.
This is what I am referring to in your relationship, as well. It applies here, too. So when you say you're done, you don't REALLY mean you're done? I don't understand. To me, in a relationship, being done means breaking up. Saying you don't tolerate something means that when it happens, you remove yourself from that situation and end it. It's setting healthy boundaries for yourself and knowing what you will and won't tolerate. Saying "I don't tolerate this behavior" doesn't mean 'well, you can make it up to me even if you keep doing it.' It means putting your foot down and not tolerating it! He already knows you don't like porn. So his punishment is what? That you remind him that you don't like it? That's what being 'done' means? I don't believe that's what you meant, originally. I think you originally meant 'done' as a threat of ending the relationship used to scare him into quitting, like my ex used to say to her son. It was meant to scare him into stopping the porn. That if he didn't, you would leave him. You thought that threat would be enough to make him quit for good. He called your bluff. And when he did, he was right, and you were too scared to uphold your threat. You backed down. Now, you're conditioning him to realize that his gf doesn't really ever mean what she says.
You say we didn't answer your question. Apparently your question is should you just pretend like everything is fine? Well, that's your decision. My stance is that since you told him you'd be done, you should be done. There really is no other interpretation of 'done.' But if you're not willing to stand by the things you say, then sure, I suppose you should just pretend like everything is fine and dandy.
Additionally, I agree with youwish. Going through each others personal belongings (even if you both do it) is a violation of trust. I would never, for one second, be okay with my partner looking through my email, texts, etc. I wouldn't care if we jointly used them. My space is my space.
Anyway, good luck with whatever you choose to do. I'm not intending to sound hard on you. I just don't want you to allow yourself to get walked all over. If you don't like something, stand up for yourself.
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reader, finalmailings +, writes (18 July 2014):
 I understand how you feel, but I think you need get over it. 99.99999999999 percent of men look at porn. Really. If you want a partner who doesn't look at porn, I suggest you become a lesbian.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): Honey as a mum of four I understand your feeling emotional and excited at the moment but what I don't really understand is what is the point of simply saying if you do that again I won't out up with it ? What exactly does I'm done mean ... You say you won't put up with it but you havnt mentioned any explicit it clear consequences for him doing it again therefore he really has no reason to stop. Saying I'm done, I won't put up with it is way too vague and means nothing. I suggest that you need to work out whether pint is a deal breaker for you ie are you absolutely not prepared to be in a relationship with it or is it something you are prepared to threaten over and say you won't put up with and drive him to hide? Then be very clear in what you will do about it . Believe me if you think it's hard feeling good about your body when your other half uses porn when your pregnant it's ten times harder after a baby it three or four ... When is the last time you saw paid porn with mummy bodies ... Men who watch porn idolise pre pregnancy bodies and for women who don't like porn that can be even tougher Good luck girl
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): Lying about watching porn is not the same as cheating on you with another person, and denying it.
Betrayal??? Seriously?!!
Your fluctuating hormones have you all emotional, and in an uproar.
You're just over six months pregnant, and probably worried that you're not appealing with a baby-bump. So now you snoop around to see what he's up to; so you can take-out all your frustrations on him. You need a reason to make him feel ashamed and guilty. If that's the best way you know to get attention; I might say you're more likely to give him a excuse to hangout with his friends, just to get away from you! Let alone turn to porn for quickies, when he's getting very little sex; when he can hardly deal with your pouting and crying. Not making excuses for him, just laying it out for you.
You feel mean, and you need someone to beat-up on. All because nobody knows how you feel when you're sick mornings, things smell funny and make you nauseous, and he's busy playing with himself like you don't exist anymore. If you're catty and bitchy all the time, that's the part that's not attractive. Not your extra pounds and a baby-bump. You need to get a grip girlfriend.
Your waves of hormones are going to pass just like thunderstorms. The tension builds before the storm, there's thunder and lightning, a downpour of tears, a few rumbles; then the sun comes out.
Don't mother your boyfriend. He got enough threats and warnings from his mother about touching himself or girly-magazines when he was going through puberty. Now you're giving ultimatums, when the last thing you need to do is alienate the father of your unborn child over something
the majority of guys his age happen to like. Whether they have girlfriends and wives, or not.
Calm down, my dear. Your chance to be someone's mom will come soon enough. In the meantime, he already knows how you feel about his porn; so he keeps it out of sight. If you go on a scavenger-hunt for it, you deserve your reward. If you dig for worms, you're likely to find them.
If he's in your age-group, he's still going to do a few adolescent and annoying things. You got pregnant pretty early in both your lives; so you'll have to deal with some immature behavior, that just might last well past his 30's.
It's a guy thing.
I respond to porn-envy posts like yours as often as necessary. I'm no advocate for the nasty stuff; but it's a reality, and you'll have to come to terms with it. The majority of posts we receive are about supposedly "porn-addicted" boyfriends. If they were able to tell their side, it would just balance things out to know that it's possibly a girlfriend with an insecurity-complex; and/or women who aren't very proud of who they are and don't like their bodies. Porn just pushes them over the edge.
Really?!!
Of course, it's the guy's fault. He's a disgusting slimy perv who's always drooling over nasty videos of girls who make ordinary women feel ugly and unattractive. Give yourself a break. What kind of boyfriends do you think those porn-actresses have? How do you introduce her to your mother? How do you tell your dad, this is my boyfriend, he's a porn-star dad? Maybe dad recognized him the minute he saw him!!!!!! Can you take her to church outings, or your little brother's bar mitzvah? Half the guys in the place will recognize her, and know her by her stage-name.
How do you put that on a resume?
Chill. It's a cheap thrill guys entertain ourselves with from time to time, and you won't be replaced with a virtual image of a big-boobed girly in a skin-flick. You're safe.
Demand that he massage your feet, and rub lotion on your belly. You also deserve back-rubs before bed, and dinner out at least every-other weekend. That's a good compromise.
Don't you think? He can also polish your toenails. It's getting harder to reach them these days, right? How about a having him give you a shampoo and scalp massage? You'll purr like a kitten. Then can he stop lying about the porn?
He's holding up under your mood-swings apparently. He hasn't left on his own; so don't suggest "you're done;" because he just might take you literally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): OP here, thanks for the replys but my question was misunderstood i wasn't asking if i should leave him or not i would never do that. I just wanted to know if i should pretend not to be upset so i don't ruin our day tomorrow. I told him next time just to come clean instead of lie and then i wont get hurt and things are fine now. And when i said "I basically told him if you do it again i'm done' I din't mean the relationship i meant done putting up with it as in he'll have to make it up to me. To YouWish it's not his ps4 but Ours and he has as much access to my accounts he knows all the passwords and emails like i know all of his we don't generally keep things from each other what ever i do he can look at and what ever he does i can look at. sometimes he does things that upset me and we talk about it and work things out. we BOTH freely look at each other things we both gave each other passwords willingly because for the most part there's nothing to hide. Everyone makes mistakes and we work through them. I think you completely misunderstood what i meant here.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (17 July 2014):
If ultimatums were all it took to stop addictions, then the world would be free from alcoholics, meth addicts, overeaters (put that cake down or we're through!) opiate addicts, smokers, and coffee drinkers. But you were reacting as if porn was a personal thing to you, so the ultimatum wasn't well thought out on your part, and now you've set yourself up.
Porn addiction doesn't simply mean the use of porn. It means that the use of porn has disrupted life, sex life, work life, family life, everything is out of balance.
I'm more concerned about you, to be honest. You confronted him about porn addiction a year ago, yet the whole time, you've been looking through his phone and computer records like a sentry, snooped at his PS4 and read messages between him and his friends, which have nothing to do with porn usage. I think you are controlling, to be honest. You have no right to be surveiling him like that, and it's wrong.
You have an addiction to obsession. You're 37 weeks pregnant and you are invading your fiance's privacy. PS4 messages between him and his friend?? What's next, his emails and Facebook messages and all texts, which also have nothing whatsoever to do with porn addiction? Sorry, but you are betraying his trust in a far worse way than him using porn. He did NOT cheat on you, yet you're treating him as if he did.
You're going to destroy the relationship because you have some serious trust issues. Your view on porn as a "betrayal" instead of an addiction to help him be treated for shows me that you have a much worse addiction than he ever will, and that makes me question whether his porn use is an addiction, or you're simply viewing it as a threat to you. You're 37 weeks pregnant, but you are still responsible for your actions.
Sorry, but if you don't change yourself, you're going to lose him. You've painted yourself into a corner, made ultimatums you now have to follow through on, and you're controlling and oversmothering him to the point of cracking. You shouldn't be reading his messages. You need to stay out of his private life. A year later and you can't help constant obsessive snooping into every area of his life. That is not healthy at all.
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reader, ImissFuturama +, writes (17 July 2014):
 I would advise you to look at this from his point of view. It's likely he doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong by looking at porn. Maybe he just uses it as a way to make masturbation go faster, or he feels fantasizing about women in porn is better than doing it over someone he knows. All he knows is it's something he enjoys doing, and he doesn't think he should have to give it because you don't approve. What he SHOULDN'T do is make promises he can't keep. He shouldn't agree to give it up when he knows he'll just continue behind your back. This is a good way to break trust. After thinking about this, THEN try having a discussion with him. It's best not to get too emotional, because then he'll feel trapped into saying what he thinks he has to say to make you feel better. This is what happened before. He's more likely to open up if you're not crying, and/or trying to make him feel bad. State your reasons you don't like him looking at porn, and then ask him for his reasons for looking at it. While he tells you, think about something YOU enjoy doing, and imagine how you'd feel if he told you you could no longer do it. Imagine he cried and threatened to leave you if you didn't stop. Would you stop doing it? If you saw nothing wrong with it, and you'd been doing it for a long time, and suddenly now you're being told you can't do it anymore because HE doesn't like it? You didn't say whether or not his porn use has affected your sex life, but if it is then you need to have this discussion with him. If you truly hate porn SO much you can't tolerate it in your relationship, then you need to tell him this too, but then HE needs to be upfront and honest if he doesn't want to quit.
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reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 July 2014):
Dear OP,
An addiction is very hard to fight, and relapses are part of the healing process. If you expect your fiance to quit porn completely, from one day to the other, without ever falling back into an old pattern, you might have set the bar too high for him. No, really, it's unrealistic to expect so much immediate behavior change and complete remedy from an addict. Especially, since he is not in therapy, is expecting a baby (stress) and is probably quite young (lack of maturity).
Also, maybe he is just a healthy man occasionally watching porn? There is some grey area between what is just a bad habit and what should really be called an addiction. Especially with legal things like porn, where you don't see someone spending all his money, getting in trouble with the law and losing everything over his drugs.
What I would advise is to stay calm. Whether or not he has an actual addiction, I think it's not a good idea to break up over something like this, if everything else is okay. If he's addicted, he might need more help to stay away from porn, if he just likes to watch it and doesn't want you to take this away from him, you need to have a new discussion about the topic. I would confront him, but not in an overly emotional way. Don't think too much about who is right and wrong, and who should do what. Don't make it a power fight. Try to express your feelings, but most of all, try to find a good solution with him.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2014):
If you told him if he looked at porn again you were done (meaning you were leaving) then you have no choice but to leave.
the problem is you made a condition (a threat) and now you are not willing to carry it out (look at porn lose me)
so what you teach him is "I'm full of hot air and will bluster and blunder and say things but never follow through"
if you stay you now are powerless with him since you threaten but don't mean it.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 July 2014):
 You presented an ultimatum and you should follow through with it.
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