A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a man and everything fell together so seamlessly. We were both crazy about each other and he told me he saw a future with me, and very quickly was telling me he was in love with me (within a month). I am weary of people falling too quickly and tried to pace myself but he seemed so sincere and was everything I was looking for.He recently started his business and could not give me a lot of his time. I had thought to myself before that this man has no business dating anyone. I do not want a relationship where he shows up late at night, and leaves the next morning before 8AM to head back to the office. I understand people make what they want their priority. He broke up with me shortly after I told him what I really needed was quality time, he believed we already a good amount of time together, where as I disagreed because in the beginning of a relationship, I expected more effort than just showing up for a few hours, falling asleep to the tv, and leaving. I had not built up a lot of expectations, except he kept making suggestions of things we could do together, and told me how in love with me but to me, did not act aligned with his words. I did, however feel his affection.He said he could not give me time, and the timing did not work. That he really cares for me and likes me a lot, but he can not give me what I need. I care a lot for him, and he is one of the most genuine men I have met. I have sent him some emails since, and he still responds that he was honest through out about his feelings and he is certain I will find someone who will suit my needs. To me, I think a man who wants woman will not let her go. I said this to him, and he said it's not that simple. He said he doesn't have time to build a relationship, and it's better we break up now than in 6 months and kept saying he needed space. He suffers from anxiety and has a very stressful job. I had been frustrated and wouldn't have ended things with him, but this is what he feels. I really like him. Is there anywhere I can go with this. I want to respect his decision, but it doesn't make sense to me.
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 July 2014):
 OK, it doesn't make sense to you then you should do what does make sense to you. If you think the world revolves around you and your man is supposed to feel the same way, that's fine. You should make that known going into any relationship first though. You can't expect the guy to be a mind reader and bow to your every whim.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 July 2014):
 I believe he is letting you go because that hurts less than you breaking up with him 6 years later. He loves you at the same time it's take it or leave it with him. What a man like this can teach you is unconditional love. You love and accept how he is without wanting to change him, just like how he is accepting you. You may resent that he never chased you as culture tells you what every man should be doing. He skipped the courting stage and went straight to how a typical husband acts like, believe it or not. If this guy has a girlfriend for 6 years, that might be because that girl is also on the autism spectrum or ADD, or whatever diagnosis in the "fruit salad," which is another name for wrong planet syndrome. If you think more like a neurotypical person then continuing with him will be hard. In general though, men will always be more selfish than women and women often find themselves working hard for love.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha CindyCares, I love your pop cultural references. And also inanimate object references.
My friend thinks he has some sort of Aspergers, in the way that he is so socially unaware of social norms, and social cues but so smart. When he is late, which is is often, he does not acknowledge it, he seems oblivious to my emotions. He is extremely polite, and genuine, and when I met him, I knew he was like no other man I had ever met. Yeah, I am totally romanticizing at this point - he had so many characteristics that I want in a person. That very genuineness. But omg so selfish? So unwavering. He speaks of compromise and negotiation, and that is when we broke up.
I never found him to have a big ego, he was always very emotional, and tender, and sensitive. Perhaps it was a play, lawyering manipulation, but he always presented himself as very vulnerable, as someone who is lonely, nerdy, sometimes with slight self image issues. He tells me how beautiful I am all the time, he was very attentive that way, saying sweet nothings to me, whenever I compliment him, he lights up.
He repeats himself often. He forgets things often. He dreams aloud. He reveals personal information randomly. He moves too fast. He makes plans he doesn't follow through on.
I can't believe this guy had a gf for SIX YEARS.
I know i am just postulating at this point.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 July 2014):
 Then tell him to go be an extra on a Woody Allen's movie set, it was Woody Allen who said " 80 % of success is showing up ". Case in pont, Woody Allen was not that great of a husband , at least for his first 2 wives.
I think you are idealizing and romanticizing this guy. Basically, it sounds to me he's just a selfish guy with a big ego.
" I am sorry IF YOU FELT I let you down ", is this an apology in your book ?.
I hate this kind of " apology " :). It does not mean " I am sorry that I hurt you " or at least, " I am sorry that, the way I am, it was inevitable for me to hurt you ". It means " I am sorry that YOU have to be such a needy, overemotional drama queen that you had to find faults with my legit, correct, irreproachable behaviour ".
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's really confusing.He is on the board of directors of some cultural society, and some other business professional association, he has time for THAT, for his career, and he tells me he is in love with me, but, all he will give me is, what he will give me. It's so strange, I am doing this post break up stalking lol. I know it isn't healthy, but he is so brilliant professionally, and ambitious, yet he can not apply the same thing to relationships. You're right! He is genuine. There was no facade. That was one of the things I loved about dating him, that he was real, but then one of the things I resented, because I thought, okay if he doesn't even try now, when he says he is so crazy in love with me, will this just get worse, will he ever try, or is this all there is. I think part of me feels, maybe he's the kind that grows his love, maybe he would treat me better the longer we were together. I love his character, I love his heart, but I have never been so confused with a man who voices his love, but shows me such little action, and think that is OKAY. Sometimes I think, am I too demanding? I have been treated really well by people. By men I have dated, men who try to court me, friends and family and coworkers, I am terribly spoiled by everyone in my life. Is that my downfall? Do I expect too much? Do I need too much?The weird part is that together, he was very child like often, (men are babies in general?) I did expect more from him. I expected him to try and make an effort. We had that conversation, and he said the most important part, is showing up.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 July 2014):
Sadly a lot of men are like that. A man who has lots of free time you would complain that he has no ambition. Relationships are not a man's strongest area. Women are raised to bond and relate to others. He would think for a sense of connection you have your girlfriends or children. At least he is being honest. He will let you go. A lot of men out there would put on a facade in the dating stage to impress and then turn into one of him, leaving wives and children to fend for themselves. He is genuine in the sense that his dating self and normal self is the same. In developping countries maybe women would tolerate this but in Canada I think we are conditioned to expect more from a man.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 July 2014):
 OH OP your last update says SO MUCH.
"womb for rent is right!" he is not capable of a full mature relationship and thinks money will fix it
"hire a nanny"
HUGE red flags....
let him be sorry all he wants and don't fret about escaping a life with him... it would have been no life for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe wants to get married. All his friends are married, and starting a family. He was in a 6 year relationship prior, and they ended the relationship because she stated she did not want to have kids because he would not be there to raise them with her. He told me that they could hire a nanny, and she said no, she would want him to be there. And that was that. I can see why she left.He kept telling me he wanted kids, it was really annoying, and I told him, I am not a womb to rent space in, please get to know me first, I don't even know if you are the right man for me and he said he will prove that he is. He says a lot of things, that he just forgets. Oh CindyCares. LOL.Yes. Your post made me laugh!!!! Because I did feel that way! I felt it was all about him! How I made him feel! I know a man falls in love with a woman based on how she makes him feel, but I was starting to feel my feelings did not matter, and I said that to him, and he would respond, of course they matter!!!! - sheepishly, of course. He is a lawyer, who started his own firm with his partner. LOL I am a pinching massage chair! LOL!!!!Love is a give and take. He did make some effort when I told him what I wanted. But he is terribly oblivious to social cues and norms. "HIS CONCEPT OF LOVE" I was very concerned because he tells me he loves his dog so much, but I can bet he does not take care of it, his family dog, when would he walk it, feed it, take care of it, all he does is see it, play with it here and there, and love. That is love. I kept thinking, oh god, I am the dog. He is a sweet person, so genuine, and so pure hearted, I loved that about him. haha massage chair. Got to find someone who likes the pinching.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 July 2014):
It makes lots of sense. At least from his point of view.
"Peace and relaxation " "Peace and quiet ". Anxiety and stressful job.
Haven't you noticed how the accent was heavily on these things ?... He comes to you for peace and relaxation, rest and recuperation... and you meet him with needs and demands and the necessity to come up with plans and schemes to make time. He bolts . He wanted you to make his anxiety better, not worse.
Not that I am blaming you at all. It's just that , regardless of how loving and lovely he was, basically it was all about him, his stress, his wants and needs.
" Peace and relaxation " ? Showing up late , snuggling at home , and falling asleep on front of the Tv ALL the time ?.... It sounds like he saw you like one of those massaging chairs at beauty salons ! Ah... sigh.... so relaxing ...so great to relieve tensions from stiff muscles... a couple of times I actually fell asleep while I was having my hair shampooed...
Now, suppose the chair, instead than soothing and massaging and lulling you to sleep, would start to pinch you and shake you up and give you little sharp energizing kicks : hey I am out of here , that's not what I was coming here for !
I think, sadly, you have sort of answered your question yourself when you said that he was in love after one month and generally you are wary of that kind of love.
Love is supposed to be a give and take, isn't it ? The search for a balance, a common ground...
He was keen on taking his R&R, - but he would not give an inch. I think this says quite something about HIS concept of love....
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 July 2014):
You think most married couples have a lot of time with each other? You are more bothered by the fact that he is letting you go, after just a simple complaint of wanting more quality time. It seems he does not see himself changing his lifestyle to a more balanced one, or getting married in the future. I have seen people who have little money or time, but stuck it out, because they both want long term and have faith that things will improve in the future. So a person's potential has to match his beliefs and goals as well.
He could be a workaholic in order not to feel emotional pain, and become more intimate. You mentioned his anxiety and work and a love affair may be one way to escape from it. Anyway before you get with any man it is important to know his true intent and his time schedule. You knew he had no business dating anyone so hopefully your heart is naturally shielded from investing more. Thank him for his time because even if it's a short time it was still beautiful.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe ended his email with "i apologize if you feel i have let you down"
it's so painful.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much for your feedback and insight. This is helping me greatly in my time of emotional distress.He was happy.He kept maintaining how happy he was with me, how he could be doing anything with me and he would be happy. How i brought him peace and relaxation, and loved being with me. And loved the most of just being alone and snuggling, as his job is stressful, and just likes peace and quiet.I also love that. But in the early stages, I really want to do things! To do things together and spend time dating. I felt so lonely... I wanted him to wake up with me and I could keep him for the day, for the weekend, except he had to go back to work, and I would be left wandering around parks, looking at happy couples together. He was extremely attentive via texting. And I think the only time I would get time together is for a vacation. He kept wanting to plan a vacation, but we never got there. I wish we had that at least, to see how compatible we would be.He always gets very upset when he sees me upset, and he gets really stressed out at my unhappiness... sometimes I think if my unhappiness was also stressing him out, and he couldn't fix it. "NEVER love a person's potential." I love this.But i love his heart. I had been searching for someone like him for so long, so for him to tell me there is someone else to suit my needs, breaks my heart.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 July 2014):
 I see where he is coming from. He wants you to be happy and believes that he doesn't have enough free time to offer you what you need. He can't change his working hours, and he is right - you eventually will tire with this and become resentful. You may believe otherwise, but you will, as your needs won't be getting met and you'll eventually see other couples doing the things together that you wish you could be doing with him and it will spiral.
This probably isn't the first time this has happened with him, and he has probably learned the hard way through experience that if someone begins to feel the way you did, it's best to cut ties before you both get even more emotionally invested. What else can he do? He can't create more time out of thin air.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2014):
IT makes sense to me.
You said "I NEED and WANT MORE than you can give"
he said "I am who I am and this all all I can give now therefore I can't be what you want or need so it's best that I let you go to find someone who can"
"when you love something set it free"
YOU said "i want/need this" hoping he would give it to you and he said I can't.
if you didn't leave him, then you would have continued to remain unhappy and unsatisfied while he was fine with how things were.
this way you two parted on good terms and maybe later after he has more time to devote to you if you have not met another man he can be back and you guys can try again.
for right now it's best to let him go as you love what YOU WANT him to be but not who he actually currently is.
NEVER love a person's potential.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2014):
 He let you go because you didn't want to play by his rules. It's NOT just about how much a person love you, but how well the two of them can communicate and compromise that makes for a successful relationship.
You two (if I read your post right) only dated for a short time. So how DEEP can those feelings have been? It's EASY (for some) to claim they LOVE someone but if they can't BACK it up by SHOWING IT, as in spending time together... what's the point?
If he felt he couldn't make you happy with what he was willing to offer, then ending it is the right thing to do.
...............................
|
