A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I first met this guy, I knew he did hardcore drugs, but he just up and gave it up for me. We've been together almost 7 years now, and yesterday was the 3rd time he accidentally left a syringe laying around in his stuff, I was not going through his things, it was just laying out in plain view but tied up in a rubber glove. This time around I decided not to say anything to him about me seeing it, unlike the other 2 times I approached him right away. This time I am hesitant because the last 2 times I told him if he continues to shoot up dope and I find out again, we were going to be done with being together becos I will leave, so that being said that's why I decided not to say anything about it (at least not yet) becos I am not sure if even tho I already know he is shooting up that I could leave him and really walk away, because I sadly love him. My question is what should I do, how should I approach this situation?
View related questions:
drugs Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2020): You should have been suspicious when he just upped and gave up the drugs for you - supposedly. Giving up something you are seriously addicted to is a very difficult thing to do, a huge decision. It is something someone would think very seriously about because even if they very much want to give them up it is very hard to keep that promise and actually do it. Anyone who says ok I will give up is just saying what you want to hear.
What efforts did he make to give up other than telling you those words? Did he go to counselling or a support group? Without any of those things it would be impossible, even with them it is very difficult and many fail.
You wanted to believe him so you took him at his word because it suited you. Then when you find out he was not being truthful you think you can force him to do it by threatening to end it. He knew you were hooked so he just carried on regardless.
Surely you realise that he will continue to damage himself - financially, physically and emotionally, and anyone who is part of his life? He may apologise over and over again, he may make more promises, but he will continue until it kills him or ruins him and all that are part of his life.
How can he hold down a job or pay the bills? How can he function? When a drug addict needs a fix it is urgent and the only thing that matters to them, they would do anything to get that fix, if they have no money they lie or steal it. Drugs eventually take over the person totally. Where does this leave you?
He may say he loves you and maybe in his way he does but it is more likely he loves the benefits he gets by being with you and that he is scared to lose if you end it. Does he love you or the comforts and practical things you provide? Drug addicts become very selfish, self serving and dishonest.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2020): A person who is a slave to their addictions will test the limits of your love. He may have gotten sloppy, or just comfortable about using; so he leaves his paraphernalia where you'd find it. Only because he knows your love for him will not let you leave easily. He knows whether you really mean it or not; because you've made idle-threats too many times. There is something he loves and needs more than you; so he will continue to test you.
I'm not telling you not to love him, or not to feel compassionate for someone who is obviously in a bad state of being; but I am telling you to save yourself.
There is a reason you've made such a serious threat; it is because of what you've endured in the past when he was using. You've probably bailed him out of jail. He goes missing for days. He's a pitiful mess when he's high; but now he hides it by taking just enough to subdue the withdrawal symptoms. He hangs around the most vile kinds of people, and brings other users to your house. He steals from you, and he can't hold down a job. His own family has probably turned their backs on him; because he has hurt them so badly. He's pitiful, but he has no pity for what he puts you through. He relies on your love. He takes advantage of it. That's what addicts do.
I know how difficult it is to advise women in-love. I disagree it takes another woman to understand. It takes men to know what a man can do, and how we think! The older they are, the harder it gets to convince women to let-go of relationships with people; those they love who are hurting and damaging them, more than loving them. One-sided-love is not true-love. You can't hold-up a relationship all by yourself. You deserve as much back as you give! It should not be overshadowed by all the things he does that makes your love look foolish!
You can't compete with an addictive narcotic like heroin; as it has proven to you over, and over, and over! Threats don't rehabilitate people, it takes prayers, the grace of God; and a serious rehabilitation program. Most of all, it requires the determination, dedication; and a stronger love for you than his drugs, for an addict to quit.
...............................
A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp  +, writes (12 July 2020):
Get out and save yourself. You cannot save him but you are free to live life according to your values.
If he showed by his actions he loved another woman over you, you would walk away. Am I right? He has shown you he loves drugs over you. Why are you still with him? If he loved you as you love him, he would not risk losing you or hurting you.
Run and don't look back.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2020): You told him that if he started shooting-up again, that you would leave. There is no need for confrontation or drama. You don't have to tell him what you've found; once you're gone, he'll know why.
Please do not use love as an excuse. He loves drugs, and he has clearly made his choice. Addiction comes from a demon that makes people a slave to what hurts them. Addicts don't stop until it either kills them; or they lose everything they love. They destroy the lives of everyone around them.
You must leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 July 2020):
 How should you approach this situation ? IMO, you should not approach it at all , if you just had some common sense. You'd just pack up your stuff ( or send him packing if the house is yours ) and be rid of him. " But I love him ! " is never, ever a good excuse for self harm and self damage, and if you think that no harm and no damage can possibly come to you from dating a hard drugs user... because even if he's a drug addict, all in all he is a good guy, right ?....then you are delusional - Just wait and see- or, actually, please show some self- respect, DO NOT wait and see, just leave him.
Alas I am pretty sure you are not even considering that,
" because you love him "- and in this case, as counterintuitive as it sounds, I would stay mum, I would not say anything. Because if ,after you giving him 2 ultimatums, and not following through even the 3rd time, - he will know for a fact that he can openly and smoothly just thumb his nose at you and laugh in your face , whenever you
" catch " him. Well, personally I think that he is ALREADY thumbing his nose at you, and leaving his syringe around does not come from his being sloppy, but from his knowing that you are all talk and no action, so he will do whatever he likes. Still, if this is not being officially said and stated, he may at least want to be discreet, to keep his habit under wraps, which might bring at least to a lesser intake of drugs and a better control of his habit.
...............................
A
male
reader, stanliwise  +, writes (11 July 2020):
 To be candid you are better of not confronting him, now you have seen the drugs and I can bet you know he hasn’t left the drug because of you, like you claimed, instead you choose to believe and wish the dream would last for a life time but sadly here you are in the reality.
Since your partner do hardcore drug I will like to think he would choose the drug over you any day anytime. So I don’t understand why you wish to turn him away from drug.
You also have not done the confrontation because deep down you know your ultimatum is nothing but a facade of a wish.
I will advise you to take the exit door while you can, this issue could cause great trouble between you two or he may end up been caught for drugs and you may need to leave him at last. A drug addict as a husband and father of your children is the most terrible thing you will ever experience in life, both for you and your children.
Cheers!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2020):
 I know the HARD part of this question is that you FEEL love for him and want all the GOOD things to happen for him.
But that is not where he is at.
His "love" is for the drugs and the high he gets.
Know this OP, YOU can love someone and NOT be with them. You can love someone who is NOT good for you.
You GAVE him an ultimatum. Drugs or you.
He chose drugs.
I know that hurts but that IS reality. That is THE truth.
You have CAUGHT him 3 times. How many more do you think he has done drugs while being with you that YOU just didn't catch? MANY! I have no doubt.
Addiction breaks my heart. Because it NEVER just affect ONE person. It creates hurt, trauma, pain like ripples in a pond. It spreads. Family, loved ones, friends - THEY all become affected.
Right now? YOU are affected by it.
How many more times DO you have to "catch" him to accept reality? Reality being that HE is STILL doing drugs and he WILL not stop. Not even for you.
When will you put YOU first?
You can not be responsible for him or his choices and actions but you SHOULD be responsible for your own.
So, why are you choosing to stay, and don't say "because I love him" that we understand. But you STAYING is not helping him or "pushing" him to quit or seek help. All it does is show that you are NOT a woman of your words. Because the "threat" to leave is meaningless when you DO NOT LEAVE.
You are in your 30's. Is this how you see your life 2 years or 5 years down the line? As the GF of a drug user?
How long are you going to stick your head in the sand and "pretend" he isn't using?
Loving him will not cure him of his addictions, it will not fix him or help him.
Staying with him doesn't mean you are a "better" person than if you leave and stand by your words.
If drug use is a no-no in your book - both for you and for a partner then WHY turn a blind eye on his? Do you want to be there when he OD's? Or you step on a needle? When he gets "bad drugs"? When he starts shooting up right in front of you? What exactly?
I can't tell you what YOU should do. You already KNOW that but you CHOOSE not to do it.
I can, however, tell you what I (hopefully) would do in your shoes (though I would not have dated an addict to begin with). I would NOT confront him, there IS no point to that. HE knows he is using, he probably even know that YOU know..., he is an addict not a moron. Which means I would pack my stuff, move out and wish him well. I would also BLOCK all contact to him and from him. He chose drug over me.
Tell me this, WHAT is it that you love about him that makes you over-rule your OWN values and your own ultimatum, your own words?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 July 2020):
 You now know he loves the drugs more than he loves you. There is absolutely no point in giving him ultimatums if you are not going to carry them out. You may as well just say "carry on using the drugs because, although I don't like it, I will just put up with it". He has even got so blasé that he is not being careful about hiding the fact from you. He will probably get increasingly more comfortable with the situation, to a point where he will be shooting up in front of you because he knows you will do nothing about it.
You are obviously not ready to leave him yet (by your own admission) so it is pointless advising you. You will leave him when you are ready, not before. You are in love with a drug addict. Nobody can magically transform him into what you want him to be.
You already know this is a no-win situation and you already know your only two options are to save yourself a lot of heartache and walk away or put up with him as he is and hang in there until you have no more strength left. I wonder what it will take for you to walk away?
...............................
|
