A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, and thanks!So I'm engaged but not sure if I'm making the right decision. My fiancee is very secretive. I find things out mostly by social media because I'm friends with his friends and they post and it comes up on my newsfeed. The most recent thing I found out is he moved without telling me. To me that's a huge red flag. We both live in different states. When I confronted him he made really pathetic excuses. It truly makes me concerned about what else he hides from me. I will ask simple questions like what's your plans for today. He will say nothing. Then later his friends post on social media and hes out drinking. Makes absolutely no sense why he wont mention it. I have told him I'm really tired of his secrets and not sure how much more I can take. Also, he smokes marijuana all day. I didnt know he was using it so much. I dont have issues with weed use but all day everyday day is an issue for me. I should mention I'm 8 years older than him. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): We get what we think we deserve. I think you deserve better. What do you think?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): OP, what you are asking us is as silly as a woman on ship deck, asking us this question: I can see a great white shark, circling the boat, do you think it would hurt anything, if I swim for just a little while? At your age, there is no way, that you can be so naive or indecisive that you have to ask us if it is a good idea, to marry a lying pothead! Yes, I called him a liar! He is lying by omission! How will he provide for you when smoking pot all day every day? How does he provide for himself? He cannot even be a dope dealer, because all the product is going up in smoke! Imagine a race car driver. How many red flags do you think he or she must see, to stop the racing? Just like racing, you are dealing with a life and death matter, for you and your potential future children! Please wisely, dump him! Just end it with a clean break!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): Pardon my frankness, but it's all with good intention. This is a serious matter, because this involves the man you intend to exchange vows with; and make your husband, life-partner, and possibly the father of your children. You keep finding contradictions, or discovering secrets; which won't allow you to build trust, or feel secure in your commitment. Even now, as it is!!! I refrain from telling you what decision to make, that's up to you; but I have to encourage you to use logic/commonsense against emotion.
A woman in love is a powerful force to reckon with. You don't just tell them stop loving. Who the hell do you think you're talking to? I've been giving advice here on DC for several years. There is an age-group among women more difficult to reach. Women in their late 30's, 40's, and above; who are having difficulties in dating, long-term relationships, and marriage.
Marriage is in a different category among relationships. Vows have been taken, they are relationships that are now bonded with legal and moral constraints. You have to fight harder and work harder to maintain them; or undergo a legal-process to end them. You deal with custody-battles, and the division of assets and property. Families become separated. Children are hurt the most by divorce. You don't, or can't, just throw up your hands and walk. Now is the time to make a decision. It must benefit you in the long-run, and be one that will not end in regret or sorrow.
I always say, boyfriends and girlfriends are disposable and replaceable! They are held only to an honor-agreement. Engagements are one-step from marriage, and promises made should be kept. No ifs, and's, or buts! It is that period in your commitment when you must decide this is it, I'm in it for the long-haul, trust is strong enough to carry us through this; and love is strong enough to sustain us. If that isn't so, at this point in time; you may proceed with the wedding, but divorce is inevitable.
I'm not naive. Any marriage can end at any time, and for any number of reasons; but when you see all the red-flags during your engagement, and ignore them; don't act surprised when those eggs have finally hatched! You're two years into marriage, and everything you were forewarned about becomes your ugliest reality! You had a open-window of opportunity to bailout; but you wanted to put "Mrs." before your name. Even thought the "Mr." shows signs he could be a lying-cheater, abusive, cruel; and you've seen the signs and warnings from the very start!
Ladies past 35 and nearing 40, tend to dread loneliness. They've accomplished their careers, met the majority of their goals, done a decent amount of dating; and some have even shed a few boyfriends, or a bad-marriage.
Maybe they sense an urgency, thinking the biological-clock ticks against them? I often worry they will be the least likely to leave abusive-relationships, or will try to cling to men in whom the don't have a molecule of trust. They worry about their changing bodies, and feel their options are limited. When it comes to seeking romance; they believe men won't desire them, if their bodies aren't slim, toned, and perky. Like universally, all men have the option to choose only the best and the perfect woman for themselves. No they don't. The losers just look for someone desperate, gullible, and willing to put-up with the worst in them. They know they don't have a chance with smart self-confident females. Women who don't love themselves, offer themselves up as martyrs to be mistreated and damaged. Then blame all men, and decide it's just how all men are. No, it's the choices you make! What you give for the sake of love...even when that's not even remotely what it is.
Many OP's figure, they can't compare to the busty plastic-females seen in porn videos, or compete with athletic-females in their 20's; who never miss a day at the gym. They have a tiny waistline, and only wear petite sizes. Why is it I'm seeing all these females walking next to men, holding hands, who don't at all look like that? Why do I see families out together, all ages, sizes, and shapes...looking so happy and content? Why are women clinging to cheaters and losers for love??? Why do good-men let down their guard, and let terrible females destroy the goodness in them?
They give-up, and just settle for whatever. That kind of thinking is cynicism and pessimism out of control; and a lack of self-confidence. Contradicted by the reality that mature-women still find husbands, big-girls find love, and also dump guys and break hearts by the dozens; and average-women also have hot-husbands who adore them! We are a society fed by media, advertising, and brainwashed by greedy-industries that prey on our weaknesses. Regardless of gender! It's sexist and ridiculous to believe men only want young supermodels, and get bored with anything less! We can't judge everybody by the worst of the bunch. Be that the case, most of humankind has faults and flaws; and capable of the worst sins or evil. Does that mean God is just going to fold His mighty arms and just send every single soul to hell, with no exceptions? No! He chooses those of us who have righteous-hearts and good-character; in spite of our weaknesses. We strive to be good, even when it seems it's not popular within the masses or the majority of people.
Of course, the worst of men stand-out! They're the most likely you'll run into! They are the test of your judgement, discernment, and ability to make wise-choices.
It might even seem jerks are the predominating male-type; but that's why you have to be selective and patient in your selection-process. Don't choose a husband, if you feel insecure about him...or yourself! Fix what's wrong with you first! Then commit to a relationship, or accept a marriage-proposal. Remember, you are choosing a life-mate. He's now your fiance, not just your boyfriend anymore. You want marriage; but sweetheart, not at any cost. You have seen and discovered far too much. This guy is way too shady! Maybe the dress has to be put in storage for awhile.
Even criminals are entitled to due process under the law, and deserve their day in court. They have a right to face their accusers, and to defend themselves. You need to have a serious heart-to-heart with this guy, and layout all your evidence. You might want to postpone the wedding, even longer than the present restrictions under Covid-19 might push that day further into the future.
Honestly, I think you have your mind made up; but the fear of missing the opportunity of a lifetime delays your decision. You don't get a marriage-proposal easily these days. Men are too commitment-phobic...right? Many have good reason, and some are just scared. Some propose and purposely sabotage it; because they have a sudden change of heart. They are terrified! It's better to let them go; then to force them to do what they don't really want to do.
Ask yourself this. Is this man worth marriage, and if you carry it through, will it survive? Will you ever really trust him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 July 2020):
 How long have you been together?
And how long has this been a LDR? How much time during this LDR have you actually spend IN person together?
I presume the point of getting married was with the idea of also LIVING together, correct? Why did you get engaged without having lived (at least) NEAR each other?
He doesn't INCLUDE you in his life. You find about about in a roundabout way through his friends. Can you imagine that in a marriage?
He smokes pot every day? Do you know the actual cost doing that? Does he make THAT good money that he can afford this? And... do you see a long term DAILY user being a good partner and employee? While it IS legal in many states, it is STILL illegal to DRIVE while under the influence (be it alcohol or drugs) many companies STILL do drug testing and will NOT keep an employee who is high during work hours, some won't even keep employees that test positive for ANY kind of drugs. My husband was doing research into a job and they do not allow smoking (cigarettes) even if it doesn't occur during work hours. Thankfully he doesn't smoke, BUT... Employers are not going to keep a pothead on if he come up hot. And then what? YOU are going to be the sole financial provider?
You have found things you aren't "keen" on. So wouldn't it be SMARTER to decide if this IS the man you see a future with or not. Just REMEMBER that a RING on your finger and some VOWS do NOT change who he is. He is NOT going to stop going drinking and smoking pot FOR you.
He is not going to TELL you what's up in his life even if you LIVE together. He is going to do HIS thing regardless.
I think YOU need to consider, that THIS guy is not the one for you. Better to find out now, than AFTER you relocate and marry.
I have not met many pot-smokers who didn't end up being "losers" - they stagnate in life, then smoke more because they are unhappy, then they stagnate or even go "backwards" (like losing their job, home, car or.. kids) Which leads them to smoke more or do harder drugs.
Is there really a future FOR you with him?
Sounds to me like the two of you have an online/LDR thing going and doesn't REALLY know each other well enough to marry. To be honest, my husband and I were LDR for 18 months (with 4 back and forth visits) when we married and looking back? We should have spend a LOT more time in person before making that jump. And there were no red flags like no communication, drugs or secretiveness. It was just that we really didn't know each other as well as we THOUGHT we did.
If I were you I'd end it and move on. Find someone CLOSER to date, someone you can see on a almost daily basis and really get to know IN person. Someone who has the same values as you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): To me it’s sounds like he wants to be engaged but he also wants to live the single life.
Relationships are based on trust - this one is NOT!!
I don’t think he’s fully invested in the relationship OP. He is using you to pass time and get attention when he wants it. I mean he didn’t even tell you he MOVED???
Moving takes weeks/months of preperation and planning, and he didn’t mention it to his FIANCÉ ONCE in conversation?????
Your finding out about the man you are going to marry’s Life from social media?????
What next, are you going to find out about your divorce from his Facebook page????
This isn’t a relationship OP, it’s a joke! From his side-not yours.
He doesn’t care about you enough to include him in your life. Plus he sounds like a total loser!!!
You can do better OP. Leave this waste of space and find a real man that knows how to treat a woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): I think that with the 8 yrs older bit he is determined that you won't 'rule his life'.
This is man talk for meaning he intends to disregard everything you think.
Ultimately I would assume it includes a cop out clause whereby he decides that the age differences do matter.
I can't see what he expects to offer you.
Clearly if you want children you will have to act fast.
So he is hoping that the maternal pull will keep you around.
But this is no lasting recipe for happiness.
You could go ahead and get pregnant with your current man or you could announce your desire to branchout and move on.
Life sometimes rewards a brave move.
But what is it you really want for you?
Its your choice all the way.
You will never change him.
But you can alter what it is that you want out of life at this point in time.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 July 2020):
 You're cognizant of the fact that he hides things from you and you're extremely uncomfortable, that's enough for me. He is living his life like he does not really intend to settle down. That, to me, does not align with what it is that you want and what marriage is supposed to be. I think that the answer is clear here. You can't simply stay with someone whose values do not match your own. Someone who clearly is not ready to settle down. Many women before you have continued on and many of those had to go through expensive and lengthy divorces after having a couple of kids with this person and way more responsibility. If I were you I'd really think about what it is that I want because whatever that is, you deserve to have the opportunity to have the life that you want even if it means that he doesn't get to be a part of it.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (10 July 2020):
 Probably one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together is trust, and i'm sorry to say that this is something that this relationship in lacking.
He has got no respect or regard that he is engaged to be married, and is carrying on like a single guy.
Surely this is a wake up call, and hopefully giving you an insight as to what married life could be like with him.
To many red flags here, i can't see a happy future with this guy. I would move on, you can do better than him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 July 2020):
 My advice? Send this man child back to his mummy and find yourself an adult with whom to have a relationship. If you have to rely on checking his social media/talking to his friends to find out what he is doing, this does not bode well.
If he is smoking weed all day every day, that would indicate he is not working, so you are supporting him as well.
What is there to think about? Is this all you think you are worth?
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (10 July 2020):
 Too many red flags here. Hes living a life completely separate from you. He doesnt sound like hes partnership with you. Hes also young and heavy pot user.
I think its time re evaluate what you want and move on from there. I think its best leave but if improves and is willing to grow up and make it work, good. If not and he avoids you, hes not your guy. Move on
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