A
male
age
51-59,
*DW
writes:Its been a while agony aunts since I wrote in. Same or similar story, same girl. This time I really did it though. I went and married her on December 21st, 2013. Didn't take the advice, I tried, unplugged for a whopping 4 weeks, thought I was doing good. And one day we spoke, and I traveled to see her, and it was on again. I tried a second time, went 2-3 weeks in a conscious cease and desist mode. And we spoke, and it was back on again. She was doing great, we were doing well. Some of the same issues boiled up, but after 3 years plus. I accepted the fact that this is just what she does, I modified my behavior, instead of getting angry and arguing with her. I just ignored her mean text, or passively aggressively took the higher road. IT worked, she couldn't even remember half the things she said. I thought much of it could be chalked up to her being insecure which triggered her emotional flare ups that result in her telling me, texting that we are "Done", "Over", almost every other day, give or take. I thought getting married would solve it, fix the insecurities. Went an purchased another ring, we married on Dec 21st, 2013. Added her to my accounts, put 12K down on a car for her, she traded her car in, added to insurance, life, health, did everything, anything to show her that we are "all in"...Emotionally, Mentally, financially, etc... What I learned and am learning the hard way is that its still not enough. In the process of moving, her ex files a petition to try and keep her in Tn, and from moving to Tx and taking her special needs son with her. That's my fault. I'm in Tx, and my job is here. But, if I'm not able to spend significant amounts of time in Tn, I catch hell. Even though we are married. She pulls out the "D" word at the slightest hint of agitation. She accuses me 10 times more of my job, and my boys being more important than her. I am buried on back to back conf calls, and meetings all day, and don't call her during the day. She threatens me with the divorce. She threatens to sell her rings, sell her car, or pull money from the savings to pay 2 years of payments, tells me I'm paying for the divorce, getting it annulled, etc... something crazy, abnormal on a daily basis. I'm doing great in my job, my sons are doing well. However, personally I'm suffering. Flying to TN is killing me. I was in sales meetings in NC on Monday. She was throwing one of her fits, I flew from NC to TN Monday evening, flying back Tuesday at 4 AM to make a 9 am meeting the next day. Just to put my arms around her and say "its ok". I know its crazy, I feel crazy as hell. If not semi mentally insane for doing that. When I'm there, I'm to the point when I see her, I'm ready to go back home after a day. Much of it is spent arguing about getting a house, the one I'm leasing now would penalized me 3K unless I wait till August. That doesn't matter. She wants a different home now. Ok. We got her car, we have to pay for a move, Im paying for her real estate school, which she promised to study and hasn't. She wanted to sell real estate in Tx. I know i'm rambling, but so much to communicate to paint the picture. I got tired of her threatening me and went and removed her from the savings account 2 days ago. She called me today and went off on me for doing that, obviously she was going to do something with the savings. Threatening me again, selling rings, divorce, telling her attorney to cancel the move petition, etc.... Tomorrow, she'll be ok, a day or two will pass and it will be the same shit different day. Why do I write, I'm obviously a glutton for punishment. I obviously care for her. I really do. But I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and nearing empty now. I feel beaten. I just don't understand how someone that can seem so amazing one minute, can turn into this crazed, emotionally unstable fragile person in a blink of an eye. Do I do my best go go on a cease and desist and ignore her, letting her file the divorce? Do I try and work it out, fully accepting this is who and what she is and just deal with it like I have for the past 4 years?
View related questions:
divorce, her ex, insecure, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 Good luck with facing your own issues. Be sure you get help for your children too. You can get a referral from your doctor, or your lawyer, and both of them should be on your speed-dial now. Document everything, all the texts and emails and do not make any moves without first consulting that divorce attorney.
Best wishes, I do hope you get the help you need.
A
male
reader, BDW +, writes (7 April 2014):
BDW is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have to say, thank you AA's for the tough love, for lack of better words. All, duly noted. I shouldn't have even asked "what do I do". I know what I need to do. But, you're right. I must have co-dependency issues. I'm confident in so many ways, and have accomplished so much that "I'm perplexed." I don't know why I feel as if I need HER! I've been so close to exiting the relationship several times. I moved back to Tx from Tn. I went on a 4 plus week cease and desist, transferred my account back into my name. In regards to my sons. I have a 22 year old, doing great, fine young man. My 16 year old, is doing good. Great in school, loving, gives me a hug every time he see's me when I've been out of town on business. My 13 year old, stays with me ex, since I travel so much for business. But, for my issue of co-dependence. I'm going to seek help. Its not right that I feel anxiety when I get a text from her because I'm assuming its bad. I know its abnormal when I'm afraid to call her in the day when I have a 5-10 minute window just to say "thinking about you" for the fear of her getting angry because I can't speak longer. She states "You only call on your time". I'm selfish, we too different, etc... So, I don't call, then I'm brow beat for going all day without calling. This weekend. On Friday we spoke around 6 PM. Had a great conversation, she stressed how important it was that I stay in Tx to spend time with my boys, overall very sweet dialog with her. I told her I would call her back later in the evening. My son and his girlfriend came over, and when they left I fell asleep on the couch, just tired from all day on conference calls. Felt brain dead. Well, didn't call her back. I caught hell. She hung up on me when I called Saturday morning to wish her son happy birthday. Then started getting text. "Filing for divorce, everything is about me, my sons, etc...Telling me attorney is about to call, all that good stuff. Get more text today, long, long text bringing up stuff from Christmas, and two years ago, all of which she says she's tired of the way I treat her. With this said, is co-dependence that powerful that it keeps you in a relationship when you know its destructive, and toxic? She shows a day or two of extreme kindness, and this level of sweetness, and fun. And I forget all about the toxic stuff she says, and threats to me. In one of our arguments, I even spoke with her ex. He told me things without even preempting him of things she did, said, etc... Same as now, I didn't listen. She constantly tells me how much she loves me. But it doesn't matter anymore. There isn't any fixing.I must really be screwed up. I know I need help. I normally would have flown there this evening based on the type of text she sent. I didn't this time. I'm not even going to tomorrow. Its hard. Appreciate everyone taking the time to respond, and for the bluntness.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 April 2014):
 Oh btw : " my boys are doing well ". Sure about that ?
On March 6,2012 you wrote : "My son already has a negative perception of women : He believes that all cheat, or lie, or yell, or are just damn cruel. More than a counselor he needs to be in a different environment, we need to be in a different environment ". Well, as for you, apparently you are still in the same environment. You may have moved to a different State than hers, but you are still wrapped up in exactly the same drama as before, maybe worse. What about your son, is he still with you, is he still witnessing/ exposed to the shenanigans, the arguments, the crazyness- still breathing deeply the fallout of YOUR toxic relationship ?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): Just walk away. No one is going to give you a medal for sticking around.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (5 April 2014):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/throwing-in-the-towel-is-never-been-an.html
It would seem you ignored all advise you have received from this site in the past, went totally against everything, and here you are again, in a worse situation than before.
You need professional help, probably a life time of professional help. I just hope your sons are not learning from your very poor example on how relationships and parenting is supposed to work.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (5 April 2014):
One thing to note - marriage in itself never "fixes" anyone. Whatever issues you had in a relationship pre-marriage, they will be times 10 in marriage.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): "She accuses me 10 times more of . . . my boys being more important than her."
Sadly, her accusation is false when it shouldn't be.
". . . my sons are doing well."
Really? You've exposed them to the presence of an insufferable, toxic, psychotic bee-otch for four years.
Every second and every cent you spend catering to her irrational whims is time and money that would have been more productively spent with/on your children.
This psycho has become an obsession who has rendered you unable to make rational decisions. You need to get yourself and your boys into therapy ASAP.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2014):
Are you here for actual advice (as you didn't take the advice given the last times you posted) or is this just more of a rant? I think your situation is beyond amateur agony aunts. You're trapped by your own choices and don't know how to get out, you didn't listen to the aunts last time, what is different this time?
Go get some counseling and see a good attorney. I would also add that you should seek help for your children as you are exposing them to this extremely toxic and nasty woman.
GET PROFESSIONAL HELP! Seriously. Do it!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 April 2014):
 So you DID live together and it was dysfunctional and abusive, so you solution is to marry her?
Then I HOPE for your sake (and for that of your child) that you IMMEDIATELY seek some kind of counseling.
We here at DC can give all the well meaning advice, but I think what you need is far beyond what we can give with words. I think you need someone to SPELL it out for you and HELP you find a way of dealing with this who is PROFESSIONAL, because obviously the advice given here doesn't mean that much to you.
Good luck. No one should have to SUFFER or SETTLE for these kind of relationships. LEAST of all the kids.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I think you are co-dependent by nature and have an unhealthy sense of responsibility for another and are 'other-defined' - meaning that you need another person, even a 'vile' one, to give you a sense of self (which, by the way, is not your real sense of self, it's actually one that stops you from looking at the real one, which is probably a very pained and tormented one).
I really suggest you read co-dependency for Dummies. Yours is an extreme case, but co-dependents are identifiable by their addiction, yes addiction, to another person's - or several person's - behaviour, especially when it causes pain.
Better still, read the book AND get a counsellor. You may well dump your wife but without a deeper understanding of what is going on, you'll very likely repeat similar behaviour. Counselling/therapy will help you to understand your own addiction to this woman and the book is very good in explaining it and helping you to change.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 April 2014):
No no, Honeypie, they DID live together at some point, with her kids and his kid too, at least that's what the OP said the first time he wrote to Dear Cupid. And it was all out war, always according to the OP- she was cussing him, slapping him, kicking him. A total,indecent mess.
But the OP was undeterred and married her anyway. What to say OP ? It's hard to be understanding and compassionate, I think that, seen the premises, the most compassionate thing that the most compassionate Aunt could say is " You should have seen it coming, what are you, blind ? ".
I don't think you are realy asking for advice, because you know that your question does not make a lot of sense " What should I do ? ",- you should file for divorce, or let her file for divorce , ASAP. It's not having married her that magically makes you two compatible when you weren't, or your dysfunctional relationship suddenly functional. She's obviously got issues, and if you married her regardless of the infernal life you had together, well, don' t mean to be rude, but you must have issues too- and I feel that the issues of both of you would be best dealt with each one on his own.
But I have little doubt that you won't take todays' advices any more seriously than you took all those you got before.
I have to add that in all this, I feel sorry mostly for your kid. Come on, you know deep down that this thing with this lady can't last and won't last. You have screwed up royally- and expensively , this " passion " of yours,what with the car and the ring and the flight tickets and whatnot , has costed you quite a bundle. And it's all money your son ( what is he , 16, now ? ) will not be able to count on for paying his college tuition, or getting him his first car, or apartment etc. And no, please don't tell me, " it's MY money, I work hard for it, and I can do whatever I want with it "- personally I don't find this reasoning appropriate for a father. Even if your son will never need or want that amount in his lifetime- well, he could inherit it and use it for HIS children. I don't think a father should feel free to throw away money on irrational,unhealthy, selfish ADDICTIONS- because that's what your bond with this woman is, an addiction.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): Man, what is wrong with you?
Why come back for advice, when you didn't listen the first time? How would "marrying" a kook solve her obvious psychological issues?
You put yourself down and call yourself all kinds of names, yet you deliberately walk into walls; while beating yourself over the head with a bat. You seem to be in a self-destructive mode; or you are just a guy who gets kicks out of drama.
You are living with a psycho. You married her; because you are in some white knight mode, like you can whisk her off into the twilight; and all will be well.
Well, my friend, you've shot yourself in the foot. It must hurt like hell!
You're subjecting your own sons to this maniac, a dysfunctional marriage, and now they have to watch their dad slowly decline into a miserable shell of a man.
Take her up on the divorce. Foolishly you've split everything you've worked hard for down the middle for a emotionally disturbed psychopath. You have lowered your financial legacy to your sons, and now she walks off with half. Good move!
Get the divorce. Return your life to some normalcy before you end-up losing your job. You're pushing the envelope, and it's time you start acting your age. Everything you do, sets an example for your sons. They watched your first marriage fail. Now they get to see you go through it again. They also get to suffer with you while you do it.
Realize always what you do reflects not only on you; but you are setting an example for the young men you've helped bring into this world. The sins of the father will visit upon the children. They need to see you make rational decisions. They don't need to watch you suffer and quickly age before their eyes.
Give her the divorce; then celebrate the day it is final!
By the way, she's darned tootin' your sons are more important than she is!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 April 2014):
Wow, you REALLY stepped on your dick (sorry to sounds crude here, but BOY.... WHAT were you thinking?)
Since when does a ring on the finger, some vows and spending BIG money on a girl, change her attitude 180 degrees? You shouldn't have married her til ALL problems were sorted out in an adult manner. Ignoring her tantrums is not solving anything.
What is there to WORK out? What exactly do you think you can do to fix this? You got some magic want up your sleeve that can fix her? Marriage is a UNION of two people who love each other and want to share their lives together, NOT an INSTANT fix.
You DID the right thing in removing her from your bank accounts. Honestly it was crazy to add her in the first place, because you two were NEVER in a stable relationship.
You write:
***** I just don't understand how someone that can seem so amazing one minute, can turn into this crazed, emotionally unstable fragile person in a blink of an eye.****
SHE WAS ALWAYS that emotionally unstable person, she just HID it because you two didn't LIVE together and because YOU IGNORED every single sign (HUGE NEON signs) because you were so desperate to make it work, to be her knight in shining armor. What she needs is a GOOD therapist. And what you need, is an annulment and a good therapist.
You want to live the rest of your life with this emotionally unsteady yo-yo of a women?
I just don't understand why people are SO desperate to be in relationships that they are willing to SUFFER serious anguish. Mentally, personal and financial. How can that be better then being single? Why WASTE this ONE life you have on this?
I commend you for keep trying, I really do. But you know this quote? Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ( Personally call it Humanity, not insanity. ) Because unlike other species we really don't seem to WANT to learn from earlier mistakes.
...............................
|
