A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so almost 5 months ago I was in an on and off relationship that overall lasted three months. I felt I was in love with him but he was completely unstable. He broke up with me three times and I stupidly went back with him twice thinking we were 'meant to be'. I believed him when he said things would be different. I thought about my ex every day for months after we broke up. It wasn't until I got with my new bf that it finally stopped. I started dating the new guy two months ago (met him a few weeks before that). Things haven't been 'perfect' (we had this one fight when I thought we could be over I was devastated. But we worked through it. My ex would have left over less) but I feel a really strong connection with him and two weekends ago we told each we loved each other and it was incredibly romantic. Since then he can't seem to stop telling me he loves me. We live an hour apart and can only see each other two days a week, which is stressful at times but manageable so far. Problem is I found out from a mutual friend that my ex got a new gf about two months after we broke up. I wouldn't say I felt jealous but p^^^^ed off because he told me because of his 'issues' he felt unable to be in a relationship for a good while. I expected he would casually date but to actually start another relationship? I know people often lie when they break up with you and my friend said 'He's totally full of shit' but it still hurts. He also told me a month after we broke up that he couldn't stand not talking to me and still felt the same way for me. He also tried texting me when he was with her (I didn't know he was with anyone at the time but I know now) but I was bitchy by responding 'Who's this?' even though I knew it was him (and I knew he did too). I don't miss my ex anymore. I don't want him back. I know ever going back with him again would be a HUGE mistake. I'm happy with my new bf (would be nicer if we could see each other more often) though since finding out my ex got a new gf so soon I'm having trouble getting my mind off him that it is starting to affect my emotions for my current bf and making me doubt how I feel about everything. If I thought I loved my ex and it didn't work out do I really love my bf? Am I capable of loving anyone?
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broke up, jealous, miss my ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Yes,but this is not about love or being meant to be, it's the very predictable reaction of a hurt EGO. You thought you meant something special to him... you find out it was not so... and now your ego kicks and screams because it don't like that. Ignore the sweet messages, pay more attention to your present than the past, don't cooperate in feeding this illusion, and in a few weeks it will vanish.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell despite me thinking about this lately (before I found out he got a new gf I hadn't thought about him at all for over a month) I still think about my bf way more. No matter what is on my mind he is always the last thing I think about before I fall asleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. He usually texts me good morning messages so I've got accustomed to automatically waking up (and I hate waking up early) just to check for them.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 February 2012):
 “I don’t want to be in a relationship for a while” is missing the one key point… WITH YOU… they don’t even really know it’s that.. they may actually think it’s about all people but it’s about not fitting with you.
“I don’t want to ever get married” is a great example… I started out with my fiancé as FWB/NSA and we were very happy that way. ONE of the things I loved was that he did not believe in marriage. He was adamant he did not want to get married…. Then he fell in love… now he’s the one pushing to get married.
Three months with the ex is not a lot of time… so you are being a bit OCD with this… and you will meet and find the ONE… (or the CURRENT ONE)…. I’ve had three husband. I loved each one in their way in their time… I never lied to them about how I felt… what I said was true then…
Are you the same person you were before you met BF #1? NOPE… your experience with him has changed you as will every big experience you have…. We are not stagnant things… we change and evolve…
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (16 February 2012):
 What you should do is count your stars that you didn't marry this guy and have his child. Move on. There are pleanty of honest and decent men in the world. Be patient, you you will find "the one."
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 February 2012):
Yes, this definitely sounds a bit of an OCD thing.
I mean, come ooooon. You dated all of 3 months during which you broke up 3 times ! If people nowadays would still handwrite letters, and you should send him your " scolding " by mail.. we could say that the whole story wasn't worth the price of the stamp. See it like a failed experiment, a practice for a real relationship, an useful experience to learn from, and stop wasting thoughts over an EX. You have a new bf, whom you are happy with . Focus on that .
Plus, yes, the ex may have told you a white lie ( I call it white because it's sort of general knowledge that " I don't want a relationship atm " only means I don't want a relationship WITH YOU" ) but, what's the point of throwing that in his face ? He could say , quite reasonably :" Yes, I have changed my mind. So ? Where's the problem with that ? ... "
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionp.s It's not that I'm obsessed with HIM, it's the things he said. All the bs and lies. Part of me thinks I would feel a lot better if I could just vent some of my frustration to him (ask him "So I guess that whole being single for a while thing didn't work out for you eh?") but the other part thinks it would be useless as he'd probably have some lame excuse (or shut down and not want to talk at all as he does when he knows he can't fool me) or worse yet think I want him back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDenise. The first breakup was over a complete misunderstanding and we got back together the next day. He broke up with me two weeks later because he wasn't totally over the first fight we had (they say women hold onto things but geesh...) and his best friend (who lives a way away and has never even met me) gave him a hard time about getting back with me. We got back together a few weeks after that. I just didn't feel 'done' with him yet. I had to experience being with him again to know he wasn't right for me and anywhere near ready being in the type of relationship I want. I tend to be a bit of an obsessive thinker. Once something or someone gets in my head it's very hard not to think about it/them even if I don't even particularly LIKE that thing or person. The only thing that ever helps is finding something else to distract me or dealing head on with whatever I'm obsessing about. I really need to learn how to give up control more. I'm sure it's a bit of an OCD thing. I really don't want to end things with my bf as I'm sure I would truly regret and I couldn't expect him to take me back if that's what I wanted.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 February 2012):
 I can understand that you were very hurt and disappointed that you and your ex were unable to make a go of things.
But, he broke up with you THREE times? Did he tell you after the first - or was it the second? - breakup that things would be different? I wonder why you didn't have done with him after the FIRST breakup!
And this is a man who told you he felt "unable to be in a relationship because of my (his) issues." Yet, he takes up with a new gal two months after one of the breakups with you......then at some point he tells you he can't stand not talking to you - and texts you when out with his new girlfriend.
Either he's confused as h*ll, OR (more likely) he has not much sense of how to behave with decency, consideration and respect in a relationship! In other words, has no grasp of ethics when it comes to dating.
Finally, if as you say, you don't want him back, why are you still obsessed with him? That's not exactly playing fair with the guy you're dating now.
If you really can't put your ex out of your mind, perhaps you should end it with the current one and be on your own for a while.
I just wonder why all this is bothering you so much.
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