A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together three years.In the beginning while we were dating it was the typical crazy gaga love. It was amazing, I felt like a million dollars and so lucky to have found the love of my life. We bought a house about six months in and everything changed. The gaga love stopped. His weekly routines of poker one night a week from 7-1am happened, 8-9 hours of football sunday, and constant non-stop texting around the clock to his friends even while spending time with me. Playing poker online. He is the type of guy to never be mean to anyone, although I have seen he doesn't have a problem being mean to me. He remains friends with his ex girlfriend... she has never moved on since she left him a couple months before our dating. It has been a thorn in the relationship and he would not stop talking to her regardless of how I felt it was interfering with our relationship. My feelings basically were pushed aside... things got so bad around this that we almost split. He is the type who is going to do what he wants and talk to who he wants and it doesn't matter how I feel about it. Either I deal with it or I leave. But it's not that easy because I have two pre-teen girls and have this house we own together and I don't want to move and I don't know that I can buy him out. Overriding all this, I love him. I have tried so hard to communicate how I feel, what I need, my deal breakers... the first year in a half was a pure struggle, I didn't know if we were going to make it. and spotty on and off after that. I finally decided there was nothing I could do about the ex... he was always going to be there for her, and nothing I would do or say was going to change that... so I just decided to let it go and try and pick my fights. He has some lifelong friends, some who aren't nice to me and who he insists are best friends even though they were not happy that he was with me and even though they didn't invite us to things and they did everyone else but us. I had dated an aquaintance of his a year or two prior to our dating and these friends did not welcome me in at that point and somehow judged me and didn't like me though I don't understand why. I never did anything to them. But needless to say, he is their buddy, and if I say anything in hurt that sounds bad against them he gets mad and will defend them, but I don't seem to get the same treatment. He is always everyone's best friend, but hasn't been my friend in I don't know how long. I love him, I want my life to be with him and I want him to get it together but I am not sure if this will ever happen. Recently a friend of his died suddenly. I have tried to be supportive but it has been hard to see how sympathetic and sweet and caring he can be when he wants to be. It isn't that I am heartless, it is that I have longed for this love and treatment for so long.... I see it is in him, but I don't get it. If I try to communicate this to him he tells me it isn't all about me and I am being heartless... I want to be married, and to have a baby. He had once wanted this or told me did prior to moving into the house, but that all seems to have changed. I love him, but despise him at the same time. I want the man I know he could be but that for some reason he can't seem to give me... He tells me he loves me all the time, but I need more. I need actions, I need romance once in a while, and I need to hear the things I think women like hearing, how much I mean to him, how he'd be lost without me, just feelings... I get I love you and he feels his actions by helping around the house and with my girls should be enough. He tells me I don't appreciate anything he does... this is not the case... I just feel like his roommate, not his love... We split everything down the middle but I pay for 3/4 of the groceries because he feels since I have two girls I should pay for most of them. everything else down the middle... we go out to dinner with the girls, he will pitch in 20.00 even when the bill is 60.00... I don't know if he is completely clueless or he just is who he is and I need to move on. Although with moving or having to buy him out or sell the house, that isn't that easy. Also, with this friends death, I wanted to be his support system... and it is like I am not. He goes to his friends, his friends wife, her friend and I sit here just feeling like I don't matter. At the wake I didn't know anyone so I tried to stick near him, he would dodge from one person to another not introducing me, not making sure I am doing okay, I felt dumb. I looked around and all the couples who arrived together were together visiting... but not us. We get home after a long day and all I want to do is spend time with him, but he runs up to spend time with his friends. He comes home at 1am and wants to snuggle with me and by this point I am sad, and mad and just feel abandoned. This is how it is always. and again if I try to communicate how I feel... I am wrong, I am selfish, I am guilting him, it's always me being awful, and treating him badly when all I need is a friend, and some love. He chooses to spend time with his friends over me... I have talked to my friends about this stuff a million times, I think I know the answer already I just don't know how I am going to be able to make the split because I have kids involved in this and a house and they switched schools to get here... I love him, but I don't love my life with him the way it is. I don't feel loved, I don't feel I matter, and I feel I always always come second, and sometimes last. I don't know what to do... I want this to work, is this dumb to think it ever could?
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best friend, ex girlfriend, friend's wife, his ex, I love you, move on, roommate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Personally, I think you know the answer to your question without even having to ask it. Deep down, you feel your are settling and now have a "business" relationship and not a romantic / emotional one.
I think you have to muster up the courage to ask yourself what you want out of this relationship. Is the emotional cost you are paying worth what you are getting in return. To me, it looks like this is an extended friends with benefits situation: you warm his bed and pay for your living expenses and he spends time with you when it is convenient. I just don't see him investing in you and your children emotionally or even financially.
While I realize you have strong feelings for him, from your post, I gather that you really desire more. It is now dawning on you that you perhaps jumped into this relationship a little too fast and now money and your girls' emotional lives are hanging in the balance.
I think you need to sit down and ask yourself if you want to continue this investment. Do you want a guy that treats you like a friend rather / business partner or someone that cherishes and respects you?
Perhaps you can rekindle your relationship, but to me, it sounds like you have a business relationship rather than emotional one. Extracting yourself from this man will not get any easier with time. Ultimately the final decision is yours to decide. I just hope you have the courage to follow the direction your heart is leading you to do.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): I dont think there is much you can do if he is not interested. It sounds as if he started a rebound relationship with you, following his girlfriend leaving him. If that is the case, people will say all sorts of things to secure you in a rebound relationship when they are feeling lonely and vulnerable. But sadly those things rarely come to pass or last long, once they `find their feet` again.
Since he has recovered from his past knock back, he sounds as if he has started to carry on his life like a teenage son, rather than a grown up partner. Even to the point of continuing some sort of relationship with his ex, despite how damaging it is to your relationship! If you were his mother and you disapproved of his contact with his ex girlfriend. You would just have to accept things if he refused to stop contact with her but this is supposed to be your partner! He is not behaving like someone who is in love with you or even loves you very much.
He really does sound as if he regards you as little more than a mother figure. Running around with HIS friends then getting in at all hours and wanting `snuggles`! How old is he?!
I know how difficult it is to accept someone can behave as he has done but it happens, I found myself in a similar situation not so long ago.
Im all for trying everything to save a relationship but if he really isnt interested in doing so, there is very little you can do alone.
Maybe you should consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are regarding the home. With two children to think of, you need a back up plan! You sound very unhappy and if things dont improve for you, you need to address your current situation for the childrens sake as much as your own.
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (16 February 2012):
 He sounds like a 15 year old to me, choosing hanging out with friends and texting over having meaningful time with you! Also, it seems as though he doesn't understand that when you go into relationship where there are children involved, you are accepting some level of responsibility for them.
I'm sorry, love, but it sounds as though you have an egocentric man on your hands. You need to have a very serious talk about how he needs to consider your feelings before he acts and makes decisions. Also let him know that you can't emotionally survive on so little! You need love and support and reciprocation for all that you do for him. If he can't do that, then you deserve better.
You can love someone that doesn't make you happy but that doesn't mean that you should stick around. There will be someone that would treat you much better.
Much love and Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 February 2012):
Sounds very unlikely that it COULD work.
You have been loyal to him; you've told him what your needs and expectations are, and received just about zero positive response.
IF you think he might be willing to go to joint counseling, you could suggest.
Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you concerning buying him out or what kind of arrangements are possible about the joint ownership. For that you probably should contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau, or a lawyer........you certainly are going to be unhappy and frustrated as long as you're with him........I don't understand how you can still love him, considering the way he treats you!
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