A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I apologise for the length, but I am in a rather desperate situation and need help.So a couple of days ago, my 12 year old sister (and I am 16) came bursting into my room saying that she found things on one of the laptops we have. She was crying hysterically, saying that there were pictures of my father (explicit) and of another woman. I asked her if there were pictures of them together and she said no. I asked her if it was the same woman in all the pictures, and she said she didn't know. My sister is very naive and I just suspected that she came across my dad's porn collection (and some pictures he must have taken of himself), and managed to calm her down. She is fine now.However, over the course of the next day, I just couldn't get her reaction out of my head. She was so hysterical and choking on her own tears, saying she was scared of what my dad must have done. She scared me, part of me felt like she can't have reacted like that over porn. I dismissed it at the time, but started to wonder if there was more than just regular porn in the laptop. I wondered if there was something worse on there.It continued to play on my mind, so I after a lot of debating with myself I just went for it, and had a look. I was rather horrified with what I saw. There were pictures of him, but I discovered the other pictures were images of one woman. They were not porn; they were 'real life' images. There must have been over 100, and there were ones of her naked, her underwear, her having sex etc. None of the explicit ones showed the face of the person she was having sex with (they were all taken by that person however - from their angle). So I tried to convince myself that it wasn't my dad, and that meant I had to look through them all - I had to know that there was no evidence pointing towards him. However, I found pictures with his razor (it has a noticeable design, with a black circle on the front). I also found pictures of her in what looks like my father's workplace/office. There are pictures taken at a hotel a few hours from where we live, and pictures of a theatre, and a suitcase, and images of two tickets to go see a movie in the town that my dad works at (my dad never mentioned that he went to see that movie, it was a month ago). As well as this, there are pictures of underwear on what looks like the sofas we used to have at our old home (we moved last year), and I am sure they don't belong to my mother (there are pictures of this woman wearing them too). I found images of a romantic card, a flower, and a text message that my dad must have sent to her (but the text message must have been some kind of inside joke between them, I didn't understand it). It looks like the man in the sex images are my father too.I was almost certain that he was cheating after seeing this - but part of me wants there to be some kind of explanation. I looked at his phone and found this woman on his contacts, along with all her details - her birthdate, her email, her number etc. I even found her on his Facebook contacts. :/ I know you can call this an invasion of his privacy, but I just need an answer. My parents fought many months ago, and whilst I don't know the exact nature of it, I know that my mother was angry because she felt my dad didn't talk to her as much, and would rather spend all his time on his phone. Since then, they've been fine.I love my dad very much - I've always preferred him to my mum, and have always respected him. We don't share a very close relationship - we don't talk about deep things or have very many conversations. I expected to feel mad in this situation, but I just feel sad. My dad saw some pictures I took of myself some months ago, in underwear, on my iPod (I took them purely out of curiosity) and confronted me and told me how wrong it it is. He was mad. But he never mentioned it again. I feel angry I suppose, in that aspect, having seen this now. He was always been a good father, and has always guided and helped me.I just don't know what to do. I am scared. I feel obliged to do something, because this is wrong. At the same time, maybe everything that I have found isn't enough evidence. If so, how do I find out for sure. If not, what do I do next? I fear confronting my father, because of what it will do to our relationship. I still fear that he will hate me because of it. Do I tell him that he must tell my mother? Or is it best that I leave it so that my mother doesn't have to find out - she's happy and I don't want to break up the family. And god forbid what it'd be like for my sisters. Thank you in advance, any help is appreciated.
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female
reader, Rosee13 +, writes (19 September 2012):
You should definitely tell your mother and your father too. This is not fair for your mother. Better to find out and you go through it all together, rather than let it eat you inside out. And no one can ever live in peace.
I hope your father will stop his wrong-doings and you need to let him know how this affects you and your sister.
I'm speaking from my own experience. It's been 2 years since I found out that my father had a child with another woman - now his new wife. And we all came out of this together, making the relationships between my mother, my sister and I unbreakable. I still respect my father as it's his own life and his own happiness to decide.
I hope you'll find peace for your soul soon girl.
Much love,
xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): I was about your age when I found out that my father had been having an affair. I found a box full of letters/pictures and it turned out he'd actually been paying her mortgage as well.
I kept quiet, but it ate me up. I didn't want anything to do with him. In the end it all came out and part of that was me letting my mum know that what my dad claimed to earn didn't match what he'd put down on my university grant application. I think it started her looking herself. It turned out that he'd been seeing this woman for several years and my mum and dad had almost separated before over it. As far as my mum was concerned it was all over and done with, until this all came out.
I had the worst year of my life while they tried to sort things out. My room was next door to theirs and they'd go in their and argue all night. I tried wearing headphones, blocking my ears but could still hear it all. It was awful. In the end they stayed together, but I hate my father. To me he broke all our trust. How can he claim to care about us when he was prepared to destroy everything for sex?
Personally, if he died tomorrow I'd be glad.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (9 September 2012):
 My parents split up when I was 20, and I found out years later that my mom had cheated on my dad. When I found out, I confronted her, and she lied to me about it. Not only that, but she had lied to both my brother and I previously about him being married before (they have been dating for a while, now). I love my mother, but there is a small part of me that wont be able to forgive her for it. In my mind, she was risking not just her marriage, but her relationship with my brother and I. It felt like she cheated on us, too, and maybe that's how you're feeling about it. It is such an unbelievably selfish act. I have cheated in relationships before, and certainly did regret doing it afterwards, but nothing put me against doing it more than when I found this out.
This burden isn't yours to carry - it's his. My advice is to tell your mother. Your father has been careless enough to leave explicit photos of his affair on a laptop the entire family has access to... he's either a complete moron (sorry) or subconsciously wants to be caught. It is a damn shame you and your sister had to see them... that breaks my heart.
The fact that you are worried about how this will affect your family says a lot about who you are as a person, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You need to put those worries out of your mind, though. How this will affect your family depends on how your parents choose to deal with it. Absolutely do not tell your sisters (but I think you know this, already). If it comes out, it comes out, but again... the responsibility is not yours. You guys are their children, not the other way around.
Best of luck to you, in whatever you decide to do. And again, I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): You should tell your mother, and then tell your father that you've told her. Or, you can tell them both at the same time what you have found, and then leave it to them to deal with it between themselves however they will.
He is doing something wrong and deserves to get caught. And honestly it is very stupid of him to be taking all those pictures and then storing them on the family computer. What does he expect. I almost think he wants to get caught. Some people want out of their marriage but are too coward to ask for divorce so they want to drive their spouse to file for divorce first. maybe your dad is doing that, stupid as it is.
Either way, don't feel like you are breaking up the family by exposing this evidence. The truth must prevail. whatever happens after that, is up to your parents between the two of them. Whatever will happen will happen because of what your father did, as well as what went on between your parents that drove him to do that (your mother may not be completely innocent either), and nothing to do with you.
right now is actually the worst time - when the family is still 'intact' on the outside yet that's just a a big fat lie, a false facade hiding an already broken marriage. Driving the truth out of hiding so it can be dealt with out in the open for what it is, is always better even if it leads to divorce because at least then there's no more lies and everyone can start to adjust to the new situation. Lies, secrecy, pretending, cover ups, these are far more toxic than admitting difficult truths that a marriage is over.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 September 2012):
This is the sort of post that every grown up should read before having an affair. That way, then know what the children go through when they find out.
Personally, I'd confront him first. This is not a situation where you can just turn a blind eye. You've seen what you've seen, and this will only eat away at you as it will eat away at your 12 year old sister. This in turn could cause you to have serious problems later on in life with trust issues, and you don't deserve that. You also don't deserve to have to be the keeper of some sordid secret that your father has been keeping from your mother.
For what it's worth, I too have been a middle man between my parents. I've never found photos like you did, but my parents have never really got on together, and God knows why they bothered staying together. But I do know that it's hard knowing things and not wanting to tell the other parent. It's really hard, and I don't wish it on anyone.
I think that you should tell your father what you've seen. Watch his reaction, and you'll know the truth within 3 seconds.
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A
female
reader, Dangerously Enthusiastic. +, writes (8 September 2012):
 Why wouldn't she tell her mom guys?
Here's the thing..
You say he's a good dad and he may be but that doesn't mean he's being a good husband. The job of father is so different to other parts of his life.
Put yourself in your mothers position.
Your daughter knowing something isn't right yet not telling you.
I'd be pretty angry and upset.
Tell your mom then she can decide on what to do and it's no longer on your shoulders.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aphrodite.duh +, writes (8 September 2012):
What a terrible position to be in! Oh, I really wish you the best of luck. I don't know much, except that your mother deserves to know this, even if she maybe doesnt want to. Having the right to know something like this comes in the fine print of having a relationship. That's why cheating is WRONG. It would hurt your mother, but if it's done, she deserves to know. This involves her just as much. I wouldn't advice confronting your dad. Not only would that be awkward, but also, he could very likely, react negatively to this. I think you know what I mean. It may seem hard, but I think you need to tell your mother. If not her, then someone like an aunt-maybe your father's sister or someone? They will know him, and keep your family's confidence. But you need to let someone know. Definitely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): Sorry you and your sister have been upset. This is a lot to deal with. It might be worth speaking to your Dad in the first instance, if you feel comfortable doing that? I think you and your sister need some emotional support right now, though. Do you have a school counsellor to speak to confidentially? If not, think about contacting Childline - they talk to children and young people who are struggling with emotional problems/parent problems, and have a phone line, email service and an online chat support system - just google childline.org Hugs to you both.
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