A
male
age
36-40,
*muk
writes:Hi , I have been engaged to my girlfriend for 8 months and am getting married next year. I work in a job which means 3 nights a week i have to work overnight and my fiancee still lives with our parents although we are moving into our first house next month. Recently she has been working late at work alot and even though she works hard she does not need to stay as late as she does. She is very attractive and has a good friendship with her boss and i know she loves me, but my curiosity got the better of me a few weeks ago and i looked through her phone which i know i probably shouldn't have a now wish i didn't. On one day i worked overnight and her parents were away i saw a text conversation where she gave him her address and said she was free if he wanted to come over and i know they chat online via messenger. I have left it until the other day when i looked again and was really upset. the texting went along the lines of how sexy he thought she was and that he wanted to see her soon. there was also a text saying that someone at work saw her texting him but couldn't see who it was and that they should start deleting their messages. Her replies back have said things like she looks forward to hugs and will look sexy for him. She does alot for me and we do alot together, but i'm really upset and want to know if it's all true. S from London
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): I know it's hard for you to believe. But you already know the answer man. Search yourself, you know the truth. For your own sake, DO NOT MARRY this woman. She is obviously not as committed to you are to her. Cut your losses and run. And if you decide to confront her, she will lie most likely. You have the proof you need. Even if it hasn't happened yet, it's only a matter of time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): I think it is obvious from the texts. Even if she isn't physically cheating, this is emotional cheating, which usually leads to the actually physical act.
You would be playing with fire if you kept going through with this. I am glad you found out now.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Tell her that there should be no secrets between the two of you . You can read whats in each others phone. You have a right because she is your woman.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 that should be your not you're
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2010):
You're looking at her phone is water off a duck's back compared to what she is doing to you. Tell her what you found and see what she has to say for herself. Inexcusable. But on the bright side at least you found out what kind of character she has before you tied the knot. Whew...close call. Best of luck Buddy.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 March 2010):
You need to be extra careful and not be too quick to jump into conclusions or you will live to regret it.
You can confront her and asked her about those text and hear what she has to say first .
It would be fairer this way to give her a chance to defend herself.
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A
male
reader, smuk +, writes (4 March 2010):
smuk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes he is married and lives across the opposite side of London and drives in early and sometime leaves late. the company has just gone through a re branding and has meant alot of late finishes and early starts recently. she is his Pa/HR person.
i'm having a problem with how to bring the subject up and what to say to her when she acuses me of going through her phone.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2010):
Is this boss of hers married by any chance?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 March 2010):
I think you should talk to her about it. The texts are a little too suspicious.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Honestly, you'll never get to know more than what you see. Most people just deny, deny, deny. You've already seen evidence of their text messages and you KNOW that this is not an appropriate relationship between them. You have to make the hard decision now. Are you willing to live in a relationship fraught with doubt? I should hope not. Before you confront her, figure out what you ultimately want. Are you ready to go into a marriage filled with anger and doubt? Do you really want to buy a house with someone who you can't trust explicitly?
In my honest opinion - end the relationship. Be the 'better' man and walk away with your dignity. Life is too short and marriage is too long.
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A
female
reader, Weramazing +, writes (4 March 2010):
 You do not deserve any of this. It is obvious there is something going on from the texts and that she has crossed the line.
I think it's time you confront her but before you do have a think about what you want out of the conversation. Answers? How she will change things if she wants to stay? Whether you can still trust her enough to be with her or not?
The fact that she has done this to you shows she doesn't care about you or your feelings and doesn't care about getting married in 8 months time.
The commitment between you and her means nothing to her.
The fact that it is someone she works with makes it even more difficult, as everyone has to work and everytime she goes to work even if she changes jobs you will always be worried that she will do the same thing.
You are in a serious relationship with her and some relationship problems are minor and worth working on but this isn't at all minor. Somethings are unforgivable and I think this is definitely one of those things.
Personally if I was you I would confront her and then I would leave her. She doesn't deserve to be with a decent man like yourself. Let her lower herself and do things with her boss and maybe other men in the future if that pleases her but don't be a part of it.
You have two options. one, confront her and after listening to her excuses stay with her in the hope she changes, yet always not trusting her and feeling insecure and paranoid everytime she goes to work.
Or...
two, confront her don't listen to her excuses and walk out of the relationship grateful you didn't get married. Then give youself a chance to heal and one day find someone who loves and respects you enough to nit even consider texting any other man those things apart from you.
you are still young and have the have so much ahead of you.
Move on and be grateful you are not going to be the 35 year old married guy with three kids and a cheating wife.
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A
female
reader, Tine +, writes (4 March 2010):
 well youneed to confront her and tell her about reading her phone. She may accuse you of envading her privacy but to be honest you needed to and it sounds as though your suspicions were right. You are about to marry this woman and she may be cheating on you so i suggest you confront her or maybe take her phone and get that number of the guy she has been texting and maybe give him a call.
Just because you work overnight doesn't give her the right to cheat on you. She should repsect you enough to tell you the truth, and even if she isn't cheating she is still texting another man.
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