A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I was wondering if anyone could help? 10 years ago, my life was great. I was studying to be a lawyer, I had bought my own house, I had great friends and was pretty happy. Some friends were working overseas and I decided it would be fun to defer from uni for a year and join them for the adventure. When I arrived I couldn't get a job! My self esteem plummeted, and I considered going home but was too proud. So I took a low paying data entry job. At this job I met my now ex-husband. He was charming and took me out to nice restaurants. I fell for his charms and then - stupidly - fell pregnant. He proposed - I accepted, we got married...because again, I was too proud to admit that I had been so stupid...Then at 4 months, I found out he was having affairs with other women. I miscarried. Battered, depressed, jobless and clueless I stayed with him and went back home to New Zealand. He got a spouse visa and came too. I was still too embarassed to admit to anyone that I had been so stupid. So we moved into my house. He was still emailing the other girlfriend, unbeknown to me at the time. I ended up falling pregnant again, and took a low paid data entry job because my ex husband had convinced me that I was no longer clever enough to finish a law degree, and that I was useless. Being young and naive I believed him. I gave birth to a healthy boy, who is now 8. When my son was 2, I caught my ex husband having affairs. After 12 months I finally convinced him to leave. He hired a great lawyer 'friend' and managed to keep his savings, whilst I was left with next to nothing. To cut a long story short - over the last few years I have built myself up again. I have a house again, a job and am back at uni and receiving awards for my work. The problem is, this man is still in my life and I can't get rid of him. It is like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. He has re-married, but sees our son 3 nights a week (he again hired a lawyer and dragged me through the courts, lied about my parenting abilities etc etc). I am horrified that I have to have anything to do with this man, he is a cheat, a liar, has no friends, and is one of those people you'd, 'hate to be on the wrong side of'. It has reached a point where I am frightened in my own home, as he threatens to turn up at my house. I have called the police - but they need firm evidence to award an intervention order, and he is too smart for that. He is a barrister (not in family law) but when I last dropped off our son I noticed a family law text book on his coffee table.I'm sorry this is so long, but I am not sure what to do anymore. If this man is part of my life until my son is old enough to make his own choices, then my future will be bleak, and I will be living just for my son. I've seen counsellors, it didn't help - at the end of the day, they can't make him go away. If our son is sick or needs anything, I still have to communicate with him, and he uses our son (yes, seriously) at any opportunity to be cruel and vindictive as possible to me. Any advice appreciated.
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male
reader, robot  +, writes (5 March 2010):
You have some good advise, and It sounds like you have already benifitted from opening up and asking for help. I have another angle on this that I bet you have never considered, and I could certainly be way off the money when I say this. If you think so then I apologise and just ignor what I'm about to say. Just to justify myself a little, I'm speaking from experience of a close friend of mine who suffered at the hands of an abusive ex for years in ways not dissimilar to yourself. She was also dragged through courts, he attacked her on several occasions, she was forced to lie about the truth for fear he would do it again. It was a living nightmare for my friend. They also had a child in the middle of it all. As time went on, he manipulated his way into society's good books by attending counselling and starting a college course, but continued to harass and abuse my friend to the exteme, and like you it seemed like there was no way to prove what he was really like. We did all kinds of things that you have been advised here; recording answer phone messages was the biggest give away of his character. I didn't know the guy, but just from the few messages he left her, some extemely abusive, he came across as pure evil.BUT, in the end, it wasn't the court that got him out of my friends life, although that was the next step she was taking. It was one very simple, but significant event in her life; she met someone else. Once she told him about the new man, all contact just stopped - all calls, surprise visits, pleas to see his child, text messages, everything; Just like that, after all those years it just stopped. The reason this happened is clear to me, and it is because of the most complex and dangerous of emotions - love. In a nut shell everyone, however disturbed, can love, and this man was completely disturbed and completely in love with my friend, and to be honest (and I know this because she eventually confessed this to me) she still loved him, even after all the abuse and all the affairs, she still had a candle lit for him, and deep deep down, would still entertain the idea of having him back as her life partner. [I believe there is a name in psychiatry for this situation].With the help of a supportive bunch of friends, and alot of herself making good in her life (while all the abuse was still going on, and devastating her every time it happened) she was surviving well. One day she told me she'd met a guy on a web site, and things were going well. She ended up falling for him, but I think this was only possible once she had convinced herself to let the other guy go - at the deepest level.Once she told her ex about her new relationship, the truth of this was enough to convince the ex to simply give up trying to get back into her life.Once again, please take this opinion as seriously as you consider fit, and I may be way off the money, but I think that in the eary stages of your relationship with this man there was some real love there, and bonds formed between you your ex partner and your child were deep, and even deepened from the shared and stressful experiences of misscarriage and court battles. Because he is a hopeless example of a human being his behaviour is appalling, but he somehow still feels deeply connected to you in a very fundamental way. It doesn't matter that he has a partner now, that could just be a front. You, I think did really love this man once, and please forgive me if I am wrong, but I think I can detect in your writing and element of some sort of bizarre and deep dependence on this man - if this man was really to get out and stay out of your life for good, it would mean that some of the best years of your life have simply been devastated by a worthless and tragic experience of lost love. I think there may be a buried thought inside of you that wishes he would become the man you fell in love with so that the years of despair would suddenly become worth it.Even if you think I am talking rubbish, I would ask you to make sure that you are doing everything you can to move on emotionally from your past relationship with him, and frankly, as many people will agree, by the way, the most complete way this is done is by becoming romantically involved with a new person.My advice to you - spend as much time as you can being with friends and family and having a good time socially and maybe even sign up to a reputable dating agency.Keep talking and ask for help whenever you need it. There are always people who care enough to help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Hi, I'm the original poster of this question. Thank you both so much for your advice. I think you have think hit the nail on the head - I DO need to be more assertive to protect both myself and my child. From now on I'm going to put together a file of text messages, emails etc and in time, when he slips up, I'll have it recorded. One day at a time. Thanks again, it's so easy to get bogged down and unable to see a clear picture of what is actually going on.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 First, record date time and what he has done or said. Check the laws for audio recording equipment. If legally evident, recording devices on your phone, and a hand small recorder in your pocket to gather anything that is said in person between you and he.
I'm sure you know where being too proud can lead to difficulties in your life. Definitely keep any text messages or email communication. In doing all of this, I know how frustrations can fuel attack like comments or behaviors from your end as well. You'll want to refrain from doing so. That way you're behavior would not be called into question.
You are still who you were before this happened. There is only this bad experience in between then and now. You don't have to justify why this happened, only accept that it did, and that you can now be on track to develop your life the way you would like it developed. This form of being proud, was more of avoiding the ownership of the mistake. Take pride in admitting error, and correcting it so it doesn't repeat. That's where real integrity and personal strength comes from. And don't focus on the end where your son can make decisions. Focus on today, and what you can do today to move you in the direction you want to go. Then tomorrow do the same. He may or may not hang himself by his actions, but doing this every day, either way you'll make it where you desire to be.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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