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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 17 and i know this might be normal but i feel like a bad person and feel like i don't deserve anything. Ever since my last ex boyfriend, who was VERY controlling, made me tell him EVERYTHING about my past and it's like I also had to tell him about my thoughts. So, ever since then i would think of wrong things like, sometimes when i see my grandmothers hand, i think of fingering and once in awhile for a quick second, i think of sex with my grandfather well i don't do it on purpose nor do i sit there and think of it but i accidently think of those kinds of things. Could it be because i think of sex more than the average person? I immediatly think to myself ew gross then i stop but it happens ever since my last ex. Then, tonight it wasn't bad but i am ALWAYS messing up with my words so i think just because i said in my head "i can't wait to go home and kill my mom" when i really meant to say "i can't wait til i go home so i can give my mom that shirt". Me and my mom are so very close and trust me i always mess up on words. People would say it's a blonde moment lol. Anyways, I was thinking well i'm a bad person i'm not going to buy her that shirt i wanted. I don't know it's all crazy but i need advice on how to stop thinking so badly and thinking i don't deserve to live. I feel like a failure but because of my ex. I never used to sit down or even when i'm out just think i don't desrve to live and want to die and seriously think about it. It's like he brainwashed me. Maybe i am blaming him but it didn't happen before him. Please give advice. It will be appreciated!
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female
reader, pica +, writes (4 September 2006):
I think you need to talk to someone about your feelings - events have really upset you. Try to relax and don't beat yourself up about odd or weird thoughts, just let them go. Believe me, everyone has them, odd things colliding in your head. But please go and see a doctor or counsellor and let them help. I don't think you're mad or bad, but you sound unhappy and I think it's beyond internet agony aunts to reassure you ;) Good luck.
A
male
reader, Turgo +, writes (4 September 2006):
FIRST OFF YOU DESERVE TO LIVE! And your not a failure. And abut the sex thing people thing about sex alout.. belive me.. but thinking of grandparrent like that even for second means theres somthing wrong. I would advise you to seek help, or therapy. You sound like you care. I think right now from and abusive relationship. You brain is kinda how you say out of wack. about brainwashing... he may have in some from. all the more reasion to get help. Another thing.. you hair color has nothing to do with your intelignece. Its just social BS. So....Seek help, and get back in control of your brain, and go out in the worl and kick some butt!Good luck, and remeber. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem, so get that help GET STRONG!
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A
male
reader, CRS698 +, writes (4 September 2006):
 Hi there, Maybe due to you exposing so much of yourself to your ex you feel emotionally raw? Thats understandable, to tell someone all our internal thoughts and feelings makes us feel really vulnerable and stripped away.You shouldn't worry about the thoughts you're having, we all do it to some degree, its almost like challenging our in built beliefs and expectations of whats right and wrong.You DO deserve to live and you're NOT a bad person to think and feel how you do.Your ex didn't brainwash you, he just took advantage of your trust in him, you didn't say why you finished but it sounds like you're better off without it.I hope it works out for you.
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