A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is on the whole very loving and caring. He cooks lovely meals, always tells me I'm gorgeous etc etc and says I'm the love of his life BUT...he's sometimes sarcastic and I HATE it. He thinks he's being funny but it always seems like he's doing it to control me. He says he'd never try and control me as he is a freedom lover himself. But, I just feel these sarcastic comments are really are destructive. How much importance should I place on this kind of thing?Example...I phoned and said I was planning on staying over with some friends so I could drink (had driven that evening). He said, "oh, well I think I'll stay out and not tell you where I am for a few days" it ruined my night! Am I too sensitive???Another one, we were away in the countryside for a lovely weekend. I was driving, it was really lovely up until this point. Then he was giving directions and said, take the next left. I said, this one here? He said, "no, the one 2 miles down the road" in a really scornful voice. It really threw me. I don't know where that came from. Is it normal to talk like this for no apparent reason? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 November 2012):
 Yes, you don't " speak " sarcasm, so inevitably you see it as something mean, aggressive and disrespectful.
I think that , in fact, often sarcasm is a very good way to keep things light and to express displeasure , surprise or disapproval in a less formal," heavy " way, which would make a big deal of a minor issue. It's a code, meaning " I don't like this, but let's not make a drama out of it ".
Your second example, for instance. If he had had to express himself in a literal, non sarcastic way, he should have said " I feel surprised and annoyed when you ask futile, irrelevant questions which could be spared by the simple use of a bit of logic and common sense. When I say the next left, the conventions in our language imply that I mean the next from the moment that I speak, and that should not require any further elaboration, unless you are not listening to me on purpose, or extremely absent minded, or extremely insecure of your powers of comprehension blah blah blah ".
That would have become a declaration of war !, and would have probably started a confrontation over , basically, nothing. A little needling, and, in his mind, he gets you to be sharp and quick of reflexes, without opening a major debate about semantics, the way of processing infos, and driving styles.
Moral : personally I think that you need to grow a thicker skin, and to give as good as you get. But if that's not your thing, just tell him : I don't do sarcasm, I feel offended when you try to be witty, and from now on, if you have complaints please express them in a factual, literal, non methaporic way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Sarcasm can be used to put people down. The best way to find out if thats what he's doing is to be sarcastic back. If he sees the humour in it and enjoys the banter, you don't have a problem. But if he doesn't like you being sarcastic back and views it as a problem, then he is being controlling with his albeit not very subtle sarcasm.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 November 2012):
 Ah you don't speak sarcasm.
My husband is totally and completely sarcasm impaired and since I am fluent in it, it does present problems for us.
Personally you need to learn to give as good as you get.
for example my response to " "oh, well I think I'll stay out and not tell you where I am for a few days""
would have been a quick... "have a nice time, wear condoms..."
snarky is as snarky does.... so to speak
his remark about the left turn was a bit over the top but still not anything to worry too much about... he just doesn't deal with stress well...
now as for trying to control you... I don't see how you see that..... how to you equate sarcastic comments with control?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (1 November 2012):
IF everything else is good in the relationship, it’s probably just his sense of humour. It’s hard to see how the kinds of comments you give as examples could really be effective at controlling some-one. People who are controlling tend to be far more manipulative, they wouldn’t be sarcastic and instead would be far more likely to make comments aimed at giving you a sense of worthlessness to undermine your confidence. The most serious problem you’ve got is a difference in sense of humour. Laugh it off and in time you’ll get used to it.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Personally I think you're being too sensitive but I'm a king of sarcasm. You and I would never work OP, very sensitive and sarcastic do not mix at all unless you can find a way matching his sarcasm or dealing with it. Most of my girlfriends have either been sarcastic or learned to ignore/override it. But none of them were that sensitive as to be very upset by anything I said even if I did step over some lines and shock them a little the odd time.
OP you say he's sarcastic only sometimes and it's only sometimes you get thrown back by it surely if it's not very often you can learn to let it slide or learn to have your own sarcastic comebacks, I mean I'm sarcastic all the time, only serious conversations are off limits. I have entire conversations with my girlfriend both of us being completely sarcastic to see how far we can take it. I mean if I said "oh, well I think I'll stay out and not tell you where I am for a few days" my girlfriend's response would be "thank god, I can finally have some time to invite over my Spanish lover, or great! I need a break from pretending your penis is an adequate size and faking orgasms" to us that's hilarious.
My point is OP, our senses of humour are similar and we both have thick skin, the whole fun of sarcasm is you always skirt the line of being offensive, there's a thrill to seeing how far you can get with it. It just so happens some people including you have a very restrictive line and find anything that isn't perfect and polite all the time, offensive. I think you and he may be a bad match.
Look it's all well and easy for people to say tell him it hurts you and not to do it but I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. Sure he'll probably give it a go but then he'll always be walking on eggshells, always stopping to think of what he's going to say instead of just being himself. He'll constantly be afraid of saying something hurtful and he just won't be himself OP, you either want to be with him or you want to change him, you can't have both and you really don't want a guy who would change his personality for you.
Talk to him and see what he says, but try and compromise. Try and take some of it on the chin and don't be afraid to speak up if he goes too far, but please try and ease your restrictions slightly OP, neither of those were all that rude.
but be prepared for this just to be an unresolvable issue of compatibility, people might not think so but trust me sarcasm is a personality trait that can't be gotten rid of, trust me I tried, it always comes back. People either love it or hate it and the two sides do not mix well at all. I have had plenty of people in my life hate me just because of the way I speak to people and how sarcastic I am, I've learned over the years the ones left behind are the one's that accept it as part of me. If you can't accept this really minor part of him then walk on and make sure you find a guy as serious about life as you are next time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 November 2012):
 Have you ever gone over to a friend's house and noticed that their family interacts differently with each other?? Example, let's say that your house is quiet and reserved, yet your friend's house is loud.
Or, let's say that your family was strong on manners, but you go to another house where manners were considered stiff. Or, a house that is more religious and structured, yet you're from more of an artistic or free-thinking background??
This isn't about control. This is about culture. Your boyfriend acts this way because that is how he communicates. He could have been raised on it (I'm guessing that he probably was!). It's quite possible that his sarcasm is a way to deflect how he really feels, as Stacily said. His family's culture might have been to avoid direct confrontation by way of sarcasm, or it might have been simply the nuances of their family.
You, on the other hand, consider sarcasm to be a lack of respect and a generally negative form of communication that you do not care for. The reason I consider this to be culture as opposed to control is that his general demeanor is very kind and loving toward you.
I see two ways to deal with this:
1. Converse on his level. If he's used to sarcasm, diffuse the negativity of it by responding sarcasticly while hitting the underlying cause of his sarcasm. Example: "oh, well I think I'll stay out and not tell you where I am for a few days"...you can respond..."Well, when I get home safely tomorrow, I shall think fondly of your few days homelessness" with a smile. Sarcasm is very easy to disarm when you don't take it seriously. Heh, if he said the "left 2 miles down the road", I'd probably laugh and say "Good thing you're a walking GPS" and then take a right.
2. Level with him. Tell him that you love him, and you really appreciate him in your life, but he may not realize that when he reacts sarcastically, it really hurts you. You're not used to sarcastic communication, and that he may not mean it to be an insult, you're feeling it.
Either response has pros and cons. Both have benefits. But either way, don't take sarcasm personally. It's more about his way of communicating than his disdain for you. If you're emotionally unable to disarm him using #1, then best to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Word of advice, do NOT have the conversation right after he gets sarcastic. Do it during a calm moment.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (1 November 2012):
 I think it's a mix of you being sensitive as well as him being rude. His comments are rude but I think you take them very hard. I also think you need to both work on your communication. Rather than say how he feels (you going to stay over at a friend's house drinking) he jokes around instead. And rather than you flat out ask him why he is joking about you staying the night and ask if he has a problem, you let it ruin your night instead and kept it to yourself. I don't think it has anything to do with him controlling you, he just doesn't communicate the most effectively. Tell him his sarcastic comments hurt your feelings and that you want to work on talking better. If he asks what you mean give him the examples you gave us here. The next time it comes up where he says something rude tell him so, say "this is what I am talking about, why are you being so rude about directions?" don't get upset and bring it up later, he will likely have forgotten and say you are overreacting. You probably can't help your sensitivity but he can help how he speaks to you in certain situations. Try to be more open and talkative with each other. And when he makes jokes like the night you stayed over at a friend's, realize he is upset by it and his jokes are to keep from talking about his emotions from it, it's easier for him to joke around. Next time say "so this bothers you... Is there anything I can do to make it better? I don't want to ruin either of our nights."
Communication is key. Let him know how his comments make you feel and be empathetic towards his feelings. He can get better with it once you talk more on work on it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Dump him. He sounds like he is super abusive. I'd never tolerate a significant other that behaves in this fashion.
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