A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:this is more of a question to guys.I believe there 2 types of women, 1 a woman who you love sincerely, and the other ones who you attend to sexually.The problem is I'm unable to have a sexual relationship with my wife who I love with all my heart, yet I do these things with other women. For a general example: i could do anything with other women, but when it comes to my wife the best i can do is: a quick missionary. And that's just an example, in reality I can't have sex with my wife at all. There will be people who would say "combine the 2 types into 1, and that's it; problem solved" please don't; I would appreciate help from those who actually were in the same position, who actually understand the problem. in detail:We recently had a child; our first. Before our baby we weren't really together, but when we found out she was pregnant I immediately dropped everything and decided to put everything aside and make it happen /we were an unacceptable couple from our family-side age-wise and social standing-wise/, a decision I will never regret. My wife is 1 in a billion. The problem is I love her so much I don't want to do anything "dirty" with her. I had this problem with my ex with whom, even tho I still had a sexual "relationship" with, i didn't extend the sexuality to its full potential. But now it's even worse I don't have sex with my wife at all.I have this addiction to attention from women I really like. The addiction to be wanted, to be "loved". I don't feel like I'm cheating even tho I know I am technically cheating, because in the end I know I don't want any of them as a mother of my children, as a soulmate for life, as a wife; i already have my wife who is more than perfect. But I do not ever give them false hope of companionship. It's really complicated.In the end I'm leading a double life, the worst thing is I don't feel guilty at all; the only reason it's secret is because no one would accept this behavior, not my wife nor the other women nor the society. I don't know what the hell is going on, is this common? is this normal?I don't know how to live normally. I want to become this globally and socially acceptable person, or is there no such thing? Are my ways secretly normal?I don't really know how to express myself fully, I will gladly try to explain myself better to those who were or are in similar position
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): I like having relationships with women but would rather have sex with strangers, it's less complicated. I think a lot of blokes are like that but your problems are a bit more complicated.
A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (2 November 2012):
 Firstly, we are not "wired' to be monogamous absolutely right, but our brains allow us to be so, that's why we are not apes in a forest
Two types of women.. No. There is one type of woman who likes it be loved and as you put it "attended" to sexually. I've never met a woman who feels adored by her partner who doesn't want to love sex. Sadly most men don't appreciate a woman needs to be seduced in order for her to find her man sexually appealing.
As much as men need to be appreciated for all they do, their ladies need to feel important and gorgeous
And here is the big bomb shell
From what you say you just simply do not love her, you didn't plan your child you were not together when it happened.
My honest opinion - you should not be together
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso it seems I might also have this "The Casanova Complex" as described here: http://soundingcircle.com/newslog2.php/__cat/_c2242/
because I am addicting to courting women, not for the purpose of sex but for the purpose having a woman. As slightly touched by the article I have been hurt when I was in my teens after I overcame that girl and everything changed.
But I'm not afraid of this particular situation, because my love of my wife is too strong for me to give into this "addiction." Lately I have been less active with other women, I have finished and stopped having emotional relationships. I am coming clean, because my wife is such loving wife, she understands me and accepts as I am. She never asks about my other life, she has hunches but does not pursue them. She knows it's all up to me. I'm such a lucky man to have such a great wife, and I'm happy that I am changing for the better. Thank you all again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, I knew it was the right thing to do post this and seek advice. I wasn't sure, now I am, I feel much confident about our future now, and I feel happy that I will change all this for the better. Thanks to you and pointing out this complex I was able to google this up and found numerous threads here and there for example: http://www.healthcentral.com/sexual-health/c/question/34062/46139. It's just so assuring to find people like me, who feel horrible about what they're doing to their wives and are willing to do something about it. I'm quite confident this will become better.
It seems everyone who has this problem in their marriage the only way to fix it is to have both parties acknowledge the situation and to agree to forcibly try to spice things up gradually, even if it's too hard, try to attempt fantasy foreplay and so on. The key to acknowledge the problem/the complex together, and agree. It seems people are trying to fix their problems by themselves without talking to each other and agreeing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): If you love your wife, acknowledge this is not normal & seek professional help. I don't know how common this "condition" is, or what if any treatment might be available, but you owe it to her to find out.
If you don't, you will lose her. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): i can relate in a weird way, but not 100%. sometimes i believe the concept of monogamy is a bizarre one. as humans, we aren't wired to be monogamous, yet we try so hard to force ourselves to be. we pick a partner, marry, and then try to fight the natural urge to experience different sexual partners or meet other people.
do i think what you're doing is wrong? yes. because if your wife knew what you were doing, she'd be crushed. you know that, as well as everyone else reading this post. but you've justified it in your head, so you don't have any guilt about it. and i've done that before, too, man. i feel where you're coming from. but it doesn't make it right. maybe you need to find a relationship where you can be swingers, or have an open relationship? maybe monogamy wasn't meant for you. some people can force it, others can't.
also, have you tried to figure out why exactly you can't have sex with your wife the way you do with random women? are you afraid of degrading her or treating her like a whore? the thing about this behavior within relationships and marriages is that we get to act out fantasies while also benefiting from knowing our partner doesn't REALLY think or feel the way we are treating them. when there's love involved, both parties know there's no disrespect. it's just a role being played. you have to be able to distinguish between this. maybe you're so afraid to treat her the way you want to because you don't think she'll understand? or because you don't want to treat the woman you love like that. but which is worse? cheating on the woman you love with random women or communicating to her and expressing sexual needs? i see no real reason you can't fulfill your desires with your wife.
but like i said, we all have needs. and if your desire to experience different women and have a good time is overridding everything else, you need to divorce your wife. you can't keep this up. it's not fair to everyone involved. especially now that there's a child involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012):
OP I am one of the previous female anon posters, I just wanted to repeat myself on this:
If you love your wife as much as you claim, then stop having sex with other women. If you can't, then it's more loving to set your wife free by divorcing her so she can find another man who will give her a normal marriage.
Please, do the right thing. Your poor wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): "I don't know what the hell is going on, is this common? is this normal?"
No this is neither common nor normal.
You need to see a therapist or a counselor to figure out what's going on here. There is some deep seated psychological block inside you that's causing this dysfunctionality. You need to do this not just for your sake but for your wife's sake, because right now you are treating her very badly and hurting her.
And yes it is dysfunctional because as you said, your wife doesn't accept it (of course nor, who would?? would YOU accept it if your wife only wanted to have sex with other men not you yet claims to love you?). And the women you sleep with don't accept it either (of course not, because they are looking for more than just sex but a companion and you're not able to do that because you're married so you're just using them which is mean).
"There will be people who would say "combine the 2 types into 1, and that's it; problem solved" please don't; I would appreciate help from those who actually were in the same position, who actually understand the problem. "
No, you don't understand OP, the whole point of marriage IS to "combine the 2 types into 1." If that is so impossible in your situation, then the only ethical and practical thing is to divorce your wife and set her free. That is by far better - both ethically, and in terms of damage caused to everyone - than carrying on as you have been.
If you don't 'combine the 2 into 1', then the relationship should not be a marriage because it does not fit the definition of a marriage. It would be extremely unfair and hurtful TO YOUR WIFE.
It's good that you're still wanting to stay with your wife but if so you really need to stop having sex with other women, and be monogamous to her because that is what marriage should be. if you have sex with other people and/or never have sex with her it's not a real marriage and you're actually robbing your wife of time and opportunity to be with a man who will give her what you won't.
there are boundaries in what makes a relationship a marriage. If you are not willing to stay within those boundaries, or if you cannot, then you should not continue to call this relationship a marriage and expect it to be treated as one in all other regards. You will not find anyone else willing to condone your new definition of marriage let alone participate in it so you will be doing a lot of damage to other people - your wife, and the women you have sex with. You will also be setting a bad example for your kids for when they grow up and get married themselves.
If you love your wife as much as you claim, then stop having sex with other women. If you can't, then it's more loving to set your wife free by divorcing her so she can find another man who will give her a normal marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank all 3 of you for clarifying the unknown for me. I am aware I am hurting people, and if my wife found out she would be devastated. Please don't think I'm a soulless robot; or that I'm unevolved and that I'm stuck in an ancient era, understand my perspective of things.
But I am more than willing to fix this; I am aware I have a problem, I just didn't what kind of a problem I am having; I know I should feel guilty but I wasn't. To fix a problem I needed to understand it, thanks to you I do, so all there's left is to fix it.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (1 November 2012):
 You asked for a response from men, so I'll give it a shot even though I really can't relate to your situation.
For what it's worth, I don't find anything 'dirty' in the idea of sex with my wife. Personally I think a fulfilling sex life is a component of a strong relationship and a healthy life generally -- things I very much wish for the person I love.
I have to think that your attitude reflects something in your upbringing. When I was very young I did indeed think that sex was 'dirty' -- that was fairly common for people who grew up when and where I did. But most of us moved on and developed a different perspective. The first two answers I saw suggested therapy, and that seems like a very good suggestion to me. I feel bad for you, and worse for your wife.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 November 2012):
 I agree that you need more than we can give you here. You need extended, focused therapeutic time and counseling, because the issue is much deeper than your wife and your sex addiction.
I actually don't think this is a madonna/whore complex, though it looks that way on the surface. I think you consider yourself to be dirty, and your very sexual interaction to be likewise dirty. You see the dirt in yourself, and your sexual urges as a virus.
The funny thing is what you said about your "addiction" to be loved. That's like saying that you're thirsty, but then drinking the sand instead of water. Your wife could satisfy a thirst for love and passion, yet you simply want to use women. It's not love you want. In fact, you believe you simply can't be loved, so you don't even try.
The other problem you have is your lack of empathy. You hurt every woman you use, and you devastate your wife who you claim to love. Your actions aren't guided by a compassion or caring for the women you're with in any capacity. Most people would be mindful of the fact that their actions could be destroying someone else. You're not.
You need help in real life. Your lifestyle is self-destructive, and even more destructive to everyone including contact with, especially your innocent child. If your child was a daughter, would you want a man using her the way you use other women? If your child was a boy, would you want him to experience the anguished emptiness your life has become?
If you can't do it for yourself, get help for your child's sake, so you can't damage them by your actions or the pain you cause to your wife...the mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you person12345 you shined a big light on my situation. Didn't really know anything about "madonna-whore complex." Read a little about it, sounds exactly what my situation is.
And to those interested I wasn't raised catholic, but was raised a socialist country.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 November 2012):
 You really need to seek help from a therapist. This is a madonna-whore complex taken to the extreme. You don't even seem to think these two women you use are human. You are using them both to get what you want and see no problem with it. I don't think there's any advice we can give here, it's likely a pretty serious long-term problem that needs a serious long-term solution (rather than a 200 word response).
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