A
female
age
41-50,
*yespy17
writes:I have invested my heart and fallen in love with my boyfriend of five months. He also says he loves me. But I am always anxious. He is a musician and left on tour two weeks ago. He wanted to stay together and he's been calling every day. Trouble is - he doesn't call at night after his shows or even answer a text at that point. It first happened last week and I told him that I worry and (yes I'm insecure) that he's drinking in random bars / clubs where he plays and has random women adoring him. He said he understood and promised to always at least text me at the end of the night. Fast forward to last night. He calls and I returned his call and got his voicemail. I left a message saying I found a really cheap airline tix to come visit him but need to book it by midnight. (2 days before when I mentioned coming for a visit he said wait a bit - why do you have to plan everything?) So last night - Not only does he not answer the vmail in six hours but then I send a text at 1:30am saying the airfare has gone up and if he doesn't want me to come to just tell me so I can move on. He calls me at noon today. No mention of the visit and just Leaves a vmail apologizing for getting busy with the show and not calling.I have not called him back in 10 hours and I think I need to make him sweat it out now. I hate to play games - but he is not being considerate of me, right? I mean it takes 2 seconds to send a text. It also seems like he's not as eagerfor a visit as I am, right? So maybe I should just back off? I've already expressed how I feel. What should I do? He calls me at noon today apologizing for being "busy" at the show and not calling back. He doesn't mention the airline ticket.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (16 September 2011):
Eyespy17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuess what?
He was cheating. He started an online relationship with a woman 2 weeks after he left on tour and a week before I flew out to see him.
I found evidence of it on his computer when he got back to our town.
I broke up with him.
Thank you.
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Eyespy17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again for all those who helped.
Things are much better now that the nightly shows are over for a bit. He still calls every day (I told him he didn't have to and that I realize I was being needy). Now the conversations are much longer and relaxed and he'll call back at night too. I realize just how stressed he was.
He asked me to come visit too so we are planning that.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 May 2011):
 I don't see cheating either.
I see a man who is busy with work and focused on work
I see a woman who is insecure and nervous about this.
Personally I'd let him have some space... when will he be home?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 May 2011):
Babyface? Cheating, seriously? I don't see any signs that he's cheating at all. Quite the opposite.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (27 May 2011):
Eyespy17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Agnony aunts!! This is why I write here. For the brutal and honest outside opinion. Yes, I clearly know I'm insecure but you made me realize just how well I am not hiding it and more importantly how it is taking a toll on me. I'm not sleeping and eating and I'm constantly looking for something wrong - something to nail him with as evidence. What's strange to me is that I did not feel this way with my boyfriend of 3 years before. (and yes he was an accountant LOL). But HE was the crazy jealous one and that eventually broke us up. Since then Ive been hurt by lying men and I think it's gotten to me. Last guy I was seeing for 3 months had a girlfriend the entire time and she contacted me when she got suspicious of his behavior. She was monitoring his FB and eventually confronted me. I immediately apologized and felt awful for my role in not playing detective and figuring out whether he was really single as he said he was. So I guess this has made me even more paranoid. But yes I will try to chill and seek counseling. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, baby face  +, writes (27 May 2011):
Seems as though your boyfriend is cheating on u,men will give u so many words to make u believe ther love u but none is true
If I were you I'd move on. Too many fish in the sea
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 May 2011):
To be honest, you're not being fair to him. You're being controlling because you're so completely focused on getting your insecurity and paranoia soothed that you are ignoring his right to have personal boundaries and trying to get him to do more and more of what you want, because you are consumed with fear and anxiety so you have a never ending need to have that anxiety reduced and the only way you know how, is to have him "do things" that you feel would prove his loyalty. But the problem is that your list of things he must do in order for you to feel secure, keeps increasing.
Even though he is faithfully calling you every day because you've told him how insecure you are, still you're demanding that he do more. When he's not, now you're playing games with him on purpose trying to punish him. this is being controlling and manipulative, so you should stop doing this.
You need to work on your insecurity issues, because this relationship is one-sided, centered on your neediness and him having to placate you. He's giving and giving, and yet you're demanding more and more. this isn't fair to him.
No you should not be expected to live in constant paranoia and anxiety. But the solution is not for him to take care of your feelings, it's for you to take responsibility for taking care of your own feelings and learn about healthy personal boundaries in intimate relationships.
You need to learn to reduce your insecurity and not make it his job to soothe your excessive fears for you. Not only is it making you a nervous wreck (which doesn't feel good, obviously) but if left unchecked it will eventually make him a nervous wreck too (or at least feeling smothered and resentful and angry at you that nothing he does is good enough for you).
Here's a link that might give you more information on beginning to gain control of your insecurity issues
http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcoming-insecurity-in-relationships/
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A
female
reader, MoniqueEE +, writes (27 May 2011):
You really need to take a step back and look a the bigger picture. None of this is a big deal, and the most you are going to do is show him that the relationship is too much work.Please stop analysing every little detail, I would also suggest that you use this time he is away to look at yourself and figure out why you are insecure. It's not a trait either men or women want in their partners.He is being considerate in trying to reassure you that he loves you and wants to stay together. How are you doing the same?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 May 2011):
I'm afraid this is very much about your own insecurity here - that seems to be the very big issue. Even if this guy wasn't interested, your own insecurity is the bigger issue.
You two have been together for 5 months. That's not a long time, really, and you're already acting in a very needy manner. He went away and said he wanted to stay together, and immediately you became worried about him drinking in the bars and clubs where he worked - well he's allowed to do that. You can't expect him to do his job then sit in his hotel room.
He did start calling every day to talk to you - but in your eyes that wasn't enough and you needed him to be calling at night (when he's probably working). So the guy starts calling and texting at night.
Fast forward, as you say, and you're now thinking of seeing him. You leave him a message, after you missed his call, but are then mad that he hasn't responded within 6 hours during the middle of the night. You have a meltdown and send him a text saying 'if you don't want me to come, tell me do I can move on' - major, major insecurity over literally nothing! If I was your boyfriend, that would have been the final straw.
But, your loyal boyfriend has STILL stuck it out! He even called you and now you're playing games and are making him sweat it out! Why are you hurting him? I don't get it, at all! In 2 weeks you have practically had a breakdown and have been on this poor guy's back left, right and centre. He's really put up with a lot of your insecurity, and is still putting up with it. He's discussed your fears about drinking in bars, he's put himself out by calling and texting at night - even though he's busy at work and was calling every day during the day. Even when you snapped and mentioned moving on, he still didn't just dump you - he still called, and what happened? You decided to ignore him and play games.
There is nothing, literally nothing that this guy can now do. Because of your insecurity, you are purposely going out of your way to find faults in everything he is doing, and at this rate, he'll run a mile. He's gone out of his way to try and keep this relationship going, and at ever step he's been men with hostility from you. And he's only been gone two weeks! He's been more than considerate of you. He's the one who's gone out of his way. You're the one who has done nothing to overcome this insecurity. I'm in an LDR but neither I or my girlfriend have ever been this insecure and suddenly expected calls during the day and at night, instant responses to texts and we've never played games. The result of that is we trust each other, and have been together for 2 years and are still going strong.
I'm sorry, but I'm not sure at this time whether you should be in a relationship. I just don't think you're coping with your own insecurity, and this is the problem. He's gone out of his way, he really has. I even wonder if the reason he's not mentioned the ticket is because he's being put off by your own insecurity. He's been clear - he wants you in his life. He even apologized for bein busy, and you're still playing games and suggest that he's basically lying to you.
If you want hi in your life, you need to now make some changes of your own. No more games, no more neediness. I'd even suggest calling him, speaking to him and just saying that you're sorry you've been a bit needy. Then, see a counsellor or something and really work on why you're this insecure.
This guy has done all he can - you're the one who's not making changes here. You're expecting more and more and finding faults in everything this poor guy is doing and saying. This is your problem, and unless you deal with it, this great guy is going to dump you and find someone who can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): "I told him that I worry and (yes I'm insecure) that he's drinking in random bars / clubs where he plays and has random women adoring him. "well so what if he is? He's a grown man, he has a right to do this if he wants to, as there's nothing wrong with doing this. Drinking in random bars where he plays as a musician and having random women "adoring" him, well, that comes with the territory of his job. It doesn't mean he will cheat on you. You have to trust him. If you can't, even though you have no proof that he's ever cheated on you, then you shouldn't be with him. You should find someone with a boring job like an accountant or something (no offence to any accountants reading this).As for the airline tickets. hey he DID dutifully return your call, so why you still so mad at him, just cos he didn't say anything about wanting you to fly out to see him? maybe he assumed that it wouild upset you less to not say anything at all, than to say something you don't want to hear?you might want chill out and relax more and give him a break. Seems he's putting a lot of effort for you by promising to call/text every single day, and actually doing so dutifully, and yet you're still anxious and upset no he's not inconsiderate just for not mentioning the airline tix because he had already told you indirectly 2 days earlier when you first mentioned it that he wasn't keen on you flying out. you were being pushyso in a nutshell - yes I think you're more into him than he is into you. actually I wouldn't say that you're "into" him rather that you're insecure and thus trying to stay as involved in his daily life as you can to keep tabs on him, that's not the same thing as being "into" him...because it's due to your insecurity... he's dutifully doing what you want him to so show him more respect and don't demand more from him than he's willing to give freely. Scale back your own emotional investment to match his.
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