A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Let me just start by saying how horrible at the dating game I am. I'm a high school senior girl, and I have yet to have a single official relationship or even kiss a boy. I've had plenty of guys like me over the years, and the farthest I've gone is a few dates, and then I realize the flaw in the relationship (somehow I always end up liking the jerks or druggies best) and break it off. The thing is, I tend to be very wary of who I go out with, and I guess you could say my standards are extremely high. That's why it's such a huge deal that I think I'm in love with my currently platonic best friend.This is where it gets complicated. This past year I befriended a boy two years younger (a sophomore) than I am. He's seriously the greatest human I've ever known. He's extremely intelligent, hardworking, athletic, compassionate, friendly, kind, understanding, a great listener, and it doesn't hurt that he's also quite handsome. He's passionate about all areas of life: learning, friends, God, sports. There's not a single way I could think to improve him. Other people our age may think he's nerdy or maybe a little un-cool, but I know him well enough to see the great person he truly is.He's seriously the closest guy friend I've ever had. In fact, except to my current best friend, he's the best friend I've had too. We hang out all the time, have conversations about such deep things, and really care for each other. People used to joke that we were secretly dating, but we got annoyed with that and told people to stop spreading rumors, and I agreed with that at the time because I didn't like him. Yet.I started having feelings for him a few months ago. The thing is, he's liked this girl in his grade for literally 2 years. He's very secretive, so it was hard to get him to tell me about her, but apparently, he likes her because she's "nice to everybody." Honestly, all she is is nice. Not smart, not funny, not passionate or even quirky, just nice. And isn't that a little boring? I don't know, I think he would want someone a little more interesting and intellectually stimulating in his life (ahem, me!). It's been a little frustrating to see him fawn over this girl who's so... average.Anyway, after about a month of liking him, I decided it wouldn't work since I was a senior, going off to college next year, and besides, he liked this other girl.As a friend, he's so kind to me. He always puts my feelings first and wants to make sure I'm happy. He tells me he loves spending time with me. It makes it hard not to like him, and I was having trouble keeping it up until he started flirting a LOT. In the past few weeks, he's been teasing me constantly, playing with my hair, and even giving me different kinds of massages without me even asking for them. The girl he has liked forever hasn't been brought up in conversation in over a month. As a result, I've let the feelings all came back, 10x stronger than before. I love everything about him. He's a great friend, the best listener I've ever had, intellectually stimulating, and strong-moraled. I fantasize about him nearly non-stop, thinking of what a great couple we would make, how good he would be to and for me.The dilemma is that I still don't know if he likes me back. I know he flirts with me all the time, but he's liked this girl for two years, and if he really likes her more than me and I'm just someone he flirts with for fun, than I would want him to pick her, that is, if she could make him happier than I could. But if all this flirting does mean something, if he does like me back and realize how great we'd be together, should I pursue it? I mean, I'm going to college in just 6 months. I'm going to have a whole new life, and he's going to still be here, a junior in high school, practically a baby in my mind. Should I open up to him? Or should I just appreciate the friendship we have and not ruin it by making things more complicated? What should I do?
View related questions:
best friend, flirt, teasing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Good grief just ask the guy out n see if a relationship is possible for u two.
A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 The first thing I want to say is don't put down the girl he likes. I know you might not see anything special about her, but he does, and she's a human being just like you who deserves respect. Especially because she's such a nice person. The second thing I want to say, is tell him how you feel. Life is too short. We find a million reasons why we shouldn't do this, or shouldn't do that, but why shouldn't we? If you really care for him, you could be missing an opportunity that wont come knocking often by not telling him how you feel. I know you enjoy and value your friendship with him, and I understand the hesitance you have to put any of that in jeopardy. The thing is, by having the feelings you have, your friendship has already changed.If you tell him and he doesn't feel the same way, things may be awkward for a while. The friendship may end. Those are the risks. If he does feel the same way, you may begin an incredibly rewarding and loving relationship. You may find that he's the love of your life. Or, you might date for a while, then break up. There are several possible outcomes that I'm sure I don't need to point out for you. My point is, anything could happen. Good or bad. You're not doing yourself any favors by keeping the feelings to yourself. It's not like he's married, or in a relationship with someone else. If things get awkward or the friendship ends, you're going to college in the fall anyway. I know it's hard to tell someone you want to be with them when you're not sure they feel the same way, but I can't find any reason for you not to. You have an out no matter what. If your friendship is strong, you can bounce back from this if he doesn't feel the same way. It doesn't have to mean the end of it for you two as friends. If he likes you, and you decide to date each other, it'll be hard while you're away, but definitely not impossible. Go for it !
...............................
A
male
reader, xgod +, writes (9 March 2012):
 The choice is yours.However, if he spends all his time with you as a friend, how much time does he spend with the girl he has liked for over 2 years?He may be fantasizing about HER but really want YOU. SHE could be his excuse to make you jealous to see how you react. Sure, it has been two years, but we men can play stupid games like that just to test those we are truly interested in.Since he has begun FLIRTING with you, start flirting back. hold his hand, hug him for a minimum of 10 full seconds. (count it out: one... one thousand... two... two thousand... and so on)If the hug involves him moving his hands around your back, he is ready for the next step. Believe me, if he is in love with you or likes you a lot, and wants to be with you - pulling back face to face while hugging will result in staring into one-another's eyes and most likely kissing. The key to the most lasting and greatest relationships is knowing one another. If you know and understand each other, moving to the next level is much easier and more likely to last than either of you dating someone you hardly know.So, go for it -- hug him when you are both alone and in a comfortable place. If his hands go exploring, then he wants to feel more of you. Hold him longer than he is used to and see if he likes it. When I was in high school, I had the hots (and still do have the hots) for several girls (young women) who were a year or two ahead of me in school. They seemed more mature and feminine than the girly girls who focused only on their girly girl-friends and makeup than anything else. If I had a strong friendship with one of them that had been as connected as you describe here, I would have been all over her as soon as she gave me the go ahead. That go ahead is best represented by hugging for a long time, to the point where it is HOLDING ONE ANOTHER more than hugging.Intimacy is where it's all at and if you turn the friendship into a sexual relationship, do so with the understanding that you care about each other deeply and know each other very well. You have formed a TRUST and you should embrace that trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, Risingstar624 +, writes (9 March 2012):
Wow, what a story. Well I have been in your situation once or twice in my life and my conclusion has been tell him. Why not? Whats the worst that can happen? He will say he isn't interested in you. Yeah it might be a little awkward for a while but in the grand scheme of things would you rather regret what was said or rather have the what if? For me its too late, I missed my opportunity and learned at a later date he did in fact like me and I should have just gone for it. Thats what I would advise you.
As per the college thing. It is March. College wont start until August. That is a good six months away. Don't over think things! Who knows? You may date for a month and decide things don't work out. You may open yourself up to him and he may say he still is interested in another girl. Don't worry about things that don't apply as of yet. That is something to talk about during June or July when you are getting ready to leave. If you think about him as much as you say you do then I say open yourself up to the world and let it surprise you. Yeah you may get hurt, it is a risk you take everyday just stepping out the door, but is the reward worth the risk? That is my question to you.
I would love to hear how this story ends whichever way you choose!
...............................
|
