A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:Hello everyone again.I met this guy at Uni- we were waiting for a teacher to show up, spoke for a few minutes and he asked me if he could add me on FB. He did and contacted me quite often- I found him easy to talk to and quite unusual {not in a bad way, just peculiar} and so we went on talking like that since the beginning of June. We met a few times in real life too- I always kept it really friendly and did not flirt {at least not that I am aware of.} I thought of him as a budding friend so much that I even complained to him about a couple dates with guys which went wrong. The issue is that over the past month, he's been sending me clear signals that he's interested in us being more than friends. At first I did not notice them {he came to my graduation, called me every day while he was on holiday}, but then it got to a point where it was unmistakable {he said things like how he wanted me to be jealous of his ex-crush or how he doesn't really want to hear about my exes even if it interests him etc.} I started feeling uneasy about this, since I don't feel that way toward him, and last week I said several times that he was a dear friend to me- I underlined it so that he noticed how often I was saying it. He was in a bad mood for a couple days afterwards, but he seemed to have gotten over it- until on Thursday, while we were hanging out, he asked me who I was seeing the day after {I had mentioned I was busy}. I wouldn't have brought it up not to hurt him had he not specifically asked, but since he did, I felt it was better to tell him the truth, that I was seeing a guy. 'So you're seeing other guys too!' was his response- to which I said that I was free to do so, not being in any relationship, and that anyway it was only the first time I was seeing him, so it was nothing serious {least for now}. We went on to talk again about my views on friendship and love and whether friends can become potential partners down the line and how did I know it was not serious for this guy I was going to see? And other topics like those. I underlined again that to me he was a friend during the convo. I haven't heard from him since {his computer is broken, but he uses his cellphone all the time} and I'm starting to feel guilty. I've sort of gotten used to hearing from him nearly daily and it feels weird not to talk to him now- I have no idea how he is either and if I caused him pain, which I did not mean to. I feel guilty, I wish I could reciprocate his feelings but I only see him as a friend as of now and I thought it'd have been right to tell him that before he confessed and got even deeper into this. I never meant to hurt him and I want to know how he is, I miss him, but I feel as though I can't reach out now because if I do, would that be worse for him? I wish there was a way to preserve our friendship and not have it all fall apart, which is what I'm afraid will happen. I hate losing people.
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female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (4 September 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOf course, Cerberus, I've read enough of your replies to grasp that you are a confident person who can stand rejection- so am I, I'd prefer to be told from the start if someone is not interested too. Point is, my friend is very different from you or me- he's gone on several times about how this girl, that girl or that other girl rejected him and how he doesn't even know if whatever he learnt from those experiences is worth the pain and how his romantic life is more of a romantic death...so yes, for the first couple of months I did not even notice he wanted more than friendship, then when I did I hoped I was wrong at first and then went about telling him we were just friends in the most delicate manner I could think of. It seems that, as delicate as I have been, he grasped it well all the same, as I keep not hearing from him at all.
He does seem to think that it is a negative reflection on him that all these girls he fancied never reciprocated- which broke my heart, because he truly is a good guy and caring and all. I did not want to be added to the list of 'those who turned him down', I wish I could have just stayed friends with him and maybe help him build up his confidence around women or something- instead, I feel like I've probably helped bringing him further down and that truly was never my aim.
Of course, it's easier to just let the guy think whatever he wants and let him believe what he wants and never telling him 'we're just friends, sorry'- being liked by somebody is always flattering. I could have gone on for quite a while, had I avoided the subjected and tip-toed around it {and I could have done that, trust me}, but I felt too uneasy and uncomfortable, knowing he wanted something from me that I just could not give him. Hence the clarification.
He indeed is very insecure and probably not that good at playing the game of seduction- who knows, maybe if he had been more confident things between us could have gone differently. Regardless, it's the very fact that he's like this that makes me feel even worse about how he must be feeling now...He probably hates me. I wish he had wanted what I could have given him.
Thank you, again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): "but being so harsh to somebody who seems to have low confidence and be already down because of his previous romantic experience would make anybody feel like a really bad person."
Not me DS, I'd rather rip the plaster off than slowly pull it off hair by hair and feel every little mm of pain.
Harsh is letting a person still have hope, I'd feel worse for that because you're not sparing a person's feelings, if it's never going to happen they're going to get far more hurt thinking they did something wrong, spending all that time working on a person only to be refused over and over but never actually be told that they don't see you that way, is much more of a confidence killer.
Not only that but being allowed to think you did originally have a chance makes you feel like a failure, it makes you question yourself and whether you're just useless at romance.
DS not being interested in someone is fine, it's normal, it's not a negative reflection on a person. But thinking you did have a chance and blew it is much worse.
Finally, it may not be intentional but not making it clear to a person you're not interested, in my opinion, is the very definition of leading them on if you don't set them straight knowing full well they like you then that would make you culpable.
This is nothing at all personal and I mean no offence but girls who say they're trying to spare a guys feelings aren't actually doing it to spare the guys feelings only to make themselves feel less guilty, so in my opinion it's 100% a selfish thing to do. Those girls get to keep this guy chasing them which is an ego boost, they get to spare their own guilt by wrongly telling themselves that leading the guy on with hints and stuff is better.
In your case though this guy sounds like an utter wuss, all his sob story crap about being unlucky and rejected, awh poor guy. DS we all get rejected us guys especially it means nothing, it's not even a big deal unless like this guy you spend months "befriending" a girl only to find out after months of work that she's not into you. He's a bit of an idiot really, too sensitive, too much of a pussy and frankly I think you dodged a bullet, he may be sound but he sounds crap at this kind of thing and very insecure.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (3 September 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Cerberus, thanks for your always articulated and thought provoking replies.
I know now we were probably never really friends- because you can't be friends with someone you are attracted to, you just lay low and hope someday they'll reciprocate you. {I know firsthand this.} But, this being said, I...considered us friends for a couple months, before I noticed anything else, which is why it's a bit of a weird situation for me now.
No offence taken. I see where you're coming from, but he had already told me how unlucky he had been romantic wise and how he had been rejected and I hoped I could have spared him, if not the pain, at least the humiliation of confessing me his feelings only to be rejected once more. That was why I made it clear that we were friends before he said anything out loud to me about his feelings- because I thought it'd have been less awkward for him and possibly result in being able to salvage our interaction. It may be insulting for virility, I guess, that we try to take the 'softer' route of hints rather than saying 'There can be nothing of that kind between us' out loud, but being so harsh to somebody who seems to have low confidence and be already down because of his previous romantic experience would make anybody feel like a really bad person.
Unfortunately, I know all too well what it's like to play a movie in your head about how they like you when infact they don't. Anyway, I guess he must have got it, since, as you put it, he's been giving me the silence treatment for five days now...I fear you're right about how it's unlikely we will stay/become friends. Again, thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): Hi diamondshards, I just want to pitch in with a couple of things.
First off even if the title was put there by a mod you do need to understand he was never really your friend as he had a very real and present hidden agenda which was to romance you but he's obviously quite shit at it or didn't have the balls to do it properly.
"not in a bad way, just peculiar" Remember that peculiar feeling DS it will serve you well. That was your gut telling you this guy was far too interested and contacting you a hell of a lot really soon.
The one thing you're at fault for here, and no offence, is being a pussy about it and not just asking him straight out what his intentions were and whether he liked you once he made it obvious.
DS there is no such thing as a hint (no matter how obvious you think they are) to a guy who likes you in that way, you can say 'friendship' a million times they'll always cling on to that hope until they have something concrete to work with.
Do yourself, this guy and all other guys in the future a favour; if you're not interested in them and you feel they're interested in you just straight out talk to them about it and tell them it's not going to happen that you're not interested in them in that way. No hints, no insinuations, no waiting just get it done before they have a chance to build stronger feelings. Some may be assholes about it at that time, they may feel a bit hurt but trust me as a man I can tell you we have nothing but respect for girls who are up front with us when they're not interested and get far more hurt, and bitter at women who we feel waste our time and/or lead us on all because they didn't have the balls or respect for us to be forthright.
It's kind of insulting that women think they need to protect our feelings and either lie to us or just not tell us straight, or take the softly hints approach. We're big boys, just say it.
DS of course he assumed too much and while you didn't so anything to directly encourage him, his lust will do all the assuming. You know what it's like to have feelings for someone, you analyze every little detail and find so many different non-existent signs to hold onto a hope that they like you too. Just being friendly and nice to him is enough of a sign of interest to keep him going.
At the end of the day though this guy is too immature to handle being friends with you. He wants you to be jealous of his exes and can't even discuss your exes? Wtf is that all about? And now he's pissed and giving you the silent treatment? After 3 fecking months of talking?
This guy is not a friend, he's only interested in one thing and that's his warped idea of romance. He's acting like a child and you have nothing to feel guilty about but you do need to nip this in the bud if he starts talking to you again. No more hypotheticals where you let him probe you about how you feel about friends getting together, he's only talking like that gauge his chances and by you saying it could happen you feed his hope again.
You need to have the talk with him and tell him where he stands, that's all there is too it. You really will be doing him and you a favour if you completely shut the door on any kind of romance in the future with him. If he pisses off then you haven't lost a friend because he was never interested in you as a friend, he was playing the losers game of seduction and being a pussy.
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A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (2 September 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Aidan: Thank you, I think you are right. I guess it is up to him now...Would it be awful of me to send him a text if I don't hear him in the next week or so, letting him know I'm there for him if he wishes to talk and leave it at that? I just don't want to come off as the one who doesn't care at all either, because that's not the case, nor do I wish to impose myself on him. I think a text may be a good 'hey, I'm still here, I do care' thing without being too intrusive. If he's done with me even friendship wise and I'm expected never to hear from him again, I'd rather know too.
@Fluffypuppies:
I think he assumed that we were dating in the very least, which...was not the case for me. I fear he has assumed a bit too much, I only wish it wasn't something I did that made him. I really meant no harm, I thought that hanging out with a friend you just made would not have caused all this. It's not like we did 'romantic' things either- seen each other a couple times at our Uni and then a couple of times at bookshops. I guess some things can't be helped.
Thank you for your time and replies.
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A
female
reader, Fluffypuppies  +, writes (2 September 2012):
He assumed you two were in a relationship...i think he assumed way too much to quickly...not good. He is now feeling you have dumped him...he is angry.
Seriously...he has some issues...steer clear.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (2 September 2012):
Don’t feel guilty, you’ve done the right thing. The fact that he’s finding that difficult to accept, or that he is deliberately not accepting it, isn’t your fault. As hard as it is, you need to take comfort in knowing that you have done right by this friend, and understand that, if this friendship will survive, he needs to reach out to you and not the other way around. Unfortunately, he might never do so if he decides that he can’t cope with friendship alone and if that’s the case you have to leave him be however tough that is on you. Of course you care about him, miss him and want to know that he’s okay. But it might well be the case that to be okay he needs to distance himself from you.
I wish you all the very best.
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