A
female
age
51-59,
*etrayedm
writes:I have been married 11 years - was a passionate afair which lead to us getting married. husband is 2 yrs younger. he is still good looking muscular, I was a bomb but am now very fat around 100 kgs but still considered attractive and charming. my husband had an affair with a woman i befriended - it strted just 2-3 months after we got to know her. she was our neighbour - mother of 1 daughter. i met her daily and she was always around - i suspected and caught them out within a few months. here's where it all starts - I forgave my husbnd as I really loved him, was still attracted and most of all have a lovely son who was 6yrs old. he promised to call it off, we moved out - she continued calling, following him to work etc , we moved out of town her phone calls followed found husband with another cell which he hid from me, continously found her sms, emails he told me she doesn't let go, threatens etc says he should leave me and marry her. he was confused. I tried changing myself whatever way he wanted - gave up a lucrative carrier to become a more attentive wife, got my weight down from 121 kgs to 100kgs. tried everything i could. it has been 2 yrs and now a month back he told me that when i found out about his affair even though he promised - he kept on the sleeping with her for a year more till we moved out of town. But she still calls, sends sms, abusing him mostly but he listens apologises to her, threatens and what not. I have had an abortion, a misscarriage in this duration been on anti depressants, picked up a school teachers job and tried to forget. she is contantly in my life, i feel he still talks to her if nothing else. it has been mor than 2 yrs - will this ever end. he promises me that it is long over and he wants the marriage and will never leave. Am I being weak, a walk over, should I just leave now? Maybe he will never change
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male
reader, thebeardedguy +, writes (27 September 2009):
I may be too young for suggesting you anything. I read through your questions carefully and all the answers so far.According to me, I think you should put 100% confidence in your husband, get your self so involved with him, like becoming his secretary at work, a good wife at home, a loving person in bed and a altogether caring person. I am sure m=you must be doing this and a lot more, when you say that you have lost 21 kg's of weight for him. But I think you should do a little more, let no room for anything else. Talk all the good things about your past I am sure you must be having enough because it all started with LOVE. Tell him, how were things between you and him initially, show him the photographs, ask your friends to come over to your place and make them tell that "you and your husband were like love birds initially, you have set an example by not just loving each other but maintaining it and so and so forth". Just make your husband feel each and everything he did in past with you. Just make him realize how much you love him? how important is he in your life?I read a story sometime back, let me share this with you.-----When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to say it. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She shouted at me, " you are not a man!" That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl called Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, 30% shares of my company and the car. She glanced at it and then tore it to pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me, her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell fast asleep because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did'nt care so I turned over and was asleep again.In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month, we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she has, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me, .. she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come close and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realized that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until one of us departs this world. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The sales girl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote: I ll carry you out every morning until we are old.The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, the property, the bank balance that matters. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build a relationship.-----I love this story a lot and this is what gives me strength at a lot of times in my life.I am sure you must now be aware and have an idea of what I am telling you to do.Please avoid all the negative thoughts that comes to your mind. As you have already given in 11 years in this marriage give in some more time. I am sure your efforts will be paid.Another important thing I would tell you is, I feel so much respect for womens like you, who are so dedicated, so loving, so good, full of patience.Best of luck! Do update this thread with your feedback!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): I read and re-read your post and to me it looks like all you have done is blamed this women and yourself. Your husband must be leading this woman on for her to be acting all crazy, he must be promising her things he’s not keeping. He is not confused, he knows exactly what he is doing .He is still talking to her, if nothing else. If he wanted your marriage to work then he would not contact her and will insure that all contact is severed. So far from what I have read, he is leading her and you around on a string. He will carry on the way he is as long as you can put up with his behaviour.It’s time you ask him what he is going to do to make this marriage work because you have had enough of his dishonesty. Don’t sit back and think he will never change. A marriage after an affair can only work if both partners want it to work. It’s a waste of energy and time if you have to keep checking and wondering if he is still contacting her. He has to commit to fixing your relationship as well as you. It’s not an easy road but it can be done.
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A
female
reader, lola29  +, writes (26 September 2009):
ugh he wont change, he's attached to this other woman because she would fulfill his needs sexually ,whenever he wanted her. but i dont see him loving her. But there are differnt kinds of love. there must be a reason she is still following him still.. its either she's mental and obsessive or she's been hearing some sweet talk from your hubby. you can't go on like this, and i know divorce and having a child is just too much to go through but maybe a separation is needed and some consultation with either a trusting family member or friends to help you sort this out.. you have to stop thinking about what he wants and what he might do. think about what YOU want and NEED to do to make your life wonderful and for your child. your son does not need to be exposed to this. it is just plain bad energy.
i hope you think about what to do and how to go about it.
cheers and good luck
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