A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:He and I are both married and were friends. I have a strong suspicion that his wife has told him not to see me anymore and has essentially cut him out of my life. She thinks I am a big threat and does not like the fact that he is attracted to me. I miss him terribly and did not want our friendship to end. But he has not contacted me at all since I last saw him a month ago.What do I do? Do I just let him go? He seemed to really care about me but it looks like he has just let me go. Was I that wrong about his feelings? If he really cared, wouldn't he be contacting me regardless of his wife? I guess his wife wins in the end? Do I contact him or do I leave it alone? I really loved him and miss him as a friend. I guess deep down I'd hoped for more. He just disappeared without a word. I can't believe he would be so cold. I thought that he would at least give me an explanation. I am just so hurt and feel miserable. Any advice to help me cope with this? I know I am not going to get much sympathy here but I am hoping you could tell me what I probably already know.I know I am not on moral high ground but I am in so much pain and am deeply depressed with a broken heart. I wish we could have met before we met our spouses.Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Maybe he cares for you. He knows what will make you happy. He doesn't want to ruin your life, so he left you. Yes, it doesn't feel good, but eventually, things will turn out great. Leave him alone. That would save at least your friendship- i'm experiencing this now. And really, it hurts a lot. Been crying lately. But i know everything will be ok, and i can find someone for me. I will always love him-maybe that's enough.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): well I don't really think much of a man who *only* ends friendships because his wife insisted on it. it means that if it were left up to him or if she didn't find out, he'd be happy to continue with his other relationship indefinitely. I wouldn't want to be his wife, having to throw a tantrum to get her husband to stay within the bounds of their marriage. A person should stay within their marriage because they want to and are doing it of their own accord, not because their spouse is getting mad and throwing a fit, that's sad because it means she will always have to monitor him and throw fits.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Since you have already been told the truth which I know deep down inside YOU KNEW... I will asnwer your questions directly:
"What do I do?"
you focus on your marriage and your family and you slowly will let him go. He's not yours to have.
"Do I just let him go?"
Yes you just "let" him go. He's already gone. YOU were not given a choice in the matter.
"Was I that wrong about his feelings"
Maybe. maybe not. It's POSSIBLE that he did care for you as much as you care for him BUT it does NOT MATTER. He made a choice. His choice was HIS WIFE. How would you feel if YOU were his wife and another woman made HIM choose her or me and he chose HER over YOU? Accept that your taste in men was admirable and you have feelings for a man who is honorable because when PUSH came to SHOVE he did the right thing and stood by his wife and his marriage.
"If he really cared, wouldn't he be contacting me regardless of his wife?"
NO because sometimes we have to do things we don’t' want to do. In this case even if he WANTS to talk to you he won't because he's being a GROWN UP and doing what he knows he has to do. As grownups we often do things we don't want to do like pay bills instead of buy clothes or end friendships because they are NOT safe or healthy.
"I guess his wife wins in the end?"
Was it a contest???
"Do I contact him or do I leave it alone?"
LEAVE IT ALONE. Work on strengthening your marriage and getting your life in order.
What would you do if the roles were reversed and your husband said "no more friendship with this man he's got a crush on you and he's detrimental to our marriage" would you respect your spouse's wishes? Well he's doing that. Your answer and explanation as if he was speaking to you "I'm sorry insert your name here but while we are FRIENDS, my wife is my life, my love and my partner and I have to respect her needs wants desires and wishes and while I value your FRIENDSHIP I have no wish to end my marriage or hurt my wife, therefore I am ending our contact before it goes beyond what I see as acceptable"
The pain will subside. The thinking about him will subside. The constant fantasy that he'll burst through the door and say “I've left my wife for you" will go away.
It will take time. One day you will wake up and get to the shower and not think about him til the shower and realize "Hey I didn't think about him till shower" vs. him being the first thing you think of...
a week or so later you won't think about him till breakfast.
Then one day it will be lunch
and finally weeks and weeks down the road (yes it takes a long long time and yes I've been where you are) you will get into bed and think of him and then realize YOU WENT an ENTIRE DAY not thinking of him! Woo-hoo
THE BEST thing to do now is to keep busy. do you have pets... if not can you get one... adopt a puppy they take a lot of attention and time and need lots of love.... (you asked for advice on how to get past this right?)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Well, of course his wife does not like the fact that he is attracted to you- particularly because, as you say, deep down you hoped for more. I guess it wasn't so deep down after all, it was surfacing enough that the wife could notice it and let him know that in a marriage there's no place for this kind of emotionally and sexually charged "friendships", it's an hypocritical playing with fire. Obviously he sees that too. Maybe, if he had fallen crazily in love or had been consumed by passion, he would have jeopardized his family and marriage for you , but he has been sensible and he has decided
that an emotional affair-maybe-leading-to- full- blown affair was not worth losing what he's got already.
All rather normal, I'd say. Surely disappointing for you- but hardly surprising .
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A
male
reader, DDOC  +, writes (13 October 2011):
Dear anonymous,
Deep down inside you know the answer. You said it " I am not on moral high ground". You wanted more out of this friendship and this guy, and this guy's wife saw this. A decision had to be made and it was made in favor of fidelity and loyalty and this thing called marriage.
In the end you all win. You get to continue as a person who did not ruin another person's marriage. Ruining another person's marriage never looks good on a personal CV. So it is an opportunity to start anew...
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 October 2011):
 He does not owe you anything. He owes his loyalties to his spouse, not you. He is committed to someone else.
What you described is not a mere friendship, but a temptation and his wife had every right to demand it stop. She has those privlidges as his wife! Of course she "wins", because she was the one he chose first.
The feelings you are going thru are part of the consequences of toying with an affair.
Since you are married, you have obligations towards your husband as well. He has rights towards you, because you committed your life, affections and love to him.
I know this comes across as harsh but I would be telling my own best friend this. Time to fall in love with YOU again and get your life in a direction that does not break up someone elses marriage. Address your depression with your Doctor and some counseling.
If you are really unhappy in your own marriage then try to see what can be done to repair and rejuvenate it. Seeking out validation, attention and affection from someone elses spouse will only bring you unhappiness in the end, complications, loss and a damaged integrity.
Now, go make some healthy choices and that sorrow will start to fade.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (13 October 2011):
"If he really cared, wouldn't he be contacting me regardless of his wife? I guess his wife wins in the end? "
Well I guess this means that while he may care for you to some extent, in the end he cares more about not rocking the boat with his wife. Maybe he's decided that he's headed down a destructive path if he gets into an affair and has made a decision to re-commit to his marriage. Or maybe he's simply not wanting to upset his wife so that she won't make his life miserable. Who knows. The fact is, he's got a lot to lose by continuing the friendship with you so he's decided to stop it for his own sake. You should let go of him, whether or not you re-commit to your own marriage.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 October 2011):
 "I guess his wife wins in the end?"
"I really loved him and miss him as a friend. I guess deep down I'd hoped for more."
"She thinks I am a big threat and does not like the fact that he is attracted to me."
If you can't see why she didn't want him hanging out with you anymore, then both of them were definitely right. You seem surprised that he'd choose his wife over you (someone he pledged to spend his life with already), he was started to be attracted to you, and you definitely wanted a relationship with him. This sounds like it was the start of an affair and you're confused as to why his wife wanted him to stop seeing you? I think you need to move on and find a single guy.
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