A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my current boyfriend just under a year. He's had a pretty unfortunate life up till this point and I suppose you could say suffered a lot of abuse from a young age (though I don't know any details as I avoid asking him about it).Anyway, I noticed he is a pretty aggressive man, never towards me, I mean we argue and he can say nasty things but then when I complain he tells me that it was hardly an argument by the standards he's used to with previous girlfriends. He is more aggressive in terms of if people look at him when he is walking he will shout abuse at them and ask them why they are paying attention (it's much worse if a man is watching me because he is so protective).He also makes threats about beating people up and if he has had a bad day says he hopes someone annoys him so he can take it out on them. He also claims that he is smarter than most other people and is always right with no exception, so if I question his judgement more than once he begins to lecture me and tell me I should defend him and not other people.It may be because he has no money, no job, needs an operation, etc. etc. but I feel like he has no coping abilities and I wish I could help him as I'm aware his violent streaks will make it hard for him to get anywhere in life. Is anyone else going through this? How can I help calm him down and stop him fighting? I was going to recommend he go back to boxing to vent out issues in a safer way but until he has the operation that's unlikely.
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male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (23 January 2013):
Best thing to do is get him to go to the gym or martial arts classes and smash weights/punching bags to release energy as someone who has had anxiety and anger issues it does wonders as I also suffered abuse. I think he needs to consider psychological help as a longer term solution. You said he was broke and without a job, so that makes it sound like a self esteem issue too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): Ask him to take up long distance running. That can help calm people down and is free and doesn't require special equipment or gym membership.
Otherwise the only way you can help him is to get out of his way and not be around to add fuel to the fire. This probably means ending he relationship so you can stay at an arms length distance like a concerned neighbor. People with serious emotional issues do not benefit from intimate relationships instead the relationship becomes a breeding ground for their issues to fester and get worse. So help him by taking that away.
Only professional therapy can help him get better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 January 2013):
 As the other poster said, it does not make you terrible, it makes you terribly naive. One time could be one time too many.
And it makes you quite self involved. If he hits you, you are out of there at once. But, as long as he beats up, or even just threatens, scares , and verbally abuses, only other people... ah then everything is fine, he is your cuddly honey bear and the ideal boyfriend and the man of your dreams.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone, as far as comments about therapy go we are trying to find anger management counselling or something like this, he's doing this because I've conveyed that this one of my biggest issues with our relationship and he doesn't want to loose me, we just don't know how to go about it. Being in the UK I wasn't sure if this would be on the NHS or not.
I think one problem is he is my first real boyfriend and the first man I've loved, so it is hard to walk out of it. I must admit though, sometimes I think if he'd hit me just once I could have a good enough reason to walk out... that makes me so terrible doesn't it? :/
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Sweetie he sounds just like my husband.
RUN do not walk to the nearest exit unless he is willing to seek therapy and get some help. and even then it's a long road you are looking at.
At your age, you do not need this crap.
At your age, you will eventually tire of his behavior and end it. do it now rather than later.... because later may involve divorce and children... NOT a good thing.
BTW all your "reasons" for him being the way he is are just excuses you are using to justify his bad behavior.
many folks have bad upbringings are are not violent
many folks need surgery or don't have jobs and are not arrogant SOBs who think they are right and you are wrong...
I walk your shoes daily... it sucks.
RUN from this man.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 January 2013):
 This guy is totally out of control. You need to think about your safety here, because right now he is a danger to you. Abusive pasts are awful, but unfortunately for some men who are abused, they take that abuse and flip it around onto other people later in life. You should not feel like you have to put yourself in danger out of pity for his past.
Maybe someday he will get his past and anger under control, but until then you need to get away from him. This guy is setting off so many red flags: he can't hold a job (failure to recognize authority), he snaps at complete strangers for no reason (SEVERE anger issues), he threatens to beat people (abusive foreshadowing). This guy clearly needs help, and until then you should keep your distance.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (9 January 2013):
I also had a violent early life, so I can sympathize a bit. I am also very protective, but I never looked for trouble. If trouble found me, I wouldn't back down from it, but again I never sought it out. He seems to be, and trust me, if you knock on the devil's door long enough, sooner or later someone is going to answer.
Also, if he was that much "smarter" than everyone else, my guess is he wouldn't be unemployed and broke, so he needs a dose of reality.
The way I coped with my violent streak was to take up boxing. I found that releasing it in a controlled environment (in the ring) helped me find peace elsewhere. Seeing a good counselor could help some as well.
Either way, he needs to deal with it, because otherwise, at some point he's going to be looking for trouble, and the devil is going to answer.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 January 2013):
Could not you just stay away from him and find someone with less baggage,less problems and more social skills ? this is not a bf, this is a ticking bomb. It may be because of his traumatic past ( you don't even know much about that ) but, a) you are not a licensed therapist and you don't have the tools to deal effectively with his disturbed, and disturbing, behaviour b ) a bad childhood is not a free pass to turn into an ape or a thug- that's still a choice, not an authomatic, inescapable effect.
You overlook a lot of red flags because you like him, or love him, but you should like and love yourself more. To the point of taking seriously your physical and psychological safety. And, it does not really matter if " he would never lie a finger on you " ( you cannot know that for sure ) - even so , are you really OK with a bf that goes around shouting abuse at strangers, and so clearly itching for a fight that sooner or later he'll inevitable instigate one, and hurt somebody ? Just for blowing steam off ? Will you stand by his side, holding his jacket and throwing him admired glances, " oh my hero ", while he beats to a pulp some poor sap that happened to look at you one second too much ?
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