A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I really need some advice. my boyfriend of 8 years told me he doesn't know if he loves me any more and refuses to discuss it any further so I am in limbo and dont know what to do.We also have absoloutly no sex life even though I try to initiate sex all the time, and there isn't even affection I cant remember when I last had a hug I didn't have to ask for. He has been going to the gym a lot lately and is looking really good. I on the other hand have started a full time nursing course and have put on 7 kilo's making me 170cm and 76kg which my boyfriend finds a very off putting (im size 12-14). I feel like he maybe doesnt love me much any more because 1) im fat 2) Im a student so have nothing to offer him financially, and, 3)he has shaped up at the gym and thinks he is to good for the poor fat version of me.You may think I have self esteem issues but I dont. I just dont know what he is thinking and im tempted to just dump him.Its been 8 years and last year he said he wanted to get married but I asked him about it recently and he basically said there is no chance. im 27 he is 28.He thinks im depressed, bitchy and always mad at him but it couldnt be further from the truth, I am known for my fun positive personality.Ultimantly what i want to know is if you guys think he is just trying to push me away so I end it and he doesnt look like the bad guy so he can get someone thinner and richer?
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female
reader, xSarax  +, writes (18 July 2007):
 Hi,
Probably not to your extent but I also feel similar to you. I am still in a relationship - if you can call it that, with someone who I think doesn't want me, but can't let me go. I don't know whether it's because he feels he will miss me, or whether I am too convinient for him, and that he's in too much of a comfortable routine to let it end.
Things are not as they used to be, and I know you will probably take the usual opinion of a girl of seventeen not knowing what love is. But we were once in love. And we couldn't keep our hands off eachother, everything was great bla bla bla, and then suddenly out of nowhere we stopped kissing as much. Then we stopped sleeping together and like yourself I'd be lucky to get a hug out of him.
This sudden lack of affection made me panic, and I thought "what am I doing wrong?" I tried everything and anything to get what we had back. Then I started analysing myself thinking what is wrong with me that wasn't before.
Until I lost all my confidence. It turns out that the problem isn't you, It's him. He's the one with the issue.
Think about it. It's funny how as things with your relationship are getting rocky he's suddenly going the gym. who's he trying to impress?
The same happened to me, I felt like crap and he looked great.
I think you should do what I did and get yourself to the gym, you'll feel and look great and he will be left drooling. Don't initiate sex or hugs or kissing, get him to come to you, and make him work for you. Don't hand it to him on a plate because he will just get bored - there will be no chase for him.
You know what even flirt a bit, not to the extreme of cheating but show him what he's missing. He's the one with the problem not you. Just be yourself and enjoy yourself, don't be worrying over a man - whoever he is. Because if he cared that much for you he'd hate to see you like this, and then he's every right to feel guilty.
Have fun and show him what you're made of. And I hope it all works out for you x x x
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (18 July 2007):
 I would ask him directly. At this point you really don't have anything to lose.
And by the way, if he's only pushing you away because of your looks and/or your financial situation (which will improve once you graduate, after all) then HE's the loser, not you, and you're better off without him.
Be kind, confident and direct. Don't lose your temper or raise your voice.
Say something like: "I know you're not happy with our relationship, but I can't make any decisions in a vacuum. You need to talk to me. I love you and don't plan on breaking up with you; if that's what you want you'll have to do it yourself. You need to decide what you want for our future and let me know. I'll support your choice whatever it is, but you have to make a choice. We can't continue in limbo like this."
Then LISTEN to whatever he says next. Don't let him say "nothing" or shrug it off. Offer to make an "appointment" to talk, when you're both available. Offer to go to counseling. But make him talk to you.
If he does end up leaving you, take this as a good thing. Staying with someone who doesn't love you the same way you love him is a slow death. You deserve so much better. Either work to bring your relationship back to a place where you both can talk openly, or work to bring it to an end so that you can move on.
BTW, if you can work on your weight issue at all, do it FOR YOU and YOUR health, not for him. It will be better for you. (I say that as a size 14 myself, who's trying to find time to exercise too grin.)
Good luck, hon.
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