A
male
age
26-29,
*ason342
writes:well, im in a relationship for about a year with this girl and we both love each other a lot. While she is my first gf, im not her first bf, she had one before me who she really loved as well (i know this because a knew her back then) it was a long distance relationship, they didn't have sex but she gave him several blowjobs (she told me), and he licked her too i belive (didn't mention). Then they broke up because of the distance and she was very affected, after breaking up she had sex with a guy who she knew like 3 times, the guy just wanted to fuck. She then just never talked to the guy, she was very sad because of what she did and couldn't belive it ( as she told me) then a few months later she laid eyes on me and started flirting me, and now we are here. To everybody else we look like the perfect couple, the happiest one. But it isnt that way. The thought of her just giving head to her ex is eating my mind, like did she enjoyed more doing bj to her ex than me? Etc. then the thought of her losing her virginity to a guy who she didn't love is worse! Im going crazy. And we constantly fight about this, lately not so much because i hurt her feelings while doing it, so i just die in silence. I lost my virginity to her, she was the first i had intimacy with, our sex life is great, but i fear she would compare me to the other guy. she had that intimacy with two other guys! That is seriously eating my head. I read a lot in the internet, tried a lots of ways to deal with it, but to me there are only two more ways, and those are breaking up(not an option for me) or have that intimacy with another girl. I think that will solve the problem. If you have any tips, more than welcome or if you have or had a similar experience please share it with me!.
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blow-job, broke up, flirt, her ex, long distance, lost my virginity, sex life, sex with another, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 March 2017):
 The answer you are looking for is simple, you are not mature enough yet to be in a adult relationship. If you loved her you would not consider cheating on her or being with another women. If you loved her and felt secure then you would not question her past. It sounds to me like you are insecure and you are blaming her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017): It's difficult to deal with this kind of jealousy. I feel like it's a "grow upon move on" situation.
To say you feel cheating on her would make it equal is ridiculous. What if you had slept with someone in a past relationship and your current gf said cheating on you was the only way to equal things - suggesting that by having past experiences you had somehow cheated first. Do you see how crazy it is? Would you stay with someone who had that attitude?
Stop thinking about it. If she didn't like things with you, she'd still be with someone else. If you follow this train of thought you'll lose her anyway.
Either accept that this is life and the past is the past, or break up with her because she deserves better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2017): Oh my- what an incredibly selfish post this is. Have you actually said to her that you are contemplating cheating in order to feel better about your immaturity and lack of experience, and quite possibly retroactive jealousy? It's quite something that you wrote there are two options- splitting up or cheating, then say splitting up isn't an option... how self absorbed you are. Have you put yourself in her shoes and thought about how you'd react to that statement if it came from her? I can only imagine the upset you put this girl through with your carry on and how miserable you make the relationship with your comments and questions about her time before you even existed in her life- who the hell do you think you are carrying on like this? The post isn't written in a remorseful way, acknowledging how you are affecting her or the relationship or taking responsibility that this isn't ok but something's you are struggling with... instead you talk of selfishly staying with her and having sex with someone else. Get a bloody grip of yourself you are out of order. She should dump your selfish ass, you are unbelievable in your lack of regard for your girlfriend
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 Ha! Aren't you naive. You think cheating and having sex will help solve the problem? Maybe, but it will add like ten or twenty other problems, and it will surely mark the end of your relationship.
This is new to you. Sex is new. Feeling these big feelings is new. You're scared, unsure, don't know how to handle it. I had many crazy thoughts too after my first time of having sex, and I wasn't even in love with the guy! Yet I obsessed a bit about him, because sex DOES stir up a lot of unknown emotions. And you're just sorting through it, trying to make sense of it all. It's all new and confusing. To top it off, you're so young and inexperienced in life! You barely have the maturity to have sex, so it's not a surprise your thoughts are all over the place.
Mine would probably be the same as yours, back then when I was a teenager and raging with hormones and experiencing a relationship/sex for the first time.
It's a try and fail thing. You get the hang of it, eventually. Will this current relationship last? If you want it to, maybe. But you need to STOP SHAMING her for having had sex before she met you. Sheezes dude. You're ruining this womans self worth by going at it. What's there to argue about? It's a matter of fact. She had sex before you. There's nothing to add or take away from that, it just IS. So how you manage to ARGUE, as if there was something to change, is beyond me. It only results in you deeply damaging her self worth and feeling resentment towards you. So stop that immediately. There is no "poor you" here, to suffer in silence. You do not have a right to hurt her just because you feel confused yourself. Respect her. Try that instead.
Second, never cheat. That's a low and incredibly selfish act. Break up with her instead, if you are going to sleep with someone else. You don't love her if you are so selfish and desire to damage her and hurt her so deeply. So remember that. And think about what it actually means to love someone.
Third: you will grow and mature and get the hang of what these feelings mean, what these thoughts mean, and how to control them/not be affected by them. You will eventually just not think them at all, because these thoughts are merely a product of inexperience. With experience you will come to see that what you're so worried about is just as strange as worrying abut the sky turning from blue to green.
With experience you will come to accept others. You will come to learn how to respect them, and what it actually means to love someone. I love that my boyfriend has had other relationships before me. Wanna know why? Because that way I am certain he knows what he wants in a relationship, and that he wants me shows to him, I am the greatest woman in the world. Because people always "upgrade" their relationships. They learn, with each passing relationship, what they want in a relationship, in a partner, and they learn who they want to be in a relationship. Without all his exes and past experiences, he would not be the wonderful man he is today. Without these past women who hurt his heart, or who he didn't feel "it" with, he would not know to recognize me as the wonderful match I am to him. He might have walked straight past me, thinking I was not for him, had he not had those past experiences. They are what lead him to me, they are what makes him sure I am the one for him.
The same with my past experiences, they are what makes me look at him and think "this, right here, this is what I have been dreaming of".
You will get there too, eventually. You will figure out what a bliss it truly is, that people have gone through shitty relationships before meeting you, what a bliss it is that they have learned about themselves, what a bliss it is that they have developed good communication skills, what a bliss it is that they eventually have learned what they want in a relationship. So that they aren't unsure, flaky, disconnected, and selfish.
Allow yourself time to try and fail. You will learn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): Wow. So she had a life before you, but could in no way know that she'd meet you and it would hurt you. You think you, whilst being 'in love' with her should be able to cheat on her with another woman to make things equal. No. Break up with her. If YOU can't man up and love the girl YOU chose then YOU don't deserve her love. Your problem. Not hers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): Sounds like you're not mature enough for a relationship. You going to be intimate with someone else, while you have your gf, is cheating. Your gf has not cheated on you, she was intimate with people before you came along as a romantic interest. If you aren't mature enough to handle the fact that people will have partners previous to you then you need to end the relationship. Fighting with her over it won't change anything, she can't undo what she's done and neither should she feel guilty at all. You either accept her or you end the relationship. Saying you want to sleep with someone else just because she did BEFORE SHE GOT TOGETHER WITH YOU is just ridiculous. If you had a deep connection with your gf sleeping with another woman wouldn't cross your mind because you are in a relationship with her.As you get older, you have got to come to terms with this. If you don't you will ruin otherwise happy relationships. Your gf may split up with you one day (especially likely if you start going on about sleeping with someone else) and you will meet a new gf who probably slept with her ex partners too. You don't have a claim on someone's past or the right to expect a woman has saved herself especially for you before she even knew you. I hope you do see how unreasonable you're being and if you can't accept it that you end things and possibly look at some kind of relationship counselling for yourself because you deserve to enjoy your relationships and not destroy yourself with such unhealthy thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 You're not ready for a relationship. You're creating double standards; if you sleep with someone, you'll be in the same position she is, but you think that's okay and you wrongly think that it will fix it.
You just want to sleep with someone else. You want to cheat on her. You say breaking up isn't an option, but it's the only option. Cheating on her shouldn't even enter your mind. Break up or tell her, so she can dump you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 March 2017):
 I don't think you need to worry about breaking up with her because, keep going like this, making her feel guilty about something she cannot change, and she will be doing the breaking up if she has any sense of self-worth and preservation.
What right do you have to give her a hard time about something which happened before she met you? It's not like she cheated on you. She was a different person back then. She lost her virginity to a guy she didn't love because she was hurting from her breakup with her boyfriend and looking to stop that hurt any way she could. She knows now it wasn't a wise choice but it was the choice she made when she was in pain. Cut her some slack.
If you want to go out and have sex with other girls, then finish this relationship decently and go and have what you think you are missing. Don't use things she did before she met you as an excuse to cheat. And don't ask for "permission" to cheat, unless it is from your girlfriend.
You need to start seeing your girlfriend as your partner rather than your possession. She has a past. She cannot change that. Enjoy what you have together or you may wake up one day to find she has decided she does not need the fighting and has moved on to someone who accepts her as she is, not some perfect air-brushed version.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): If you loved her like you say you do you wouldn't want to be intimate with another girl. what you're doing is worse, She's with you and wants to do things with you but you're with her and want other people. If she didn't enjoy things with you then she wouldn't be doing them. It's not her fault she has done things with other people and you didn't. Accept it or move on.
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A
female
reader, This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal +, writes (16 March 2017):
 Umm yeah well no. Cheating or trying to open the relationship isn't going to fix things.Have you tried not thinking so much about the past? Or are you unable to control or manage your busy mind?Get cbt (google it) asap and see your doctor asap or prepare for a life of unwanted OCD type thoughts.
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