A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend my be married but I am not sure. We have been seeing each other since last fall and here is what I have observed:We see each other twice a month for a date night (always checked by schedules).We have lunch or drinks 2 or 3 times a week.We ALWAYS go to my house.He will not take me to where he lives (Says he lives with a bunch of guys and it is messy and no girls are allowed to stay over - house rule).I know that my calls are screened sometimes.I never get asked to meet his friends (I have only met business associates).I never see him on the weekends (even though I ask to).He seems to make plans at the last minute.His business trips are "on" and then suddenly "off".We have been out of town once together.Am I reading too much into this? Is it that he is genuinely too busy? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): Nothing you say means he's married. I've dated girls before and wanted to keep them at a distance because I had other things in my life, like hanging out with friends, etc. So maybe he just isn't serious yet, or not serious enough to drop everything else going on. If both of you aren't ready to get married, then let him have his space.
A
female
reader, jkobeska +, writes (5 February 2008):
First flag to watch out for...You never meet his friends! This is not normal. This means something very bad always.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): There are such things as marriage registers to which the public have access. Check there to see whether he is married or not.
If he is doing "Common Law" that won't work.
Best also heed what the others have written.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 February 2008):
 I would have to say, you wouldn't need a P.I. to figure this one out. And how long have you been putting up with this? How long did it take you to begin suspecting his being married (or living with a female)? If my home is messy (not like we're slobs), and we know we're having company. My kids and I set a plan on what to clean and how long we have to do it in. We welcome company, not make excuses why they can't visit.
I agree. You need to find out, and if he is, time to end it. No one should be played for someone else's pleasure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): Seriously, I would borrow a friends' car and follow him home from work one day. It is very strange that he never invites you to his house. It is even more strange that there is a "no girls allowed" rule. Oh, please - give me a break. That is ridiculous!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): Birdy, that smell of sex or perfume idea was really good. However, I just wanted to point out that I worked for a company about 27 years ago where business trips were made with just 1 to 7 days notice and often cancelled the day before I was supposed to leave. That was the only company that I worked for that was like that, but it does happen. The other 2 companies that I worked for very seldom cancelled the trips, but sometimes they were scheduled just a couple of days in advance. I always worked on emergency problems and trips like that were normal. It just depends on the job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): The biggest tip off for me was when you said that you never see him on the weekends. I mean I don't know if he is married or in a relationship, and he probably is, but I don't even think that's the point.
Cause I'll be honest with you, a year ago I met a guy who seemed interested yet always seemed busy or had an excuse for not hanging out with me. This all happened in the first week of meeting him. But right away a lightbulb went off in my head in the first week and I said "why is he so busy?" And I knew right away something was wrong about this and I never took another call from him.
I think the only point here is that he has been treating you kind of like a secret since day one, not fully inviting you into his life, but you have accepted it this long. A guy who is worth your time, is never too busy for you and always wants to see you in the weekends, especially at the beginning.
Letting yourself become someone's girlfriend is a priviledge. And you have to let them prove to you that they really care about you and are really worth your time before you give them that priviledge. You got to let a guy fight for you and prove his worth to you. But you progressed with this relationship even though his attention to you was mediocre at best.
While of course I think he is a jerk and he is hiding something from you, for sure, I also see the biggest problem here is that you accepted his treatment of you. If in the first to second week of dating someone, they are already full of excuses, that's your cue to say NEXT.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Yep! He's married or living with someone. I wouldn't call the house either, it's not her fault the guys two timing her OR you, but I wouldn't want to find out by a girlfriend phoning the house...
My husband has been in the business world for 37 years, and his schedule and trips are usually booked up to a year in advance. I can count the number of trips that have been cancelled on one hand, so that sounds pretty suspicious to me too. Does he shower before he leaves your house, so that he doesn't smell like sex? And not want you to hug him goodbye? That can be because your perfume would tip off his girlfriend...
Sorry - You deserve better. Hope we're all wrong here, but it does sound like he's hiding something.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Sounds fairly suspicious to me, but the advice offered below (check his phone number on Internet and call) could possibly let the cat out of the bag.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 Hi,
One thing you dont mention. Do you have his home phone number? This is the one the catches all cheats, they will never let you call them at home ( as they don't want the wife/girlfriend to answer ). If he gives you the "I don't have a home number" then look up the whitepages on the internet and find his number there, in fact why don't you do that anyway, see who answers the phone!
At the end of the day, if you have suspicions they are generally grounded in reality. He is defintely misleading you and you have to ask yourself why you are allowing this to continue. His excuses are bullsh*t but you are still seeing him?
Time to give this guy the heaveho! There are plenty of men out there who arent attached , find one of them. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): The one thing that you mentioned that would make me suspicious is never seeing him on weekends. However, I would suspect that he has another girlfriend rather than being married. My wife was the first woman who I dated after my divorce and I wanted to date others. I went out with my girlfriend (now wife) on the weekends and went out with the other girlfriends during the week and occasionally on Friday night. However, they all knew what I was doing, as I was honest with them before we ever had sex. The fact that he went out of town with you makes it somewhat more likely that he has a gf rather than a wife. That would be easy to hide from a fg, but more difficult to hide from a wife. Does he live close to you or in another city. If he lives some distance away then it would be easier to do the things that he does if married than if he is from the same city. If he comes to your city on business from out of town then it is more probable that he is married.
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