A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've liked this guy the whole school year. He's not a typical jerk, and he's a real genuine person. I got him out of a lot of bad habits, and he made me a happier person. We haven't dated because 1) I'm barely allowed (real restricted) 2) I have no time. I'm trying to focus on school and I'm really stressed out as it is. And he understood and has been satisfied with that. But yesterday, he called me and told me he really liked me but also began to develop the same feeling for another girl and he didn't know what to do so he asked my advice. After a long time of him talking, I told him to go with her because she can give him more than I can because she can date him easier than I. He went with that really easily. Although I know it was the right answer, my heart feels so crushed. I don't know whether to act happy around him or show him that I'm really hurt. What do I do? :(
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male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (8 February 2012):
"After a long time of him talking, I told him to go with her because she can give him more than I can because she can date him easier than I. He went with that really easily."
You gave him permission...
Most guys are holdouts for the girl they want. Some have more than one they want, but they still are holdouts. This is often a stressful thing for a guy because we know that--in 99% of relationships (--made up stat for a truism)--it's the woman who makes the decision on whether the relationship exists, progresses, what the terms are, etc.
What you did was essentially send the message he shouldn't hold out for you. He probably went for it easily because you both relieved some stress (over his interest in you) and suggested an alternative that was potentially less stressful.
Doesn't help how you feel emotionally though because you made a RATIONAL decision not an emotional one.
Like Dorothy suggests, one thing you need to do is figure out work/life balance because there will ALWAYS be some priority of work you can do or spend more time on and there will almost NEVER be times everyone forces you to chill out and have a life.
I completely understand the school issue. Just graduated with a Bachelor's the end of 2010 with a 3.17 cumulative GPA across a lot of science classes. Some of those classes will suck your life into you. And--in college--you get the artificial breaks between semesters to "have a life" which is why many of your (and my) classmates "went home for the holidays" and never came back. Some of them physically stayed home, others never came back mentally and eventually left in person as well.
What you need to do is to set priorities and limits for yourself and how you use your time. Pick a realistic end goal--for college, it's your degree--and work backwards towards today while adding in a priority for doing something other than work. If you can do that, you can create a "life/work" budget you can negotiate with yourself.
Trade a day or so of fun late in the semester for one earlier. Block out your time for fun like you do for studying. Just make sure you do something for yourself as you go along...
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 February 2012):
Hi there. You said what you felt was right for him, so it probably was the right advice.
You have said you are busy studying and so have very little time to date anyone, anyway.
What you told him is fair, under the circumstances.
You could have said - "No don't go out with her, I want you to go out with me." - but you didn't. So that was totally selfless to consider his needs.
He would appreciate that, I'm sure.
He knows you are not just thinking of yourself, but that you didn't feel it was fair for him to have to wait for you to be available.
It's not like you don't like him and that you were fobbing him off and rejecting him, was it?
He does understand your situation, and he has accepted it for what it is.
Don't act hurt around him because of his decision, it was the right one and he did talk to you about it, which was very considerate of him.
Just be friendly but don't flirt with him, because he is starting to see this other young lady now.
Also, don't be angry or nasty towards him because he went out with this other girl.
It's not like he's doing it behind your back, is it?
He does like you still, after all, because you were his first choice, but you weren't available.
Even though you are studying, you do need to have a life outside of your studies - to balance your life out.
In fact, if you do have a social life outside of your studies, it can actually make you a lot more relaxed and therefore much more productive when you go back to your studies again.
And then you are not distracted, as you otherwise might be.
There needs to be a balance between work and play.
All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.
You don't have to go out every night, just once or twice a week and on the weekend as well.
You can do both you know. You can study, and you can have a fun and interesting life as well.
It's not a healthy option to only study, and nothing else outside of that.
If you do that, you could end up being stressed out and uptight all the time - and not know why.
Eventually that can lead to depression, and a lack of purpose.
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