A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair that I ended nearly three years ago. I don’t need to be lectured on my poor choices - nor do I justify them, but there are many layers to the complete story. On a positive note, my husband and I have made tremendous progress in our relationship, which has taken significant work. My problem is that even three years later, I think about my affair partner every single day. I am at a point that I truly don’t want to think of him, but I can’t seem to move on completely. I’ve been in therapy, I’ve avoided his outreach attempts. But, still, he’s a constant presence. How do I rid myself of that chapter in my story once and for all???
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2022):
 I think it's "normal" OP
Loads of people think about an ex (a blast from the past or a most recent ex).
He was a part of your life for a while.
You want to forget him, and what YOU did - which is only normal too. And it might be why he keeps popping up. It's the GUILT you feel that bonks you on the head in the shape of this former lover. A little constant reminder that YOU fucked up. At some point, you NEED to forgive YOURSELF and let this guilt go. As best as you can.
We all need to accept that we mess up. We do dumb or bad things. Hopefully, we LEARN from that and do NOT repeat that stuff.
When he pops into your head, TELL yourself OH you again, go away, and then CHANGE your train of thought. don't dwell on it.
Own what you did. Accept what you did. You can't change the past but you CAN let go of it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2022): Welcome to the club. I'm guessing you didn't have many sex partners, you don't think of others. I see the problem: I truly don’t want to think of him. That's not going to happen, especially if the sex was good. Stop beating yourself up. Almost every time I drive over railroad tracks I think of my AMTRAK Club membership and chuckle.
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female
reader, MysticalStella  +, writes (1 March 2022):
 I'm going to give you a pass on your choices. Completely. So let's jump into the heart of the issue which is that you don't want to think about your former lover. This brings up another illusion which you might have and that's a belief in free will and freedom of choice. There is no such thing as free will. Everything is connected. Everything is relative to everything else. You only think that something such as free will exists because you've been conditioned to think of yourself as a separate entity or being from everyone and everything else. That separateness between you and others is Ego, it's an image, a concept, a social construct, it's who you think you are. You think of yourself as a complete, whole, human being. But see everything is environment. Environment here is something I define as space in which many different things are interconnected and relative to one another. Everything around you is an environment, this planet, the area where you live, the trees, the birds, and the people. Then you have the social environment, your family, friends, community, and society. Your body is another environment - your heart, your lungs, your blood, your liver, your brain, and so many other things which are you but which you don't consciously think about. Your mind is the space where everything comes together and here's the thing, you cannot control what goes through your mind, what you think about, or even how often you think about it. Do you see the issue here? You want to stop thinking about your former lover, but you can't stop thinking about him because your desire to stop thinking about him creates an attachment to him through your Ego, which is not real, but nothing more than a concept. There's a way round this. In reality you're a spirit attached to a physical human body through which you're experiencing life, creating, developing and resolving karma. Karma is Sanskrit for 'action' as in action, reaction, interaction. Karma is the 'doing' part of Natural Law which applies to everything in existence. Karma is any physical action or activity. It's everything you do, everything you say, everything you think and feel. See karma is energy, energy is a wave or a cycle, and we live our lives in cycles, a life cycle, and lots of other different cycles. Your menstrual cycle is another example. This is all recorded into memory together with the consciousness (all energy comes out of consciousness). Now I might be wrong here, but you don't want to think about your former lover because you're rebuilding your marriage with your husband. You still have some negative feelings and emotions connected with your affair and your lover (Ego again) so you have past karma (the affair) that you still need to resolve. You can only resolve the karma by accepting the fact that you were in an affair, for whatever reason (it doesn't matter) and that affair is now past karma. The past affair only exists in your memory, it has no reality, so now you have to accept it as your past karma, let go of the guilt, the shame, whatever stuff you're going through, and draw a line under it. The memory of the affair or your lover isn't going to go away. But see if you let go of the desire or wish to not think about it, but simply accept that you will think about it from time to time, but just let the thoughts, feelings and emotions appear and disappear in your mind, and you focus much more on the here and now, being in the moment, sooner or later it will fade into memory completely. The key to acceptance is to just let it go, and focus more on being in the moment and what you're doing now in your marriage. I hope this helps. best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2022): Purging your guilt plays a key part in completely removing yourself from something you've done, and have lived to regret. Guilt doesn't always mean you're sorry for what you did, but that you got caught!
Guilt (or remorse) serves either as a reminder never to repeat an offense; or you will be plagued with memories, when you are not sincere about the disassociation with the person you cheated with, or penitent of the behavior of cheating. In short, you are not completely remorseful of your affair; and you don't really want to forget the man. There is inner-conflict about the choice you've made.
If your reconciliation was done for any other reason(s) than you truly and deeply love your husband, and wish to always be faithful; your subconscious-mind will never lie. It will repeatedly remind you that you're not being truthful, and will call you out.
You can see a therapist, but they can't make you forget or feel remorse. That comes from the heart, and from deep within your subconscious-mind. You can say or do something consciously; but not mean it.
You may not be happy with the choice you've made; but you may have reconciled with your husband only because you believe it is the right thing to do, and the guilt may be too overwhelming.
It can take a very long time to completely detach from, or suppress, memories. Sometimes it could take a lifetime. The important factor, is to forgive yourself. If it was a mistake, and you're truly sorry. If you are a person of faith; then you can ask God for forgiveness, and all memory and regret subsides. We all make terrible mistakes, no-one here can say otherwise.
You have to be true to yourself, and to your husband. You may never erase those memories; but you have to also be happy with the choice you've made.
If deep-down inside you really wanted the other man, but not your husband; then he will be more than a memory. He will be a craving. You might be remorseful, but not for the affair; but because you didn't make an honest and true choice between the two of them. You settled for your husband, maybe because you didn't want to be judged by other people. Under the pressure of society, your family, or under the scrutiny of friends and/or colleagues. I make this point evidenced by how you wrote to an advice and opinion site; and promptly warned people not to lecture you. Either you want an honest and objective opinion; or you want to edict the responses you'd prefer to hear!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2022): Key points:- You ended it (good for you!)- 3 years ago (it will take a little more time, depending on how strong your feelings were)- made progress in your marriage (focus on that!)(-you had problems in your marriage when you started the affair)Most affairs are pure escapism. Fairy-tales that are not meant to become reality. You had problems in your marriage and decided to act on your attraction towards a man who will become your lover. You don't say how long the affair lasted, so I can't comment on that. What I can comment on is that at some point you decided to end it for reasons you don't mention. Had this affair been a relationship material, you would have probably left your troubled marriage. But... something just wasn't right. Focus on what was wrong with your lover/you/the affair-relationship you had.I can give you my personal example. I cheated on my bf when I was in my early twenties, instead of leaving him (which I ultimately did). He was suffocating me and I just didn't know how to end it. And then I met my lover to be. Older, on a brink of ending his long-dead marriage. I loved so many things about him, including how he made me feel. But, even then at the peak of my feelings for him, one part of me was sounding the alarm. There was something wrong with him, or rather so different from me. We were both cheaters, so I wasn't taking the higher ground, but... in the back of my mind I knew that he was looking for someone to take care of him and not to share his life with. He wanted an easy ride. For me cheating was painful, something I did once and have never repeated since, for him was just something he did, when he felt like it (and could do it). Had I been a bit older (and a whole lot richer) I would almost certainly ended up being his third wife. I left him and moved on. But I was lucky because I met my future husband and built a life with him on healthy grounds. My way of fighting intruding thoughts about my lover was facing who he REALLY was (is) - a selfish person, who acts like a kid and looks for someone to "adopt" him, while he runs around doing whatever he likes. Inability to ALWAYS have his way made him somewhat unhappy and bitter, trying to show to the world how great a life he has. When I look back, I can honestly say that I loved the man he might have become, not who he was (he was in his 30's) and not who he ended up being (he's almost 60 now). So, focus on the real (your marriage) and don't feed the rosy thoughts about your ex lover. Now... I have to ask you this. Are you happy with yourself and by extension in your marriage? Because if you're not, you will NEVER let go of your fantasy.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 February 2022):
 Unless you have a lobotomy, you will probably always remember this man, regardless of the fact this affair could have cost you your marriage. You are very lucky that your husband has the capacity to forgive and to work at repairing your marriage. If the affair HAD cost you your marriage, your recollection of this time of your life might be filled with hatred and bitterness and contempt.
Have you tried to replace memories of the affair with happy memories of your relationship with your husband? Every time a memory of the affair pops into your head, try to push it to the back of your mind by thinking about a special time you shared with your husband. After all, he must be quite special and love you very much. Or you could even recall how hurt he was when he found out about your affair and vow never to hurt him like that again.
Block this man from contacting you in every way possible. It is quite easy to do these days. You owe that to your husband and to your marriage.
We can't help the thoughts that enter our minds, or the memories which dwell there, but we CAN refuse to entertain them and choose to replace them with other thoughts and memories.
Stay strong. You can do this. It just takes time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2022): It's not easy to forget someone you have been in love with. The affair may have ended but the feelings remain. It would help if you gave us more information but anyway, my two cents is that it's not easy to forget someone you've been emotionally invested in. Getting him out of your mind is something that is entirely in your hands. You've given him power over your thoughts and space in your head. Each time you find yourself thinking of him, shake yourself up. Distract yourself. Remind yourself about why it ended. Think of the good things in your life.
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