A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidDoes anyone have any experience of a married man who might try to cause havoc in a woman's life if she rejects his advances, and would this be just a case of spite or is evidence of some kind of stalking?I am single and have been talking to a married man for some time. I only want to keep things at a friendly, acquaintance level but he keeps suggesting more. I have received lots of unwanted mail, such as catalogues and lots of attention from people who I am sure know him, although he says he doesn't know or talk to them; including a lot of sudden, unwanted male attention. I have read that some stalkers will get other people unwittingly involved in their pursuits. Is this true? Would a stalker try to turn other people against you and play practical jokes on you? I have tried to keep out of his way but after a while he comes back again and I am now wondering if he is playing a cruel game of cat and mouse and has others involved just for the fun of it. A friend who has had a similar experience says he is gathering information on me, but what for? Your advice and opinions would be welcomed, please. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2022): Yes I have had experiences of a married man pestering me. You cannot understand this unless you are a single woman living alone that this happens to. I work as a therapist in an office which is attached to my house. Years ago when I was single (I am with a lovely worthy man now) I had a client come to me regularly for therapy, a very nice lady who came once a month and travelled hundreds of miles to see me for therapy. One day she said to me that she wanted me to see her husband as he was going through some depression. Fine. This stuff happens all of the time. The husband came to see me and did not seem at all depressed. The next day he rang me and went on about how much he fancied me, that he had decided he would come back to see me on friday evening and that I would cook him a meal of steak and chips and then we would go to bed together for a few hours!I was not sure which was the most cheeky, that he assumed that I wanted him, that he assumed I would stay in and provide the food, that he assumed I was available on friday?! Obviously I said no but he kept saying yes I will and that's that. I had no way of making sure someone was there friday evening and should not have to.I set up my cassette recorder near the front door of the office and of course he turned up. He babbled on about wanting me and looking forward to the steak and chips and sex with me after, which I wanted him to do as I recorded it. I then said to him that I now have a tape of him showing his true colours and will gladly play it to his wifeone time she comes to see me if he pushes his luck or contacts me again. His face turned white and he sped off.It's very easy for people to say do this and do that.I am sure you are not stupid enough to need advice on the basics of what to do physically, it is the upset of it that you need support with.But I hope you have learnt now that some men, single and married, are not all that they seem or pretend to be and have hidden agendas. I worked for about thirty years seeing clients face to face for therapy and had some very scary moments with some of the men being pushy and aggressive about what they wanted and did I do "extras" and not wanting to take no for an answer! I think the most ludicrous one was the very old man who came to see me and offered me $25 in return for a whole night of sex with me. (a cleaner gets that for one hour of dusting and hoovering during the daytime).Yet he had paid $200 for an hour of talking to me!Can you imagine anyone who is fully booked with $200 an hour talking sessions giving a whole night of sex to an old man for a paper clip? Maybe he had dementia. But it seemed to me he thought he was so incredibly gorgeous that I should be grateful to get that.You may have read or heard about some of these cases where a man gets an idea in his head about wanting a woman and then abducts her and locks her in the basement for years.People can be very fixated and selfish in their wants.I am in my 60s now and still get guys like this sometimes.I think these are the sort of guys who would go with any woman so long as it's local, private and free/cheap.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2022):
 My advice?
CUT all contact, block the FIRE out of him. Lock down your social media so he has no access and do not accept requests from people you DO NOT know in "real life" - they could be either his "flying monkies" (aka people he ropes into spying on you, sometimes without them knowing that it IS somewhat malicious). Consider changing your number.
If he is a stalker, take as many precautions as you can. Such as changing up your route to and from work/home. Change up your schedule (as much as you can). Consider getting a camera like Ring for your door. Keep a note of odd stuff that happens with time and date.
You REALLY need to stop talking to him. ASAP.
If you keep talking he will keep doing weird stuff to "keep" your attention. He needs to be IGNORED into oblivion.
WiseOwlE gives great advice on how to avoid weird stuff in the mail. HAVE the mail STOPPED to your house for a while or like WiseOwlE suggested "Any mail you don't want, return to the sender; or ask your postal carrier not to deliver mail with no return address".
"Sick" people will GLADLY get others to join in. It's like a game to them.
And yeah, in the future... stay away from married men, they are NOT friend-material.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2022): I know sometimes it's very intimidating when someone makes advances and you're forced to reject them. If you run-up against a persistent type; you can't show your fear! You have to tell a guy point-blank, you are not interested and never will be interested!!! You can't accuse people of anything you have no proof of.
I know some guys don't take "no" for an answer; but you also have let them know you mean it. If you say it with a shy smile, or don't place emphasis on the point you do not wish him to contact you; he will dismiss it, and will continue. You can't ask him to stop contacting you; and then respond here and there! You have to ignore him altogether! Never respond! Any mail you don't want, return to the sender; or ask your postal carrier not to deliver mail with no return address; or temporarily pickup your mail at a post office box, until you stop getting mail from an unknown source.
Paranoia will make you put two and two together and come-up with six! Other men making advances is probably totally coincidental; and if he's trying to be undercover or stealth, he shouldn't leave a trail of witnesses. If he's the one interested in you, it makes no sense to get other dudes in the way!
I get magazines and catalogs all the time, and I didn't subscribe to them. High-end stuff I would never buy! Magazines sent to "current resident!" If you shop with a credit card, bankcard, or over the internet; they sell your address and contact information. Frequent online shoppers get a barrage of junk mail and catalogs. You weren't specific of the content of the mail, and you leave out all sorts of information that would even implicate somebody is potentially stalking you. Your evidence is too flimsy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 February 2022):
 You have no proof that he is actually behind the unwanted mail and attention. These events could be complete coincidence. After all, most of us receive unwanted mail and unrequested attention from time to time. Even if he IS the culprit, we could only guess at what his motives might be.
My advice would be to stay polite but distant and, in future, not to target married men as "friends", as that is asking for trouble somewhere down the line.
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