A
female
age
30-35,
*ifilaxe93
writes:I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost one year. I am 23 years old and he is 28. When we met he told me that I am the one and quickly introduced me to his family and he met mine. The problem in my situation is that I come from a culture where dating is not acceptable as the norm. However, both he and I are more open minded as we both lived abroad for a while. He is the first guy I slept with but I promised myself I would only do it if I was certain I want to spend my life with this man....He promised that would get engaged in December (engaged only not married immediately) engagement in our culture is a sort of legal dating. He owns his own business and I left to do my master this year. So we were prepared for a long distance relationship. First, he kept saying that he would not let me leave without us being engaged. He then changed his mind and said in december. Throughout this time my dad kept pressuring him but in a friendly and diplomatic way. Everything was fine until he left for a vacation with his family and suddenly flipped. He became distant pushed me away and said he was going through a hard time with work and just wants space. And I gave it to him, I eventually got upset because that is how he chose to spend our last few weeks together but I always knew that his job was bringing him down. I was accepting and patient and kind but he would never stop talking to me completely always check up on me. We spent a horrible last day together although he had the intent to make it a nice one but just did not work out. After that he left for a month to visit his cousins in the states and old friends. He became better during that time and things became more positive between us and he would tell me that he is feeling better. But there were always ups and downs. Some days he would say " I am still not feeling ok and I told you I need space " And then I would completely freak out because hello? You have been talking to me all the time normally what is wrong with you? When he went back home I was already abroad for my studies. He changed with me then apologized and started calling me a lot on international fare calls. He started being sweet again. When I brought up the subject of engagement in december he said that this couldnt happen while he is still feeling bad. I got very upset and felt it was time to put a red line. I gave him the choice to either 1- keep his promise to keep my trust in him 2- taking a break until december without any contact to figure out what he wants 3 - break up for good he said he did not want either of the options and that he can not do 1 because he feels forced and he can not stop talking to me because he loves me! So I went along with it because I am so weak and love him too, I actually love him like crazy and this is why I am upset about the no engagement. Not because I want the engagement so badly but because I want to be able to tell everyone that I love this man. I want to introduce him to friends invite him to visit me here without risking my sister telling my dad about him visiting me as a "boyfriend" - please keep in mind the cultural differences. He knows that I have to keep a double life if we stay unofficial and yet he always seemed so careless about it. Today we had a big fight about something stupid although deep inside I was already feeling uncertain of how this relationship will continue in a secretive way while it is on long distance. Something inside me kept telling me that if he doesnt make a move I would get exhausted and it will drain my energy and distract me from my studies. That is why I took this decision today. And i completely deleted him out of all my social media. Please tell me was breaking up too harsh? I mean it as a way of making him miss me and realize that he would do anything in order not to loose me. This is my goal... I am not out of love. I do not think I will be much happier without him although my emotions will get a break. But please was it a right decision? I do love this guy and it not out of fear of never being loved again or out of being alone I just think that we have this perfectly weird match that is so precious... Help a lady in trouble and calm her mind ... Thank you so much for taking time bless you all
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 You both have different cultures. I understand you want that security. But in his culture it might seem rushed getting engaged after only a year, that on top off him getting pressure from your dad is making him not want to get engaged. I can see both sides.
He does not seem to know what he wants. I understand he has made you a promise then not went through with it. One minute he is okay the next he needs space. He sounds much to fickle and am afraid he will keep going hot and cold and you are left not knowing where you stand.
I think you done the wrong thing breaking up with him if you did not mean it. Because it is almost like you are trying to put more pressure on him. If he is not ready to be engaged then you need to accept that. By ending things then you are also putting pressure on him. Unless you actually meant for the relationship to be over I don't think you should have done it. You should have spoke to him.
Now you need to be prepared that he might not give you what you want. In this case you will need to get over him and move on.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 October 2016):
 This relationship has become too much work for you and I'm not even sure what's happened to the guy to make him suddenly balk in this way.
I don't know if he ever plans to commit long term or maybe someone has told him something like he's too young to get engaged which seems to be playing on his mind. I'm all for people wanting space but somehow his excuse doesn't seem very believable. If someone loves you, they will want to be with you at any cost and nothing or no one can stop them.
If you've deleted him off social media, then stick to the stand that you've taken. Don't add him back on, don't melt into a puddle when he talks sweet with you, don't give in. This is one instance where I think it's important to give someone am ultimatum. While I don't think this is the best way to get someone to commit, I don't see any other options unless you decide to be strong enough and totally cut him out of your life.
Another point to ponder- what's your plan B? Have you thought of an eventuality if he doesn't succumb?
Just because you've slept with him doesn't mean that it's the end of the road as far as relationships are concerned. Chin up, you've done nothing wrong. Hope for the best, concentrate your studies and remember, whatever happens is for the best.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (15 October 2016):
 I sympathise with you. you are trying to handle a difficult situation with great tact. Personally I wouldn't have broken with him unless you are prepared to go through with it. Always leave a door open if you are in negotiations. Always try to let the opposition save face.
However he needs to see that he can't just throw his hands up in the air and say he is too busy, or is having a hard time. When will be a good time?
All you are looking for is reassurance. Getting engaged isn't getting married. It is simply an indication of intent. You are entitled to that.
Ask if there is some reason why he now cannot fulfil his promise. You have invested a lot of trust in this man and it is now up to him to show he is the man you thought he was.
He may be about to lose the best thing that ever came into his life, simply because he can't do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 October 2016):
 You sound exhausted and, quite understandably, as if you have reached a "make or break" crossroads in your relationship.
I think you need to be prepared for him NOT coming back. However, this will not be any worse than you living with the uncertainty you have experienced so far.
Concentrate on your studies (good luck with those) and try not to dwell too much on your relationship. If he comes back, then lay ground rules for what you want but be prepared to negotiate. If he doesn't, he wasn't the right one for you after all.
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