A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:He had an affair with my sister and he left his wife of nearly 30 years. His wife says he is very narcissistic and will destroy and cheat on her eventually!? Is she right. I can't see it he is very loving and careing towards my sister and teats her well. He is very nasty to his soon to be ex wife, calling her an idiot and being generally passive-agressive towards her.Some of the things she's discribed him as:• Lacks empathy• Mean and horrible to his freinds who he has known for years (I know this as he has disowned all of his freinds and family; his parents don't want to know him, and he isn't even bothering to mend the ties with them at all).• Is not manking an effort to be in his children's (even though they are both adults) lives.• His wife says that he has had a affair with a bar maid at their local pub.• Craves attention and always likes to be the centre of attention all of the time.• He is very critical of other and my sisters son (my nephew) has moved out of the house at just 16 to live with his dad as my sister's boyfriend and him clash all the time and don't get on at all.His wife also says that 'she' is not his first affair and it won't be his last either. That he is just after narcissistic supply from her and will dump her when he is bored. The reason that he cheated and had an affair was because 'he' was bored with her and her illness of MS, so he cheated and left her for my sister. There is an 8 year age differance and my sister goes most places with him (as I feel she is secretly insecure deep down); but isn't showing it. His own mother was in urgent need of some medicine and he said he didn't want to get it because he was getting ready to go out.My 'greatest' fear is will he result to this childish 'passive-agressive' and 'abandoning' behaviour when thinks are not so shiny and new anymore. There was (apparently) another number he was texting while he was having his affair with my sister and will not let us know who on earth it is. His son seems to think the "other" number is mine and my sister's best friend, which if it's true is a total betrayal of not just my sister, but also me at the same time.Will all this come true? What do you think the chances of it last is/are?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2016):
 Off course is wife is going to be bitter, he left her for your sister. So she is going to want to make sure you know all the bad points.
However reading your post it does sound like he is a very selfish person. Your poor nephew moved out off his home because he does not get on with him. Your sister should have put her son first here. It sounds like your sister is insecure, I mean he was cheating on his wife, someone he made a commitment to. Therefore there will be nothing stopping him cheating on your sister.
Off course your sister is not going to listen to you, and she will need to learn for herself the mistakes she has made.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): An ex isn't the best source of an unbiased opinion. His past marriage obviously ended badly; so digging into his past by cross-examining his ex-wife is going above and beyond the call. Your sister is an adult and will have to live with her own choices and decisions.
Exes make a lot of allegations, because they have been hurt and the rejection brings out the worst in people. You're getting one side of the story. No one will ever figure-out the appeal bad-boys have that attracts good-girls. Perhaps it intrigues her that he desires her, and in time it will come to a head and fizzle-out. These things have to run their course; and your interference will only make it more complicated. Allegedly he's a player, and apparently has a good game.
Trust only what you witness and see with your own eyes. Step-children often do not get along with their step-parents, so that's not reliable evidence. There is also resentment in the children after a divorce, and it takes time for everyone to come to terms with something as serious as a divorce. It's a life-changing experience. It's very painful for all involved. Especially for children, young or adult. The resentment can lasts for years.
Unless you witness or discover something criminal, I think it is best you mind your own business. If he proves himself to be a narcissist and a devil; then it is up to your sister to decide whether she wishes to keep him.
No one can predict how long it will last, not even the two people involved. You can only be there for her support; not be her father, or tell her what to do. She may well be the person doing most of the manipulation. She's a woman, and they have strange powers over men.
Getting too involved pushes them together on the defense; because they see everyone in opposition of their relationship. They will join forces. So stay neutral, at least appear to be. The more neutral you remain, the closer you can stay to observe. Don't project tension or pressure, or he'll pick up on it. Narcissists are clever when it comes to reading people. They are very paranoid.
People who entangle themselves in drama and bad relationships have to run the full gambit. They have to see for themselves what they've gotten themselves into; while we squirm on the sidelines. Waiting to catch them when they fall, or to knock his teeth out if he lays a finger on her. Well, that was meant metaphorically and rhetorically. I don't condone violence, we have police to handle such matters.
Until she sees all the signs of a narcissist and decides he's a bad match, just be there to support her and help her through the aftermath.
Leave the daunting and "I told you so's" for his ex to gloat. If he is what his ex says he is, your sister will have learned a valuable lesson from her mistakes.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (15 October 2016):
It sounds like there are just too many people hurt and let down by him for this all to be the mere vengeful rantings of a betrayed and bitter ex. Unfortunately, though, whatever the truth is, your sister is in love with him and will have to figure this one out for herself. I assume she is aware of all the allegations made against him, and she already knows he’s willing to cheat as she allowed him to cheat with her. The best thing you can do is to be polite and civil to them, and keep in contact with your nephew. If everything that’s said about him is true, then as the saying goes, with enough rope he’ll hang himself. It’s hard, I know, to see some-one you love making what you think is a big mistake, but if she’s not willing to hear the objections then repeating them over and over will only alienate you from her and push her closer to him.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 October 2016):
 I always listen carefully to any allegations from previous partners as, invariably, while they may have their roots in bitterness, there are always at least some elements of truth in them.
Sadly, the way he is acting towards his wife will be exactly how he treats your sister once their affair is over. I am sure he treated his wife very well at the beginning of their relationship as well.
Your sister is an adult. She is (presumably) of sound mind and able to make her own decisions. She is in love now so will refuse to see what is smacking her in the face. They don't say "love is blind" for nothing. All you can do is be there and be supportive when it all comes crashing down. If you alienate yourself from your sister, she will cling to him all the more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2016): I see your concerns.And you can warn her all you want. But unfortunately your sister is going to have to learn the hard way. She is probably addicted or infatuated or head over heels for this guy. You might think she's crazy. But for her he can do no wrong. Or she chooses to bury her head in the sand. He is who she wants him to be, not who he really is. She may want to desperately hang onto the semblance of love or the relationship out of a deep need to be desired and loved, even if it is by the wrong man. You cannot ever advise people about their love lives, even if you are right and see it coming. Their hearts will win out over their minds and common sense and the advice of others. It's like telling a drug addict to quit drugs because they are bad for them. They know drugs are bad for them and could probably even list all the reasons. But this does not stop them from using them. They are getting something out of it and as long as they are getting something out of it, that need and desire will fuel their addiction. Right or wrong just doesn't come into play.Live and learn. That is what will happen here.
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