A
male
age
41-50,
*ustmeinsd
writes:to whoever wants to listen, this is going to be a bit of a long story, but for those who take the time and read it, I would appreciate your thoughts, especially from women readers. Back Story:Story begins with a girl and a boy. I, the boy, met the girl through a mutual friend about six years ago through a mutual friend. We lived in different states at the time, but we kept in touch via email, myspace and any time i visited our home town, where she lived. She had a long term boyfriend and i was the eternal bachelor. I didn't know it then, but later i found that the entire time she was attracted to me. I should also add that i was very attracted to her. Not only physically, but I also though she was one of the coolest girls i knew, and thought that there was no way i could get a girl like that. After a few years of friendship, i moved back to our hometown to be closer to friends and family and fast forward.. one drunken night, we ended up together. I don't know if this next part has a role in this story but i should add that she was still with her bf so we sneaked around for a couple of months. I am not proud of this. I have been cheated on before and would never wish that feeling on anyone. However, i don't know what it was, maybe the fact that we held such a good friendship and that she WAS so cool, i fell for her, hard and fast. The feeling was returned. Her relationship with the boyfriend was dead a long time. It was, what she described as a roommate situation more than anything else. They had little in common and to my knowledge, according to her, they weren't intimate anymore. She was in the relationship because there were things on the line, a mortgage but also because he was the support she needed. A good prospect, great on paper. She claims that i was the only one she had ever cheated with and as much as i like to believe it, i sometimes had my doubts. In any case, it would not had made a difference. After she broke up with him a couple of months later, she talked about moving out west, 3000 miles away to CA. She was going through a lot of changes with leaving a 5+ year relationship and a job she hated, it made sense for her to make a move to a place she she would be happy. However, this was at a beginning of our relationship. We moved from 0 to 600000 in not time at all. She moved in, (first time i had ever lived with anyone) and eventually, i agreed to start looking for jobs out west. I didn't want to leave my friends and family , having JUST moved back to the area not even a year and a half earlier, but i loved her. I wanted to be with her and if that meant moving away with her, then thats what i wanted. It took some time but after a few months i finally found a transfer out west and we made our move together.. fast forward 20 months later and we are breaking up and these are the reasons why:My mistakes:when we were living together in our hometown , there were some problems with my friends, one in particular. This friend of ours, because they were close at one point, was a heavy drinker and did some bad things, like once she (the friend) told my girlfriend that i didn't love her. Another time she was recalling some of my sexual conquests from the past in from of her and other people, then there were other times when i was not there that she apparently snapped at my girlfriend and words were exchanged. now, i don't think my girlfriend was innocent of all fault. Times when incidents occurred, we were ALL drinking and if i compared the facts to history, my friends have always been genuine, nice people. My girlfriend is also a nice, VERY cut and dry, straight shooter type. but she is also very jealous. She was jealous to the point that she didn't like me spending time with a female coworker, and told me that this female coworker, who she knew from another job, was rude to her and that i shouldn't be friends with her. I am not calling my girlfriend a liar but this girl at work was one of the nicest people i know. I cant imagine her being rude to anyone, much less my girlfriend.In any case, when all of this was going on with my friend and with coworker, i took a neutral side. I didn't want to get involved because i was close to both parties. Now i know that i should have always taken her side, even if she was wrong and deal with it later if i had to, but i should have stopped my friends from making her feel unwanted. I apologized to her for not doing this, but it was at the end of the relationship after a could of years of her resenting me for not making the right call at the time. She also complained a lot about my poor communication. Some of it was me just not paying attention. In my defense, her timing wasn't always great but there were plenty of times when i wouldn't pay attention to what she was saying only to ask questions at a later time. It really bothered her when i did that. Additionally, she always said that i didn't talk about the important issue, which is true. I have always been a very laid back person and i figured that we will deal with something when we get to it. She was more of a planner (more on this later) so she would get angry when i didn't treat something in the same way as she did and always called it failure to communicate. For example, one day when we had gotten in an argument, i decided to walk to work last minute. (the usual routine was her dropping me off and then taking the car to her job), so I decide to walk to work that day, last minute, and she got upset because i waited until the last minute and she could have planned to fix herself breakfast and i didn't think ahead and and i need to communicate better. There are other examples, but they are all smiler. Her getting mad at me for not doing something the way she would have or the way she wanted it handled. It was always me not communicating. Her mistakes: The first one, and most destructive one, she has a textbook, type A, controlling personality. I touched on some of it above, but it was not limited to that. The biggest issue by far has been the "porn" factor. Keep reading, ladies. I am not the dog you think i am. When we first got together, a couple of months in, she told me that she had a very special requirement and that she didn't want me looking at porn. I, not being a porn watcher, didn't think anything of it. Then, little by little, i learned that she considered porn, anything that had nudity in it. So for example, if there was a movie where there may have been one scene with nudity on it, that movie wasn't ok and she didn't want me watching. I learned her buttons on trial and error. I would watch something that i thought was totally acceptable and all of the sudden it wasn't. This was not only limited to nudity but it was applicable to magazines, not porn, but lets say that all of the sudden i would find pages tore out of my GQ magazines. Also tv. One time we were watching the 70's show and one of the characters was all excited about hooking up with a striper. He kept saying over and over how it was great to hook up with a stripper and she got mad because she thought i should have changed the channel. She used to think that anything that she found demeaning to women was offensive and not ok.The problem is that is was anything that SHE found demeaning to women, which is didn't always agree. Still, i played ball. After a few mishaps where i was watching something i THOUGH was ok but wasn't, i eventually adjusted to really paying attention ti what we or i watched. Needles to say, i still haven't seen the hangover. This reminds me of another big fight in which she put a parental control code on the tv. I found out because i was flipping channels and there was some movie that was rated R and it wouldn't come though, I asked her for the code and she refused. She didn't want to give it to me because she didn't trust that i would not try to order something (we didn't have any premium channels so no chance for nudity). That was a big fight and we almost broke up. That was also one of the times when put my foot down and refused to pay for the cable so she downscaled it to an even move basic package. Now i want to get something clear. It has never been about the nudity. What bothers me is not that i want to see nudity but its that i want to be able to choose to watch something if i want without having to worry that she is going to leave me if i do, because that was what she said. To her, it was a deal breaker. The problem is that at the beginning i saw it as no big deal and i gave in, but with each movie that came out that i knew i couldn't watch, the feeling of feeling controlled and being treated like a kid and not an equal. Problem was that i already felt compromised and never said anything to change it. this made me resent her. Now, i know some of you may be thinking that she has self esteem issues, and although i would agree that she is a little insecure, she has no reason to be. She is beautiful with a beautiful body and she knows it. and not only does she know it, but i also made sure to always let her know how much i wanted her. in addition to the porn factor, her controlling personality controlled other aspects of my life. To me it always seemed like we will do anything she wants and anything that i want only as long as she was ok with it. To the point that i stopped planning things. I would just let her do all f=of the planning, let her make friends in our new town because if she didn't like my ideas, she would let me know. Also, it doesn't help me at all that she is a MASTER at arguing. She will prove her point, even if she is wrong thought justifying everything. She has a way of making me feel like i am always wrong. Once in a while she will throw me a bone and say she is wrong, but it never comes with out a reason. Why??So anyway, you are probably wondering why we stayed together 2.5 years and why am i even bothering writing this forum. How can this controlling, prude want to be with this reveling, unsupportive and poor communicator. Well.. .we love each other to bits. The times that we were not fighting, which was most of the time, we were so happy. She brought out the best in me and made me want to be better. I live and act only thinking if her and how it affects us. She is funny, so smart, beautiful, sexy.. and may i add, the best sex of my life! We have such a strong, passionate bond with anyone and aside these couple of BIG problems, there is no reason why i would not spend the rest of my life with this woman. This breakup is, bay far, the hardest thing i have ever done.The breakupit was after a an argument. It was nothing big but it was one more argument about what seemed to be the same thing. We were going to a brunch where the person noted to "Wear your sundays best". Her, being the type a that she is, took everything to the letter. I, knowing the people and knowing that they were all very relaxed chill people, was planning on bumming it. This is no surprise since i always bum it on the weekends. But then she got irate about me not paying attention and not following the protocol etc.. instead of "i would really like you to wear something nicer.. if she would have said that nicely, i would have been GLAD to say ok. Anyway, it was one more dumb argument about nothing and i snapped.. i didn't think i could put up with a lifetime if these and i didn't see them changing. I still don't think that i can, but since then vie been looking into all of these articles about improving communication and about changing controlling behaviors.. i talked to her about it but she does not want to talk about it now.. she said, MAYBE, after some time..then MAYBE we can talk.. it would seem like she is over it, but i know she is hurting,. Her method of dealing with it is by being strong and determined. I wish i had that.. i just think that i do,, i don't want to live without herHow can I get back to enjoying life and yet not have her in my life? How do I get over the biggest break up in my life?Any comments and ideas are appreciated.. thanks for reading.. .
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female
reader, sugarmangoez +, writes (19 May 2011):
 She was not for you. You really loved her, but she put conditions on her love for you. My heart really goes out to you because you put up with her ill treatment of you for so long which has ravaged your self esteem (believe me, I know the feeling). You had pure love for her and still do, but she only loved you if you obeyed her. Is that what you want for yourself?---To feel love from her as long as you were being a "good boy?" I'm sure you'd break some guy's legs if he treated your sister like this.You sound like a true gem. You did anything for her to win her love--you moved away from your family and friends for her sake (you longed for them, which was what brought you back home in the first place only to leave them again). She didn't do anything like that for you, and as controlling and selfish as she sounds, she would never have sacrificed anything for the sake of your happiness. She was always trying to mold you to fit into her world to make HER happy. It sounds as if life must have been great only when you lived it her way, and if you decided to think with your own mind she would try to put a stop to it. Sounds exhausting to me. (I know EXACTLY how that feels.)Just think of it this way, living with a volatile woman like that would have eventually caused you a lot of health problems in the long run. All the stress she's caused you on a daily basis would have eventually manifested itself and caused your body to slowly break down. The break up was actually very healthy for you, even though you feel pain right now. When I'm feeling stressed, a good run or brisk walk really helps me to release all of the crap. I'm blessed to have a dear friend to go on runs/walks with every morning. We talk crap about our husbands and console each other daily. It just feels so damned good afterwards! I would be even more stressed out if I didn't have her. It sounds like your ex is still stressing you out even though she's gone. Working it off at the gym will do wonders. Listen to your ipod while you're at it to distract any stray thoughts that will try to creep into your mind to throw you off. If that doesn't work, enjoy staring at the beautiful women working out next to you to keep your mind of off your ex! LOL! If you like sports, join a city soccer league or football league or something to keep busy. Think of something that you love doing that she wouldn't allow you to do when you were together and go do it! Surround yourself with people who really love you. They are your angels and know how to cheer you up. Stay away from people at the bar who would have you drown yourself in alcohol. I wouldn't spend too much time at home alone so the sad thoughts can creep back into your head. And for goodness sake, go watch "The Hangover!!!" One day soon, someone will see how loving and kind you are and appreciate you for your true self--they're gonna love everything about you--as is. :)***Disclaimer*** I am a hypocrite and going through similar crap. But it's so much easier to cheer up someone else though, isn't it?
A
female
reader, B123  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 How can you be positive? keep the chin up. Write down a list of pros and cons of what you liked and didn't like about your relationship then assess whether you think you should salvage the relationship or move on. I get the impression you just want her back more than wanting to move on. I think your story can actually be saved.
I also get what Cindy wrote too having said that...but can I step in and say well okay we all have our faults. None of us are perfect. When we start to live with each other - it takes a while for us to adjust. Some things that used to be a mystery to us are suddenly not and then you have to ask yourself well can I put up with these bad traits in the other person that I don't really like... I don't necessarily think her controlling him was on purpose yet I don't defend everything that she has done to him either...I guess her fault was that she thought she could sculpt her own relationship to the way she wanted to be..rather than letting him breathe - giving him space to be his own person, asking him nicely what she preferred. I think this could come down to approach. Resentment entered their relationship cos you both started to get offended by how you were being towards each other. I think you quite rightly point out how if she had asked you nicely you would have obliged her on many things... Maybe she was so insecure about your relationship as she didn't know if he was that madly in love...you say there was poor communication during these turbulent times - right? which prob led to tension. You say you want her back...well I think if you guys are to ever get back... you need to address these issues and resolve them for once and for all before you decide to enter back into a relationship together - for instance I feel there is a lack of compromise going on here. She is not compromising with you as much as you would like and vice versa. You feel you are having to constantly adapt your behaviour to suit her yet you feel upset that she is not recognising your love that you already give her. I think this all boils down to the fact is your perceptions of each other could be the polar opposite to what you may think they are. You say you love her yet you call her controlling - if my partner called me controlling I would automatically get defensive at that statement - perhaps that is why she has been that way towards you. I would also be put off by him straight away. I don't know if you ever called her controlling in a fight but think about it... I doubt anyone likes to be accused of something even if they are being a bit bossy. I don't agree with her stopping you from watching stuff you want to watch. You should be free to be yourself. It sounds to me as if she doubts you find her physically attractive hence her bad reaction to you watching nudity. If you told her you preferred to watch her naked and adore her and can't understand why she gets upset at you when all you are trying to do is learn how to make her more satisfied ...perhaps she would cool down her bad mood with you. She says she finds what you like demeaning to women but tell her look fine, you feel that way...okay but please don't hold it against me...all men like to simply look - doesn't mean I am into less now does it? and lets see how she responds. You could also just tell her directly look I love you. I want this to work with you. I know it can but it takes the co-operation and respect of both parties in order for this to work out. If you are willing to meet me half way then let me know..and leave it at that..if not fine...and throw the ball back in her court and see what she does. What you do ultimately anyway is your choice entirely but I think she is being sensitive and the fights were growing pains...you guys got comfortable and then the rose-tinted glasses came off and suddenly you started to bug each other out a bit. Now that you know these things, you can work on improving the bits you do like and trying to keep the negative traits to a min. Its possible. This break is actually a good thing for you both as you will find the answers now and if you do get back things will be stronger than before :) hope that has helped and I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 I think cindycares got it right when she said:
"Ah she would be so perfect for me if only....if only she were another all different person."
As much as you're idealizing her right now, do you really think you could have stayed with her if she never changed- which mind you... she won't. You snapped for a reason, because you were letting your frustrations build up to a volatile breaking point. Not a great sign of compatibility.
I've been with a girl like this... it was ridiculous... having to close your eyes in a PG rated movie theater because there's a tiny bit of side-boob showing makes you feel like a real pussy whipped twat. You can't NOT slip up with someone so insecure and controlling as that. Granted, you are reflecting on the relationship, but no matter how good you think she was right now... she wasn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): First of all, pardon my english, it is not my first language. My first reaction is that this must have been an emotionally draining experience for you. She claims you lack communication skills, but at the same time she expects you to read her mind regarding general shows on tv that might happen to have nudity in it and so forth. Not only that but her not really willing to talk about any issues and admitting she is wrong and just pointing her finger at you all the time is by no means constructive.In other words, you are always wrong, she is always right. there is no chance of discussing problems if she is not open to it. I can't really comment much on her behaviour because I don't know her, but it does seem that she has some deep rooted issues and she might need to seek professional help because this is taking things too far. She will end up making others miserable, but it seems she already is and whatever the reason, it needs to be resolved. You feeling like a child due to her basically 'telling you off'all the time is not what a healthy loving relationship is supposed to do. You needed to be treated as equals with mutual respect for each other. It all comes down to the fact that she took away your freedom and locked you in a mental cage. This happening within the first few years could mean that this would slowely spread until she controls everything and you ending up very unhappy. It sounds to me that you truely loved her. Breaking up is awful. I have just ended an 8 year relationship with the love of my life and i know exactly how devestating it can be. the only advice i can give you is to cherish all the special times you had together and think about how lucky you are that you got to experience that. give yourself time to grieve. You don't have to move on straight away. You are mourning the loss of someone very special to you. What helps me is talking to friends about it. When i feel bad i write my feelings down. You could consider writing her a letter to give you some closure (you don't have to post it to her if you don't want to, but just writing it can help). When you feel you are ready for the next step you could make a box with pictures, letters, anything that you shared (pics on a computer can be put on a memory stick) and store it away. Then, when you are ready, to help you move on, delete her from skype, facebook, your phone etc. Whatever you do, don't be too hard on yourself. No relationships are without arguments (thank goodness otherwise it would be so boring) and problems. Stop blaming yourself. She seemed quite complicated and i think you handeled the situation the best you could. i know that no words can really ease the pain, but i hope i have helped you, even if it is a little bit. the best of luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 By seeing reality as it is and things how they have happened, and not through the rose tinted glasses of lust and wishful thinking . Ah she would be so perfect for me if only....if only she were another all different person.
This is what she is . This is what she does. She is not open to self scrutiny and change, because, in fact, if possible she'd like to change YOU.
Please re-read what you have written through the cold , unpassionate, unpleasant yet very useful eye of your rational thinking.
"The times which we were not fighting, which was most of the time, we were so happy ". Yeah, but , if you were arguing MOST of the time, these blissful happy times can't have been that many, right ?.
"She brought out the best in me ". How exactly ? By turning you into a lapdog that is not even trusted to choose his magazines or his TV shoes, or the way he dresses ?
By keeping you stuck in a humiliating stern mother /naughty child dynamic ?
That's the best you can be , then I don't want to see the worst.
Come on, my friend, there's controlling- and there's absolutely freakishly dispotic and dysfunctional. She censured the 70's Show , for Pete's sake. !! She objects to Wilder Valderrama, - not even you- getting excited about strippers !
Same usual old always valid advice. Don't try to go and change her, change yourself. See if you figure out why you are so ready to give away your dignity , your independence of thought and your self respect in change of a well designed female body.
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