A
female
age
36-40,
*adAsh6705
writes:Hi everyone,I have been dating an awesome guy for a couple of months now...we met through mutual friends and began working together, after which we became closer and realized how much we have in common (similar educational background, same musical and leisure interests, many common friends, same age, same career goals, etc.), we always have fun together and never argue, plus we are both extremely physically attracted to one another, so it has turned out to be fantastic so far. Anyways, the thing that is bothering me is that I am graduating in a week, and when I invited him to my graduation dinner he was just like, silent and shaking his head like, no he doesn't want to come which really hurt my feelings. I understand that he has some anxiety issues in intimidating social situations which I suspect is the basis for this since my family members will be there. I let him know how disappointing it was for me that he didn't want to come, and then I just kind of let it go because I didn't want to push him away from the idea. Later that day, I asked him to please think about it and that it would mean a lot to me. So now, here I am a few days away from graduating and still unsure if he will come or not. I have had dinner with him and his parents before, met his grandfather and aunt, his brother and sister, and I just don't understand why he is so wary to meet my parents. I want to find out if he is going to come, but I'm not sure how to approach him about it. The last time I brought it up, I just left it up to him to think about, but he has not said anything about it! What can I do to convince him of how important this is to me? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BadAsh6705 +, writes (12 May 2011):
BadAsh6705 is verified as being by the original poster of the question O.k. so when I talked to him about it today, he was like, "I intended to go all along" and now is going both to my graduation ceremony and dinner. He said that I jumped to a conclusion that he wouldn't go, and he just didn't say anything, but I suspect that he was too nervous at first and now has thought about it more and decided to go. Either way, problem solved!
I guess the moral of the story is: Clear communication is super important in a relationship!!!!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): I'll take a stab at this.
All the things like music etc that you say you have in common are things he can tell you that you have in common.
The physical he gets to show you. And is delighted to do so.
But to go to the dinner is to have to show you something you should have in commom that he would usually tell you and he isn't willing to go the distance.
So that makes this lopsided in my book.
...............................
A
female
reader, BadAsh6705 +, writes (11 May 2011):
BadAsh6705 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just thought I would add that yes, we are dating exclusively. He was the one who first introduced me to friends as his girlfriend, and while we are not what I would consider "serious" we are only seeing each other and call each other girlfriend and boyfriend.
I have no intention to force him to go. However, I will be very disappointed if he doesn't, and I'm not going to hide that.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): You didn't mention if you were in an official relationship or not. Meeting family and going to events with family are something a guy does when he is committed or ready for commitment. Your guy probably isn't at that stage with you yet and don't try to force it.
It could be you had sex too prematurely..before finding out whether or not you were on the same page for something more serious. It' likely that may not be his agenda.
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (10 May 2011):
I understand that you would like him to come, however, he has made it clear that he doesn't want to. I know it does seem a bit strange, however I think you should respect his decision. You've only been together for a couple of months as well, so perhaps he feels it's a bit much, especially if he has anxiety issues.
I know graduation is important, but if you are going to have your family there then that's great. Presumably they've been there for you all the way through your studies rather than just a couple of months, so celebrate with them. You will still have a lovely day. Plus, you won't have to worry about whether your bf is all right or enjoying himself seeing as he has already said he doesn't want to go, and you'll be able to relax. I had an ex who was a bit like this, and I used to find myself worrying about whether he was all right rather than enjoying myself.
...............................
A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (10 May 2011):
 If he does indeed have anxiety related barriers, that should answer many of your questions. Being around all those people and meeting your parents presents a tremendous amount of stress.
Do ask him directly as in "last chance" if he is going to come. And remind him of how important it is to you for him to come. If he declines to extend you and your parents some respect and courtesey by investing one evening of his time at your graduation, do be very upset at him and do not cut him slack.
People with anxiety are oftentimes enabled by those around them and allowed to get away with behavior and decisions the rest of those out there would in no way get away with.
If you think of it in terms of him unintentionally using his anxiety to maintain control of the eliments in his life, things should start to make sense as to how desperate a situation those who experience severe anxiety have to deal with everyday. Still the world is not going to wait by for him and you need to make that clear.
...............................
|
