A
male
age
51-59,
*nquisitor
writes:Is this what letting go means?My 42 year old wife is about a month into an affair with a man 25 years older than her. I have seen their email correspondence and the level of emotional attachment is unbelievable. This whole thing hit me out of the blue, or rather was dumped on me out of the blue. But from the mail I can see that I am long, long gone out of her life emotionally.It is sad and there are reasons for it which would and could be worked on in therapy (I never cheated on her though). It's clear I was not filling her emotional needs and now she gets it from someone else. There's more to it but it takes me off topic.My wife and I are still making love through all this. The sex has become super intense, I suppose from my side over the thought of losing her and from her side over fantasizing over her lover. She really wants an open relationship right now. I can't help but wonder how open she would want it if I started bringing women home and bedding them in the same house where she is living.Our life situation is such that I am moving to another continent and taking my daughter with me. My wife will stay here for 6 months to be with her lover. She promises to come back at the end of this year. I sort of believe it because all her family is in the other country, as well her daughter will be too. For the mental sake of our daughter (11 years) my wife knows it would be a terribly crushing thing for her to be given a broken promise. I hope my wife is not so far gone as to do that, but I cannot predict the future.Just a couple of questions for those who have been in my shoes..(1) Am I screwing my own head by continuing to make love with my wife? Does this just make my own miserable existence worse? The sex is great right now, and of course since I have only just learned of the affair I don't have anyone else on the side. So from a purely physical point of view it is most convenient, but at what cost?(2) Sometimes I feel like if/when I make love to my wife I somehow feel cheap. There's no emotional attachment. It's not the same. So why do it?(3) The really big thing I noticed last night: We made love. She absolutely will not allow me to give her a hickey anywhere (no surprise I suppose). But I could honestly tell that - holy crap - my wife has gone from being a loving involved wife to just a friend with benefits. She has absolutely no emotional attachment to me right now. And in a really bizarre way I am kind of okay with that. Is this perhaps part of the recovery, or letting go? I get the feeling it is better for my soul if I let her go. I have to let her go, she is going to do this whether I like it or not. But getting to that stage is not easy. I do love her terribly. She is a good person who has been lead astray by a master manipulator. Doesn't excuse her affair, but even affairs happen in a context and for a reason. Right now I feel free to pursue other people. Perhaps this is rebound, I don't know. Gosh it sure would be good to hear from others who are at this stage of affair discovery..
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 I got to this "My wife will stay here for 6 months to be with her lover. She promises to come back at the end of this year." and I had to answer you without continuing to read....she will not be back. not if she does what I did.I loved my husband. I was pretty happily married. At least I thought I was.My husband is a good man. He loved me, worshiped me adored me. I took a lover with his knowledge and grudging approval. That was the beginning of November. In January I consummated the emotional affair with a physical affair. and that was the beginning of the end of my marriage.Our sex life improved incredibly between November and March when my husband moved out.... my marriage is over. I am with the man I had the affair with and he has become my life partner. We will be moving in together soon.My marriage was an "open" marriage. WE both had permission to have extramarital affairs. Yet we could not survive the emotional affair that led to this....BTW my current partner lives 2 hours away from me and an LDR is hard. Moving away from your wife while she's within distance of her affair partner, may just keep her with him long term. Of course I do not know if I would have made different choices had small children been involved. My youngest (a stepchild) was 18 when this all transpired.My husband took a partner while we were married with my approval and encouragement. I truly intended for both of us to have a fling and go back to being married to each other.He's engaged now to his new partner (our divorce is not even begun much less final but he and I have both moved on pretty much)... and yet we both are sad....
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (13 May 2011):
Hello again. No matter what happens, you and her are going to have to sit down and have a serious talk about where you go from here.
It seems very much up in the air at the moment, so there's a lot of uncertainty for you.
Also, your daughter needs some kind of stability in her life. You both owe her at least that.
Like another poster said here, just getting together for occasional (or regular) sex, doesn't really count as a full relationship. Certainly, not the way it should be anyway.
So in the meantime, have to think about what you want out of all this. Perhaps give it a timeframe - six months, before you decide to move on - or make up with her.
In any case, there will come a time where you will need to take control of this situation and make a decision. At the moment, you're in limbo. That's not a good place to be.
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A
male
reader, inquisitor +, writes (12 May 2011):
inquisitor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dorothy Dix, your comments really struck a chord with me. I think what you say is very true. I only hope I can restore some sort of communication with my wife. We have gotten so bad we can hardly even email to each other any more. I would never have believed a relationship I was involved with could have gotten so bad.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 May 2011):
Hi there. Good communication is very important in any relationship, otherwise you aren't both on the same page.
Communication is the way problems are dealt with and sorted out once and for all.
Perhaps you have not been the type of person who likes to share things with her, and just keeping them to yourself.
You might have been shutting her out without realizing it. Then it has become an unconscious habit over the years.
Quite often, men do just keep things to themselves, and not sharing themselves with their wives and family. It's so important to share your thoughts about things, especially thoughts that can affect the relationship as a whole.
Perhaps over the years, your wife hasn't mentioned it to you (that you don't share yourself much), and instead tried to ignore it like it doesn't exist - well until now, that is.
You know, it's never too late to start being more open with your wife about even small things. They all count. Never, ever give up - it's not too late.
You can just start out small, telling her interesting things that happened in your day, or some funny thing that someone said or did. You know what I mean. It's all sharing, believe me. You will get good at it in no time at all. It's just practise, that's all.
You will be starting a new habit - and a very positive one. And it will make a difference, I promise you.
Another important thing, is really listening to her when she talks to you. Sit opposite her in the lounge room, or stand near her in the kitchen and look right into her eyes as she speaks.
And don't interrupt her while she speaks, or don't try to finish her sentence for her - just listen, really listen. You would be surprised how much this means to be heard by someone close to you. It's SO important, you can't begin to imagine how much so.
If you listen to her, by sitting or standing right next to her and looking into her eyes completely undistracted, and don't interrupt her, and let her finish, she WILL do the same for you, I guarantee it.
Everyone wants to feel that they matter.
Unfortunately, our lives are all so busy these days, that we often talk by shouting across the room or even from opposite sides of the house! So what happens then, is words and parts of the conversation get missed altogether, and it all becomes rather impersonal. It's like it's not very important.
By impersonal, I mean that you are not face to face. After a while it starts to feel like you don't think that other person is important enough to speak to, side by side in the same room. Then a certain connection is lost.
It's so common, you just can't imagine.
So from now on when your wife starts talking to you from another room, don't shout back, just walk back into the same room, and look into her eyes and let her talk. Get into this habit every time, it's easy. Then do that all the time.
And yet another important thing, is to BE genuinely interested in your wife and her everyday life. Ask her about her day. For example - "How was your day today?" Then make sure that you DO listen to her as she speaks - without interruption - like I was saying earlier.
I believe that that's what your wife misses, and perhaps she has sought it out from somewhere else.
Another really nice thing to do (if you don't already), is when one of you goes off to work and comes home, to kiss each other and give them a nice little hug when you do. It does feel so nice and comforting. It really is special.
Get into the habit of a kiss and a little hug each time one of you goes to work or to do errands, and wave to them at the window when they drive off. It's little things like that, and they really count. They do mean a lot, believe me.
Yes, relationships are made up of a thousand tiny little things that we do, that when put together, have a HUGE impact on the relationship every single day - in a really positive way.
To do these things all the time time as a way of life, will make a big difference. It will fill that gap that your wife felt was missing from her life.
It probably is a gap in your life too, although you probably didn't realize it - until you start doing all those things.
Then exit, the affair.
Another thing for you both to consider, is having fun - perhaps taking up some interesting hobbies, things that really engage you. Both having your own hobbies, as well as some fun stuff you can do together.
Often when our lives get busy, we forget to have fun and then boredom sets in.
Lives all need passion, plus a sense of purpose, on a daily basis. Whether it be some volunteer work or helping people (purpose), creative pursuits - gardening, artistic, making things from raw materials (passion). These things are what put balance back into our lives and make life worthwhile getting out of bed for each morning. They really make a difference.
They are also much much better than drugs, alcohol, gambling or having affairs. All they are is escapes. They serve no other real purpose at all.
Fun and unpredictability. It's the key to happiness.
Do things together that you haven't done before - some newness. It breathes fresh air into any relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): (1) Am I screwing my own head by continuing to make love with my wife? Does this just make my own miserable existence worse?
Yes, you wife is living some kind of fantasy that is destructive, and you are helping her do it.
(2) Sometimes I feel like if/when I make love to my wife I somehow feel cheap. There's no emotional attachment. It's not the same. So why do it?
Because you don't respect yourself enough to not do it, and you are hoping that by doing this it will change something.
(3) The really big thing I noticed last night: We made love. She absolutely will not allow me to give her a hickey anywhere (no surprise I suppose).
She's not there, and is probably telling him that you and she are not "doing it" any more.
"I get the feeling it is better for my soul if I let her go."
Yes it is, at least let go of what you can't change.
"She is a good person who has been lead astray by a master manipulator."
No, more likely than not she is someone who is having a crisis in her life that you don't know about, he's probably not all that remarkable.
What you want to do, to be constructive, is read about affairs and what happens in them. They can burn out really fast. My wife had an affair, it burned out rather quickly, and burned her rather badly. Even in retrospect, knowing what I know today, she admits she was emotionally in such a bad place (depressed and very low self esteem) that there was nothing I did, or did not do, that caused her to go off, and the other man was not all that much in the end. She ended it, and came back, and worked hard to understand why she did it, failing at that for years, and years, and not until she had confessed did she start making progress but that also took a long time and professional help.
"It's clear I was not filling her emotional needs and now she gets it from someone else"
Sure, that is true in part, but she's actually getting it from more people, you, him, and your daughter, and it isn't enough. It is because of her problems that she is doing this, not because of your problems. Perchance she tells you, and everyone else, that you are a champion asshole, but still she is only having the affair because of herself...nobody makes you have an affair, divorce is always an option in western countries anyway.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (25 April 2011):
 Well, I've been at that "stage" more than I enjoy recalling. Whether ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, there has, for me, too often been what I call ongoing "conjugal visits." For myself, one and most recent (15 years) after a 20 year marriage ended. Very recent girlfriend breakups have since been easy to conclude. In other words, just continuing to get together on occasion for sex, but long after "love" has essentially or mostly evaporated, really just perpetuates pain.After quite a number of such long, drawn-out breakups, it became obvious to me that, although rather painful, it is really more emotionally liberating to cut-off the superficial carnal activity and move on - soon as possible.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 April 2011):
 I don't think this other guy is the manipulator! She'll do whether you like it or not??? Who's wife is she? Your 11 year old, I promise you that unless she is severely handicap, knows more about what's going on that you two don't realize. You are teaching her 1. mom's behavior is okay, and 2. your allowing it is okay. So the outcome is....The child you love WILL be hurt. That sir it will be inevitable if this continues. You are, right now, teaching your child what's acceptable in marriage. I know, "we don't tell her what's going on." That doesn't matter one bit. Children are tuned in to knowing when mom and dad are loving and when they are disconnected. I can tell you, I've heard more times than I can count how the child knows their parent's aren't dong okay, even when they cover it up with a mask acting as if they are. Even if she doesn't say anything, she can see right through that mask. Is that how you want her to grow up? Do you want her to just settle for whatever happens, even if it means giving up herself or what she feels she may deserve? How long are you going to play your wife's game. You know, she's the manipulator. She's manipulating you into allowing her to pursue desires with other guys, as you just sit back and allow it to happen. If I were you I'd let her know that there are two options. (1) you two seek counseling (alone and together), and begin working on the issues in your marriage. (2) Tell her you two will be moving, and you'll be serving her with divorce papers. I say this because I have been right where you are, and learned some major lessons before taking control of how I allow others to treat me. My ex-wife, I though was 7 affairs, but after our divorce I found out it was 12. But like you, "if I hold on things may get better," was what I believed. Not true. Reason being, It is impossible to work on or save a marriage, where one or both individuals are seeking to fill a void outside the marriage. I can also say my kids are happier with my being a single, than they would be if I had remained married to their mom. While we were trying to save our marriage, she was still running around having affairs. In doing so, our ability to see positive results by trying was null. In reading your question it seems like you feel you don't deserve better than what's been been doing. You are, and your daughter deserves for you to live that truth. It's simple, tell her, "If that's what you want, being married to me cannot be what you want. I know it's hard to hear that, but I am someone who will tell you truthfully, even if the truth is not what you want to hear. It comes down to this. Whatever decision you make will affect you. You need to decide if you want it to be one that will empower you as an individual and a family, or one that will dis-empower you as this situation already has. Whichever decision it is, will ultimately have similar affect for your daughter as well. I wish your family the best. I hope this helps. If you need a place to start, to search and begin heading in the right direction, the "...,my own miserable existence...", view of your life has to change.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 Whatever you do now your head and heart will be screwed somehow. I think it's part of letting go, part of hoping she will love you again. Letting go means being fine with any outcome. 1. A divorce in the future. 2. Continuing this open relationship thing, whether you have other women or not. 3. Her coming back to you, wanting to develop an emotional connection with you again. After she comes back there is no guarantee that she won't start an affair with another guy. She must have made one decision being that she had given up on you regarding emotional intimacy. Such a heartless thing for her to do to not even care about your feelings. She could be staying in the marriage until your daughter becomes an adult. If that's the case you can let her go. Your daughter is 11 years old so that 7 more years is not going to make a big difference. Your daughter will feel so bad knowing that you are screwing with your head for the sake of her happiness, which is a lie of an intact family. Next time you are in bed talk about it. What's the point of continuing what you are doing?
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