A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey,My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago- but we've had this back and forth thing where he'll call me every 2-3 months (drunk and sober) saying that he misses me, that i scare the shit out of him. There's an age difference between us I'm 25 and He's 22. He is dating someone new who is 19. I didn't fit in with his friends. She does. And she knows all of them, so it kinda makes sense, but there is this crazy attraction between us where we kinda know we should be together, but he's fighting it. Anyway, that's kinda what i think.Anyway, i have his jacket. The last time he called me was about a month ago- said the same things and then later said he was drunk. So, i wrote him an email asking him to stop calling me bc i don't want to be his back up plan or his second choice and that he needs to let me go. Problem is, i don't want him to let me go bc i love him.I have his jacket. He gave it to me a year ago, he travels a lot-so he gave it to me to help when I was missing him. I was thinking of returning it with a little note on it like thanking him for letting me have it.Should I go ahead and do that?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Because I am a dirtball, just the sweet and caring kind... Get me on the right topic and it shines through gloriously! lol
Thanks for saying you respect me. I appreciate it. By the way, lots of people here call me DB instead (if that helps at all).
Sorry for hijacking your thread OP. I'm glad you've come to a decision here. It can be hard accepting decisions that aren't made by us, but sometimes that's all we can do. I wish you the best and I hope you find someone who appreciates you more than this guy did.
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female
reader, FaddedDay  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Good, I'm happy for you, the sooner you move on and forget about him, the better.
@dirtball: I don't find it offensive, its just strange calling someone that I respect by such a ... disrespectful name. How in the world did you wind up with such a screen name anyway?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 April 2011):
LMAO! If you think my actual screen name is offensive, you should see how some people have twisted it over my time here...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you guys are right and I want to thank you for all the help. I'm going to give him back his jacket. He wasn't like this when I met him. He was honestly, perfect. He was a total like leader and take charge and talked so seriously about us, but this was before his friends came back in the picture. About 12 months into our relationship. Then he began to hang out with them more and more and i was pushed away. letting go is always easier said than done tho. I really hope nothing but the best for him. I never say an ill word about him. Especially because i love him and I know how great he can be, because he was. It just boggles my mind how someone can change so quickly, like- from being all about us, to...um, turning me into some kind of hook up. like devaluing what we had. I told him that i thought his relationship with this girl was a joke and it's like he's out to prove me wrong, he's very very stubborn. I've let him go twice. So this will be the third time. I never thought he'd hurt me so much, ya know. I like saw myself with him. And we were really good together. He made me so happy. but I guess it is what it is.
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female
reader, FaddedDay +, writes (19 April 2011):
What 'dirtball' (sorry if it sounds offensive, its his screen name) says is correct. This guy is obviously a very pathetic specimen, who still isn't completely out of his teenage diapers. You sound like you're a woman who deserves so much better than being second. its true, you are set, and your being set makes you independant. I think you should give him the jacket, give him the note, block his phone number, and get on with your life, because from here, it looks like he's the only thing (both psychologically and physically) thats keeping you from taking your first steps towards your bright and happy future.
Oh and remember, its not about fitting with his friends, it's about fitting with him. So in your next relationship, if the guy is easily controlled by his friends, he's not good boyfriend material. Being easily controled can lead to being influenced towards abusive beahviour towards you, and thats definately something that you don't want ... and as your agony aunts/uncles, something we don't want as well :)
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male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 Okies, sorry, i got a wee bit confused by the reply. Its him that needs to sort his head out then. This is probably going to sound a wee bit harsh but this leads me to conclude he is actually a touch immature; not just his attitude to the relationship which is a little that way but his inability to break from the influence of his friends and make his own mind up. He is seeking refuge in this immaturity because he has a deep-rooted fear response which is gripping him. You seem very mature and have your head screwed on and a sense of direction. In fact, you say yourself your 'wifey' material and this giggly girl obviously isnt; that just reinforces that basic point that its not really you as a person that scares him but more what your represent, responsibility, committable, etc. As the mature one, who has all this, your basic decision is are you willing to try and sort his head out? I suspect he's with her as a reaction to being hurt by you; a classic rebound. Having said all that and now feeling a little mean spirited, the question is how to sort it out. I think your theory that subtly will work is wrong in my eyes. I think it will whizz straight over his head and he will dash to the more obvious logical conclusion which is that your telling him to get lost basically. This is especially true since you already have with regard to the phone calls. Having now said all of that, the way you deal with his fear is to tackle its route cause. Most likely to my mind would be a broken parental relationship. However, you would know better than us about where his fear stems from.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 April 2011):
You seriously need to let this guy go. He's showing a pattern that isn't about to change. Next time he calls, ignore it. You don't have to answer if YOU don't want to.
Why perpetuate this failed relationship further?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't want the commitment. I want to be with him. I love him. He has ended it with me twice. But now he is with her and still calls me. I have told him that i care about him, that he's so silly to be so scared. And then the call will end. I'll call him the next day, and he says, "i'm sorry, i had been drinking." He's done that three times now. So i asked him to please stop calling me, to delete my number because i don't want to be his second choice or his back up plan. It isn't fair for me to keep putting my life on hold. I keep waiting for him to come around, but his friends are a big big influence on him and i think he likes being a party boy with them, I'm not a party girl, i have my stuff together. I work in a professional position, have my own money, car, house, etc and it can be intimidating. When you look at me, I look like wifey material. He's no where near as set as I am, so i think he feels 1) intimidated by me. 2) wants to party with his friends. 3) knows he loves me, but is scared. So, he's with this 19 yrs old fits with their group, where he can be "alpha male" and she's all giggly with him. I'm hoping maybe giving the jacket back with a little note on it will jog his memory, but at this point i don't know. I'm not scared to be with him. He's scared to be with me. Everytime i try to get thru to him he goes, "stop, i don't want to talk serious right now."
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (19 April 2011):
Age difference? There is barely any? OK, so he wants the commitment and you dont? But then you make out like you *do*. Well then it's you who has a choice to make, because it seems to me you're using excuses to avoid committing, like the age thing. Three years is a nothing gap, I think the average is something like four. Did he dump you? Yes, in answer to your question I think it will be final. He will see it symbolically as the final severance. As to your confusion well, I don't agree with people on here who say this is finished. It obviously isn't because there is no real reason to be accept that you both have deep seated insecurities about making a long term and deep commitment to the other, so you both found it easier in some ways to end it, rather than confront your own insecurities. What really needs to happen is for one of you to work on those insecurities. Do you have any idea of what may have caused your insecurities?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI scare him bc there is an age difference between us. I'm not a party girl. I'm a nice girl. And when you look at me, i don't look like a party type of girl, I look like- too sweet, and too perfect. like marriage material because i have all my stuff together. I've told him i'm not ready to settle down, but it's in his head that i am. I didn't fit it with the friends. I could feel it that they didn't like me and they wanted him with their 19yr old friend who was sorta of like a third wheel almost (cause the rest of them are all dating each other) i don't know any of them, she's always known all of them, so she fits. i love him. I don't want to lose him, but i feel like i have in some ways. He calls me still- every 2 or 3 months to say how much he misses me, that i scare him, that he's such a dirtbag for not being with me, etc. And then literally I'll hear nothing from him for months. I wrote him an email asking him to delete my number after the last time bc it hurts that he doesn't want me or goes back and forth with deciding or being "really confused." I love the jacket, but i can't tell if it will be final or if it will jog his memory. I don't know what I want to do because the answers on this board are kinda mixed messages.
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A
female
reader, FaddedDay +, writes (18 April 2011):
Return it, it can be a form of closure for the both of you. The note is a good idea; thank him for the memories. You'll probably find that as soon as you let go of the jacket, you'll find it easier to let go of him as well, since there won't be something that constantly reminds you of him with its physical presence. Giving back the jacket says that you don't want to miss him anymore, and that you don't want to remember him anymore, so if he has sense, he'll stop calling.
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (18 April 2011):
The real question has nothing to do with the jacket at all but whether you should let go of this relationship.Before id answer that one conclusively id like a bit more info. Why do you scare him? My feeling is that there is some commitment phobia on his side here. Friends are friends. They can accept your partner or not but in the last analysis they dont get a vote let alone a casting vote as its your life. My feeling is that bit is you trying to talk yourself out of wanting him.
I think you need to think long and hard before you do this. You need to think whether the issues are insurmountable. I'm far from convinced by this that they are and that there is utterly no way back here. You have to bear in mind that if you both come to an unclean end without resolving your feelings your potentially going to draw others into your mess. He seems to already have. If you do give the jacket back it will be final most likely so rather than ask yourself that question you need to ask yourself what went wrong and can it be fixed? Let us know and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): Definitely give it back and draw a line under the whole thing. If he wanted to be with you, he would.
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female
reader, catcher00 +, writes (18 April 2011):
Nope. I don't think you should return it. I think it'll fuel the fire you feel for him.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 April 2011):
Yeah, I'd return it. It might help you let go of the relationship as well. It will be for the best.
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