A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago, i became friendly with a local girl who moved over here. She was stunningly good looking and way out of my league, and i found out she had a boyfriend who'd gone to australia for a year. But as we became friends i found out she liked me and we started seeing each other, and sleeping together. I convinced her to go on a break with her boyfriend, who i'm told is coming back in January. So we got closer and closer, and i liked her more as time went on. But recently she began to be a little distant. Then she avoided me last weekend and when i saw her after she said that no matter what she loves her boyfriend in australia and plans to move in with him when he comes back. So she said she wants to see me less so it wont be so hard for me, and she wants me to consider seeing other girls. So we both got really upset about it that night, and spent the next day together. I plan to see her again this weekend, but i cant stop thinking about the fact that im always gonna be second to her boyfriend. At the same time I really really like her and i know for a fact i wont find someone as good as her. I know i'll probably just get hurt if we keep this up but is it not worth it on the off chance that she completely falls for me and choses me? I dont feel her boyfriend feels as strongly for her as she does for him, as he broke up with her for 6 months and then got back with her a month before he left for australia. Its as if he just wants something to come back to. But it really hurts seeing him write to her and call her from time to time. I told her i dont think i could stop seeing her,and she said she doenst think she could stop seeing me either, so what do i do? keep it up and hope by the time he returns she wants me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I agree with 88jane sadly.. sadly because I am in the same predicament. I for one should have known better to not get involved with a girl that already has someone no matter the circumstances.
1) even if she is only seeing you, while the boyfriend is out of town, long distance, or whatever the circumstances may be.. you are STILL second choice because she is NOT choosing you. That can't feel good inside. I know because it doesn't!
2) what about the other guy? who cares how bad he might be! You are feeling horrible about the situation because she is not choosing you, yet you are ok with causing potential pain to him without giving it second thought?
3) she is cheating on him with you... there is no other way to look at it. If she has a boyfriend and she is sleeping with you, well then - that is cheating, no way to could avoid that. Honestly, how can you think she won't do it again? What she won't do it again because she was cheating WITH you? As in she wouldn't do that to ME! Sorry to say, but since she can't choose you over her BF, then apparently you are not that special. She'll cheat again.. so in the long run, is it even worth it to wait.
ugh... after all that, i still don't feel any better. It's just simple. I won't be second to anyone.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): Hi im, the person who asked the question. Thanks everyone for your replies, although i did expect everyone to say drop her. Firstly it may have come across as me totally being someone who sleeps around, not caring that some guy is getting cheated on, but trust me im actually a nice person and i wouldnt do something intentionally to hurt anyone. Its true that i dont know her boyfirend and what he's thinking, but i do know from friends that they had broken up for 6 months, during which stage she was totally depressed and heartbroken and he was being a total - not nice guy - to her. Then the month before he leaves for a year, he gets back with her. Before he left they agreed that they were allowed to be with other people during the year, although they both said they didnt want to. And then people started advising her to enjoy the year and be with who she wants cos he's most likely doing the same win australia. And let me repeat when we started hooking up she went on a break with him. So no i dont think she is "cheating" on him when she's with me. If i stop being with her it will totally not be out of pity for her boyfriend, hes definately not staying faithful in australia,and at one stage he didnt call her for over a month. Apparently he's only started paying attention in her again since i've come along. From my point of view, I know being second is horrible, but the thought of not hanging out with her at all is definately a worse option. And who's to say in the next few months i wont change her mind? i know if i asked her to chose between us now she wouldnt chose me. But i think life's far too short to stop doing something for fear of being hurt. If he does coem back early with a ring, well and good, i'll leave her alone forever. But as long as she still wants to see me, i'll still see her. At least until college begins again in september and i actually have a social life again.
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A
male
reader, daglish  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Variety is what everybody dies for today in the world of democracy. This has too come with disadvantages. Sit down and weigh the gains of continuing in such a relationship against the risks of this act. My stand would be that; having tasted what this woman is inside,that should leave you enough memories to last you the rest of yuor life. This means that coffin this deadly game and move on coz you dont want nobody to ever do the same thing you...screwing another hommies wife is sweet BUT the day somebody nails yours, you will see heaven..
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 1) You have no idea how her boyfriend feels about her. Have you spoken to him? Met him?
2) You are the OTHER MAN. Stop doing another man's woman.
3) With the mind set that you wont find anyone else as good as her you WONT find anyone as good as her because you have made her the standard and ALL people are different.
Hun, leave her be. She has a man. He may even come home EARLY and surprise her with an engagement ring. And where does that leave you? It leaves you pissed at them and your heart busted over the rejection. She is telling you now so it is your responsibility to deal with it and move on.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 You don't want to be second choice. Well...you were second to arrive. She wasn't looking. You knew that and tried to change things. Now you're belly aches because you've realized that you opened a can of worms. Worms stink !
Leave her alone and try to find a woman who's available to date. Then, this won't happen. Of course you have feelings and she validated them by being with you, but, you knew it was wrong. Also, don't try to judge the boyfriend to strengthen your case. You don't know what he's thinking.
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A
female
reader, 88jane  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 well firstly i have to say that it was wrong of you to become involved with this girl when she was in a relationship with someone else--how would you feel if you were the boyfriend and you found out your girlfriend cheated on you while you were away! you really need to see it from another point of view! im sorry to sound old fashioned and lecture you but this is something close to my heart that i feel very strong about! ok all i really have to say is, and i know you are not going to want to hear this but, if she is becoming distant with you and saying that she wants to go back to being with her boyfriend then this tells me that she doesnt feel as strongly for you as you do for her! if she did then she would choose you! but it sounds as though she has chosen the other guy! you dont deserve to live your life in second place to this other guy--you should never settle for second place! i think that the only thing you can really do is tell this woman that she has to decide who she wants to be with, she cant have both of you! this will give her the choice---you or him----if she chooses him then you have to stick by what you said and leave her and start getting on with your life (and there are people out there as good as her, trust me you just havent found them yet)! if she chooses you then great you got the result you wanted but you may always have the doubt in the back of your mind that she will cheat on you too! once a cheater always a cheater!!This is a tricky situation and is one that is going to take a lot of thought, however there is really only 2 things that could happen!think about what you want to do! good luck and keep us updated! xxxx
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