A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just have a few questions. First of all, let me say that I'm in a wonderful relationship and we have lots of fun together. All right, recently my boyfriend has stoped telling me that he loves me. His 24 year old cousin and Grandmother think that he is stupid for saying it this early. [Though, it's been almost 3 months.] I do really think that he cares for and loves me. I had just gotten out of a relationship and it was, at the best, horrible. I was with the guy for about 2 and 1/2 years, but I felt obligated and guilty. Well, after talking to my boyfriend about how I had sex with the guy, we got deeper into the conversation and we realized that everytime that I had sex with the other guy, it was actually rape. This guy was about 3 times my size and held me down and no matter how much I struggled, didn't stop. Afterwards, I felt like I was obligated to let him do that. My boyfriend is extremely upset by this, but since I don't want to press charges because it happened so long ago, that he will just leave it be. I'm just wondering why when me and my boyfriend start getting really heated, that I sometimes have flashes in my mind. My boyfriend realizes this and says that the moment I feel uncomfortable, we can stop. I just want to know if I should be worried that he isn't saying that he loves me anymore even though he expresses it.
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female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp  +, writes (15 July 2007):
 If your boyfriend is expressing his love for you then I think you are a very lucky girl because most men will just tell their lover they love them but these are just words! As long as he is making you feel loved then that should be enough until he feels he is ready to actually say the words, after all it is early days yet.
As for the ex boyfriend issues, i think you need to go and see your doctor and see if he can put you into some sessions with a councellor to sort these things out. You're boyfriend is being brilliant by supporting you and understanding how you're feeling but if you can't get past it by yourself and with his help then perhaps you need to ask some professionals the advice. Like you said, after a while the sex or rape as it is more like with your ex became something you just got used to, I think that maybe this shows that you haven't moved on from it yet and have grieved, for lack of a better word.
A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (15 July 2007):
 it is completely normal for girls who have had experiences like yours to have flashbacks - esp wen in a similar situation with a new guy. i think that it is amazing that you have a guy that is so understanding, patient and respectful of your fears and feelings. instead of going straight for sex with him, why not try other things? such as oral, foreplay etc, this might ease you into feeling more comfortable with him and you will also get to know eachothers bodies. as for him not saying he loves you all the time - his actions speak louder than words ever could. he shouldnt have to say it for you to know it and from wat you have said you are with a guy that loves you very deeply! if you keep getting these flashbacks, maybe you could try talking to someone? just to try and get past it i hope this helps, feel free to email xxx
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A
female
reader, kristinakutie +, writes (15 July 2007):
 hah i know i just answered this, but i just also remember something.. maybe when you get those flashbacks, dont let him know it, or do let him know you are having one, and maybe the only way to get over having those flashbacks, would be to fight them, and just do it wit your bf and maybe it'll stop them from coming.. it'll maybe overcome your flashbacks...
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A
female
reader, kristinakutie +, writes (15 July 2007):
well, maybe thats just one of those things that you need to help eachother thru.. i mean, he is probably hurting for you because he loves you and that happened to you, the girl he loved.. and hes probably having trouble excepting that.. and you, you are probably feeling so guilty about how you are making him feel maybe.. and you are maybe still having trouble excepting the fact that you were raped.. or maybe thats not it, maybe its that you are trying so hard not to remember it, that you are remembering it.. i know that doesnt make sense, but it really does.. just sit him down, and tell him how you feel.. and then ask him how he really feels about what happened you.. in detail, dont just let him get off with some tiny answer.. dont let him leave until you feel he is being completely honest.. and you need to be completely honest with him, about how all this is effecting you.. its not just his time to tell you how he feels, its also yours too.. but maybe he needs it more than you do rite now, and maybe you could let him go first... to see if maybe that is going to help you understand what he is going thru.. well i wish you luck =] and i'm sorry that, that happened to you.. long time ago or not, you seem like a pretty strong person.. good luck with your bf..
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