A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am at a loss! I am in agony right now! I did something very bad and I know it. But he did something worse. My boyfriend accidentally left his email up on the computer and I know I should have just logged it out and ignored it. But I didnt. I snooped. I looked at his old emails and found that several months ago he met a girl in a bar. I had seen her email at his house right after he met her and he imediately assured me that it wasnt someone he was interested in. He had only gotten her email because after chatting with her awhile she expressed interest in going boating with us and he wanted to be able to invite her to join us. But when I saw the emails I found that he was lying. In the emails he wrote to her that he had told her thing he didnt tell even some of his closest friends, that he felt she was a kindred spirit, that she had the most amazing smile and that he couldt stop smiling for days after meeting her and wished he could have talked to her all night long. He also invited her out for dinner repeatedly. Not once did he mention in the 3 emails that he had a girlfriend. Not once. She said she would like to go out for dinner, but only as a friend. So she wasnt interested in him. He then directed her to his other email address and I havent seen that account to know if the correspondance went farther or if they ever did go out for dinner. I am devestated!! He was cheating on me! Even if the relationship never took off, that wasnt due to him, it was only because SHE wasnt interested. If she had been interested who knows how far this would have gone. Just because it didnt go anywhere(well who knows if it didnt, in this email account it didnt go far, but I dont know the truth. Do I?!) is no credit to him. It isnt that it didnt go anywhere because he wasnt interested, or because he was loyal to me. It didnt go anywhere ONLY because she rejected him! UGH!!!! I feel sick to my stomache! But how do I confront him on this? To confront him I have to admit that I was snooping and I know that was very wrong. I shouldnt have snooped. I know that. But obviously I had good reason to snoop and not trust him. What do I do? By the way, in the last several months he has been extrememly good to me. We have not had a bad relationship lately, in fact it has been wonderful! Do I just let this go because things are great NOW? This little 'affair' happened in September. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): I am so sorry. It happened yesterday to me. I just rekindled with an ex after 2 months of separation. I originally broke up with him when he said he never wanted to get married (he's 38, I am 33). Then I missed him and we started seeing each other again last week. Last night he came over and when he left I found his work email still open. I snooped.
I found correspondence with a girl in Costa Rica (we live in Los Angeles and we are both Caucasian). The letters were in Spanish and they date back to the time when we were dating, when he was working hard to let me know he really liked me even though I had doubts about him because everyone said he was a player. They say I love you to each other, they say "I can't wait to see you in Costa Rica for Christmas and make love to you". He told me that for Christmas he was going to see his family in Florida,but he went to see her.
I confronted him about it and he lied, said it wasn't true, until he figured out I knew really everything, that I must have snooped. He then proceeded to accuse me that I shouldn't snoop, that I can't be trusted, that I like drama and that's why I ruined all my other relationships, that I am no victim.
He did apologize, but he wasn't sorry. He is only sorry he got caught. He said he didn't want to talk about it anymore, because now everything is ruined.
He is right.
I am ashamed that I snooped, but if I hadn't I would have had serious heartbreak in the long run.
I think that if you have real love in your life, you would never find the need to be inquisitive. Things happen because they have to happen.
We all have to hang on to that.
Love never makes you suffer. It's its absence that hurts like hell.
A
female
reader, carebear  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 Girls
I was with my ex for 18yrs I thought I knew him? he lied to my face not just once but all throuhg his cheating it had been going on a yr I ask he denied. I checked couln't get proof name of g/f under his male cousins name in phone LIE when i did find out him & g/f said they were just PALS!!!! she had been in my house for gods sake!So what you snooped you did so for a reason & you found the truth confront him or not he looks you in the face everyday & LIES TO YOU what more do you need to know dear I know its hard but face it now or you will regret it
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Carebear makes a very good point - yes, he has lied about the girl online - but the question is what to do with that fact now. Since then, it sounds like he's turned a corner, as the relationship has been 'wonderful. So for me the issue is, although he definitely lied, is it worth trashing the whole relationship because of that, if he made a mistake and now has moved on? And confronting him means admitting the snooping, which is another form of lying, really, isn't it? So he's hidden his online conversation, and the poster has hidden her snooping.
It would I guess be best to have it all out in the open, but there is a risk it will mean he never trusts her again - he feels he hasn't got his privacy any more. That can really undermine a relationship. The only way to do it is say you found the emails by accident, somehow. But given how you feel, yes, maybe you do need to have it out with him. Be brave.
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (14 March 2008):
Hi poster
Am I missing something here also advice from natasia but these guy are LYING!! what more do you need to know!!!? If they lie about one thing they can LIE about more. maybe my standards are too high or I just can't stanf LIARS but c'mon ladies you are not teens this is your life these guys are messing with. I personally couldn't stand to be with someone that could see me everyday look me in the eye and LIE to me with no problem!!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (13 March 2008):
I'm going to give you some different advice. I know where you're at, because I did the same - snooped, actually expecting to find nothing, and was shocked at what I found. Mine was only slightly different in that I snooped on his correspondence with the mother of his previous two children (I am about to have his third child ...) - he had told me he was effectively separated from her, but turns out NOT AT ALL! Far from it! However, just to put you in the picture that I know about the snooping guilt, and the horror of discovery. OK, my advice is this:SNOOPING- The only reason it's bad is because it hurts YOU - not him. He shouldn't have been sending that kind of stuff, and he doesn't deserve 'privacy' if that's what he's using it for. Snooping is an awful, increasingly addictive thing, and it eats you up - better not to know, I think. I snooped because he was being suddenly so awful to me, and I had suspicions - I think I probably needed to know what I found out. But I still somehow wish I hadn't snooped.SO: don't feel bad, but don't do it again - it's a very bad habit.WHAT TO DO NOWFor now, I don't think you should confront him, or leave him. If this happened a while back and he is now being wonderful towards you, maybe he changed his mind??? Maybe, just maybe, he tested his commitment to you and decided it's you he really wants, and now appreciates you much more. I would think this:- If he's being so nice, that's great - enjoy it- If he was infatuated with someone else, he can't be now, or he honestly wouldn't be able to be the way he is with you - there would be some signs of rejection of youAnd this is what I think you should do:- Test the limits of his current commitment to you. Talk about the future. How does he see it? With you? Does he want to be together 'forever'? And talk to him about fidelity. Give a scenario similar to what's happened and ask what he thinks. But DON'T confront him directly, because you leave him very little place to go, and also because the way you sound, you'd spend most of the time apologising for the snooping. I think it sounds like he's worth keeping. I don't think he's having some torrid affair - I think he wants to be with you. The one thing you can ask him is if you can trust him. If he says yes and continues to be lovely to you, well, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Forget his stupid emails. If he really wanted her and not you, he wouldn't be with you now. He'd have voted with his feet.Best of luck ...
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (8 March 2008):
 I don't think you should feel bad about looking at his e-mail, looking at your spouses e-mails, texts is no issue, if they have nothing to hide, why should there be a problem? my husband could look at my e-mails etc it would not bother me in the slightest. E-mails and texts make it so easy to cheat nowadays, i have seen on this site many times how a lot of people have this problem. You need to confront your b/f/ about what you have seen as it does not look good on his part at all. He was certainly after this girl, whether anything happened or not, he was interested in her and that is the problem here. Speak to him and if you feel that you cannot trust him then end it, you don't want to continually be wondering what he is up to, that is no life. I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 March 2008):
 If things are great now , you have more reasons to NOT let those issues cropped up.
What is your purpose and what will be the consequences?
Will it serve any purpose or will it break up the good rhythm you have now.
You want the truth from him but at what cost?
You only want to validate your feelings but what will happen to your relationship?
Will you be drawing him closer to you or will you be pushing him away from you?
What is the point of bringing up what happened in the past?
Count your cost before you want to confront him.
Can you pay the price?
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (8 March 2008):
 Just tell him in a calm voice that you know what he has been doing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): why do you think it was such a "sin" to read his email?
he left it out in plain view- you didn't hack into his account. Legally, anything in plain view is open for inspection.
you didn't do anything wrong.
stop stressing out about how you found out.
in fact, when you confront him- you do not have to explain yourself. just ask him this:
- what's going on between you and XXX.
if he says nothing, say
- don't lie to me. i know all about it. (and then bring up little details that you read in the emails- to make your story more credible.)
he'll be scared.
-either he will tell you everything.
or if he doesn't tell you, then forget him- he was never going to tell you anyway.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 March 2008):
 Sometimes people make "mistakes" that reveal their indiscretions in the hope that the other person will "accidentally" come upon them. This might have happened in this case, though it's not sure.
Snooping is wrong, yes, but that's not the issue here. His cheating is.
You're right in saying that he cheated on you. He was after her. It seems it didn't go anywhere, but you don't know that for sure. You do know that it wasn't because he didn't try.
I think you should bring it up, and you should say how you knew. If you don't, he will evade the matter. Very likely he will evade it anyways, but don't make it any easier.
I detect an inconsistency. You say your relationship has been great lately, yet you snooped. I believe you must have had a reason for snooping. Perhaps this kind man isn't his usual self, and that made you suspect him?
It could be that he cheated on you and now is sorry, and he is sort of making up for his bad action. But, to be honest, I wouldn't stay with that person. Your situation isn't any different from the usual case in which a spouse cheats on the other for as long as the cheater can get away with it. Some horrible times a very pleasant person is one who doesn't want us to check what they are doing. They will give something you want in order to get what they want.
You obviously love him, but I think that how much you love him is not the important thing here. Whether you can trust him is. Your update goes in this line, too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): Stop, you stated he is your boyfriend and not your fiance or husband. Unless you both have a firm commitment to each other these thing will happen. I am not saying it is right or wrong it is just reality. If you bring it up to him you will most likely wind up in a confrontation. Think about it, he will be forced to defend himself and what do you actually hope to accomplish. If you really distrust him and feel the relationship is doomed then move on. If you are confident in yourself and believe he is lucky to have you forget about his apparent lapse in judgement. You said he has been very good to you lately and maybe you should consider that he realizes how good he has it with you. maybe his little cyber fling set thing right in his head. The reality is you have no idea if he did something terrible or something just a little off course. Appreciate what you have and see where it all takes you. I believe nothing good will come out of confronting him. It sounds like he wants you and I suggest you leave it at that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): Mmm, you really have two problems.
First is the "snooping". I have mixed views about this, a full relationship needs to be open and honest, you can't snoop unless the other is hiding something.
I never close my email and if my GF wants to read it, well why not? Nothing I need or want to hide from her there. Yes, we all got personal stuff but that should be PERSONAL stuff, cheating on someone isn't personal.
I would almost go as far as saying you have a right to know this information. Far to many people seem to want to use privacy as a means to hide their lies. Sorry that don't work for me, HIS affairs are YOUR business. It depends on how deep the relation is, but in a steady long-term relationship asking others out for a date is NOT privileged information in my eyes.
Granting each other privacy in a relationship but it needs to be certain that the private things do NOT harm the other.
Basically I think the problem occured before you snooped, he had something to hide from you. If he had nothing to hide, you could not have snooped. So basically I wouldn't tear myself up over this, the relationship was already rotten.
As for what it means that he asked her out, well, you figured it out, he wanted, she said no. What happens next time when a girl says yes?
If you believe in a monogamous relationship and are unwilling to live with a partner who isn't, then you really got no choice but to end this.
Trust should NOT be tested. Yes if you promised not to read his email you broke a promise but so did he by asking another girl out. Blaming yourselve for this makes no real sense. It sounds almost as if you want to blame yourselve for finding out. But if he had done nothing you would have found out nothing. You were suspicious and confirmed your worsed fears.
Ask yourselve this, if in the future you never ever read his emails again, will you ever stop doubting that he isn't trying to cheat on you again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been crying on and off all day about this. I know I am going to need to confront him. I did ask, the other day when I found the emails, if he had ever cheated on me. I told him that cheating was not just sleeping with or kissing another woman. I went on to say that I considered cheating to be pursueing another woman, going out to dinner with her, and trying to start a "friendship" to "see if this is something worth pursueing". He told me no, he hadnt cheated. I know he isnt being honest! But, yeah, it is grating on me. I have to get it out! I have to confess my sin of snooping. I admit that was wrong! But the real issue here is his cheating and me not being able to trust him. How many others have there been? Is she the only one? We are going to go to Florida together in less than 2 weeks. A family vacation with my 2 kids. I cant go on a trip with this hanging over me!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): I have the same similar problem to you, I snooped and it was the worse thing I ever did. They like to led a secret life without us knowing. I signed up to a faceparty account and was just browsing around for my friends. I found out that in December he had been messaging a 47 year old woman off faceparty and had a picture of her in his drawer. Anyways I questionned him about as found me snooping on his PC and I knew I shouldn't have done it but I wanted to know whether he did go and meet up.
Couple months passed and know he has started doing it again. I know he wouldn't go and meet them he not the type to do that but still it defetes the object of having a relationship. Have I driven him away to internet chat rooms or has he gone off me? His feelings haven't changed towards me and there is no odd behaviour. Please help am making myself ill thinking about.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 March 2008):
 You should bring it up. It's not for glory in busting him. It's so you can move on with or without him. You can't go on always wondering. You found the truth, and this needs to be discussed so your agony and pain don't grow. Then you'll start suspecting him every time any woman walks within eyes distance.
As far as his leaving his email open. You're right snooping is wrong, but if what was in the email wasn't in there, you wouldn't have an issue right now. If he was honest and faithful it would have been that way. In the past when I would date, if I was expecting an important email, I'd ask my girl friend if she wouldn't mind checking it for me to see if it arrived. I don't mind because I don't hide anything.
If it were me, I'd be sending the cheater packing. I would do so because I look at the act, and the affect it has on others. You've said how you feel right now. So someone you love who claims to love you took part in actions that caused you to hurt this bad. Cheating is also selfish and self serving and a complete disregard for the partner in the relationship.
Now when talking to him, be strong. It's okay to work on things, but you need him to know where you stand. Are you willing to accept this treatment repeating. If not, let him know that. You have the right to be treated how you feel you need too, and you also have the right to not associate with anyone who goes against it. Don't let him at all turn the tables on you. He needs to take responsability for these actions. I was with someone once years ago who tried to blame me for her actions. I'd simply tell her, "nope, sorry, didn't happen, try again." Then I'd tell her, "I'll be in the room, when you're ready to be truthful come talk to me, if not don't waste my time."
I know it sounds harsh, but I don't appreciate someone trying to make a fool out of my intelligence. Such as your situation. You know the intent behind the emails. It's like saying "all though all the facts are right here, I'm gonna try to trick her." If he says you shouldn't have gone through his e-mails. Let him know, you understand that was not okay to do, but then switch it right back. "Now that we've concluded that, let's focus on the issues at hand." And just remember you're not at fault. It's because of him, his choice, and his actions which brought this issue on. Cheating is a choice and no one can cause someone else to do so. Even in failing relationships, it's still a choice to go outside the relationship.
I hope this helps. Good luck with everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Dump him. Once they cheat once and get away with it, they will do it again. And again. And again. He is not trustworthy. Get rid of him.xx
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female
reader, Jmo +, writes (7 March 2008):
 You put it best when you said "I did something very bad and I know it. But he did something worse". (in your defense it's his own damn fault for leaving his e-mail open. After all if your going to do something wrong, at least have the foresight to cover it up.) However he did leave his e-mail open and you did see something and he was the one who messed up. Who knows how many other girls he's directed to his other account? I've known many girls (and guys) who have gone through this and it's never pretty. You need to confront him on this or you'll never be able to get on with it, regardless of the consequences. It's only fair, you don't deserve this. My heart goes out to you.
-Jmo
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Obviously, trust has gone out the window. Once broken it's very difficult to repair.
I was going to tell you to just dump him until I read the last bit of your post. I think the best course of action would be to tell him you know all about this other woman and his dalliance, but you don't have to tell him how you know.
Ask him straight out if it's still going on. Only you know how good or otherwise your relationship is, and whether it's worth working at. If trust can be restored then I dare say you've got a fighting chance.
Best of luck!
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