A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am one of those dreaded women that simply cannot come to terms with my man watching pron. I have struggled with this since the day I started dating guys. I have literally done everything I can think and everything people have suggested to make myself get over it…I have gone to therapy, hoping to find a way to make myself accept it in men… to no avail.I have actually tried the straight forward approach of explaining to my man why it hurts me and asking him to be open with anything at all that I can do to make him feel more fulfilled sexually… only to realize that even if I did the kinkiest shit in the world every night, and actually had fun doing it, he still watched porn whenever I wasn’t around.I have cut straight through the crap and said, “If you continue to watch porn, even though you know it hurts me, I can’t be with someone who cares so little for my feelings and I will leave you.”… and yes. I actually followed through with that and broke up with the guy for it, because that apparently meant shit for him.And I have tried to simply swallow my insecurities, and make light of it for months. Only to realize I was stressing myself out so much my doctor literally asked me “What the hell are you doing to yourself mentally to make your body react so violently towards itself?”Recently, I have become engaged to a man I am completely in love with. I cannot leave him. I would rather knowingly turn myself into a jaded house wife, than risk losing this man. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t want to become jaded with him. I want to be a good wife and I want the husband I love. And when we first started dating, everything was great. We had several times every day. He didn’t watch porn at all. This lasted for over 6 months. Then…He started slipping back into the habit. We are still going at it like rabbits. Experimenting, having fun, being open, trying new things… but he all of a sudden started watching porn whenever I am not around. I leave for work earlier in the morning than he does… he watches porn. He has a day off and I don’t… he watches porn. I go to bed early, and we had sex earlier in the day… he watches porn.He usually doesn’t hide it at all. He’ll come right out and say he masturbated to porn. I don’t immediately go off screaming like some women do. But we have sat down and talked about how it makes me feel, and how it’s affected my past relationships. And he says he wants to stop doing it, because of how it makes me feel. Yet he keeps right on going. It hurts even more to hear him say, “I know my watching porn hurts you. And so I will try and stop”, only to have him keep going. I mean… why even bother saying you’ll quit at all then? I would prefer the truth over that, but he keeps on saying he is trying to stop. He also says I am satisfying him completely. And it’s nothing I am doing. He just has dreams sometimes, and yet is too tired to have sex before I go to work. He has trouble waking up in the morning and porn helps him get going. He is bored sitting around and decides to look at porn for entertainment…There’s always some good reason for his doing it. But that doesn’t really matter. It still hurts me. What do I do? Am I doomed to just have to deal with this forever? Is this something all men do, and I just have to learn to accept the pain? Is he being an asshole? I don’t know. But please men, help me out. What’s the next step?
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female
reader, Pepita  +, writes (20 September 2010):
Not all men use porn - some men don't need porn. A real live woman that they love right there is all they need! Or their own imagination! You can always tell men who are heavy porn users because of what they do in bed - they really don't have a clue. Sex is the opposite of intimacy for them. I feel sorry for them.
I don't think he is the man for you to be honest - his behaviour sounds rather extreme and selfish - maybe let him go as you aren't compatible, and time to leave him to his porn fantasy land while you go out and find a real man, not a wanker, if you'll pardon the expression.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): Most men like to look at women particularly naked, when they don't they are called gay. You need to find a man with a more conservative outlook similar to yours. Trying to change someone through coercion or force is a mistake.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): Oh I am SO SICK of people here defending men who love porn. It is revolting. I am a happy, well adjusted individual who doesn't have problems with men or sex in general. I married a man who was addicted to porn who would have like to convince me that it was my problem, that i was a prude, didn't give him enough sex...blah blah blah. I divorced this jerk, and 2 years later met a beautiful man, we've been together for 3 years and HE DOES NOT LOOK AT PORN. And no, he does not secretly look at it in his car, or his boat or any other sneaky places. And no he's not gay. Yes we have sex. He's not NOT INTO PORN. Thank God for that. And...newsflash...there are other men like him!! I would never, ever, ever, ever date another man who was into porn.To the poster - just ditch him. Why put up with this crap? Don't waste your love on him, find someone better who isn;t into porn. It's really that simple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): You can't change anyone but yourself. Not saying you should, but also saying you can't change anyone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): You can't change anyone but yourself. Not saying you should, but also saying you can't change anyone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): I feel ya sister!!! With me ex-husband once I even broke all the DVD and video tapes just to find that he actually frankensteined a tape together just so it would play in the VCR, a crappy recording at that. I have been through all that including divorce and flying off the handle screaming fights.Now I have been with the same man for 6 years and I think we are doing well on the porn front. After the first couple of times catching my man I cried and explained how bad my ex-husband made me feel. Not to mention my father is a porn addict and I saw his mags and movies by accident as a child. I thought all men were nasty and it made me feel nasty when they touched me.Anyway my husband now understands that I have issues with porn. For better or worse it really is an issue. My husband does not keep porn in our home any longer. He was able to see that it really hurt me and he does not want that. I opened back up to him after a while and I trust him 98% of the time. I know he does occasionally masturbate but we don't really speak of it. I know it is something that men do, but they don't have to put it out there so bluntly that it hurts us.I think my point is that my husband and I truely love eachother and have found a way to deal with this situation. If you two really love eachother you need to find a way to coexist without hurting eachother. If your man needs his porn then fine he should find a way to respect you also. Maybe you can just get porn out of your home so it is not always on your/his mind. If he is not willing to compromise somewhat then he is not worth it. My Husband used to watch it everday too. Now, he has told me of twice in like 9 months. About these other responses I have to say... No you cannot change yourself... I tried... You should not have to change yourself! All of us have something that makes us feel insecure, but if someone loves you they will help you feel better about them not worse. I also think it is an addiction of sorts. If anyone doesn't then I will personally get them in touch with my hubby. He had a very hard time changing his lifestyle and giving up porn. I saw him quit pot and alcohol easier than porn. Poor guy even had bad porn dreams. It is extremely hard! The one tip I have for you both is that communication is key and be willing to give him extra special attention if he gets the porn out of your home. I told my hubby I would take care of his urges everytime he needed if he was honest. Which was fun for us both.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): At the end of the day there's nothing you can do about him watching porn. If he likes it (and it sounds like he does) then he's going to keep doing it. You can only change yourself and if you're not willing to do that then I think you should end the relationship as you'll only make each other miserable.
What some of the other aunts on here are saying about him being a porn addict is bullshit if you ask me. It's very convenient to label someone an addict but really he's just a normal guy that likes to watch porn.
Being an addict is a serious matter on not something that should be thrown around by a bunch of people that quite frankly don't know their arse from their elbow.
There's nothing wrong with you for not liking porn, there's nothing wrong with him for liking it. You are simply not compatible.
Any attempts of "if you love me you'll stop watch it because it makes me feel bad" is really just a way for you to try to control him.
What if he turned around saying that he doesn't like you wearing make-up or nice clothes because it attracts the attention of other guys and that makes him feel bad... would you do that for him?
End the relationship and find a man that doesn't like porn since this is a big issue for you. They are few and far between but you will find him eventually.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 August 2010):
 Sigh.. the terms you use show a lot of self-hatred. Why do you think something is wrong with you and your to be "dreaded" because you dislike something that other people like. Why do you feel the need to compromise with the world instead of standing by your own standards and values. Why do you think that dislike of pornography means there is something wrong with you?
Yes, many men like pornography, and yes, many men lie about it if caught. Just like many men like to masturbate and also have erotic fantasies about your sister, mother and the woman next door. This doesn't make them bad or wrong, this just shows a high level of interest in sexuality.
You are not wrong for not liking pornography, and the solution is to tell your male partners this right from the start. At the moment your in love with a guy, and because of this you allow him to talk about pornography and bring it into your house. Why do you do such things?
You say your man looks at porn whenever your not around, how do you know, do you have a camera watching what he does or does he tell you, or do you question him about his activities?
He needs porn to get up in the morning... what do you do, do you allow him to watch a video and masturbate with you in the room.
Your man has every right to watch pornography when your not there, he has every right to look at it in his car, in his friends house or in the shop that sells it. However he doesn't have a right to look at pornography around you, he has no right to make you aware of his masturbation habits.
I think the problem your having is that you torture yourself imagining him using pornography and then you make up stories about what he thinks and feels.
I really don't understand why a man who knows you hate pornography exposes you to it and allows you to see what he is doing.
Does he tell you about his porn use, or do you search around and look on his computer, in his bag to see what he is looking at?
"I definitely don't LIKE him lying to me about his watching porn" (anon) So why do you ask him about what he is doing when you are not around.. You leave him only two choices, to tell the truth and hurt you, or lie and leave you confused.
As you can see, it's hard to find a man who is totally disinterested in pornography, but of course they exist. If this issue is so important to you, and causes you so much pain, your better off looking for a religious man, because of their vows their porn usage is usually less.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): Just so women know: men mostly watch porn because it gives us something to do. I'll watch some porn because it relaxes me, or because I find it funny, or to rub one out. But it shouldn't be taken as an insult against you that we like it so much, it's merely for entertainment purposes.
It's really that simple. You're just being overly-sensitive about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know who you are, "anonymous", but thank you.
I've always heard my two choices to be...
"you are insecure/crazy"
OR
"you need to find ways to not let it bother you or you need to just find someone less abusive to your feelings"
I've never heard of porn addiction being described so clearly and it helps to know there are people out there who have found their way through it...
I don't know what I will do yet, but thank you all for your opinions. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): There was a day, not so long ago, that many men lived without porn and it was ok to not like it. I don't like it because I am a woman and women in porn are demeaned, dehumanized, humiliated, objectified...etc.
I am not insecure about my body, I have a lovely body and have no problem being naked with my man. I hate when people say that you are insecure if you don't like porn, that is over simplifying a very complicated issue.
Another reason I dislike porn is what it does to SOME men. I was very in Love with a man for four years only to find out when I moved in with him, he had a porn addiction. He hid inability to have sex with me by saying he had erectile dysfunction. Imagine my surprise when I found out the reason he was unable to have a 'real' sex life.
From what I've read about sexual addiction, that is the future for approximately 20 percent of porn users. It is affecting a larger percentage of men over 40 (who are addicted to porn).
You would be wise to keep looking for a man. It is a hard thing, finding men that will forego porn, but it is well worth the search! You won't find true happiness with this man, put a time limit on how long you will give him to quit and go to npsupport.net for support and understanding in dealing with this. There are men on that board that have fallen into the trap of addiction and women who support them. It will help you to understand that you are not crazy or insecure and also give you an understanding of what you are up against when asking a habituated man to give up his beloved porn. It truly is like asking an alcoholic to give up the bottle because sex addiction is a chemical addiction....explaining that is a little complicated, but what it boils down to is being addicted to the hormones that are released during the act of sex....the brain does not distinguish between actual sex and masturbation, so the same chemicals are released and it is that 'hit' that is addicting.
Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do and may you be happy in your choice :)
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A
female
reader, StrayTogether.com +, writes (21 August 2010):
 There are many guys (and girls) that watch porn that aren't sex addicts. Porn can (and is) a healthy part of some sexual relationships. [Just pointing out that every person that watches it isn't an addict.]
That said, I agree with OlderSister. You say don't go looking for porn addicts, but subconsciously something is going on and you ARE looking for emotionally unhealthy men. The point not really being that you're looking for porn addicts, per se, but something in the psychological make-up of these guys is attracting you and the porn happens to be the trigger in the self-esteem issue.
I've said before that, generally speaking, when guys are watching porn, it's not about that girl or her personality or love or feelings - it's about her actions on film and her genitalia, but not about any of those loving, feeling things that many women with self-esteem issues think it's about. And many men don't watch it, so it's not like you simply have to accept a man that does.
You say you've been to therapy, and I applaud that action. It takes a strong person to see that the only person we can change is ourself. I dare say that once counseling has been successful, it won't be a matter of learning how to accept that your man watches porn; it'll be a matter of selecting a man who isn't watching it to begin with.
Good luck to you.
Fondly,
Jill
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 August 2010):
 "I've found that every guy I have ever talked to about porn (even friends)say that it is simply something "all guys just do". This makes me fear that every guy is like this.
Because of that, I have tried going to therapy thinking the error was on my side, like you suggested."
This is the problem with this issue, the guy makes the woman think that because she's insecure at the thought of him needing to get off to perfect looking submissive women, there's always something wrong with her, doubling the burden. Now not only is she bothered by the fact that she knows it hurts, but now she also feels like there's something wrong with her.
Every guy is not like this. This guy sounds like an addict and he's dragging you down with him. You should leave him. Yes, most guys do watch porn but around 30% do not and some will actually stop if they know it bothers you. You cannot stay with this guy, he's wrecking your self-esteem by being selfish.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): I wouldnt like it if my partner watched porn. Luckily he doesnt. But if he did and it made me feel as unhappy as you sound. I think i would prefer to be single. If your partner can see how distressed it makes you. But he isnt prepared to stop watching it or at the very least be discreet about it. Then you arent compatible and no amount of talking will change that. As far as im aware. Disliking pornography isnt an illness. Yet! So keep looking for your perfect 10 guy rather than beat your head against a wall trying to turn this guy into something hes never going to be.
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A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (21 August 2010):
 I have just as much issue with my partner on porn as you do.
You know as much as I hate to admit it Older Sister is right on some cases. I agree with her tho, You are just as bad staying with him. My partner and I had a longggggg talk. Boy do I mean long talk. The thing is. I am willing to leave him, He knew it too. He knew it would hurt me but he knew I would leave and not even care.
So he stopped. He really did he has not done it in over 9 months now. I lost count no lie. That's what helped me tho, Was saying you know what if you do not stop the thing that hurts me the most then I will not stay with a man who hurts me. To me watching porn is cheating. Everyone has there own opnion tho. I personally could care less what they say of "middle grounds" or being selfish.
But as I said Older Sister is correct. IF you do not step your foot down. You will have to come to terms with it. You will have to deal with the pain of it. I really hope for the best.
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll admit to being a bit of a sex fiend, but... I don't know... don't guys like that quality in a woman? I've never seen it as a problem. I'm no more demanding of him than he is interested in being. It's not like I push him for sex.
I've found that every guy I have ever talked to about porn (even friends)say that it is simply something "all guys just do". This makes me fear that every guy is like this.
Because of that, I have tried going to therapy thinking the error was on my side, like you suggested. I've found my issues with porn stem from every guy I've ever been with lying to me about their masterbating to porn. EVERY guy. It's not like I go looking for porn addicts. And guys don't exactly tend to go on a first date and talk about their porn addictions. It's something that comes into play months down the road.
It's not like I even knew he liked watching porn when we got together. Does that still make me a co-addict? I definitely don't LIKE him lying to me about his watching porn... but I'm not familiar with co-addict behavior and I'm not sure I would be able to recognize it in myself anyways.
So I basically this IS my issue and not his...
and I should just learn to accept his porn activity and learn to deal?
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