A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am having relationship dilema and am hoping someone can give me some insight! I think I already know my answers but I'm not confident enough to act on it! I am in a relationship with a girl for the last year. I have never been with a woman before, and I think I am definitely still straight though am attracted to women as well as men. Anyway, she is great to me and is totally in love with me. I told her that I love her but am not in love with her and she pushed for us to stay together and work on it. I really feel terrible because I have this awful pattern of staying on in relationships and hoping it will get better when they clearly aren't what I want. We are abroad travelling for the last year, we live together and work together, have a car together and I'm not sure if I should stay in it and keep trying. Lately I've been finding it hard to even give her any affection and our sex life is worsening all the time. I feel smothered when she tries to give me affection. I know its breaking her heart and she is trying so hard to show me how much she loves me but i am struggling to give it back, I am very insecure and going through a lot in my life at the moment including a recent bereavement and feel that this could be also a reason why I feel so indifferent towards her...please help. I know also that we differ in our values and I can't imagine that she would be accepted among my family or friends, not because she is gay but because of her attitudes and personality. I care for her sooo much and I don't want to loose her in my life but I can't help feeling like I shouldn't be in a relationship with her if I feel all these things. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Thank you so much for your answer. You are so right, I am lost and confused about my life at the moment in so many ways. Thanks its good to get clarity from people who don't know me or my partner. All of our friends are exactly that...OUR friends and so I don't feel it fair for me to confide in them. I don't want to hurt her and being unfaithful would never happen, If I wanted to cheat I would have my answer! Thanks so much for your reply.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Thank you so much for your answer. You are so right, I am lost and confused about my life at the moment in so many ways. Thanks its good to get clarity from people who don't know me or my partner. All of our friends are exactly that...OUR friends and so I don't feel it fair for me to confide in them.
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (14 November 2010):
Hello.
Do not underestimate the stress of losing a loved one. Losing interest in sex is very common. Also, wanting time alone is also very common. You do need time to grieve and when we are grieving we do turn inwards. Losing your libido during stressful times is normal. Your g/f is looking at your withdrawal from sex as you pulling away from her and so she overcompensates with more affection to make sure you still want her. This then feels like you are being smothered.
So, basically - you are 'in-like' with her and she is in love with you. These two emotions are not equal - there is imbalance. Of course you don't want to hurt someone you care about but sometimes they will be. So, the alternative is you stay with someone you have doubts about because THEY want to be with you? Not all break-ups have to end because of affairs, etc- people can just realise that it is a nice/luke-warm relationship but it just ain't rocking their soul.
What do you mean you differ in your values? You can't imagine her being accepted by your family and friends? Hmmm......imagine if your g/f wrote that about you. What
on earth would you think?
Get some time alone - away from being smothered and have a think.
Best of luck to you.x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 November 2010):
It sounds to me like the relationship you have has gone as far as it can. In fairness to you. I admire that you've come out and said you shouldn't be in this relationship. There are a lot of people who wouldn't admit that and just end up cheating, or feeling resentful.
I think you need to sit down alone and really think about who you are and your own life. You sound so unsure of many things, specifically whether you are straight, gay or bi, and also where your own life is going. You sound like a woman who needs to get out there by herself and do your own thing, basically. You need to know who you are and what you want from life, before you can realistically commit to any relationship. Of course, at the same time, you might realize you do love her, hence why you need to think.
Go for a walk, find a quiet spot and spend a few hours thinking about your own life. What do you want? Who do you want to share it with? Most importantly, do you want to stay with this woman?
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