I should have known when we met in the psychiatric hospital!

A female age 41-50, *ickinp writes:

i dont know where to begin, i met him in a phych ward, i was withdrawling from alcohol and him cocaine. we confided in eachother alot and stayed in touch, he was 28 i was 23, he was living with his grandma and i was living with friends, about 2 month later we met up. we ended up together, then i was in a bad accident iad in the hospitalized for a month then sent to a personal care home, he stayed with me in the hospital, then we had a disagreement one night and he left town, i was very unstable because i relapsed, and i od on pills that night, and was put back in the phych unit, then back to the personal care hope, i called him for a while and would ask him if there was something wronghe always said no, but never made an effort to contact with me, so i gave up and working on getting my life in order, he called me out of the blue one day and i told him that sinice i was disabled i was getting a appartment, and ssi, and back pay of about $15,000 and all the sudden he shows up, i know, im really stupid,but i let him staywith me,hewent out one night and went home with some girl, he called from her house and said he slept on her couch, when i talked to her she said he was all over her (what did she have to gain by lieing)we were together for about 1/2 years, during that time he had gotton abusive, drainde my bank account numerous times, lied compulsivley, i found out from his grandma that half of his stories from the past never happened,its like he made up a fake life to make himself sound important, i was so nieve, i still thought that we would end up happily,we were both drinking heavily, violence, fighting and it was just terrible, but when sober it was great, he never could keep a job and everytime he stole money from me he wouls beg for forgivness, then he startes telling me that i was so drunk and i did it but didnt remember because i would go buy drugs,it was an obvious lie, i dont do drugs,nor know anyone who sells them, and even when i catch him in a lie and he knows it he never admits to it, like if he keeps repeating it it will become true.after 2 years we decided to end it, it hurt so bad ,about a month later i found out i was pregunat with his baby, we got back together, and i we quit the drinking, he found a good job, but lost it real fast, he gave me some bull excuse, more lies. he was in and out of jail for past fines he didnt pay. he worked at a hardware shop, got drunk, and went ad stole all of the money, i dont know why charges were never pressed ,he showed me all the money, and i dont know what he spent it on, then he worked at a pretzel shop and worked nights, instead of depositing the money he took off with it, ang spent it all on clothes, alcohol, and who knows what, i was so mad at that point i kicked him out, but i was so dependent on him, i guess i was just really insecure and delusional thinking, "ok, he had to have learned his lesson by now" and i believed that onece the baby came he would change his ways, he was so exciter about the baby.he got picked up again for unpaid fines and wasnt able to be there for the birth.(he searved 6 years in prison because he was a "big time"coke dealer)come to find out that he was nevr a coke dealer, he stole his grandmas car had a high speed chase and caused a wreck,i dont get why he would lie about that,anyways, he was really great with our daughter,she ws born in oct and in dec we flew to seattle to visit my best friend. my dad also lives out there, so i spent time with him, and he hated my ex so he would stay with my friend.after i left she told me things that killed me, she said that he told her that he wished he was our babys mom instead of me, and he did everything(except contribute a penny) he said that he was miserable and only stuck around for the baby, and he asked her if it was ok if he took her under the mistletoe, she said no, her boyfriend was there in another room. he turned it around on her and said that she was the one who was telling him how much she wanted sex, how wet she was, in hindsight i realize she had nothing to gain by lieing about what he said and did, and he had everything to lose by telling the truth. again, i botteled it up. i have given up drinking and gotton my life together for the babys sake,i could go on forever about how he endangered the babies and all the other things that were delusional on his part. but ill get to the end, in june he gave me $100 for child support, i left the room after putting it in my purse, when i returened to grab it to go get formula, i was gone, he played stupid, i was gone for 45 sec.s i am sick of his sickness, i told him to hand it over orhe was out of the appartment and never allowed back cause i only make 550 a month and i doidnt understand why they shorted him hours oun all of his work checks from a fast food place, he started acting strange when igout furious, aid he had to go to the store and would beright back, i was so dumbfounded, but know something ws up, he came back, dropped off my car keys and was acting crazed/manic/paniced, he didnt give me anything for the baby and ran out. i eventually found out that he went and robbed a gas station, that he goes to often, and knows they have cameras ,he didnt even try to disquise himself at all, he robbed them at kinfe point.and the sad thing is that he never brought the baby diapers, and she went hungry for a day and 1/2 because instead of thinking about his child, he went out and spent every last dime on crack-cocaine!i am so glad she will have no memorys of him. for the past few months ive been writting him and occasionally visiting him, he writes and says thay im the most "beautiful, perfect, ect.ect. girl and could never love anyone like he love me, and would rather die with out me. i told him at first that id stay by him, than when i had time to myself to analyze everything,and when i have a hard time taking care of the baby with no help,sleepless nights, tantrums and she comsumes me with all of her waking moments, i cant understand or maybe i just cant be honest with myself why i let myself be treated like that,i guess its easier to believe what you want to belive rather to see it for what it is. it is now october, and i've had time away from him and gained retrospect,and 1st, if anyone has constructive crittisim for me, or thinks i deserved it for not listening to my instict, and giving him so many chances when it always resulted in drama, i want to hear it, i will not take offence, because i now see that i was delusional myself thinking he would change, i understang giving someone 2 chances, but i gave him a million, could it be that i have deeper issues that i have not delt with myself? i would love to hear any opinions good or bad, because sometimes when everythings dark, its hard to see, and now, to where my struggles lie today, i sent him a letter telling him to keep away, and i didnt wnat to hear from him for at leats 3-4 months, because when he writes he tells me what i want to hear, and tells me how much he has changed, something just snapped in me, and i realized that for some unknown reason i had some sort of depency issue, and i chose let him get away with all of his lies and stealing, anyone else would have been long gone, and i think it took him going to prision for me to realize that that is not how you treat someone you love, it has turned from a denial that he would become a better man, to i have no faith in him whatsoever!deep down i knew that he had major issues, but i thought that love could cure all. and im at the stage now to where my hind sight is 20/20,i dont think i even know him, i think he really needs phychyical help, and what bothers me most is how much he took me for granted, stealing my money to pay the bills, and supporting him on top of that, i think in his head every single bad things he has done to me (the list would go on for days) he has justified it. because he stolefrom me one time, and begged for fogivness, but did it again and again, it was lie a rutine.i need you perspectives, basically, i se him as a stranger, even if he does truley change in jail, i will never compleatly believe him, if he becomes honest, i am stil going to suspect its a lie. i konw better now and have no desire to ever let anyone take advantage of me, and i see him how everyone saw him all along nobody trusted him, and they all said i shuold of learned the 1st time, yeah, i know, but know that i am seeing him in true fashion, i am filled with hatred and anger, and people say you have to forgive and let go, but i cant forgive if they are not really sorry, and thinks that everything bad that he did is justified, i small part of me wonders if i send him a letter that explains that i have come not to only hate him as a boyfriend, but i hate him a person, reqaurdless of what he did to me or not, he has no morals or values, and he only cares for himself, and he is pathetit in my eyes, but then i think, what is the point, it will not change the past, and i will be lying to myself if i said, hmm..maybe now he can change? and keep thinking his sweet nothings are really siscere.its not all his fault, and i blame myself no less than i blame him because i let him get away with all the decietful shit. i dont think i sould put any more emotion into him, and writing a letter is only going to give him a chance to try and fuck with my head, i praise god for my girl, i am sober, functinoal ,and in the prossessmof getting off ssi. i never thought i would ever be able to be a mom, because i strugled through alot,and woas thrown in the nut house, but now that i have given up binge drinking, i now have gained binge motherhood, i feel empowered, i quit everything for my baby, and her daddy didnt ever touch crack thii she was 6 month. i think it is pointless to writr him, i dont think he can sympazize with anyine, i just have all this negitive energy that he caused, and just want to get rid of it, and raise my daughter safely and happy,i am sorry for babbling through this msg, but i lost my mom and brother not too long ago, and my dad hatede him before he even met him(gossi) please i appreciate everyones point of view, and can take the critizam!should i write him god by and tell him how he messed with my head, or just cut all ties, i would rather cut all ties, i put too much energy, and i dont think he deserves my energ especially whyn im raising our 10 mo. old, and h will be in there for about 10 yrs. the thing that is hurting me the most is all the hurt, lies and, his delusions, im not trying t o be an asshole, im just thinkig of the elabrate stories, that he would eventualy repeat,and the story is so similar but the ending is always diffrient, who knows.bottom line is #1 y dont you listen to your gut instienct #2 dont ever try to mess with my goodriends, cause unless something did happen she will "tell on you!' i dontknow if anyone wil read this far, because when i am overwhelmed with something it consumes me have no problem letting go, the damage has been done since i firse made eye contact in the "nut ward" im so much stronger without do you think, does he even deserve a letter? i dont know him, he paints himself a prettypicture, i fell in love with his personallaty, but his presonallity adaptd to the types of people he is around, is acts more like he is 18 rather than31, i would appreciate any feedback, good or bad, i want to hear it, i just got to get this anger and hate out of me, he isn't worth it, yet i invested my trust and love in him and feel like i had to file for bancrupcty

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