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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: He's got a girlfriend and he knows I like him. He said he wants to sleep with me even though he's with her like I'm some sl*t or something. She's oblivious to what he's like. She must be, he been trying to get in my pants for nearly two years behind her back. I don't know her and she doesn't let people message her on Facebook so I can't tell her anyway. I just hate that he's so smug and posting pictures of them together all the while he's texting me really sexual things. I told him to leave me alone and I've removed him from Facebook.I just feel like i'm nothing. She's popular and well off. She's blonde and probably perfect. I'm not well off and i only have a few close friends and i've got red hair. I feel really ugly and a bit of a loser to be honest. I probably should feel sorry for her but i don't i just hate her and her perfect life. Do you think that's why he just wants me as someone on the side?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not trying to teal her boyfriend. If you actualled read what i'd said you'd understand what i mean. Don't call me a horrible person when you don't even know me. It would probably be best if you didn't bother giving advice anonymous because you don't sound like a very nice person yourself. Like i said, i don't want people to keep posting on here telling me how terrible i am. How is that helpful? I;m done with this question so you don't need to post on here anymore.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): "I'm a nice person and i just feel like she doesn't deserve to be happy when i'm in this much pain"
How dare you say such a horrid thing!? -WHY would you think that she doesn't deserve happiness??
How would you feel if someone said that you didn't deserve happiness for something which you didn't even know anything about, and the poor girl hasn't even done anything wrong?? -You're the one that's trying to steal her man?!
How can you even say that you're a nice person in the same sentence as that? If you're a nice person stop trying to steal someone's boyfriend and even wishing unhappiness on her at the same time?!
What did she ever do to you to deserve you to be so horrid about her??
Maybe if you work on being a nicer person then your self-esteem will improve enough to look for a guy that is not already taken.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 OP, I don't think anybody here means to accuse you or to make you feel bad about yourself, in fact they ( we ) want to help. And even IF all those posts were yours, no big deal. As long as the mods let you, you can repost 2,5,10 times, no skin off our nose.But it goes like this :
suppose you are an obese girl asking DC for advice . " I am fat, I am a blimp, I am miserable, I have no friends, guys don't ever ask me out" etc. etc.
So, one Aunt will say : go to the gym. Another : try hypnosis. A third : check your metabolism.
A few days later, you are here again, saying the same things. You'll get a fresh batch of advices : " see a nutritionist " " get counseling " "sign up on a dating site for BBW lovers " or whatever.
Third post,same problem, new batch of advices.
At the fourth ...Aunts are human :) they start getting frustrated and wondering : is the OP listening ? Did she try anything at all of what we suggested ?Does she REALLY want to make changes,or she just wants to wallow in her misery ? ... I know a proverb which says : God only helps those who help themselves.
Now, take your situation. It's obvious that it troubles you and it makes you unhappy , and it's also obvious that you can get get unstuck from it- if you are willing to make a serious effort.
I guess some Aunts are wondering, are you ready for this effort ? Do you realize that the solution is within you and you have to help letting it come out ? Is anything of what we say sinking in, have you thought a little about the things you have been told ? Do you realize that just focusing on " how bad he is and how dumb she is and how miserable they make you " won't get you anywhere ? Do you WANT a change ?
That's all . No gangbanging :). Just an encouragement to greater self awareness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI already said no, twice. It's ok i get it. I only asked for advice on here because i'm struggling to deal with my problems i didn't come here to be told how awful i am by some of the people who answered. It's so easy to judge when it's not you in my situation. I'm going to go. Bye.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Sorry Doll but you have the wrong end of the stick. By no means at all am I saying you are horrible and terrible. I would never do that to anyone! Far from it. I was simply trying to figure out if I was going to be answering the same post more than once.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not the terrible, horrible person you're making me out to be but if ganging up on me makes you feel better about yourself then fine. I won't ask for advice on here again. Caring Guy, Cindy Cares and Tisha were the only nice people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike i said, no. Believe what you want.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (3 September 2011):
I'm sorry but it's just a bit too coincidental for me that you have red hair you are from the UK and you are aged 22-25 and you are experiencing the same sort of problems as the person in this post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-fwb-is-dating-someone-else-but-still.html who also has read hair is from the UK aged the same as you etc. I don't mean to sound bitchy but that's too many of the same thigs no.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was just responding to that anonymous response and no, those questions aren't me. Bye.
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female
reader, Elydiese  +, writes (3 September 2011):
I'm with moos mum why cant you accept the answers people are giving you, if you dont want to be friends with her cut her out, cut him out and move on and stop wasting peoples time thats 3 questions about 1 problem and who knows how many answers what more do you want
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 September 2011):
Wait a minute... if Moo's Mum is right, things are a bit different. Are you dating another guy now ?!Then you can't quite complain about your ex FWB, because you are sort of doing the same.
All this focus on a past lover would be still not healthy yet understandable if you were single, but since you are not, it's even disrespectful to the new guy.
You say you feel low because your ex prefers another girl to you. And how should your current partner feel knowing you devote so much time and thought to another guy ?And wish you were in the shoes of your ex's gf ? If the new guy cares he'd feel low and rejected too.
Don't do unto others...
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female
reader, bunnyblueeyes +, writes (3 September 2011):
 This women does not have the perfect life. What she has is a douchbag for a boyfriend!She may think that she has everything but YOU know better. Ignore him. If he keeps trying to contact you tell him you'll be making a complaint to the police as he is effectively harrassing you.Stay well away from him. Good luck.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (3 September 2011):
Are you trying to see how many times you can ask the same question? Both of these posts are you too!
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-chose-to-get-a-girlfriend-so-why.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-fwb-is-dating-someone-else-but-still.html
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): you're just jealous of her that's all. cos you like the guy, and he's officially declaring a relationship with her rather than you. so she gets gifts and emails and texts from him, she gets to go out in public with him on her arm, she gets to monopolize his time, and you don't. so you're just jealous and that's why you don't feel sorry for her. but you should pity her because she's being played for a fool, by him. She has no clue who he is. You, at least, know full well what he is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf you were treated like that by somebody you liked you wouldn't want to be this girls best friend either.
They're long distance sort of so maybe that's why she's so clueless about what he gets up to. He sees her every 2 weeks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf you were treated like that by somebody you liked you wouldn't want to be this girls best friend either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't say no one finds me attractive. I'm not filled with hatred either. You're obviously clueless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): You don't feel sorry for his girlfriend and I don't feel sorry for u. You have no idea of what issues theyre dealing with, although u wouldn't care. Why hate her without a cause. At first I felt empathy for u, but after reading the entire message feed of your responses my feelings are "um". As in to say life goes on. You don't deserve pity....bc ur so filled with hatred. His gf isn't the reason no one finds u attractive. Question ur parents about that, they did it to u. We should feel sorry for u....NOT. People treat u like u treat yourself. Confidence is attractive and many unattractive women have gorgeous men bc of their confidence. So stop hating others, n give ur self some love. You're probably beautiful if u can harness it.
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male
reader, EuropeanGuy87  +, writes (2 September 2011):
First of all you are a redhead and you should be proud of that. You have no idea how many guys (me included) would take a redhead over a bleached blond bimbo any day. Nobody is perfect and nobody have a perfect life..no matter how ideal their life seem to you. I had a rich friend who could buy anything he wants, he was so happy that he decided to commit suicide. I have another friend who is wealthy and he is very unhappy because he doesn't feel loved. And you should feel sorry for her because she is so "perfect" that her own boyfriend wants to get in other girl's pants. Be proud of yourself and trust me you are lucky because at least you don't have a bf like hers, someone who is willing to cheat on you, and you have morals - and you are smart for removing him from facebook. so here are few reasons that makes you better than the little miss blondy perfect..
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2011):
 You're welcome. Life is very short, as I've learned. Don't waste it trying to learn how a skanky dude thinks. Instead, spend a little time thinking about how you think and your life will begin to change, for the better. I know it will. You just have to make one positive step, make one positive decision and string those steps and decisions together and before you know it, you're a year older and in a far far better place.
Off you go. Be brave and don't waste brain power or energy on losers. There's no return on that investment!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2011):
Nah, look now. You're stuck in a rut and need to replace those obsessive thoughts with something else. I'm not going to spend one minute of time speculating on what motivates a skanky dude or fantasizing about what her life is like--that's a waste of my time. More importantly, it's a waste of YOURS.
Time for a sea change.
Unless you LIKE being stuck in this rut and extract some sort of pleasure from feeling crappy? In which case, I have offered what minimal advice I have on hand and I will wish you well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha. I'll look at that later. It's just bugging me why he's staying with her if he supposedly doesn't care about her. I know i should stop thinking about it but it eats away at me and i wonder about all the qualities that she must have that i don't.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2011):
http://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living/be-comfortable-with-who-you-are/details And one that's specific to your self-esteem.
Have you ever tried meditation or cognitive behavioral therapy? Might be worth a try.
So what are the steps you need to take to find out? (That's a hint, by the way. Like a homework assignment. You say you don't know how, here's a gentle push in one direction that may help you.)
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2011):
Here's another one I like. It gives you concrete things to try: http://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2011):
Take a look at that website. It might open your eyes a bit, and give you something to work on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know. I don't know how to change.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2011):
So what are you doing to alter that reality? Besides obsessing on her or him, I mean. What positive steps are you taking to deal with it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose i tend to value my self-worth on how others treat me or what they think about me. I always have. It's a hard habit to break. I don't want to be this way believe me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2011):
Why on earth did you chose THIS guy to determine your worth. You're a crappy guy selecter, that's pretty obvious, but the rest of it hinges on you deciding that a lying cheating scumbag is somehow the arbiter of your value as a girlfriend. You fix that first issue and the rest will flow naturally and you won't be down in whatever envious dungeon you've locked yourself in.
Basically, your fundamental premise is wrong. Your frame is wrong.
You have to go back to basics and forget about him and her and whatever you think they have together.
Block him from texting you--why do you want a cheater to have your number in the first place? Then block his feed on FB. You don't have to unfriend him, just hide the feed so whatever they are up to doesn't come across your obsessive scrutiny.
Personally, I'd unfriend him based on his general skankiness. Yuck.
Then I think I'd look into why I'd hinge the entirety of my self-esteem on what one skanky dude tries to do. That would be more troubling than anything.
If you're unhappy with where you are, well, you put yourself there. Now it's time to get out. Here's an interesting little exercise in examining flawed thinking, which you are demonstrating so beautifully here: http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome It's a free service, you just have to register with an email address and password. Spend your time doing that instead of browsing facebook pages, okay?
Good luck.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 September 2011):
Then maybe it's time to change phone number. It would solve half of the problem.
There's still Facebook,true,and that's ,alas, a matter of will strength...treat your impulse to check on them as you would treat another addiction...pretend that you are quitting smoking : you would expect some discomfort , and you would know it will be less and less in time. And think of a reward to offer yourself ( some special treat or purchase ) ONLY when you 'll have gone a month without checking their Facebook page. Keep busy, and surround yourself with friends. It may help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): "I feel low because when someone doesn't think you're good enough for a relationship but they think you're ok to have sex with it doesn't exactly make you feel attractive"
But that's ONE guy? You can't expect every guy to love you? This guy already has someone else, so any attention he gives you is about 'a bit on the side'. Stop looking for attention from guys that are already taken.
You are unlikely to find happiness, or indeed to like yourself, for trying to steal someone else's man!
If you want people to respect you, start having some respect for other people!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, i know he's not really worth all the hassle. I just try to move on and it works for a while but then something happens and i'm back to square one. It's like, i don't want to know about her or him or whatever but sometimes curiosity gets the better of me and i look on Facebook or something and end up making myself feeling worse. Either that or he texts me.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 September 2011):
Curious perspective. If someone wants you for sex only, he probably does find you phisically attractive. But not relationship material. So, IF ANY !, you might feel bad about your personality or character traits, not about your power of physical attraction which obviously is working.
Note that I say IF ANY, because in fact you should not let what another random person, which btw is not even particularly worthy of respect or consideration, dictate w2hat you feel about yourself. Suppose that he actually does not consider you a great catch : so what ? Is he necessarily right ? Who is he, the Pope ?...That's his personal opinion, who told you that any other man you
meet, and will meet, should feel the same ?!
If one episode of rejection is enough to give such a total beating to your sense of self worth, maybe it's time to start seriously working on it, perhaps with professional help.
Stop thinking about what he does and what she feels and all that crap- just cut the happy couple totally out of your life and start concentrating on yourself.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
I'm guessing your self esteem wasn't that high before. This is sadly the sort of thing that can damage it more. But there is no doubt that he's the problem, not you. You're focusing on how a man who wanted to cheat was treating you. This is a lucky escape, and at the very least you have enough respect for yourself that you won't take second best. And you shouldn't. What you have to do is really focus on the fact that there are better men out there. Why would you want a guy like this anyway? He's not worth your time, and it's a shame for you waste your time worrying about what he has done when you could be moving on to someone much better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, maybe. I don't know, i just feel like i should feel bad for her and it's not normal that i don't. I'm ok most of the time then i see something online or whatever and i feel like crap again. My self esteem wasn't all that high to begin with but when he did this to me it just proves to me that i'm not much of a catch.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
But that's not your fault. That's his fault. That's down to how he feels about women and how he treats them.
Just because one lousy guy treats you this way doesn't mean that you're the problem. You're not. The problem is that your own self esteem allows you to believe that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel low because when someone doesn't think you're good enough for a relationship but they think you're ok to have sex with it doesn't exactly make you feel attractive.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
No one's asking you to feel sorry for her. But you do need to look at your own life and really work out why you feel so low about yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what you're saying but if she doesn't know she's not going to be hurt so really she is happy.I'm sorry i just can't accept it or feel sorry for her. I wish i could.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): Hmmm.... This girl may be rich and blond and pretty, but her life sounds pretty bad to me.Being popular means that everyone around you kisses your ass, but when you walk away they talk about you behind your back. Just because a lot of people know you doesn't make them your friends. It's like a rock star, for example. How many people who know who Lady GaGa, Katy Perry, or Justin Beiber are? Millions. How many of those people are their true friends? Once the fame, money, and glamour go away, how many people will be by their side? Next, blond? So? I wish I had red hair! Red hair is gorgeous and rare. Blond is just a over hyped hair color. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Having low self-esteem about your looks is common, I know. I have it too. But I bet you there are people who think you're beautiful over that girl. Focus on your talents and skills and work hard and you won't be a loser.Now for the big one. She's with this guy, living in a bubble thinking she's all that with the perfect guy. But he's trying to get with other girls. If she was so pretty and perfect wouldn't he be happy with her? Also, he's the loser. He is a user and cheater and he will do this to any girl. He doesn't care about her. Why is he with her? For ego. "Here's my trophy, oh but look I can get this girl and this one, and my trophy has no idea." All the money in the world can't buy you love, and everyone needs love. Obviously this girl doesn't have any love from him. :( What a jerk. I say don't worry about them. Move on with life with your real friends and you'll find love and happiness.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
Yes but it's all a lie because he was trying to cheat on her. He probably is cheating on her with someone else even now. So what's worse? To be someone who has at least escaped from a guy like that? Or to be the one living a lie?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm betting he doesn't ignore her or just talk to her when he wants something. I bet he takes her out and treats her better. In fact, i know he does. I want to feel bad for her i just don't.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
You're really not the one worse off. If you can get out of that frame of mind, you'll see what I mean. He might have tried what he did with you. But he's actually treating her far worse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): hii
yes she is happy...bcoz she dont know her bf cheating on her.....once she knows she cant even tolerate that betrayal....
he is happy...bcoz he does nt know what is trust and what is a girl heart....
my sincere advice to you is please avoid thinking of them....bcoz of that every body is happy except you....you should take care of yourself...think about you..about your happiness in which it is....just avoid thinkinking of them... trust god..trust yourself...one day you will get what you deserves...tc of you
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel like i'm the one worse off but thanks for responding.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
Why? Because she's probably a decent girl who he knows he can use. You're both in the same situation. Sadly for her, she's the one stuck with him. At the very least you're not with him and you've cut contact to avoid him. You're the one in the better position here. Not her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe just posted a picture of them together today looking perfectly happy. If he didn't care about her why stay with her? Why tell me that he wanted to keep "us" a secret? Why have a picture of them both as his profile picture?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
But he doesn't' care about her. How can he care about her if he's been trying to get with you for two years? Cheats and those attempting to cheat don't care or respect their partners.
And she does deserve happiness, just like you. And, like you, she'll get hurt by this guy eventually, because guys are notoriously bad at hiding affairs and such.
All those compliments from other guys are worth more than what this guy had done to you. It has nothing to do with her at all. It couldn't have less to do with her. Just because you're in pain doesn't mean she's not. You don't know how she feels really. And you don't know how she'll feel in a few years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause she's happy and he cares about her. Unlike me who he obviously sees as a worthless, skank. Ironically, i've only ever been with 2 guys in my entire life. I'm a nice person and i just feel like she doesn't deserve to be happy when i'm in this much pain when i haven't even done anything wrong expect be stupid enough to think that i might have been good enough. Yes, i get complimented by guys etc but that means nothing.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
You're not a bitch. I'm just trying to understand why you're jealous of a girl who is living in a lie and doesn't realize it. Why do you feel so low that you look to her and think she's smug?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know i sound like a bitch but i can't help feeling like i do. I honestly don't think she'll find out. She would have by now.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
No, he'll get found out. I just think it's very sad for you that you hate her because you think she's 'smug'. It really suggests that you need to take a different direction in your own life. Nothing good can come of being jealous of a woman who's so clearly not got as good a life as you think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he's been acting like that for nearly 2 years and she still hasn't caught on so more than likely she'll be oblivious and smug forever.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 September 2011):
With the greatest of respect, I think he wants you on the side because you're so low in confidence that he thinks you're an easy target. Girls with low confidence are often easy targets for guys like this. And you are low in confidence.
Also, her life isn't perfect and you know it. How can it be? Her boyfriend is truly second rate, so her life at some point will become painful.
What you need to do is start seriously looking at your own life. You seem terribly lost if you're jealous of a girl who's boyfriend wants to cheat. And the red hair means nothing. My girlfriend has red hair, and I love it. But I also love her, so you need to recognize that you're not just a hair colour, or second best. You need to work on your confidence and find a guy who actually treats women well. Then you'll start to feel better about yourself.
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