A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am currently separated from my husband because I do not feel attracted to him anymore. He's a kind person, but I feel I have outgrown him in many ways, though I still love him, but more like a companion, than a husband/lover. We didn't have any kids. Problem #2: I fell in love with another man whom I have alot in common with and feel tremendous passion and attraction for. He is good to me in many ways, but he also has a mean temper and can be a little intense and high strung at times. When he's in a good mood, he's funny, warm and lovable and great fun to be around and I'm crazy about him. But when he's in one of his dark moods, he's hateful, critical, and nothing I can do seems to please him. He lashes out at me, he calls me names, he tells me to shut up, or he'll say "F you"...He's been known to embarrass me in public with rude comments, he's left me at the bar and went home without me. When he's in one of these moods, I don't even know who he is, and it leaves me feeling depressed for days afterwards. Of course, once the mood has passed, he's wonderfully sweet and loving again and always apologizes. I think deep down inside, he doesn't respect women but he gets absolutely panicky if he even thinks I'm going to leave him. I want this relationship to work out because I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else, and I can't bear the thought of going back to my husband and being bored for the rest of my life. But at least my spouse was good to me. He never looked at other women, he was kind-hearted and his love was unconditional. Option #3 course is to file for divorce, and leave man #2 and just be by myself, in hopes that there is some other man out there who will be as good to me as my husband was, won't bore me to death, and be someone I am attracted to, but won't be mean to me. The problem is, I'm terrified to be alone. It's the one thing that has kept me in a dead-end marriage for more than 10 years. I am scared to death of being alone so I know that is really not a realistic option for me, because I know if it's up to me, I'll either go back to my spouse and just fake it until 'death do we part'.....or I'll stay with man #2 and think that it's probably my punishment for cheating on my husband. Either way, I know I will never move out and live on my own. I'm not that strong. So what do I do? Is there a way I will ever get man #2 to mellow out and treat me with more respect? He says he loves me but at times I just wonder why he takes things out on me when his bills, and his problems at work are not my fault. What should I do?
View related questions:
at work, depressed, divorce, fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): I think you are crazy to be with someone that treat you that way (man #2). I would rather be bored stiff than disrespected. Man #2 sound like an unstable person. Trust me if you marry him the problems are just going to escalate. When he tells you that he love you reply with "you dont hurt things that you love. It sounds like he was maybe abused as a child. If you never go back to your husband you should not be with him. I heard that love was blind but this man is showing you his hand now. You must have some self-esteem issues. A man that leave me at a bar can kiss where I sit. Honey you need to value yourself. He is a jerk now and will always be a jerk.
Some other woman will really appreciate that 1st man.
There are women looking for good men. You went from good to bad that blows me away. You need help!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (18 June 2007):
 You are strong enough to be on your own we all think that we are not but when it comes to it we are fine, i've been on my own for the last ten months and that was something i never thought i would ever be able to do and it's really not all that bad you can do what you like when you like.
Now when it comes to the two men in your life i think it's safe to say you should not really be with either of them, your husband because the way you feel about him has changed so much it would not be fair to either of you to carry on.
The boyfriend who is clearly a bully and i know you say that when he is not in a mood he is lovely and fun to be with but do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering when the next mood will come just because you don't think you can be on your own.
You can do it and there is always lots of support for you out there to help you rebuild a new life for yourself and get back some self confidence.
Take care.xx.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 June 2007):
 Listen carefully, it takes TWO people to make a succesful marriage. This man you're with now will never change, you know that don't you? Okay, he's passionate and the sex is great right? You find your husband boring? Why don't you try and spice up your marriage a bit more? WORK on it with him! Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of it. Write down all the things you like about your husband then all the things you don't like about him then do the same with the other guy. Then write down the advantages and disadvantages of being with each of them. What do they have to offer you? Who do you trust most? Who respects you the most? Who treats you best? Who LOVES you most, warts and all?
This is the way I see it re your future. You can stay with the guy you're seeing now and he'll grind you down. Yes, there will be times when things go okay but slowly but surely he will suck all your confidence and feelings of self worth from your body, he may even, in time lift his hand to you. This man doesn't respect you! If he did he would NEVER bring you down and embarrass you in front of people. You won't be on your own, but you'll be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life, frightened that you say the wrong thing to him. That's not a relationship, that's a sentence!
Your husband - yes you find him boring. Only YOU know it what respect you find him boring. Talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. Do something spontaneous with him, something out of the ordinary that you've never ever done before! Tell him you want him to be spontaneous too and live a little dangerously if he wants to keep you. Talk to him about spicing up your love life. What would he most like to try with you? Get him to open up and tell you his deepest desires! Have you ever thought to do that with him before?
Lots of men think their significant other would have a fit if they told them how they really felt about sex, their desires or things they'd love to do to them. They are WITH one another for years yet don't even KNOW each other. Communicate with each other more, do something wicked! Seduce him when he comes home one night, you don't have any kids so you can do things any time any place any where! What a bonus!!! Get out your most seductive lingerie (buy some if you don't have any) and dress to kill girl! Let him see there's another side to you and you might be very surprised to see there's another side to him too!
I would absolutely, definitely, without a doubt give it another try with your husband, he sounds lovely. How old is he and how old is this other man you're seeing? Can I ask you what all of your star signs are too?
Eve
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): Your current boyfriend is a classic abuser of women. He is panicky that you might leave him (this is about controlling you) he is verbally abusive to you (words hurt as much or more than fists) and he is never satisfied with you (he is undermining your self esteem so that he can gain control over you emotionally) and then he is all lovey dovey (he regrets his black moods, and wants to keep you hooked)....Did you know that a rat in a maze that clicks on a bar for pellets, will do that repeatedly more when they are intermittently rewarded with food, than when they get food consistently? In fact the rat who is getting intermittent reinforcement, will starve clicking on the bar for a pellet when the food is taken away, then search through the maze for a cube of cheese at the other end.
This intermittent reinforcement works in humans as well, your classic abuser of a boyfriend is giving you a few pellets, then punishing you by not giving you anything, then rewarding you and you are that much more strongly bonded to him because he is not consistent, and he is abusive and then nice.....He has you under his thumb and you are a miserable rat! Now you would rather starve than let go of that crummy pellet withholding man!
Get on with your life, dump this guy today, and do your nice guy husband a favor and leave him alone so he can find a woman who will love all of him, warts and all.
It is pathetic to say you are afraid to be alone because guess what each and every one of us dies alone, each and everyone of us wants to be understood and fully known by another human being, but that is not really possible, no one person can get inside our skin and understand completely who we are....that is for us to do for ourselves. You don't sound like you know who YOU are, and until you figure that out, you have nothing to OFFER someone else....I think you need to be alone for awhile so that you are comfortable with yourself and like who you are, and then you will attract a better quality man who respects you and will love you for you, but if you don't know who that is, then don't expect anyone else to know that either, they can't, that is up to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, childof1981  +, writes (18 June 2007):
 You have two issues and they are not really related to each other. First is a loveless marriage and the second is a crappy boyfriend.
Resolving the loveless marriage should come first. Divorce your husband, you are simply using him as a safety blanket and it's not fair for him to be a doormat while you are finding yourself.
Now moving on to your crappy boyfriend, ditch him. Would you buy a car with a really nice paint job but it lacked an engine? You can keep seeing this guy but HE WILL NEVER CHANGE and will always blame you for things outside your control. That kind of relationship is unhealthy and you should get out while you don't have much invested.
PS. I am giving you a second recommendation that you divorce your husband, because you don't deserve him and I am relatively sure he has done nothing to deserve you!
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (18 June 2007):
 OK, I don't understand your reasoning. You're willing to invest all your time and energy into fixing the man you're with now, and he's got a mean streak a mile wide. You're not willing to rebuild your relationship with your husband who happens to be a great guy.
You, in my opinion, went off track. You should have been thinking about ways to work on your marriage over the last 10 years. If working on your marriage is so unappealing to you, why work on a relationship with a guy who treats you so poorly?
The problem is this, you got bored and didn't notice until it was too late. It happens all the time. The way you speak of your husband tells me you had a good one. If you outgrew your husband, how did you grow? IT seems you grew in the wrong direction.
You're setting yourself up for a let down.
...............................
|
