A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi can someone help me I meet a guy online and we seem to hit it off well. He asked to see my photo and I sent him one of my friend "I know I know" I should not have done that but I liked his attention, the problem is he thinks that I am from the same culture as him I did hint a few times that I am not but I photo must make him think that I am. He has been away for the holidays visiting family and he text me today to set up a date/meeting it was meant to be at the weekend but now he says Thursday.How do I tell him the truth I really like him but I know when he finds out that the one thing he thought was true is not. I Know I have been stupid but I really like him and I dont want to lose him he seems genuine. Any advice for a stupid fool.You must be asking why I did it and if I said I was trying to protect myself from the pain of rejection would it make sense I just wanted to be like for me, I wanted him to look beyond my skin colour and culture.Thanks for listening
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Hi all
Me again firstly, thank you all for your help and advice. Just to update you all I text him this morning to tell him that I needed to talk to him @maybe this as a bad move too -cos he was like a dog with a bone second guessing - anyway I told him a little while ago and yes he asked why but I could here the tone in his voice change he asked me to send my real photo but I think that he has already made up his mind judging by his tone and the fact that he said "maybe we will see if we can still talk".
I know I did wrong but this hurts even more than I expected.
Anyway again thanks for all your help even though I am hurting right now I know your advice was the right thing to do. Thank you.
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (2 January 2008):
 "You must be asking why I did it and if I said I was trying to protect myself from the pain of rejection would it make sense I just wanted to be like for me, I wanted him to look beyond my skin colour and culture"
Well, how can he like you for who you are when you give him a picture of someone else? I think the problem here is BEFORE you've even met you've lied to him.
Ok it's not a huge lie but already this proves a shakey foundation if/when you do meet. If anything were to happen, if I was him, I would be dissappointed you lied to me and that would be the end of it.
If I were you, I would contact him and explain exactly what you've said here. Tell him you feel like a complete fool, you enjoyed talking to him and really like him but kind of wanted him look beyond the cultural differences but if he's not comfortable with that then you understand. Perhaps you can just be friends?
To some people cultural differences are not a problem, for others they're at the very core. If he really likes you for who you are and cultural differences aren't a problem then you shouldn't have felt like you needed to send a piture of someone else. By the sounds of it you already know this though and this says to me that this person is more culture-is-at-the-core kind of person.
It's good you know you feel like a fool and acknowledge that "oh my goodness, what was I thinking?" sort of thing.
Personally, I never understand people who do this. Sure, I can understand the reasoning behind it, but at the end of the day I would rather someone like me, wholey, as I am, What's the point in getting to know someone having never met them only to send them a pic of some Jonny Depp look-a-like and pretend it's me? If someone isn't interested because of our religious/cultural differences or the way I look then we'll know we're not right for each other and move on BEFORE anything has even begun.
This is one of the problems with chatting on the internet I think. I've known people who've had pictures sort of air brushed (seems to be latest thing in the photo developing shops here in England) and use them only to be EXTRA insecure about their appearance, worried and nervous about the day they meet since they have to somehow live up to that image. I did a little modelling once but never show people the photo since they'd have this expectation that's what I look like every day. I'd rather they see me how I am normally and perhaps think "I scrub up well" :)
Anyway we're going off the track here. In short I say TELL HIM THE TRUTH AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID.
IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO MEET AFTER THAT YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WRITE THIS DOWN TO EXPERIENCE AND LEARN FROM IT.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (2 January 2008):
 I agree with Angel of Love, there is no way around it but telling the truth! The way to do it is your choice. However, if you feel the situation could become uncomfortable then talking over the phone and then sending a picture in an email would be a safer way to go about it.
The thing is, nobody can believe in you if you don't believe in yourself and this is the first message you are sending him or a potential friend. When we meet someone online we do not have to immediately jump to the "potential-lover", you could meet a really good friend, as have I. By changing this "attitude" you can find people who will be very much interested in meeting you for who you are and then it evolves into a friendship and maybe, eventually, hit it off.
If someone denies you of his/her friendship because of your color or ethnicity... their bad!! They are the ones living a hundred years ago... you be proud of who you are and where you come from!
As a local song says... I will be Boricua even if I was born in the Moon! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (2 January 2008):
 Firstly you are not a stupid fool just because you made a mistake, you acted impulsively out of fear and low self esteem.
What is done is done, you cannot go back. I am sure that your fear of rejection was only delayed by conceiling what you look like.
What you must Now is to come clean, there is not way around that.
How you do it will depends how brave you feel of "facing the music", decide if you want to send your picture to get it over done with or just arrange to meet and tell him face to face.
The risk of rejection will be more likely because you were not honest rather than being a different culture, colour, etc. Either way you need to confront your fear and find out where you stand.
If this guy is worth all this anxiety he will like you for who you are. You main focus should be if he is good enough for you and not just vice versa.
Tell him who you really are and why you have send someone else's picture to help him understand.
If he cannot see beyond that then you need to accept that it is not meant to be. Not because of your colour or culture.
Never let nobody stop you from being proud of you are inside and out.
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A
male
reader, Cag Lee "Apollo" Adarma +, writes (2 January 2008):
 Hey,
first of all Happy New Year!
Your situation is one that begs the question " what is any good relationship based upon?" the answer to that question can be trust or honesty. You have not exhibited either one of these. In your want for him to look passed your skin and culture you have reaffirmed his need by characterising yourself by the very preconcieved preferences he has.
I cannot blame you for this, the things we do to be loved are sometimes irrational and illogical, as yours were.
Before you meet him you must tell him the truth, you must tell him the reasons for you doing it and ask him to forgive you. If he can;t this something you might have to except, however painful, and find some way to move on.
In the future start all relationships as you wish them to move into the future; with love, honesty, trust and mutual respect
Hope this helps
God Bless
The Cag
[rate me]
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