A
female
age
41-50,
*alia
writes:should I stay in my marriage? I have been married for 5 1/2 years (together for nearly 9 years) and we have one toddler.Our relationship has always required us to work at it, we are both independent people and it took a few tries before we could work out how to live together (when we met we both owned our own places). We have both made a lot of compromises to try and create a life together.My problem is that since the birth of our child things (for me at least) have been getting worse and worse. Our toddler has a mild disability which has made life exhausting over the past 2-3 years but there is so much more going on. I feel unhappy and trapped most days.There are things in my husbands attitude which I find incredibly hard to deal with. I have a health problem which has been made much worse with stress and exhaustion recently and I find my husbands attitude towards me and my health to be horrible. In the summer I collapsed on the floor and he simply stepped over me and got a chocolate cake to eat, over the holiday period I have hosted both sets of family and sacrificed my own work time for my MA in order to make the house lovely for guests. I caught a nasty cold and simply fell apart on Xmas eve, I was exhausted, shivering and aching all over. I said to him that I didn't feel well at lunchtime but struggled on, I put our son to bed and then fell into bed myself, not once from then to the following lunchtime did he check on me, bring me water, ask if I needed anything (he slept in the spare room). I even had to get up with our child at 3am which ended up with my crying on the floor because I hurt so much.Once I started feeling a bit better he started talking to me again but if I get ill he just shuts me out completely. This upsets me so much and I have talked to him about it several times but he just says – “well I don' think I should reward you with attention if you get ill.”This is just how he treats people, he chooses not to be sympathetic or tactful and he frequently creates ‘awkward’ conversations by refusing to do small talk or be polite, or deliberately arguing with people. We actually (I arranged it) went to relate and he spent the whole session deliberately being cold, argumentative, and nasty – when we got out I asked him why he had been behaving that way and was he angry – he just said he thought it would be amusing to do that and that counselling was a waste of time.The other big thing is that our sex life is terrible, he has quite kinky tastes which was fine with me when we met although I did say that I preferred a bit more of a mix between kinky and 'plain' sex. But he can't seem to have sex without it being kinky, he says he finds me incredibly attractive but he can't orgasm unless we do something kinky. My sex drive has dropped massively since a traumatic birth and ongoing tiredness and its an ongoing source of arguments now, I’d like to cuddle more but any time I initiate a cuddle he tries to turn it into sex.When things are going well, we can talk about things for ages - we share a point of view on subjects and interests. But every day we argue over something, and it feels like what we want out of life is drifting apart. At the moment I feel that we could be really really good friends, friends who can argue and yell at each other a bit but still remain friends. I think we can be great co-parents, I even think we could be good lovers on occasion, but I think that trying to maintain a marriage is killing all of those things in our relationship.I don’t know if staying and trying (yet again) to make things work will actually do some good this time, I don’t know if this will all get better once our child is older and we are less tired, I don’t know if I would be making a terrible mistake if I left. But I don’t’ feel that I can carry on like this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): you collapsed and he just stepped over you?! what a w*nker! that dudes got problems and if he's not willing to change then he isn't worth your trouble. you would be better without him. whatever you decide to do, GOOD LUCK.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): I believe your husband is, or has become, selfish, self-centered and uncaring about you. The counseling may help. I think his treatment of you when you are sick or unhappy is atrocious. You don't say what the kinky sex is, but it also may indicate his self-serving attitude. Wants everything his way, it sounds. Marriage should be a give and take affair, where both partners do equal giving. If you are truly unhappy most of the time, if afraid this may all be going south, but I sure dislike that a child is involved.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (1 January 2008):
 If you have only tried counseling for one session, I think you should try again. He sounds like he needs a third party to be objective, because he's not being objective at all! You are probably going through one of the most difficult parts of a relationship right now, infants and toddlers require a tremendous amount of work and you are going for your MA on top of that. The fact that he says you don't deserve any attention when you get sick is a big red flag. He doesn't seem to have very much empathy, and he needs some ELSE to point the job of husband and father out to him. Although most guys aren't the best at "being there" when people are sick, he sounds like an extreme case of it and he needs to be taught how to participate in your families life. Otherwise, his just sucking out more of your precious energy when you already have fifteen different hats to wear. He should also be participating in any appointments for your child, so that he is familiar with all of the needs and obligations that their disability presents. If he hears it from a professional, he will not be able to dispute any special treatments that your child requires and have to pitch in a bit more. I think you should insist of a minimum period of time with a counselor, perhaps 6 months? After that, then you might have to be strong and cut your losses if he hasn't changed at all. It's only my opinion, hope that things do improve for you. You are a very strong woman!
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A
male
reader, Neboraic +, writes (1 January 2008):
There is no point trying at the relationship if he isnt willing to change and if he doesnt see anything wrong with the way he is behaving. This is how it has been, this is how its always going to be.I know someone like your husband (cold, arguementative, selfish) (shes not a girlfriend or a wife) and i avoid her. One question to ask yourself is if you were back in time, the day he/you proposed, or even your first date, would you advise your younger self to love him or leave him. If the answer is leave you should consider doing just that. Does he do more bad than good, are you more happy than unhappy. Dont think there isnt a man out there who wants to take care of you. i wonder, if he knew it bothered you so much that you were willing to leave, would he change, does he love you enough to do that for you, i hope for your sake he does.
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