A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years and live with him.I've had some problems with my boyfriend for a while, maybe a year. He stopped being romantic and didn't go on dates or ever go out to spend time at the weekend with me. He would play computer games all the time.I got really upset about it and I had spoken to him about it and nothing had changed. I started to not feel any spark, respect or passion for him, which worried me a lot. I would suggest things and he would say no.So a few months ago I told him that it was getting so bad for me that I felt like I might want to see other people. He changed and started being nicer and spending time with me.It wasn't quite enough to get me back on track to how I used to feel at the moment and I have worries he could revert. But reserving judgment.So I went on holiday without him for just a girls week and when I came back he has asked me to marry him.Its all I wanted for so many years. Been together for 12. But because of that bad year (which he is trying to fix), I'm not sure if now is the right time or not. I can't imagine being with anyone else, so I said yes as its what I wanted before.But I'm wondering if it was OK or not. I'm not feeling 100% that I'm back to feeling excited and passionate about him. I'm hoping we will just get through it and there isn't a point in making a drama about saying no to engagement when we will end up together anyway.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 October 2018):
 I like "people watching" and I have noticed that people who have been together for many years without getting married (like you and your boyfriend), then suddenly decide to get married, usually end up getting divorced not long afterwards. There is a very simple reason for this: they have reached a "make or break" point in their relationship and try to use marriage as a sticking plaster. Marriage will not change something which is wrong with your relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend panicked when you went on holiday with your friends and a marriage proposal was his way of keeping you by his side.
Trust your gut instinct on this. You two have been together a long time and are very different people to when you first started dating. I don't know his age but you were 17 or younger at the start of the relationship. You are a very different person now to what you were then. Doubtless he is too.
Perhaps this relationship has run its course. While you can't "imagine" being with anyone else, that is just habit. You two need to sit down and talk about your expectations and desires and long term goals before making any long term decisions.
Perhaps the way forward is to simply not set a wedding date until you know for definite you still want to marry him.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 October 2018):
 1.) He changed his ways... And I bet it's only for a brief while .. when you threatened to leave him and start dating other men. He knows his limitations, he knows that you're too good for him and he probably himself wonders why you've been putting up with his ways for 12 years. He knows he's never going to find anyone else, let alone anyone else like you.
2.) He proposed to you, now, after 12 years and the timing is not just a coincidence. He did it because he's scared you may have met someone during your girls trip and/or your girlfriends may have tried to drill some sense into your head regarding him and you may indeed dump him.
The ring on your finger is the equivalent of a leash. I'm sorry but I really couldn't come up with anything better... But that's what it is. So you don't run away.
You also have to realise something else.
You're not married yet and you weren't engaged when you threatened to leave him so he made a little bit of an effort to keep you hooked. Once you DO get married to him, he will know that you have no way out and will resort to his lazy, useless ways all over again. I can bet my bottom dollar on this. Now the question for you is, are you willing to put up with this for the rest of your life?
Maybe you can't imagine being with someone else right now and you don't even have to imagine it... But that doesn't automatically mean that the other option is that you have to be with him! How about just being alone and see how that goes? It's not that bad trust me.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 October 2018):
 The very fact that you’re asking this question shows you don’t want to marry him. Look, there’s problems in your relationship and until they’ve been rectified then marriage would be a total disaster.
Things don’t magically fix their self because you have a ring on your finger, until you are 100% satisfied that he has changed his ways and signs of a relapse are slim I wouldn’t even consider marrying this guy.
This is YOUR LIFE at the end of the day, YOU will be the one regretting the decision if you just ‘hope you get through it’ as to ‘not cause a drama’. That’s a pretty silly way to look at it. Marrying someone when you’re not fully onboard with it is a surefire path to resentment and disappointment.
Until he sorts his act out, call it off. If he can’t do it then he’s not the man for you.
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