A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had split up for week, his decision and I was gutted but said I would respect his decision. I went out with a friend for a night out and i kissed two men.I love my boyfriend and I was upset with it all. We have now got back together but did I cheat on him and should i tell him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2018): I really didn't 'seek' comfort, the first one approached me and kept on doing so and the second was a few hours later, I was drunk and it was more as a laugh than anything else.
But I agree I did put myself in a vulnerable position as drinking made me make choices I wouldn't have made in the right frame of mind.
I'm not sure what he would say, he has hinted and asked indirectly but I have not told him anything, little point as it meant nothing.
Thank you for your reply and I take on board what you have said.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2018): Oh, I fully understand things we do out of impulse, pain, frustration, or spite. I'm not judging you, I'm looking at it from how your boyfriend would look at it; should he find-out.
It's not a good idea to rush into rebound situations; because your vulnerability places you at risk. When people who hardly know you see you in a state of pain or weakness; you place your feelings in their hands to do with them as they choose. What I meant was that shortly after a breakup you sought comfort with men, and you were likely intoxicated. If you didn't think it was wrong, why the guilt?
You may not have done it with spite in-mind; but the fact it was two guys in a row, was like you were trying to prove something.
I do agree with others that you should seek some light counseling just to get your head together. Allowing yourself to just let go in the way you did is still impulsive; and you wouldn't normally do something like that.
It's good it was out of town, and not in circles that you normally travel.
Don't ever bring it up, let it go. The guilt will subside. Always remember this, turning to random men for comfort when you're in a bad emotional state; could be dangerous in many ways. I called it spiteful, maybe irresponsible would have been a better word. In any case, keep it too yourself. You were apart at the time, and it's none of his business. He may have done some things too; but it isn't likely he will ever admit it. Guys rarely do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2018): He does know I went out but I have admitted nothing and I don't think I will. He did have every chance to make up with me over the three weeks, I tried to make up with him but he was being stubborn.We had a great weekend and I am trying my hardest not to talk about exes and focusing on the present time. And yes I am on the waiting list for Counselling, I know I have an OCD mind and trying to manage that.Some people should not class themselves as agony aunts on here, Wiseowl NOT being one of them, he gives amazing advice on a lot of questions. But sometimes the judgement creeps in based on what he does not understand or because he does not see he would ever do that, we are all different and we all make mistakes. The anon female, your opinion is complete judgement and you would help no one and you know absolutely nothing about me, my feelings or my life so I can happily ignore your opinion. N91 and Honeypie are fantastic advisors on here and I take their comments fully on board, I appreciate their advice on my post
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A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (22 October 2018):
Honestly, whenever I broke up with someone, if I wanted reports from friends, I got them within hours. Don't at all be shocked that you're back together, because you kissed other guys, and he learned about it, and was worried that you were moving on. Honestly, you should feel just fine about kissing another guy, if he was the one that broke up with you.
Remember, it was Kate Middleton's sister who made her go out and have a good time, when Prince William broke up with her, and made sure there was lots of reports she was having a good time with guys. That got back to William, drove him to jealousy, and they've never been broken up since. In fact, their marriage looks really strong, especially considering how much pressure they're under.
Personally, if you were my family member, I wouldn't feel bad about you, I would feel proud. You not only did nothing wrong, considering he broke up with you, you kinda did the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2018): The last poster, thanks for the drama queen response that you would basically become paralysed if you split with your boyfriend, let's hope for your sake he doesn't then. Jump on them? Wow a kiss is that haha okay. No didn't know them, but it's amusing to me you took the time to embellish my post.
Again thank you to the intelligent and reasoned replies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2018): Sorry but you sure didn't waste any time jumping on other men! You clearly weren't that devastated. If my long term BF left me, I'd be emotionally destroyed, unable to breathe, think, move... much less go out and pick up other men! You're going to cheat on him again. Yes, it was cheating because I think you had it in mind before the break up. I think one of these guys is who you had in mind to cheat with before your bf left you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 October 2018):
 Telling him what happened wouldn’t solve anything. I understand that you feel guilty, but you DID NOT cheat. You are single whilst on a break so you can do whatever you like and it’s no one else’s business.
You need to work on your insecurities, I second the advice of going to see a therapist to get to the root of your problems or things will be constantly round in circles resulting in a on/off relationship.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 October 2018):
 OP, telling someone something has to be in their best interest. Telling someone because you feel guilty is selfish. However, I think you know what you need to do and I think you'll need a therapist to do it.
I'm glad you're both going to try to make it work, but I think you'll struggle if you don't get professional help to improve your communication.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2018): I am allowed to defend myself. I asked a question and I appreciate all the replies on the actual question on did I cheat or not and should I tell him.Where from that does 'Wiseowl' see that I am trying to make him jealous, that I don't care, that we are playing games in some way? Erm no. No games, we had an argument that should have been resolved differently, but it wasn't. I tried for three weeks to see my boyfriend. I was devastated in that time, how do I know, because I know how I felt, I know myself far more than a man who only knows or thinks he knows how I feel based on a few words I have written. I have not once denied the fault and blame lies with me, no defensiveness on that feedback. But to be told I am vindictive, only want to tell him because I think someone else will, well that is a complete wrong assumption. You would do well to remember that people who write in have real problems in their lives and it could be very hurtful to be so judgmental, talk about kicking someone when they are down. I know what I need to do, I know full well it is not for him to fix me. I know I need to work on myself, not once have I denied that. But I did nothing spitefully nor do I plan on telling him to try and make him jealous, it would be because I feel guilty. Neither of us 'Play games' trying to get at each other, we are two people who were single for many years trying to work out how to work in a relationship in which we do love each other but we both make our own mistakes.So thank you for all the advice that was meant well, I appreciate it and I think it will be best I say nothing because it meant nothing and would achieve nothing admitting to something I did when we was not together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2018): He would not entertain meeting me to sort things out for three weeks, we live in separate towns, I went out to a separate town from us both. He is not the jealous type and I would NOT do it out of malice, not defensive facts.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 October 2018):
I think you may be getting too defensive to appreciate the advice from us, but hopefully you’ll be able to cool off and hear us out.
No, you didn’t cheat, but your way of coping isn’t healthy either and is rather self-destructive. Drinking and kissing other guys after only a week of being “on a break”, not even a break up? Bad choices and harmful, as you’re learning now.
Even if you don’t go there together, that doesn’t mean it won’t get back to him. That said, telling him won’t help either. If it comes out, that’s probably it for the two of you, but you accepted the risk when you did it.
Get some therapy for your insecurities or you’ll sabotage any relationships and continue making immature decisions. As for him, communicate with each other and possibly couples’ counselling for a session or two to learn how to handle the way things have been going. If a break or break up was considered, it means there is a serious underlying problem, even if you don’t know it.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (18 October 2018):
No and no. You didn’t cheat on him and no you shouldn’t tell him. There is no upside to telling him. But going out and kissing men to make yourself feel better or to somehow get back at your BF is not really a sign of emotional maturity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): You know what Wise Owl you are so wrong on this one. I haven't seen him for three weeks, because we fell out and I tried to put it right then two weeks in he said it was over. Now I am not going to deny it was my doing on that score. But no I did not kiss two other men out of spite and no it will not get back to him either, I doubt that very much because it was not a place we go to together.I messaged him the afternoon I was going out, he read it and he ignored my message which was a very clear sorry and wanting all the best to him, accepting it was over. I went out upset, I kept looking to see if he had messaged me but he didn't. I got attention and at that point I had drank, resigned myself that I was single and he didn't want me.He messaged me at nearly midnight and no he had no idea I was out, I never rubbed his nose in anything before you accuse me of that. He knows we had broken up and he has asked if I met anyone in the time I didn't see him and I have said no, which is true. I am NOT out to hurt him, far from it hence why I feel bad that I did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): You kissed two men spitefully. You had only been apart for week, and didn't consider the possibility he'd cool-off and you would make-up. You couldn't give it a week? You were so upset kissing other guys was your only way to handle it?
Had it not been publicly, where people might have seen you; you'd have nothing to worry about. It's likely to get back to him, and you'll breakup for good.
If you were really all that messed-up over breaking-up; I don't think you would have let another man near you! I think deep down inside, you wanted to hurt him. If it was his idea to breakup; he must have had reason(s). Now he's got another. Spite came-back to bite you!
Maybe he did the same and kissed other women, and you're both even. If you start a cycle of on-again/off-again; it's a hot mess of a relationship, and isn't likely to work anyway. It means jealousy and/or possessiveness is what holds it together. If you know he's jealous, your first move was to do something you knew would blow his mind. You hurt yourself as well. Two guys in one night?!! Seriously?!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): He is not in contact with any of them and doesn't want to be. I know its not his place to fix my insecurities and the problem lies with how I think.
We get on very well, other than my feeling insecure. I went out, I was down, he had told me the week before it was over. I drank too much and kissed two men, it meant nothing.
We both very much want to work it out and I know that means I have to work on the way I am, not him. Thank you for your advice
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 October 2018):
 I am with N91,
Relationships that takes breaks or NEED breaks are not viable long term.
Relationships that DO work is when you can TALK about this, compromise, trust and respect each other.
If you felt so inferior to his exes, is that something you have worked on while on break or was all you did kiss other dudes to fill a void and get attention?
Do you expect your BF to cater to your insecurities about his exes? As is constantly tell you that you are better, that he cares more etc.? HE IS NOT responsible for fixing your insecurities. YOU are.
Because that isn't realistic.
HE was/is with you because he WANTS to be with you, not his exes.
If he (however) still keeps contact with exes, then you will have to consider if you want to date a guy who hangs on to exes or not.
You need to WORK on your insecurities and the reason you FEEL like you weren't as loved/cared for and WHY you think you have to compare yourself to his exes.
Why do I say that? Because if you don't... you will REPEAT the past over and over with this guy.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 October 2018):
 Ross and Rachel have re-defined "we were in a break" and we've all learnt that no good ever comes out of it.
Splitting for a week is not just extremely childish and immature, it also goes to show how ill equipped he is to deal with problems.
While you didn't do anything wrong kissing the other guys, you can be pretty sure that your relationship is fast approaching it's expiry date.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): We have been together 18 months, love each other but I constantly compare myself to his exes and how he felt about them compared to me.
We had a silly argument which led to me comparing how he felt about them. No I don't think for one minute he is interested in anyone else and I'm not either, I just felt rejected.
We both want to work things out and move forward but I kissed them and I feel guilty
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 October 2018):
 No, you didn't cheat. He chose to put the relationship on temporary hold.
Are you just back together because he couldn't find someone else or because you really want to be together? Like N91, I am always dubious when people need a "break".
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 October 2018):
I don’t beat around the bush when it comes to cheaters, they are the lowest of the low and I am always very blunt with them when they come to this site.
I wouldn’t class what you did as cheating as when you’re on a break you’re technically not together and can do as you please.
I will add that whenever a relationship needs a break, it really doesn’t bode well for the future. In all honesty I think they’re pointless, they’re the sign of a dying relationship and showing that something isn’t working. It’s usually a case of the issue in question being temporarily fixed before it comes back into play.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2018): No
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