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female
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anonymous
writes:I am hoping that one of the agony aunts can help me sort this out. I had a bit of a fling with a guy and then found out he had a girlfriend. I had known him for a long time before anything happened and was hurt when I found out but we maintained a friendship through email...he was honest about the fact that he would not be leaving his girlfriend. I think that keeping in touch through email was a mistake as I still had feelings for him. Due to a series of stressful events in other areas I kind of lashed out at him and told him I could not maintain a friendship....at least not for awhile. I guess keeping in touch through email was giving false hope to me and I thought a clean break was better. I said some things in that final email that were a little unkind but he responded fairly graciously. This guy is a nice person and has been open about continuing to offer friendship but for some reason I would prefer to have no contact then to be in that situation. My question is...was it wrong of me to accept a friendship and then....just like that know that I could not do it anymore? Is a it better to make a clean break sometimes? Reply to this Question
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reader, eddie +, writes (24 June 2007):
 What category of friend would he fall under? With friends like that, who needs enemies?
OK, what makes this guy a good choice for a friend. He's a liar, cheater, uncaring and void of integrity. When you kept in touch with him after finding out his secret, you began to join ranks with him. That would put you in the same category, if you chose to continue this way. It didn't matter what you thought or desired. The only thing that mattered after you found out the truth was what you decided to do with that information. Be a cheater like him or do the right thing.
I can't not understand what you see in him to classify him as gracious or nice. So, yes it is wrong to accept his friendship !!! Friends go for walks, have dinner, paint the fence, help in bad times etc. This guy creates bad times. He's not a friend and you guys were having a fling. Don't confuse the two things.
If you don't believe me, ask his girlfriend, if she says it's OK to be friends, then go for it. I'll bet he says no or...."You can have the !@#$# to yourself !!"
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 June 2007):
 You have done no wrong.
To me, you had this "fling" with him because you were sincerely interest in him. If he had been honest with you -and his girl-, he either would not have had the fling, or would not have kept his girl. His saying that he wouldn't leave his girlfriend means he did not think much of your "fling" (I use this word because I wish I knew another I could use better, as English is not my native tongue).
A clean break would have been better for you, yes, but you were not ready for that at the moment. You did nothing wrong for accepting his friendship. You did feel something for him and were hoping he would come your way. You have found out this is not happening, so it's only normal for you to prefer no contact.
My heart is with you.
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