A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm talking to this guy and every now and then he goes and hangs out with his ex girlfriend. He knows that I don't like it at all because when hes with her I tell him not to speak to me. He tells me that hes sorry and hes trying to end things on a good note with her. I know they never do anything because he text me the whole time and she has a boyfriend as well. Anyway, We had plans to see each other on his birthday but his ex is a friend and she wanted o hang out with him or see him or his birthday. He decided that he would go and see her the day before. He asked me if it was okay and I said go ahead but he knew I was mad and saw he decided to see her anyway I didn't want to get upset with him because it was for his birthday but I did and I told him I just don't want to be with him anymore, or talk to him anymore. and NOw he's upset with me telling me that He doesn't understand why I would do that to him on his birthday. SO I told him id talk to him on his birthday but after that Im done. Hes been depressed the whole day and everything and he keeps yelling at me . I feel like I ruined his birthday. Am I wrong for saying and doing what I did or do I have every right to react that way ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2013):
 The light just came on with your followup.
Wake up! His "ex" is not his ex. You are the piece of strange on the side. You are the girl he keeps around in case he wants to cheat on his CURRENT girlfriend.
What a complete waste of time. No guy you "talk" to has a right to refuse you to do anything.
CUT. YOUR. LOSSES.
You're being made out to be the fool and the coward and he knows it. So what are you going to do about it?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Oh for heaven's sake, he's got you aging like a side of beef in a fridge. He's "talking" with you? PFFFFFFFFSHAW. That's a load of cow manure. As in a load of SHIT.He refuses to let you see other people? HA! HAahahahahaha! Omg, are you really going to let a guy like this dictate your life?He's a jerk. A user. A liar. A schmoozer. It's almost laughable, though I do see that you sincerely believe his nonsense."Talking" translated means that he's feeding you a load of BS about not being able to date. My grandmother would have seen through this guy. Get rid of him ASAP!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 I'd say that maybe you trust the situation even too much... six what ? Six MONTHS ?! and he hasn't asked you out yet because " he is waiting for the right time " ?...
He could not find a right time in six months ?... what is he waiting for exactly, what is it that would make the time right : a special planetary alignment, a fireworks show , a papal blessing ?
He is SO stringing you along.
It may be for ego stroking as SVC says, or... I have another theory : he is not making you "official " and he keeps you at this vague " talking " stage, because then the other girl ( the not so ex who does not feel like an ex and does not act like an ex ) would be mightily ,mightily pissed and would stop stroking his ego ( or other parts of him ).
But , whatever is the reason, you'd better extricate yourself from this strange arrangement where you are exclusive, committed and monogamous , while he ... is waiting for the right time ( whatever this may mean ).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): He's playing you, OP. Keeping you hanging on but not willing to give the other girl up nor actually be your boyfriend. 6 months is more than enough time. Ditch the fool.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2013):
 "We have been "talking" for 6 months and he refuses to let me see other people because he's "waiting for the right time to ask me out". I feel if I cant see other people, neither can he... "
SERIOUSLY... talking for six months... crud by six months every man that has ever married me knew he was going to marry me...
this idiot is just stringing you along for his ego stroke...
kick him to the curb.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 If you had mentioned the double standard in the post then people wouldn't think you were controlling. Turns out he is not a softy/pussy but a selfish passive aggressive person. Now I know this girl knows about you too. I have no idea why you are still keeping this friendship. Is it that you refuse to lose to his ex? The three of you are playing games but all of you are getting something out of it. At the end his ex still gets the boyfriend (I don't know for how long) and have the ex still pining for her. Your friend gets two women liking him and what do you get? Just a selfish guy keeping you on the hook. Who cares how his birthday went. Just get on with your life and forget him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well I'm sorry that it may seem comical to you, but its very serious to me. We have been "talking" for 6 months and he refuses to let me see other people because he's "waiting for the right time to ask me out". I feel if I cant see other people, neither can he... He was with this girl for almost a year before they broke up and I don't trust her one bit, she hates me and she still has feelings for him, she's made that clear.the reason I said okay is because before when he would ask me I would get upset and he would go anyway so I just say okay because my answer really doesn't make a difference. And I didn't even get to see him on his birthday, he had to work, and after work he was too tired so we just talked on the phone.. He really made an effort to see her but with me its like. he didn't care. I'm not trying to seem like a controlling monster or anything, I just treat him the way he treats me. He's friends with his other exes and I don't care but its just her....the feelings she has towards me and for him. I don't trust the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): I don't know which is worse : the way you behave so controllingly and as if you have a right to decide who he can be friends with, or the fact that he asks your permission if he wants to see his friend.
That said, I am sorry but it is almost comical to see who can outdo the other in passive aggressiveness.
You tell him not to talk to you when he is with her even though you know you'd be upset if he didn't text you while he was with her.
Then he asks your permission to see her and you say go ahead even though you make it clear that you are angry. You aren't trying to be understanding you're definitely making clear you're angry yet telling him it's ok he can see her. This is passive aggressive because you didn't really mean it when you told him its OK with you instead you wanted him to know its not OK but without you saying it. Then he sees you're mad but he goes to see her anyway even though he made a show of asking if its ok with you. You wanted him to read between the lines rather than go by the words you spoke. He read between the lines alright but then pretended he hadn't. This is almost comical. I think you both need to grow up.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (22 September 2013):
 I can't agree with Aunty chigirl I'm afraid.
Even if the OP is young, she's asking for our opinion and in my opinion she has overreacted.
Yes they may be young but if this guy fancies her and was maybe considering her as his girlfriend he'll be gutted that she's bawled him out on his birthday!
I don't care how young someone is, there's no excuse for them dictating who someone can talk too.
Even, as you say, if there was more to this guy seeing his ex (despite the OP stating quite clearly that there isn't), she needs to decide whether he's worth pursuing. It is still not acceptable to bully someone and make them feel bad!
I totally agree that she IS clearly upset but the reality is about what? There are no rules that say ex's have to hate each other or that they can't be friends without being lovers. They may have split up because they were good as friends but didn't work as a couple and have maintained a friendship! It does happen.
This young girl clearly has jealousy issues and maybe even needs some help to manage her temper.
If the OP is told that it's ok to act this way and the guy is being "precious" about his birthday then you're not offering her any help at all. I am too old to care much about birthdays anymore but if my husband and I rowed on that I day, yes I would feel crappy all day and the day would be ruined for me.
AB
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): You're "just talking " so you're not in a committed relationship so you have no right to dictate who he can and cant spend his time with. Even if you were married you still have no right to demand who the other person can and can't talk to.
Also you can get upset if you want but acting out on it like you did being a dictator and everything he does must be according to your wishes, is basiccally being an a######.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 September 2013):
 Btw, in case people think I condone the OP's behaviour, I'm not. Yes, the reaction is childish, but she's young. We all acted that way when we were her age. But never the less such a reaction doesn't come from nothing. Even if it wasn't clear from the post and we don't know the details, I think there had to be more to him seeing his ex than just "friendship". The OP probably wouldn't have gotten this worked up about it if it was truly innocent.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 September 2013):
Young Americans are the only people I've ever heard of who were so self righteous about "their day". You didn't ruin his birthday, and his birthday is just as special as any other day. You are right to be honest and upset at him when he does things that upset you, and if he didn't want an argument on his "special" day then he should have behaved himself.
By the way, if you ruined his party by throwing a big scene I'd have sympathy for him, but he doesn't get the ENTIRE day to be treated like a king. He gets to have his little party if he holds one, and he is entitled to a "congratulations" and perhaps a gift, but if he's acting like a dick then he's not excused just because it's his birthday.
Stop talking to this guy, and stop thinking you need to treat people special on their birthday. They're not the king or queen on their birthday, it's just the day they were born, not the day they become royal. He's just full of himself.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 September 2013):
 You acted like an ass.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): OP this guy is a bit of a doormat, go find yourself a guy who is able to match you in terms of personality.
He asks you is it okay to see his friend? He lets you dictate who he can and can't be friends with?
What a pussy.
You didn't ruin his birthday, he did. He's too soft. He can't say no to you and he can't say no to this other girl. Well boo-hoo let him cry all he wants.
OP if me and you were just "talking" and you tried this emotional blackmail/jealousy crap about a girl who's an ex but I still hang out with from time to time, we'd no longer be "talking".
I mean you said it yourself, you know they're not doing anything, and she has a boyfriend so what's the problem? Petty jealousy is all this seems like.
Stop playing these immature little games and really look at the manipulative, horrible crap you're pulling.
"I said go ahead but he knew I was mad"
Oh so it was one of those "go ahead, but I'm going to make you suffer if you do" type things. You said go ahead OP, that means you have no right to be angry. He, like the doormat he is, asked your permission and you said "go ahead". That to me is permission.
"He doesn't understand why I would do that to him on his birthday."
I do, because you wanted to hurt him as badly as you feel hurt by his inability to fall for your manipulation.
Don't worry OP, dumping him on his birthday is a case of being cruel to be kind. It's a kindness in that he no longer has to deal with these games you insist on playing because you're too possessive and jealous.
OP you didn't ask this but I'm going to say it. You can't treat people like they're your property, blackmail them, punish them and then dump them on their birthday intentionally to hurt them just because they don't do what you say.
Does nothing seem wrong in that kind of behaviour to you?
You know it's okay to call it off with a guy if there are things you don't like about him, that's fine. But the games, control, blackmail, manipulation, jealousy, you may think that's cool or something but girls like that are a nightmare OP. You'll find it very hard to get respect from guys if that's how you treat them. I used to take great pleasure in using girls like that for sex before discarding them and laughing at the idea that I was some kind of bad guy.
Anyway forget this pussy and go find a guy who likes games OP. Even your question is rhetorical one as you very clearly feel you had every right to act the way did. When he did nothing wrong but try to appease you.
Go find a guy who can say no.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): It's too soon for you to try and start anything serious with a guy who still has a thing for his ex. They aren't really over the breakup; if he wants to see her, in spite of upsetting you.
You really have no say, until he is in a "committed" relationship with you. For now, you're just a girl he met on the rebound; and he is a guy in the emotional stages of a breakup.
He still has feelings for her, and will only hurt you if you continue to cling to him before he has gotten over her.
Don't allow yourself to fixate on this guy emotionally. It is far too soon.
At best, anything you try to start at this point will be confusing and frustrating. They will go back and forth; because they don't know how to detach. He'll leave you for her at a moment's notice; even after you've invested your feelings. You'd be truly hurt.
You were being selfish and desperate. You did ruin his birthday. By acting like he was your boyfriend, when he isn't. He has no emotional obligation to anyone at this point. Not even to her. That is because they have broken up. He is considered single, and free to do whatever he wants. So is she. You as well.
I strongly advise you to continue seeing other guys until you know for certain they have totally detached, and he's not running back to her. You may even find someone totally uninvolved, and not have to sit around waiting for his free time. You don't deserve that.
You're a single lady and should be enjoying your freedom. For now, his feelings are still strong for her, and not strong enough for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 September 2013):
If there's one thing I can ever impress upon you, it's this:
Never *ever* lower yourself.
If you're just "talking" to this guy and you find out he's still messing with his ex and that's unacceptable to you, then end it then. By you telling him you won't speak to him, and then keep speaking to him, you lower yourself. You probably didn't ruin his birthday because he knows your threats are chickensh*t. You've told him before you don't want anything to do with him while he's hanging with an ex, but your actions don't measure up to your words.
Also, you lowered yourself when he asked you if it was okay he hung out with his ex on his birthday, you said it was okay. Then you made the scene. Why not tell him that it was not okay, and that you were done and then NOT see him on his birthday? Again, you bluster loudly, but in the end, you're still running after him.
And now? You're all depressed, but guess what?? You're *STILL* talking to him! You said he "keeps yelling at you?" Sorry, but if you said you were done talking to him after his birthday, then what are you doing talking to him after his birthday??? That's lowering yourself.
Stop regretting. Stop the depression. End the relationship and actually DO what you're going to say. He has chosen to keep his ex close. You making scenes, threatening, sulking, complaining, silent treatments, and ruining birthdays are not effective. End it, walk away, and find someone without an ex as baggage. And don't say or listen to one more word with him.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 September 2013):
Does "two wrongs don't make a right" ring a bell? If you want to be a healthy and happy adult, it's time to learn that when you don't like what your boyfriend does, you don't get revenge, you fix the problem. Revenge only makes things worse.
And complaining over and over again about him seeing his girlfriend obviously wasn't the right course of action. If you don't like what your boyfriend is doing you tell him. If he continues to do it you either have to accept it or make it clear that if it continues you're leaving. Constantly complaining has never improved a relationship.
Also, if I was you I wouldn't be so sure that his visits were innocent just because text him the whole time and she has a boyfriend. I'm not saying they weren't innocent, but claiming that you know there's nothing going on is a little naive considering who he's going to see and that he put her happiness above yours.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (21 September 2013):
You went from "talking to this guy every now and then" to "don't want to be with him anymore," and he has been depressed about this situation, or other things. Which suggests there are feelings on both sides and neither of you would admit there is a thing between you two. Also he had to ask if it's okay for the ex to be at the party. So you are not a casual friend. And what's up with the yelling? He got so emotional, so this friendship meant more than what it looks like on the surface.
You are not in a relationship with this guy, but maybe this is something you hoped but is wise enough not to pursue him because of his attachment to his ex. You suppressed your feelings but then they came out at the wrong time.
You are free to end a friendship when it doesn't satisfy you, as much as he is free to be a friend to his ex. But to do this on a birthday it's similar to breaking up before finals. There were better ways to handle this. Maybe you should have delayed that speech after he had celebrated a good birthday. Feelings don't wait and you were upset that he sees his ex as more important than you. Technically you have no right to tell him what to do, but he's letting you and is asking for your input. You mean more to him than the technical label that you lack at that moment.
He was not at a good point in life. However to expect the two of you girls to be happy together is unrealistic. You were upset he chose her. With or without you his birthday would not be ideal anyway. He had a history with her and you are just a supportive friend.
It's quite easy to say you don't like this guy and his ways, then drop him. In your case I suspect that he's feeding you lies about ending things and just stringing you along. He probably started with the line, "I just broke up and not looking for anything serious." You said okay, waited and waited, but not really okay.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (21 September 2013):
Yes, you probably have ruined his birthday and what for?
He's friends with his ex, you already admit there's nothing going on between them as she's moved on, and I think it's nice that they can still be mates.
Your letter makes it sound as if he's not your boyfriend, he's just a guy you talk to, but either way, where the hell do you get off, telling people who they can and can't see or speak too?
He already decided to see his ex the day before his birthday so he could spend the day with you and you kick off!
This poor guy must really like you to put up with that kind of behaviour.
You are coming across as being very needy and jealous and I think that if you are to be able to have any kind of relationship with anyone at all you need to address those issues.
I think you would benefit from some sort of counselling to help establish where these feelings come from and deal with them. If you don't your behaviour will poison every relationship you enter into.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 September 2013):
 Yes you were wrong for acting up because you are not in a relationship with this guy and that makes him a free agent to see and speak to whosoever he wishes.
It's not a crime to have friends or remain in touch with ex's if it's on a platonic basis and some people do stay friends and still care about eachother which is something you need to accept and get your head around.
You cannot tell him what to do or sulk and bitch to manipulate him...it's dumb and stupid and controlling!
Your actions have probably shown him that you are unbalanced and unable to be rational when he wants to do something perfectly normal (see a friend on his Birthday)...perhaps you have issues surrounding jealousy, maybe someone cheated on you before, but there are no grounds here for you to ruin his birthday because he didnt do anything wrong.
Speak to someone about why you have trust and jealousy issues because if you don't deal with it, it will wreck your chance of having a happy relationship in the future.
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