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female
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*harif
writes: I'm married 22 years to a man who is good to me and who is very attracted to me, I respect him, I'm grateful for him. I wasn't in love when I married him. My selfish focus was to have a family and believed I would eventually be attracted to him in time. Foolish, I know. I've read every book and article on "making the marriage of your dreams". I've had counseling. I tell myself, "I am in love and very attracted to my Husband" but there is nothing more than feelings of respect. I don't wish to complain cuz things could be so much worse but I'd love to be attracted to him! Help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2006): Dear Sharif:I have some sort of the same problem as you have with your husband. I have been married for 09 years, but with my life it comes with less and less attraction, he doesn´t hear what I say, I have to accept his believes on things and the list goes on...I accept myself that I am not happy, but a fear of leaving him! Maybe that is your problem: NOT ACCEPTING WHAT YOUR HEART SAIDS!!! My mother suffered from depression and stayed in a clinic for over a month; but in her case she was divorced and lonely. Sharif, you should help yourself! 22 years of married life is a long time! For both of you, and the sake of your kids, one has to step out!
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female
reader, bodylotion +, writes (28 March 2006):
 So you've been stringing him along for 22years?I don't think so.You must have some sort of physical attraction to this man or you wouldn't of stayed in this realtionship so long.If your not happy with him then don't continue this relationship as it will be heart ache for both of you but i think it would be good for you and your husband to get counsiling,mabe speak together and find out what is causing this realationship to bend and see if it can be repaired.
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female
reader, Sharif +, writes (28 March 2006):
Sharif is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your encouragement! The heading to my question wasn't written by me, but by those who approve and publish this site. My definition of attraction meant sharing things in common, beliefs, things of that nature. I give little thought to the physical looks of a person. After reading the number of responses, I realize I edited way too much from my original. I wanted to be concise and not over explain, but wait for maybe, any requests to further add to my situation/question. I've never posted anything before so have patience, OK? I deleted, "After we were married the first few years my attraction had changed, we were experienceing some real harsh difficulties and I questioned myself and thought", which prefixed, "I wasn't in love when I married...etc. Comment, "Foolish, I know!" was in reference to thinking that, because I learned later that it is common for spouses to think that when things get rough. Since then I've read self help books thru out our married life when this feeling of doubt comes over me. I never blame my husband. Anyways, I deleted so much, maybe I shouldn't have but I wasn't thinking my other half would be viewing my words. I've made no blame towards my husband and kept the issue about my own responsibility in this relationship. I neglected to inform that I've recently been treated for clinical depression and had 4 weeks of NO symptons. I panic because 3 days ago I was experienceing them again, and even though I see a good counselor (male), I wanted to hear from other women who may have experienced what I was feeling... Struggle to feel attraction for their mate. For me it's off and on, but seems more off. As for being unhappy all 22 years, NO, but I do see now, that one might interupt that. My unhappiness is been with me, something missing in me maybe, hard to be objective of oneself. My doctor has tested me for several causes and he's wanting to explore the possiblities of "in ability to emotionally bond, partly due to my being an adopted child. I don't think so, but I remain open. I want wanted a few ideas, without involving my spouse. I'm sure there's stuff I've left out, but I think I've made myself clearer although still a mystery to me. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): Sharif, perhaps having your husband see this posting may be a good thing, depending on the kind of man he is. This could open up 'this touchy issue' to you both talking and making solid efforts to keeping your marriage up and running. If he's upset and hurt, at first-that's understandable. If his hurt turns into anger, if it drags on and he doesn't get over it or refuses to forgive and really work at this..then I think you may have other much deeper problems on your hands, hun because marriage is not a place for grudges and ongoing anger. Marriage is a place of acceptance, compromise and working together to resolve issues. good luck
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female
reader, Sharif +, writes (28 March 2006):
Sharif is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery bad news. My husband saw the question/message last night. He's very hurt and angry with me, I don't blame him. The very thing I didn't want to happen. I just needed some advice or insight, without mentioning to anyone who knew of us, therefore protecting our privacy. I'm sure what I'm struggling with, is not that uncommon.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): It seems that you have been very unhappy for 22 years! You are fooling youself as a woman! Don´t be afraid of what you wrote because you wanted advice, someone to help you! The best thing you should do is to talk to your husband and clear things up by maybe leave for a while until both think that is better to be together or go separate ways!!!It´s difficult, but it´s for your own happiness!
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female
reader, Italie  +, writes (28 March 2006):
 I have been in a similar position but am a step further than you so I feel I can give you an insight in to what could happen.
I married a man that I wasnt attracted to. Occasionally I'd catch a glimpse of him and think "maybe I am attracted to you" but it never lasted long. We were really good friends and didnt argue much. Had a son together and he was a great dad but for the 5 years we were together I always wondered what it would be like to be physically attracted to someone and have that tingle in your stomach.
I met a man who gave me that tingle and thought I'd found proof that I shouldnt be with my husband and left. I then started a relationship with the new man. I was devstated at how much I'd hurt my husband as he was completely devoted to me. I had hurt him so much and felt terribly guilty - I actually ended up ill because of the stress of how terrible I felt for doing that to him when he didnt deserve it.
Now, 2 years after leaving him, I am still with the new man but am secretly phoning and meeting my ex. Not for anything illicit but that we can talk for hours and I really respect him. He is officially my best friend.
I am suspicious with my new man and dont trust him completely. An issue I would never have had with my ex. I always thought that the relationship I am in is what I was looking for but now I appreciate what I had. Luckily my ex still wants to be friends with me but maybe yours wont be as forgiving.
Obviously the choice is yours and if you dont want to spend the rest of your life wondering what may have been then you should move on, however, take it from me, you may just wish you could turn back the clock when you see what problems other men bring.
If I could turn back time I'd appreciate my husband more and realise that alhough we didnt have a spark, we had a deeper love that I think I could ever find with anyone else and I think if you have been there 22 years you will find the same. I just didnt realise it at the time.
I hope this helps in some way. You're not alone. Good luck xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): The feeling you want have to come from deep within you. It is entirely possible that a physical attraction could develop. Attraction is complicated so you just need to change your perspective and the way you 'look' at him. The trust and the deep respect is a great start. But you have to really open your eyes and see him for the great man he truely is. Just because you didn't feel sparks initially doesn’t mean you never will and can't, especially if he's as great as you say. Many people say that attraction increases as their relationships grows and gets 'well seasoned', so to speak.
People has different approaches to romance, and sometimes you need to figure each other out and grow comfortable with being physical with each other. Maybe you haven't got there, yet. Can you be bold enough to teach or tell your husband what works for you romantically? Who knows- you may discover things about him that can allow you to increase your attraction. For example, demonstrate to him how you like to be kissed or caressed. Another thing to try. Why don't you take this opportunity to "date" your husband for a while. It really sounds like he is a gem and you have to look beyond the physical and find something wonderful about him that makes you swoon whenever he's close by. The fact that he loves and adores you, should be a turn on. Many of us women out here would find that irresistable.
You cannot remake someone entirely, but you can help some positive changes along. Tell him what is attractive to you in an encouraging way. Let him know what kind of clothing you like to see him in. Let him know what type of cologne you like, when he wears it. Help him understand how he can become more attractive to you. Even if you don't feel 'it' right away, keep giving him a fair shake. But remember, you can be attracted to someone's physical attributes, but how long does that alone last? Is it the foundation of a loving, inspirational, and challenging, wonderful relationship? I think you do have 'real love' right under your nose. You are just too focused on the physical and not the kind, good loving husband he truely is. That is 'real love'.You just have to look at the man for what he is 'inside'..his strengths, his intellect, his values.
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female
reader, Sharif +, writes (28 March 2006):
Sharif is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately, my husband got into my email and read my question and is seriously devastated! I was hoping to find some encouragement and some advice for my problem without hurting him, instead this request for help has made a bigger mess for both of us. so now, I need anyone who is willing to say prayers that he will forgive me and see this as, me trying to get anonymous help. Please don't respond if it's not positive, I've already beat myself up, enough. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2006): firstly it really was selfish for you to enter into a marriage under false protenses. this man (may) believes that this a loving marriage, he doesnt expect his wife to of married him because she was looking for a father for her future children. but i am surprized that you've stuck it out for 22 years its showxs you really do wish to work on your marriage. i dont personally believe in instant love, i prefer love that grows over time because then there is a stronger bond between you. but if your feelings havent changed after 22 years i dont see how they will.
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