A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a horrible person. I have a really great friend. She is by far the kindest and most sincere and loyal friend I have ever had. She's such a true friend that I truley.think if it came down to it she would throw herself in front of a car to save my life. But, there's a big problem and the problem, well, its my issue. I am so jealous of her. We're both attractive but she gets more attention than me. She's tall, slim, light-skinned, light eyes, nice hair, sophisticated, independent, smart, kind. No matter where we go people stop her and compliment her. She's drop dead gorgeous and walks with incredible confidence. The thing is she hates the attention. I get so jealous and I dont know why but Im starting to resent her for it. My eyes are brown so I wear colored contacts because I want light eyes. I'm attractive but obviously not as attractive as her. Were both lesbians and were dating but Im sorta of fkn us up by degrading her on the sly because Im jealous. I want to stop beating her down but thats the only way I know how to react to all the attention she gets. She looks like a runway model. She turns everybodys head, men and women. I have to be fake and wear fake eyes and apply makeup techniques to look good. Shes all naturally beautiful. Gorgeous gorgeous sexy light eyes stand out for miles. Shes hottttt! So many men and women druel over her. Help me please before I end up causing her to dump me for being an a**hole fool.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 February 2013):
 If I had a nickel for every girl who condescended to go on a date with me.... and who was demonstrably hotter than I am.... I would be one very-wealthy guy....
WHY does this issue even EXIST in your head?????
Good luck....
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 February 2013):
OP, I think that if you shift your focus from being pretty to being the kind of person you'd be proud of, with personality traits like integrity, loyalty and kindness, this jealousy and insecurity issues will fade away. And I know it sounds cliche, but being a good person will give you the kind of beauty looks alone never will.
You're going to need to see how ridiculous your priorities in life have become. At your age, you know your looks are only going to get further from the youthful standard magazines present to us. That's life. That's nature. You can't fight it, just accept it and make the best of it.
Stop caring about looks and start caring about health. And emotional health. All those negative emotions are causing stress and that takes a toll on you. All that makeup is clogging up your pores, causing blemishes. Those colored contacts are irritating your eyes and trust me, no-one will ever think that's your natural eye color. Even hand painted colored contacts look fake. Being you is good enough.
Look, people can sense insecurity. They can see through your mask. That's why they don't give you as much attention or compliments as they do your gf. Your girlfriend is comfortable in her own skin. People notice it, notice the positivity and that's why they give her attention.
Ever notice how positive, calm and confident people--no matter their looks-- never have trouble making friends? It's because people like to be around positivity. Contrary to popular belief, being the insecure, tortured human being with tons of issues and bagage doesn't make other people want to get to know you. They've got their own stuff, they don't want to carry yours.
So try to re-evaluate your life. What's dragging you down? Try to shed the baggage, the makeup, the mirrors and all the superficial influences in your life. Get counselling if need be. It's no shame if you need help overcoming your issues. It's only a shame if you don't call in help when you need it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 I agree with YouWish, and want to tell you that this is really true. It is your jealousy that makes you ugly, and it is her inner beauty that makes her beautiful on the outside too.
If you start to love yourself for who you are, respect yourself and your body, and start to find comfort in who you are.. then you will not need to find validation in the attention you receive from others. You will find validation within yourself.
This isn't about your girlfriend. You are feeling ugly and not attractive regardless of her. There are always going to be people in the word for you to compare yourself with, whether you have a gorgeous girlfriend or not. You will always compare yourself to others, and always put yourself and other down. This is about YOU, not her. And you need to start dealing with the problems you have.
I think the comment about coloured contacts is a perfect example of your problem. Who ever said light eyes were more beautiful than dark eyes? No one. And they aren't. It's not that one colour is more beautiful than the other, colours are different, but not more or less than each other. Even so, you still rank colours, and you put your own eye colour below hers. But it is neither above hers or below hers, an eye colour is an eye colour, and they are just as unique and beautiful in their own right.
Learn that life is not a competition to win. Getting the most attention is not a proof of being a winner, or proof that there is a game to win. She gets attention for her reasons, and you get attention for your reasons. The attention received is different, because you are different people. If you want others to like you, stop and compliment you, then you are seeking outside validation. But when you have found inside validation, and approve of yourself, then you will not need others to approve of you. And when you no longer seek it, that is when it will come to you.
Right now you are greedy, and jealous because she gets more attention than yours. But what is the competition? What do you need the attention of others for? What will it achieve? What is the purpose for this need of yours? What do you want?
You want to be pretty? You are pretty. You want the attention of others? What for? You want your girlfriend to look up to you and admire you? She already does. You want to be a better person? Then start working on it, only you can make yourself into the person you want to be.
I practice a mind technique for self improvement. I picture a situation, or look back at a recent incident, where I reacted poorly. I then imagine how I wish I had acted. What would have been the best way for me to act, and ideally, how would I have felt about it instead? I then think about what would have to change, inside of me, for me to react in this ideal manner next time I was in such a situation.
If we take you as an example, say you walk with your girlfriend and someone stops her to compliment her. You got enraged and jealous, and angry with her for being so beautiful. You feel lousy, and negative, and it ruins the day for you. Now, imagine how you wish you would react instead. If I was you, I'd wish I would react with gratitude. Gratitude because I had such a beautiful girlfriend, that loves me. Gratitude because I have a girlfriend who is beautiful on the inside too, and gratitude because she gives me joy and happiness. Gratitude because she makes me feel special, loved and wanted. When others compliment her, my heart should swell with happiness and pride, because I would be proud to call her mine. Proud that she is with me. Proud because such a beautiful person has seen me as her equal.
Close your eyes and imagine if you could feel like that the next time. What would have to change inside of you, for you to feel that way? Once you've localized the areas you need to improve and work on, it becomes much easier to change your thought pattern.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (23 February 2013):
Dear OP,Jealousy shows you what you want.You want attention and you want to be attractive.So, instead of putting her down, imagine ways to feel more beautiful and attractive.Throw away those contact lenses, it always looks stupid and by the way, brown eyes are beautiful.I can just tell you from my experience: I was in a lesbian relationship with a very athletic and sporty woman, who was also very smart and had a university degree and at the time, I didn't. When I compared myself to her, I was more lazy, had more body fat, was less educated and successful. I felt less attractive and thought that everybody would fancy her more than me. And at that time, it was like that, too. Guys would always talk to her and ignore me, and lesbian women, too. Needless to say, the relationship was difficult.However, I developed some self-esteem over time. I found out I just wasn't the sporty, athletic type and I couldn't just try to work out as much as her or wear sporty clothes. I had to find my own beauty. I started to dress more feminine, found a haircut which really looked good on me, I started to study and do things that would make me happy. Small things. And really, my life has changed.I got more attention and compliments, because I was more me than an embarrassing copy of her.Of course, no one has ever complimented me on my athletic body, because I haven't got one. But people said I have a kind smile, feminine curves.. it's just, they couldn't see that before, because I was busy trying to be someone else.What I want to say is that you have a unique kind of beauty. And if you're stupid then you focus on becoming something that you can't and that you are not, like blue eyed. And if you're smart you focus on showing who you are.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 Relax. Self confidence comes from inside not from other ppls approval n that includes getting attention. Perhaps men find u very attractive but r too scared or nervous to approach? You'd be surprised. I am a very handsome guy n I've turned heads of both genders too but I dont really use that to judge how attractive I am. I look at my weightlifting years diet n habits n im like I'm a downright mass building nutrition handling beast n thats enuff for me hold my head high.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 I think the real problem here is your 'need' for attention based on looks!!
You're not a kid, you are a grown woman so why is it so important that 'attention' has become a consuming competition? You have pinned this weird need you have on her, when really you are both grown women who have a great friendship (on her side anyhow) and who the hell cares what other people think???
The jealousy thing is something that you really should have left in the playground.
I have female friend who are much more beautiful and attractive than me but I just apreciate them for the good they bring to my life...I don't worry about what other people think.
If she is your girlfriend and you are worried that she might leave you, then talk to her...she's a woman...she'll understand.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 February 2013):
 you're mad because you've got a hot girlfriend? i don't understand this because my girlfriend is also HOT and i love every second of it. who's attention are you trying to grab, anyway? because if you're a lesbian, why do you care so much if you get attention from men? and not only that, but she's your girlfriend, so why do you care what anyone else thinks but her? you should only want/desire attention from her.i've never jumped on this bandwagon and i've never understood why women do this to each other. you admitted that you're attractive, yourself. so what is the problem? there's absolutely NO reason to bring your girlfriend down for being pretty. appreciate her beauty and be thankful for getting to be with such a beautiful woman.you said it yourself, she doesn't even like the attention. she's got the right idea. i would take some time and figure out why you crave people's attention so much. i see a lot of problems in your future with relationships if you want so much outside attention.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 February 2013):
 You can start by taking off the colored contact lenses. Take your mind off of yourself. The meaner you are to her, the uglier and more disgusting you are. The kinder you are to her and others, the more beautiful you are. Why bother with makeup techniques when your jealousy is like rolling your face in horse manure??
Your jealousy won't change anything! Your resentment of her looks won't change you or make you feel any better. True love would be happy for her that she looks good. True caring and kindness would be for you to make her feel good about herself.
As long as you are self-centered, you cannot be pretty. Ever stop to think that one reason your friend is stopping traffic has more to do than just her looks? Her very inner kindness, openness, will attract people. Are you really 35-40 years old?? This isn't the 7th grade anymore. If you care about her, you will stop this jealousy, take some discipline over your emotions and the nastiness that comes with your debilitating bad self-esteem
If you can't overcome this inner ugliness that causes you to mistreat your girlfriend, then you should seek professional help, because she will dump you one day if you keep it up, and you'll still have the same issues.
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